fet wear

i have been thinking a lot these last couple of days about "fetwear" - why you might ask???

Because we are going to this party tonight ... and as with all BDSM parties - fet wear is the dress code.

i am going to assume in this day and age .. everyone knows what a fetish is..... but do you know the history of fetish???
The word fetish originally meant "charm," and it originates from the 15th century Portuguese word feitico , which means false power, object or charm.

Now of course it has come to mean.. leather or latex... high heels.. corsets.. lingerie.. the list is endless...

BUT what happens to those that do not have a fetish????? Long ago and far away - when i was first dabbling with BDSM - i thought i couldn't go to clubs because i did not have a fetish..or fet clothing.. and it always made me a little angry that the men got to wear - if they wished - black shirt and black pants and that was good enough. The women.. ohhhhhh they were expected to be all decked out in fetwear.. leather or latex.. or some sexy or slutty looking outfit......and it had better be BLACK!! (i HATE black)

Sir took me shopping way back then...... to buy some sexy lingerie that would work as fet wear..... and i have worn it...
i actually have a garter belt with the required black stockings..



i have a slinky black dress that fits where it touches and leaves nothing to the imgination... and on a cold wintery's night .. leaves me shivering with goose bumps (how attractive is that!!??)



i have seen women show up in army camouflage shorts .. top .. and jaunty lil cap......... that left me wondering what point they were trying to make....

i have seen women show up in slinky shiny latex cat suits ........ nice on them.. but most definitely NOT for me.. and how the hell do you "play" in something like that???

and i have watched as the BDSM scene has grown and grown until a lot of the clubs are now filled with leather/latex sporting young nubile bodies.. (yeah and some older less than nubile that should have given up skin tight latex long ago)

why can't i just say my fetish is looking charming?? wearing attractive clothing that i can easily strip out of when Sir wishes to hang me from some piece of equipment and do what REALLY turns my crank .. and that is beat me??\

WHY oh why do i have to dress up in some one else's idea of fetwear - feel naked and exposed and uncomforable.. when that is NOT my kink or my fetish???

It's enough to make me want to stay home........

anal anyone?

i just thought a wee update might be in order - considering yesterday's post.
First i am fine ! it took a day but i am back to my feisty self... the employee hid at home yesterday (which didn't really surprise me) under the pretext of having tonsillitis, she is due back today. i did contact the union and Mr. M (my principal) Mr. M contacted Human Resources (our Board has this safe school policy that applies to one and all so we will see how affective it is)
And i want to say ........ that i am fully aware that i really did not have anything to do with the melt down......... i was just the catalyst for something else.. (i am always saying i am a tough old bird - but this time.... well not so tough) i believe this person needs major help in a major way...... but that is not up to me to suggest ..........

And so life goes on...............

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now.. because i know there are one or two readers that are very "anal" so to speak (cheeky grin) you know who YOU are !!! i thought you might just enjoy this lil tidbit that was sent to me yesterday.....................




First year students at Texas A & m's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them " In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The FIRST is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body"

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,

"The SECOND most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

another bit of newsy news........ Sir, Cloud, Agdistis and myself are heading off to our Nation's Capital early tomorrow morning for some shopping and then a visit to our favourite private club tomorrow night......... so i will be AWOL until at least Sunday - maybe Monday........
And as Monday is December 1st.. and as i have every intention of entering the Holidailies again this year........ i am going to start dressing up The Journey for the holiday season. Those of you who are "grinches" ......... well suck it up !!! This is my favourite holiday.. and my blog !!! (can you hear me going nah nah nah !!! ???)

See you all on the flip side............

How to build the Perfect Dom

i was reading a couple of blogs this morning (interestingly enough - one written by a submissive and one written by a Dom) where they were both - in their own way - struggling with the idealistic "Perfect Dominant". And on Fet life i read a topic that was discussing creating a Dominant..... (read the topic title in my email - i did NOT read the threads because quite truthfully i find fet life boring at best and annoying at worst)

But each of these threads got me thinking about this idea that one can create a perfect Dom...... or create a Dom of any quality.

Once upon a long long time.. i used to be under the impression that any man.. (or woman - depending on your preferences) could be a Dom... would want to be a Dom.. if they only knew what they were missing.

Now .. once upon a long long time.. i was married to a man who i dearly wished would be more dominant.... who would "take charge" "make a decision and stick to it" .. i was a woman on a mission. AND i had this brilliant idea - IF - i tempted him with sexual delights beyond his wildest dreams - if he but ordered them - that that would be a good start...

and i tried..
and i have to admit .. he tried..
i even tried to find him a "mentor" to mentor him to perfection.........

and .. it didn't work.........

oh once in a blue moon he would order me to roll over on my stomach so he could "fuck" me ....... but the television was always left on.. and often times he would stop in mid .. whatever.. to glance at the screen. It just didn't turn his crank to be able to order me to strip and spread 'em........... anymore than it turned his crank to order me to do anything..... (of course in those days .. if i didn't much like the order i ignored him totally .. and he would just shrug and go back to watching tv)

He was a good man.. a soft gentle soul....... he was NOT a Dominant.

Much later i found - what i believed was a perfect Mistress - and once again i believed with a little work - i could help her become the Perfect Dominant. She seemed to have all the right stuff.. she was a "take charge" sort of person....... she loved to be obeyed.. but once again i was wrong.......... she was bossy.. she was over bearing.. she was cruel (at times) beyond all belief......... she was not Dominant.

i honestly began to believe that the perfect Dominant was a myth........... like the unicorn.. a being one could see through the veil of smoke and mist...... but who disappeared when one got too close.

i went back to my fictional reading.. to my dreaming........... to my longing.......

And then.. i met some folks who lived the lifestyle.... and in that group was Sir............ and HE taught me what a Perfect Dominant was..........

see you have to actually know what one looks like.. acts like.. IS.. before you can even start to try and find him........

Sir was Dominant inside.. in His soul. He was the one who would be obeyed.

And that is where it started... in His soul.

All the rest.. the whippings.. the bondage.. the cuttings.. the needles.. all of THOSE things can be learned.......

BUT the deep need to dominate.. the deep need to be served.. to be obeyed.. that can not be taught.. that must come from within.........oh it can be a little seed that is waiting to be nurtured ........... but it has to be there waiting.

And so i say to the submissive who wishes her partner would be more consistent in his domming.......... does he have THE seed deep inside?? or is he just trying very hard to please you??

And to the Dominant who wondered if He could take this BDSM from the playroom to the bedroom........ do You really need to ask??

and that.. dear reader.. is my 2 cents on the subject !

Monday Morning Report

Ok ok .. so it is Monday evening........ sue me !!!

Now.. let's play my version of Where is Waldo?? except in this case.. where is the subbie??

welllllll Sir claims i am in there.. somewhere... and Sir has to be right .. right?? cause Sirs are always right !!!

But wait.. you already know about the game.. how Sir drove me .. there and back.. and let me tell you .. i was NEVER so glad to be driven anywhere at any time !!! There were 66,380 fans in the stadium.. and i swear 40,000 of them took the underground passage way to the metro system (subway)......... we were packed in so tight i almost have sympathy for sardines... and i found myself thanking the powers who be .. that the Alouettes lost the game.. cause the crowd was subdued and quiet in comparison to what they would have been like IF the Alouettes had won !!! i do NOT 'do' crowds well.. by the time we got back to Sir's car .. i was exhausted.. more from the noise and crowds than from the late hour!!

Now there is one other bit of news to talk about and that is.. Stadium seats.


Why do they make them so uncomfortable?? so hard?? so squished together?? ok ok.. squished together i get.. but hard???

oh wait....... i remember why they felt so hard................. cause Saturday evening.. Sir decided that my ass needed a whooping............. or that He needed to get out His frustrations from all the renovations........whatever the reason.. my ass was over the ottoman.. and Sir was using the crop... sometimes really nice.. the sensual sort of cropping that makes me moan softly and drip .. and wiggle my ass at Him.. other times it was hard and fast.. the sort of strikes that make my knuckles go white.. and my ass wiggle away from him.. and the "OH FUCK that hurts" come out of my mouth......... when it was over.. Sir kept poking at a spot on my ass.. that made me wince and yelp. i may not bruise so one can see........ but oh my god.. i do get deep bruising that leaves hard spots that hurt like hell when poked............

OR..

as i discovered....... hurt like hell when i sit on a hard seat !!!

and that dear readers .. was my weekend in a nutshell.............

All's well that ends well

First of all.. i have to thank everyone who commented on my last "dilemma" post. Unfortunately i haven't had internet service for 24 hours - therefore it has taken me till today to get back here...

And i have had a mystery infection in my finger..

And and and.. well you can read how my list of dilemmas got bigger and bigger on Sir’s site..

On Friday - after i wrote that original blog on "dilemma" - i did some thinking and pushing myself.. and came up with a plan.. a brilliant plan !!!

BUT first the task........

Sir had said (because He couldn't come over this weekend due to renovations) that i would drive to Him on Sunday and we would take the bus/metro to the football game. Sounds like a good plan right?? considering 60,000+ fans are going into the stadium....... right great plan. Except for one thing.. or maybe two .. maybe three??

1) i HATE driving alone at night - and i would be driving home after the game around 10 or 11 pm
across a BIG bridge that scares me in the day time..

2) a red light on my dash board has been flickering for over 2 weeks - i kept hoping i could ignore it till my appointment with the mechanic next week........ but now .. i was gonna be driving at night over a BIG bridge alone.. and i had visions of the car breaking down in the middle of the BIG bridge.. and me being alone.. and trust me that was a scary thought!!!

3) i have lost confidence

SO

The Plan........

i was not going to tell Sir.. because He would never EVER want me to stress over driving - something He enjoys .. He would see it as part of His job to keep me safe.

i did take the car into the local Canadian Tire on Friday afternoon - told them about the light flickering.. told them what it wasn't .. and asked them to fix it.. it took a couple of hours and $100 but by 4pm my car was safe to drive again.. and my confidence was a little bit restored.. i could do this now..

oh yeah...... and i charged up my cell phone

i pictured myself .. locking myself safely into the car and heading home.. radio blaring.. me bopping along to happy music.. getting home safe and sound...

i was ready to do this..........

The Altered Plan....

Sir showed up Saturday afternoon as the renovators had finished for the weekend.. the smell in the house was overpowering (from the varnished floors) ... so now He decided He would find an alternative to the original Grey Cup Game plan.........

And .. because He was coming up with alternate plans i didn't think i could handle.. i told Him everything.................. and asked if please.. we couldn't stick to the original plan.. leaving from His house via bus and metro.. leaving my car at His house.. and returning to His house so i could pick up my car.. .my brain had worked around that plan...... had dealt with it.. had accepted it...

Sir said NO... He will not let me go through the stress of driving home alone .. late at night... He doesn't see the point in ruining the day for me

There will be other opportunities to stare down a long lonely night drive.. but for tonite.. i will be safely buckled into Sir's car.

Dilemma

The renovations on Sir's house are underway ........ and believe it or not ( i couldn't believe it ) they are gonna work on Saturday !!! So i won't be seeing Sir until Sunday.. and the Grey Cup Game.

BUT i won't be that bored this weekend.. i have decided that i will probably drag some - if not all - the Christmas decorations upstairs and decorate the house - that is most definitely NOT a hardship for me......... well except maybe putting the outside lights up.... i think i will leave the tree.... for now. The grand kids will be coming to spend a Saturday with Sir and i .. while their mom and dad go finish off the Christmas shopping...and it would be fun to decorate the tree with them........... i love watching Sir and the eldest struggle to put up the lights !!!

But none of that is my dilemma.............

and i am hedging here.. trying to find the best way to word what is going round round in my head.........
First off .. a submissive is supposed to tell their Dominants any and all problems they are having......... right??
But what if the problem is something the Dominant expects them to handle??? a task let's say..that they are expected to work through and get done??

Now i know if i tell Sir my dilemma He will most probably take over and do it.. fix it so to speak........ but then i will feel like i failed Him.....

Now if i don't tell Him the problem..... and do the best job i can..... i will spend more than a few days sweating bullets.. worrying and stressing...........

Oh and in case you are all totally and completely confused.. this "task" for lack of a better word is something i am capable of doing.. it's just the thought of it scares the hell out of me.. it may be the one and only area where i am a "broken sparrow" sort of sub.

i am finding out .. real fast.. that after 7 years of being slave to Sir.. of turning everything over to Him.. that my weaknesses have grown into life size monsters, that do indeed hide under the bed and scare the hell out of me.

So .. folks.. do i suck it up.. cope with the stress and worry and just do IT.......
Or... folks.. do i tell Sir.. know He will come to my rescue (probably reluctantly) and i will for eternity feel like i have failed Him.........

what do i do??????????

Lucky lucky sub

Never has there been .. in the history of BDSM .. a submissive as lucky as i am......... no way!! no how !!!

i have a secret love.......... passion........ obsession?? It is football. You can keep hockey.. you can keep baseball.. you can definitely keep golf.......... but when it comes to football.. move over Charlie Brown..... cause i am hooked !!!

i told you all that last weekend Sir took me back to His place on Saturday so that i could watch the Eastern Finals ....... (i don't have sports channels - no point when i only love one sport !!) And our Alouettes won !!!!!!!!!!! Be still my heart !!

i mentioned in passing to Sir.. that it wasn't fair that the Canadiens hockey team has all these supporters with flags flying from their cars.. and the Alouettes who made it to the Grey Cup game don't appear to have even ONE fan flying their flag !! AND i mentioned in passing that i would love to have an Alouettes tshirt......so when it is hockey day at school and everyone else is sporting a Canadien's tshirt.. i could pull on my Alouettes shirt and be a proud fan !!! (wrong sport but ask me if i care??!!)

Now i am betting you have all guessed where i am going with this.......... but you might be wrong !!!

Today i was having one of those....... "why in god's name do i do this job" days........ and i got back to my office with my lunch balanced precariously on a pile of papers.. and noticed i had 4 telephone messages (the answering machine is MY enemy !!) so .. i dutifully hit the play back button and was listening to the messages while i ate lunch...... and there was one message from Sir..... so noisy and garbled that i couldn't make it out.. except it said to call His cell ......... the next message was also from Sir... also garbled .. but i did make it out.. call His cell NOW.........

so ........ being the dutiful slave.. i called His cell NOW.

To find out that He was standing in a store i think........ and that He had bought me an Alouettes tshirt.. AND an Alouettes flag for my car............

BUT................

better than all that..........

He wanted to know if i wanted to go to the Grey Cup Game on Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD !!!!

THE GREY CUP GAME !!!

i am going to the GREY CUP game !!!!

i have the very best Sir in the whole entire world !!!! And AC (Anthony Calvillo) the Quarter Back is my second great love .. and i am gonna get to watch him in person.. IN PERSON.. on Sunday.......... ohhhhhhh be still my heart !!!

Just tell me he isn't the best looking Quarter Back in football !!!!

i really honestly can't believe it........

I AM GOING TO THE GREY CUP GAME !!!

Now if Sir can work some BDSM play time in with the game... this coming weekend is gonna be perfect......... P E R F E C T ...... i say !!!

pssssssst know what?? while i was sleeping Sir snuck into the house and left the tickets, the t-shirt and the flag on the kitchen table.......... my god i am spoiled !!!!

on growing older......

Last week i had this stimulating discussion with 'melanie'... a four year old with glasses bigger than she is ... on laughter.. and the importance of laughing at yourself !!

Melanie had come to school with her father - a volunteer - and had brought her Fisher Price digital camera. She was taking pictures of me.. close up.. see the nose hairs close up... and i said "are you taking another picture of THE old lady??" and she got the giggles and snapped another picture... and another and another. Soon after she was yelling to her brother down the long hallway that she had taken pictures of the "old lady" .. lots of pictures !!! Her father looked mortified and i could see a lecture coming............

So Melanie and i sat down.. and had a little talk about how i had been silly.. and really grownups didn't think it was funny to call someone old lady.. so maybe she should use my real name... which was ok with Melanie.. i am guessing in her mind i was still the funny old lady.

Which got me to thinking........... i don't laugh nearly enough with my kiddies.. i don't.. i always seem to be lecturing about some thing or another........

Then this morning when i was trying to come up with some inspiration for a blog.. i was thinking about getting older... and how .. inside.. i don't feel a day over 20...... and .. well a whole mess of other things about growing older.. and how i don't really want to grow old gracefully.. how i will be dragged into old age kicking and screaming and making faces.. and sticking my tongue out......... i think i am gonna be an embarrassment to my family.......

BUT then i came across a piece written by George Carlin on aging.. and thought i would share it with you........ those of you who are 30 something.. go away .. this isn't for you.. those of you who have reached that magic number that says old.. read on.........

How to Stay Young....

1) throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2) Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down

3) Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain die. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop" and the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4) Enjoy the simple things

5) Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you grasp for breath

6) The tears happen. Endure, grieve and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive

7) Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8) Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it, If it is unstable - improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve - get help

9) Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next country, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10) Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Monday Morning Report..

As Sir tucked me into bed last night.. as i smiled and said "goodbye" to Him.. i could feel the tightness in my chest.. feel the burning behind my eyes.......... i didn't want Him to go... it had been that kind of weekend !!

Friday night - Sir had spanked my ass over the ottoman.... warming it up for a weekend of fun........

Sir had brought some snowflake earrings and a brooch for me.. (that had been His mother's) .. i loved the brooch but said i couldn't possibly wear the earrings as they are screw on and i have pierced ears... (i should have lied !!! i should have said "how sweet i can't wait to wear them") but i was honest.. and said the reason i got my ears pierced is because screw on earrings hurt like the devil............. and eventually land up feeling like you are self piercing your ear lobes............ which of course gave Sir an idea.. a brilliant idea.. a brilliantly evil idea.......... (if you missed the weekend announcement of the post.. you can read the post HERE along with the addendum ..ughhhhhhhhh the addendum !!)

Saturday we went shopping .. we went to Sir's house to watch the Eastern Finals of football - i am a HUGE football fan if you didn't know.. and our home team won !!! and are off to the Grey Cup Game - next weekend !!! (i don't get sports channels in my package of television channels)...

When we finally got home here again.. in time to feed the "kids"........ it was dark and rainy and damp and miserable. i figured we would settle in for an evening of television ......... BUT... after all the lil tasks were completed.. Sir said "downstairs". i looked at Him like He had grown two heads again...... downstairs BEFORE supper???!!! YES downstairs........

And it was logical too........... (of course it was logical this was Sir we are talking about !!) Neither of us were the least bit hungry.. which meant supper was gonna be late.. which meant any play time downstairs was NOT gonna happen after supper......... sooooooooo..

downstairs i went.

Sir hung me from the chains in the ceiling......... and started.. the warm up toys consisted of floggers - the stingier the better.. and then He moved to the vegan whip.. and the circus whip and the buggy whip....... for a while i kept thinking "feed the monster .. feed the monster".. then i have to admit my mind wasn't focused enough to think much of anything except "f%*ck that hurts !!"

and it amazed me.... it always does.. how a sound whipping.. pain levels high .. way high.. make me drip and ooze and wiggle and wish Sir would fuck me......... one day maybe i will understand the correlation between pain and my getting horny ......... but for now i just accept that is who/what i am..............

The fucking bit didn't come about till Sunday...... we were sitting watching the usual Sunday morning news shows... and Sir would snap His fingers and bring me to His side .. where He would fuck me with His fingers.. teasing me.. making me act like the slut i don't want to be.. shamelessly rubbing my clit hard against His hand.... wiggling.. sliding His fingers in and out of my by simply pulling my ass backwards and then sliding fast and hard back down on His fingers........

Of course Sir found a way to stop me from backing up.... Sirs always have their ways don't They??

Later.. much later.. Sir had my ass over the ottoman again...... this time using only the lil rubber flogger.. DAMN that thing stings !!! and Sir made sure to keep His hand firmly pressed against my back .. holding me down over the ottoman.... (sometimes the simple act of straightening up... makes the pain a little more bearable - but Sir wasn't having any of that yesterday!!)

And then......... Sir's fingers slide up my thigh... between my legs.. teasing my pussy.. laughing out loud as He discovered how much i "hated" this particular flogger......... yeah right.. thanks body for exposing the truth !!! And then He was fucking me hard and fast.. and i was so close to cumming and not wanting to cum that fast.. i wanted to linger in the feelings.. float on the feelings.. but my body defied me again.. and i was almost immediately asking Sir for permission to cum.......... and i did.. earth shattering.. exploding cum........... with my juices flying out of me.. covering Sir..puddling on the blanket underneath me.. soaking through the folded layers.. almost to the rug....

Sir was laughing.. and wiping the wetness off his hand and arm onto my ass.. dragging the wetness still seeping out of me up onto my ass... and then it was back to the rubber flogger.. and OH MY GOD !!! if i thought that damn thing stung before.. it stung 100% more on a wet ass... and still my juices were leaking out of me.. running down my legs and puddling on the blanket............... WOW !!!

Later .. much later.. i made dinner... and then later again.. Sir tucked me into bed.. and i got teary .. and the weekend ended............... an amazing fun filled.. love filled weekend !!!

Thank You Sir.........

Newsy news

i seldom if ever read newspapers anymore... mostly because the news is never very good... and i am tired of nothing but bad news.......

This morning however i was reading my blog list and came across a news item posted on Kitten’s blog that is sooo worth reading !!!




Another news item that is worthy of mentioning (cheeky grin) Sir posted to His Blog this morning.... my Grinch is getting into the Christmas spirit.. YAY Sir !!!!

And then just because i can ... i have changed the look and name of The Fictional Journey.. and i am hoping the change of theme/look/name might just inspire me to write on a whole different level.. shrug.. it is worth a try no????

And that is the news for a quiet Sunday morning.........

You've got Mail

Yesterday - just after lunch - i was sitting in my office working when i received an email from Sir informing me that He WOULD be coming for our Friday afternoon coffee klutch .. AND .. He added - 'beating your ass - perhaps several times' over the weekend.

Now you have to understand Sir and i keep all our emails that go to school - vanilla at best - coded at worst. This "beat your ass" was a first.. and a shocker .. and had me blushing and laughing in the privacy of my office.

i was excited Sir was coming - my ass was gonna get beat - so i had a knee jerk reaction and fired off some cheeky comment to the email.. to which Sir sent back an almost immediate cheekier email.

At this point Mr. M wandered into my office to talk about some work related project.. my email program was open on the desktop.. and lo and behold no sooner does Mr. M sit down beside me
than the "you've got mail" window popped up.... but not as generic as that it.. it said who it was from.... and i could feel my heart start to pound a little bit.. mostly in anticipation.. but a little bit cause my principal was sitting beside me and i might be 'exposed' so to speak.

Mr. M glanced up at the monitor and asked me if i wanted to open it??? i could feel the blushes starting..NO i did not want to open and read it..... Mr. M got this wicked look on his face .. smiled and said "sure"??

What a start to my weekend...

And after our coffee klutch - and dinner.. i could be found over the ottoman with my ass in the air.. and Sir beating it............. YAY Sir!!!

and now i am off for a shower ... a shopping trip.... and a fun weekend !!! More on the Monday Morning Report.......

Quiet week

Remember my post last Friday - the one where i talked about 25% of our kids being off with the flu?? Well Tuesday morning i went to school feeling fine......... and Tuesday noon i came home with it........ gotta love those sharing bugs !!

Anyway i have been home feeling funky since Tuesday........ and yeah i didn't say anything before because i had other things to talk about....... Today i have nothing to talk about ........ so you get to hear i have been sick all week.......

Sir is up to His eye teeth in renovations at His house......... Yesterday He had movers come in and take all the big stuff out........ Today the renovators come in to discuss schedules.. and - as far as i know - they start renovating on Monday.

Needless to say ..........Sir is swamped.. i am funky........ so life is pretty quiet around here.

i am thinking this is when my submissive side has to come out and be strong...no broken sparrow here..... i don't want Sir to come over this weekend........ i want Him to take care of Himself and His stuff.. i don't want to be a burden....... i am a tough old bird and i can honestly take care of myself.. hell i took care of myself all week .. made my own chicken soup ........ so a weekend alone healthy... with a filthy dirty house should be a breeze !!!

That is not to say i won't miss Sir.. cause i will.......... but i have to be unselfish here.. Sir needs to be at home.. needs to get His stuff done....... why would i say the words that would bring Him here?? That would be selfish........ and topping from the bottom.. and all those bad submissive qualities that we try to rid ourselves of.....

i am here to say Domming is a tough job.... ohhhhhh if you are sitting out there looking in.. i guess it doesn't look all that tough........ after all He sits around and snaps His fingers and drinks are refilled - meals are made - even phone calls answered (screened) and sometimes made...laundry is done and i am on my knees at His feet - awaiting His every wish... i leave my body available to Him at all times.. for sex or spankings or any other little whim that He has.. how tough is that you might ask??

VERY

cause on top of all the fun stuff He has to play with....... all the boring stuff He can ignore.. He has to read me.. has to figure out what it is i need or want or crave...He has to soothe my tortured soul.. and be IN CHARGE.. even if He doesn't quite feel like being IN CHARGE.. cause that is His job.

And ya know........... we all know........... there are times when being IN CHARGE is just one more burden on an already over-burdened set of shoulders.......

SO

i have sent Sir my morning journal....... i have suggested that it might be best if He took another weekend at home to handle all the responsibilities at that end........... i did that .. because i love this man i call Sir........ and i know when things are swamping Him....... and the very best thing i can do to help when His days are like this is to be invisible.. to wait here quietly for the busy-ness to subside and for Sir to be "on His game" so to speak.............

That - to me - is part of my job as submissive - taking care of Sir's needs first.

Sexual worth.........

Pow
i was visiting selkie’s blog yesterday..... and doing some catch up reading... AND........ (i'm getting to the point !!!) the other day she had this quiz thingy up .......... i am such a sucker for these quiz thingies.. honest i am.... so i took it......... and yeah.. i am worth $1,117 an hour.. AN HOUR!! in bed...........

Now if i was so inclined.. and if i could trust that i am actually worth that much.. i might just give up my day job......... hells bells at that rate i work a year and i am set for life!!!

Anyway i wasn't actually gonna post the results.. i usually just take these quizzes for fun and self awareness (yeah right !!) BUT during the day it got me thinking..... i do enjoy sex.. ok ok.. i love sex !!! shocked?? god i hope not...........

And that got me to thinking about the lifestyle (ok that is definitely a subbie bouncing ball thing) ........ and i was thinking about the blogs i read.. and the subs i know .......... and i realized that most of us.. ( i am inclined to say all of us.. but i don't want to push it) have this high sex drive. (that is NOT to say that BDSM is only about kinky sex.. let's not go there ok??!!)

It is funny........ not funny ha ha.. but strange funny......... when i was married i didn't get horny.. or even enjoy sex that much......... when i left my husband nothing much changed..my partners would get fed up with the fact that i just wasn't aggressive in bed.. i never initiated sex... i wanted it.. i just didn't want to admit i wanted it........ (confused yet??)

Then i found the lifestyle .. and things changed pretty damn fast... and .. it didn't take much figuring on my part....... the transformation happened because now i didn't have any control......... i was now free to enjoy sex. After all - the good girl in me wasn't craving it .. or enjoying it... it wasn't my idea !! i was being told what to do .. when to do it.. i had found freedom in my slavery. i have to wonder if it is like that for others.... did you find your sexual animal after you found your submissiveness .. or slavery?? Or is that just me????

Now getting back to the $1,117 per hour i could make............. and my daydreams about retiring in a year so.......... i am thinking i should rethink that theory.......... i have a feeling my daydreams will go poof in the night.. the same way the graphic did !!! Back to my day job.

LOL - a day late...

Bonnie - over on My Bottom Smarts - decreed yesterday " LOL day "
The third annual LOVE OUR LURKERS day.

Now as much as i believe we should honour and remember our lurkers.. yesterday was Remembrance day ... and i just couldn't take away from the importance of it.

Therefore i delayed LOL day by one day ( it's my blog i can do that !!)



So now that we have that over with.................

i want to say howdy to all the wonderful people who come here to read every day .. slip quietly in.. read.. and slip quietly back out...

Today is YOUR day !!! come out and celebrate..



i am glad you come by to read.. i am glad my words bring you back..


AND if you should decide to really celebrate by leaving a little comment i would like that.... i would like that a lot......... you can even post anonymously if you wish...... and if those word verification thingies drive you nuts.. just for you.. just for today.. i have removed them.........

Thank you again for dropping by to visit......... Enjoy your day !!!

The 11th day

The following video was done by one of our local radio talk hosts..... He asked for names of those who had served so that he could make a memorial ........ i hesitated right up to the last minute to send him my story....but in the end my father and my uncle deserve to be remembered too.

Today 20 poppies will be added to a wreath at our school - one from each class.

Maybe one day Remembrance Day or Armistice Day or Veteran's Day will be a day of celebration ..... because there will be no more wars.. no more 'police actions'

But for now........ Lest We forget............



~~~~~~~~~~~
Today is actually LOL day - but somehow i couldn't do it....... not today.......

Tomorrow will be my LOL day...........

Today i want to remember.......

Monday Morning Report

Despite the fact that Sir was busy busy busy with Remembrance Day official happenings..He remembered His lil subbie at home alone.. and sent off a task email - (you can read those details on yesterday's post)

i am here to say that doing something.. anything .. to yourself is not nearly as much fun as having it done to you !!! And i really am trying to figure out how those that are in more permanent long distance relationships flog themselves or cause themselves pain............ cause ya know folks there is something .. something.. that takes the joy?? the fear?? the anticipation?? away when you are doing it to yourself.......... and trust me.. i can think the worst .. very worst...pain scenarios.. but when it comes down to actually doing it to myself??? the mind balks and the mind controls the hand.. and .. well .. it is never as bad as when Sir does it to me...

Therefore Sir seldom if ever has me self inflict pain............ but He can and does find painful things for me to do to myself...........

Example.. 'wear a gag from 10 - 12 and 2 - 4'........... now that doesn't sound so bad does it?? and i got to select the gag.. so i picked the bit gag (the one that looks a bit like a horse's bit - long rubber tubing thing fits between the teeth and is attached to two large metal rings at the sides of the mouth and fastens around the back of the head ) The first hour was a breeze.. but by the second hour my throat felt dry.. and i found myself gagging every so often... the large rings seemed to restrict head movement slightly and it got more than a little annoying.......

And the masturbating........ now that has always posed a problem for me... i was to masturbate every 2 hours.. but i was only allowed to come after 4 hours........... which meant the second set of play time............ It was the first set that confused me.. masturbate and not cum..... right.. doesn't sound hard does it?? BUT doing it to myself.. i knew exactly when to stop.............. before cumming.......... at the point where i knew......... but it wasn't a 'oh shit don't stop now' type of reaction.. it was more a 'ok time to stop' reaction - the first leaves me panting and aching and wanting.. the second leaves me bouncing up to get on with my chores........... see something wrong there? Only Sir can bring me to the first point... He is in control... i can't do that to myself.. cause when i reach the ooooooops sorry stage.. i can't stop... Sir can........does that make me a bad sub?? nope.. i think it makes me a truthful sub.. there is just no way in hell you can bring yourself that close without going over .. on your own.

Anyway.. between the masturbating and the gag wearing the only other 'inconvenience' really were the cuffs - not the ankle ones .. they don't bother me at all.. but the wrist ones?? ughhhhhhhhh ever try to do intricate embossing work with clunky cuffs banging away on everything?? annoying at best.. but not impossible.

So i wore the cuffs... wore the gag.. masturbated every 2 hours - came every 4... did the laundry .. made the casserole and even finished creating my Christmas cards.

GOD it was a long weekend............ i missed the interaction with Sir.. i missed Him watching me suffer through the tasks... BUT it is over.. and as much as i would like to think over means never again......i have a feeling because of demands on Sir's time.. it is only the beginning...............

Oh yeah.......... and i found time this weekend to write a rather graphic sexual entry to the Fictional blog......... for those of you who wish to read it.. you can click here...... or go to the menu on the right of the screen and click Fictional Journey........ enjoy !!

Remembering..........

Sir took this weekend off from me because He has been so busy all week tending to everyone else's needs.. and because today His legion is holding a Remembrance Day service and He needs to be there. It just didn't make sense for Him to drive all the way over here on Friday and turn around and drive all the way back on Saturday night so He could be up and at 'em at the crack of dawn today......... it had nothing to do with my sub drop ..........or my need.. or anything else about me - the world does not revolve around me... and that was my mantra yesterday.. when the bad thoughts would creep up into my head.. and the soft voices would say - "you put too much pressure on Him.. that is why He is not here - it is YOUR fault".

Nevertheless - thoughts did swirl around my mind yesterday.......... my expectations versus His expectations... and how to make Him understand that i am OK .. I AM OK ! .. with things as they were ... as they are.. i know this man i call Sir.. i know what makes Him "freeze" as i put it last night in a chat with Him... there is no need to freeze !!

And i know Sir can put more pressure on Himself than i ever could....... i mentioned a few posts back.. about a "Pandora's box" we have........ actually not "we" but Sir........ it has not been opened - but it is there.. and i am sure - in my heart of hearts - that this pandora's box is causing it's own minor stresses - to open or not to open.. and it doesn't matter that i say this box holds no great draw for me.. i AM happy now... could i be more happy?? Maybe - but i AM happy now..........But it is Sir's pandora to face not mine.

OH lordie - i am rambling.. and i am not even sure where i was going with this........ so many of you have been concerned about me.. about Sir.. we are fine... working our way through "stuff" both literal and figurative .. but we are fine ..

This morning (after another yucky sleep - for some stupid reason Sir is the best sleeping aid anyone has found for me) i awoke to a task email from Sir... besides the tasks He set down last night - which were - to do the laundry... make a casserole (so i have decent food to eat this week) and to rest !!! This morning He has added - i am to wear both ankle and wrist cuffs all day......... every two hours i am to masturbate - and i am allowed to cum every four hours....... and i am to gag myself between 10 and 12 and 2 and 4 (so don't anyone phone me during those hours !!! Cause it is gonna sound like a reverse dirty phone call - just a whole lot of heavy breathing)

And so today Sir is off with the Legion to a Remembrance Day service.. He will do His thing.. and i.. well i will do the laundry.. make a casserole.. wear my cuffs.. masturbate ..gag myself .. and rest...........

Life is good ...... when you remember.

5 A.M.

yup.. it is Saturday.. and 5 a.m. and i am up. No sunrise for me this morning.. no coffee - yet.

i am alone.

Someone said to Sir last night - "it's Friday - where is morningstar?" and His answer "I am pooped and need some space".

And so i am faced with a weekend alone.. a weekend to do whatever the hell i want.. when i want.. how i want.

i have Christmas cards to play with .. to design.. to have fun with...
i have more Danish blue and white woven baskets to make..
i have laundry and a house to clean ...
i have a bottle of Baileys, and a bottle of bubble bath..and a multitude of candles waiting..

i feel i have been enough of a burden?? enough of a stress?? enough of something on Sir.. and now i must prove that i can be that quiet invisible subbie ... and give Him His space ....

This weekend will be unique......... i am not sick .. i do not have Sir.. i do not have schedules or plans.... i am really truly on my own.............

we shall see what comes from this ............. freedom.

Tired

i am tired today......... in my bones and in my soul.........

Some of these feelings come from work.... two days of a flu epidemic that hit the school... projectile vomiting up and down the corridors and classrooms... over 25 % of the kiddies sent home with it in less than 2 days (that's just over 100 kids if you want the breakdown)....... over half of my staff out with it..

i am feeling more and more like the lil guy with his fingers stuck in the dyke ........

i wish it was Saturday so i could stay snuggled in my bed with the covers up over my head.. i just don't wanna come out and face the day thank you very much.. even my sunrise isn't happening today ........... and the coffee isn't working it's usual magic this morning.....

i decided you didn't need to hear me go on and on about my tale of woe.. so to spare you all more .. i suggest you click over to the Photojournal and take a look at the new pics i have posted this morning.........

i'll see you on the flip side.........

Thursday morning musings.......

Well all the excitement of the past few weeks / months is over....... and this morning as i sit here with my coffee watching the sun rise again.. i wonder what there is to talk about.......

The politicians can tell us that we aren't gonna feel the economic crunch like other parts of the world or country......... but sitting on the front lines i have to disagree.. in the last 2 weeks i have had 2 families pull out of the daycare program at school - mom or dad or both have been laid off.. one mom called almost in tears as her hours have been cut in half....... two other families have pulled out of the lunch program because there is no extra cash for that luxury and the kids can walk home........... i am noticing more and more parents are working on contracts now rather than getting full time jobs because it is cheaper for companies to hire someone to work for 6 months or a year.. and then see if the need is still there....... not much security in contract work .......

Yesterday gas for the car was 88 cents a liter.. i was excited ....... my god i had almost forgotten when gas was 88 cents.. and it only cost me $25 to fill up my tank........ but i also had a sinking sensation........ if gas is falling it just doesn't bode well for everything else .. does it???

And the kids......... well they are absolutely squirrelly........ last Friday Mr. M did something i haven't seen done in years....... he called 911 to take a violent child to the hospital (his foster mom was actually in the hospital and couldn't come) ..... it is really hard to watch a little guy be loaded up into an ambulance.. to know that his anger is so deep.. his pain so deep...... that there is nothing more we can do for him..........

Which makes me look at my lil Christopher Robin.......... he is barely keeping it together this year.. has been suspended once for "panting" ......... panting !!?? hell i didn't even know what that meant............. one kid will run up to another unsuspecting kid and pull down his pants.. leaving him exposed to the ridicule of the other children.......... this seems to be a trend.. we have had a rash of "pantings" over the last couple of weeks.......... and stone throwing.. and bullying.. and .. and.. and..

Some days i feel like the little boy sticking his fingers in the dyke trying to stop the leaks..

i am "a" boss at work.. but oh how i long to come home to my reality.... to my Sir.. to turn everything over and just be on my knees.. with ass in the air... no need to think.. just do... no need to control.. but just be controlled...

And that is what i was musing about as i sat drinking my early morning coffee watching the sun come up............

Forbidden topic..

i was brought up to never ever talk about politics... or religion... not if i didn't want a heated discussion............. and as i hate .. HATE.. heated discussions - or fights as i call them - i have for the most part avoided political discussions or religious discussions...

Our election a couple of weeks ago.... left me feeling bored and totally disinterested.. even before folks went to vote .. most of us knew the outcome.. there wouldn't be one... as the expression goes.. "the more things change the more they stay the same".... and now we are faced with yet another election up here in the Great White North that brings about as much enthusiasm as watching grass grow (for me anyway) ........ it will be another nothing will change election...........

BUT .. to sit up here in the Great White North and watch the elections south of the Border these past 2 years.............. WELL.... wow.

In my entire life (so far) i never thought i would see something new and exciting.. i think of my grandmother and all the new and exciting things she witnessed in her lifetime.. airplanes and television...automatic washing machines.. god the list really is endless.. and it was something she often talked about.. the excitement of growing up in her time........

i never thought............. that i would live to see either a woman as President of the United States.. or .. a black man as President.......... and yet this morning as i sit here drinking my morning coffee watching the sun come up... our neighbours to the south are waking up to a new President.. a Black President.........

and i have to say......... Barak Obama was a man who impressed me tremendously (and it wasn't as much about his being black as it was about the feeling i kept getting that he would bring something new and exciting to this dreary world) .. from the first time i heard / saw him on television. There was something about him that seemed honest.. and down to earth......... i even watched his 30 minute infomercial last week.. and yeah i know some clever ad ex put it together.. BUT there was something about it.. how he spoke to the common person.... in plain language.. no high fluting mumbo jumbo ....... straight talk.......... Every time i saw him speak.. or saw him interviewed i was impressed by his image.. he could be my neighbour.... i felt i could trust this man.......

Time may prove me wrong.. He may be just like all the other politicians that have ever ruled this earth............ but for now.. for this moment while i drink my coffee and watch the sun rise on a new day........ i can dream that there is new hope for this old battered world.. that i will indeed be able to say "i live in interesting times !!"

On a completely different note.........

Did you know that Christmas is just over 7 weeks away???!!!!

i don't know how it happened.... BUT Sir who is the world's BIGGEST Grinch.. took me Christmas shopping two weekends in a row............




The first weekend i bought a blue Danish Christmas candle... and as i walked through the shop i found napkins to match the pattern on the candle..

and wrapping paper to match the pattern..



and balls for the tree to match the pattern !!!



The theme for this year's Christmas was decided... it will be blue and white !!!

Now i realize that i am gonna need one heck of a lot of blue decorations to decorate the house in ONLY blue and white........ and not a whole lot of money to do it.........

Youngest daughter and i were reminiscing about the Christmases we used to have when she was little.. how our "themed" Christmases always meant everyone got involved in making decorations... she kinda winced at the memory but i chose to ignore it.. it was fun i say .. FUN !!!

So......... i have a plan........... i am going to start making Christmas decorations in blue and white of course.......... i am gonna make Christmas cards - in blue and white of course... i am going to fill my spare time with blue paper and white paper and loads of glue and sparkles and get ready to turn this house into a blue and white Christmas miracle............



i already started .. briefly.. this weekend to create woven baskets from Denmark.. in blue and white of course..........i have plans to make stars from Germany too....

Why am i doing this now?? why am i even thinking about this now???!! Because Sir is going to be as busy as a one armed paper hanger for the next lil while........ and i need to find something to fill my empty hours.. to fill the weekends while He recharges His batteries.. because.. as my grandmother used to say.. "idle hands are the devil's play things".......

and because ... i LOVE Christmas !!!

Pavlov's sub

Remember back in September when i had that mystery bug.... and i was busy musing how i stopped before entering the living room.. because i was so well trained..and even though Sir wasn't there .. i still paused before entering the room??

i was thinking today how many other things i do without thinking.. because i have been trained to do them... or how many things i react to because i have been trained to react to them in that way........... and i thought i am like Pavlov's dogs.. ring a bell and i salivate.

Last week i was floating around on this massive high from our weekend away....... and even though i kept warning myself that it could not be duplicated.. not even repeated here at home.. i still had this inner need........ desire........ craving to go back to that 24 hours of beating and sex and beating and more sex.

Well the weekend arrived.. and i kept trying to stamp down the needs.. the wants.. the desires.. i didn't do such a good job at it either........ until Saturday when Sir said "downstairs".

Now i have to explain to those who don't know.. or don't remember........... Sir seldom takes me downstairs anymore.. it is chilly and damp (ok ok i know.. just the right temperature for a dungeon................ BUT not the right temperature for a naked subbie.. sorry no way no how!!) Downstairs means hard play - at least to this Pavlov's subbie it does.......... we don't go downstairs unless Sir wants/plans to use the hardest of hard toys......and a command of "downstairs" starts the adrenaline flowing before i hit the first step..........

This Saturday we even had the chilly and damp covered.. we had bought a brand spanking new heater that would keep me toasty warm................

So downstairs we went....

and i started the flight to nowhere land............

And Sir put the new heater on........ and strapped on the suspension cuffs.. and hung me from the cross..

And Sir started in with a crop.............. and then i think the teflon paddle....... and then He pushed His hand between my legs and fucked me.. despite my objections (it feels so good to say "no no no" and know Sir won't .. and Sir will prove i am a lil cum slut) and i got cheeky and pulled first one wrist out of the cuffs.. to scratch my nose.. and then the other.........

And it was over..........

just like that it was over.. and i was told to come upstairs........

my "elevator" as i tried to explain to Sir went from the top floor to the basement in a matter of seconds... the bottom fell out...... and i was spiralling down........... and everything just crashed...........

and i was sure.... no i was POSITIVE......... i had done something wrong..............

and i cried.. and felt sick to my stomach........

Sir made me talk.. made me try to explain what was going on with me..
Then Sir explained that He planned to give me a session on Sunday .. morning......... and had only wanted to tease me.. to fuck me and leave me wanting more till Sunday.............

i held on to that........ Sunday..................

And Sunday came and went...........

And i am stting on the bottom.. wondering if i will ever get up again...............

and if you have no idea what sub drop is like.. don't even try to understand this post.......

But .. if Sir says to me next time.. "downstairs" Pavlov's subbie will start salivating again.. the elevator will start climbing again.......... and i won't remember this world collapsing crash............ because i am trained to respond ............... and whether i like it or not.. i respond.

sad subbie

i had hoped.. that last weekend's excitement would travel back home and plant itself here at the condo.... i was stupid.. i can be you know... very very stupid.. back here things are busy.. life is here.. there it was all about us.. about Sir and i ...

Today i am sad.. very sad.. to my core sad......

And if you think i am fucked up.. read what i did to Sir.. click here

origami

Sometimes life can be as complicated as the folding of origami....... and requiring as much patience...



i have tried origami - more than once. i find it fascinating as well as extremely frustrating.. i see the pattern .. i know what to do.., but fumbling fingers and lack of patience tend to leave me with a less than perfect finished product.

Yesterday was a bit like that.. from early morning to late evening.. my fumbling fingers managed to mash up things.... crease them and crumble them.. and leave me pushing harder for perfection and landing up more and more frustrated until tears filled my eyes..

LAST weekend was perfect..so why can't this weekend be perfect!!??? what is wrong with me that one weekend i can do exactly what is expected of me..and have this perfect finished product .. and the next weekend i struggle with the folds.. struggle with the pattern.. and land up feeling crumbled and messy .. and undesirable??

time to start again??

refold reform remold

et voila - with any luck -

perfection - or close to it.............



maybe????