Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Watered Down???

For many reasons I have been re-evaluating my position on BDSM.  Ok Ok I lie - not BDSM perhaps - but my place in it.  Ok Ok I lie again - not MY place in it perhaps - I've always known MY place - but where I fit now !!

Two weeks ago there was our favourite play party ......... and we didn't go.  We went to Kingston instead.  And I didn't miss the party one little bit - W and I did discuss (in a silly sort of way ) that if we left at that exact moment - we could be back in town in time to attend the party........... but I had no desire to go.  (and it had nothing to do with the rush to return to town or anything like that) I just didn't want to go 

This morning the host of the party posted on FL his 'thank you' to his guests - and he always posts the final attendance numbers with his thank you's.  There were 184 people at the party.

I had an instant vision of bodies pushed cramped together - milling about - doing nothing of much interest.  And I had the same knee jerk reaction (at the picture in my head) that I have when I am actually there.......... "BORING"......... and then "Get me outta here"

I think what is bothering me most now - is that the BDSM I know and love is being "watered down".  There are way too many of the new s/m crowd.......... and actually when I think about that s/m crowd isn't so new anymore - we have been writing about them for over 5 years.  They are growing in leaps and bounds and (in my opinion) cluttering up the parties for those of us who are S/m.

I am hearing rumours of parties now being scaled down. Not the numbers no no - but the type of play allowed.  They don't want to scare the newbies - or the s/m crowd.  HUH?? 

I know I have been told that I should have no expectations of playing hard at parties anymore - that I ... We ... have to adapt our play style to suit the people attending.  IF they don't understand the most basic of protocols then we have to be forgiving and understanding.  Not teach them the right way - god forbid !!!  No we MUST change so they will feel welcome and accepted.

One of the main problems I have been having at parties recently - is the total lack of energy ......... It used to be that you would get up to play and you would feel - actually FEEL - the energy coming from the couple beside you playing.  This energy would fill the club - and one could - almost - get high on that energy.  

But no more.  There can be very little energy (if any) if everyone is standing round looking very kinky in their latex and leather and doing nothing more than standing there talking.  

The clubs used to be set up with very defined play spaces - and very defined social spaces - and the two NEVER met!!!  IF / WHEN you stepped into the play space - you were in A play only area - you were safe to whip and flog and needle and knife to your heart's content - without fear of being interrupted - or distracted - or told to stop cause someone found it too hard to watch.

I remember once - a long longggggggg time ago - watching a scene (or trying to) where 2 Doms were working over a young submissive - she was weeping and crying and pleading for mercy.  40 People at least stood around and watched - I found it disturbing - I kept telling myself the sub could stop the scene and she wasn't cause she was enjoying it - but it didn't help.  I WAS the newbie......... I turned and left the room and returned only after it was done........ to see her laughing and cuddling with the 2 Doms happy as a pig in shit.  

I have seen many scenes over my life time in the community that had me wanting to turn away - but I never once expected the scene to stop because I had never seen anything like it before and it scared the shit out of me.  I sucked it up - or took responsibility for MYSELF and walked away. 

Unfortunately in my opinion - BDSM is being watered down - to suit the styles of a large number of folk who will NEVER up the ante - never want or need or desire to play hard and fast.  They want to be the one who wears the most daring latex - or the tightest leathers - or the most wanton bit of material ............... 

We true S and m'ers are being washed away in the flood of fashion.............. and I say - More's the pity.



  1. The "dumbing down" and "mollycoddling" effect.
    I see it practically every aspect of life now.
    It doesn't do anyone any favors.

    Sad ...

  2. Anonymous10:16 am

    Interesting commentary, morningstar... As an 'outsider' who discovered this whole 'lifestyle' several years ago via literature and the internet, I have some thoughts that might...hopefully...explain the dynamic changes you see taking place. And yes... I've not experienced BDSM in RL to any degree, just a bit of sexy kink between hubby and myself to keep the bedroom alive and exciting.

    As an avid reader, lusty scintillating romances (i.e. Siren and Jade publishing) were my drug of choice to relieve the stress of teaching in an inner city, poverty stricken school. Over the years the scenes written by many authors have gone from vanilla love scenes to a light BDSM scenes with vivid descriptions... Ah ha... we vanilla women became very curious about what we were reading. Why else would "50 Shades of Gray" become a number 1 best seller? Umm...perhaps our human nature makes us curious enough to want to experience it.

    The movie and TV industry has moved towards more provocative and enticing materials. Think movie, 9 1/2 Weeks. Now we have all these reality shows ( i.e. Bad Girls gone wild in Las Vegas... ugh!) HBO does a show called something like 'Cat Houses' showing what goes on in the legal brothels in Nevada. The populace is bombarded with 'sex' and moving more towards BDSM because as humans, we tire easily of what becomes commonplace i.e. portrayal of vanilla sex.

    Believe it or not, many video/computer games also have underlying light BDSM themes built in some scenes. Surprised the 'hell' out of me to see my teenage grandson playing one.

    The media industry needs to keep upping the ante to keep people interested. This could be the reason you see the increase of 'gawkers' or 'tourist' as one writer calls them, to your play parties. "They", the nebulous they, find it exciting and arousing. Again "they" are living vicariously enjoying what might be considered by some, a live 'porn' show. Don't get your dander up.... I know and you know it is NOT porn. You see BDSM as an integral part of who you are and your life and not something to be taken facetiously. Not something indulged in to make sex more exciting it goes deeper than that.

    Having said all that...I enjoy reading the blogs and living somewhat vicariously through them. Guess that makes me a 'lurker' (Think that's what we're called) I don't have the where with all to... take the walk on the 'wild side' even though it enticingly calls to me. Color me 'scared yellow' because deep down inside of my psychic, if I'm totally honest, I could totally embrace the lifestyle. Too much to lose at this time in my life to make the change.

    Hope some of what I said makes sense. Again as an outsider looking in, many people gravitate towards BDSM because it appears to be a more exciting way to approach sex, not necessarily because it is a deep-seated need within the soul that must be expressed and fulfilled in the lifestyle.


  3. Joyce - first I have to thank you for your comments (not just this one - but all your thoughtful comments)

    In my opinion - you have just defended / supported my belief that the BDSM I love and cherish IS becoming watered down........

    And in some part that responsibility falls on the shoulders of those holding public / private parties.

    They need to learn to accommodate those that come to watch AS WELL as those that come to play.

    Otherwise those of us who play will soon disappear from their clubs and parties .. and leave the spaces free for the gawkers and "porn watchers" and those who haven't a clue how use a flogger or whip or knife or electricity or fire..... or.......

    That's my humble opinion.

  4. Blazn stole what I was going to say.

  5. DO what the boys did when they started the lifestyle take it back underground have more private parties with those that really want to play leave the rest for munches .


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