Tuesday, November 25, 2008

How to build the Perfect Dom

i was reading a couple of blogs this morning (interestingly enough - one written by a submissive and one written by a Dom) where they were both - in their own way - struggling with the idealistic "Perfect Dominant". And on Fet life i read a topic that was discussing creating a Dominant..... (read the topic title in my email - i did NOT read the threads because quite truthfully i find fet life boring at best and annoying at worst)

But each of these threads got me thinking about this idea that one can create a perfect Dom...... or create a Dom of any quality.

Once upon a long long time.. i used to be under the impression that any man.. (or woman - depending on your preferences) could be a Dom... would want to be a Dom.. if they only knew what they were missing.

Now .. once upon a long long time.. i was married to a man who i dearly wished would be more dominant.... who would "take charge" "make a decision and stick to it" .. i was a woman on a mission. AND i had this brilliant idea - IF - i tempted him with sexual delights beyond his wildest dreams - if he but ordered them - that that would be a good start...

and i tried..
and i have to admit .. he tried..
i even tried to find him a "mentor" to mentor him to perfection.........

and .. it didn't work.........

oh once in a blue moon he would order me to roll over on my stomach so he could "fuck" me ....... but the television was always left on.. and often times he would stop in mid .. whatever.. to glance at the screen. It just didn't turn his crank to be able to order me to strip and spread 'em........... anymore than it turned his crank to order me to do anything..... (of course in those days .. if i didn't much like the order i ignored him totally .. and he would just shrug and go back to watching tv)

He was a good man.. a soft gentle soul....... he was NOT a Dominant.

Much later i found - what i believed was a perfect Mistress - and once again i believed with a little work - i could help her become the Perfect Dominant. She seemed to have all the right stuff.. she was a "take charge" sort of person....... she loved to be obeyed.. but once again i was wrong.......... she was bossy.. she was over bearing.. she was cruel (at times) beyond all belief......... she was not Dominant.

i honestly began to believe that the perfect Dominant was a myth........... like the unicorn.. a being one could see through the veil of smoke and mist...... but who disappeared when one got too close.

i went back to my fictional reading.. to my dreaming........... to my longing.......

And then.. i met some folks who lived the lifestyle.... and in that group was Sir............ and HE taught me what a Perfect Dominant was..........

see you have to actually know what one looks like.. acts like.. IS.. before you can even start to try and find him........

Sir was Dominant inside.. in His soul. He was the one who would be obeyed.

And that is where it started... in His soul.

All the rest.. the whippings.. the bondage.. the cuttings.. the needles.. all of THOSE things can be learned.......

BUT the deep need to dominate.. the deep need to be served.. to be obeyed.. that can not be taught.. that must come from within.........oh it can be a little seed that is waiting to be nurtured ........... but it has to be there waiting.

And so i say to the submissive who wishes her partner would be more consistent in his domming.......... does he have THE seed deep inside?? or is he just trying very hard to please you??

And to the Dominant who wondered if He could take this BDSM from the playroom to the bedroom........ do You really need to ask??

and that.. dear reader.. is my 2 cents on the subject !


  1. Can a Dom ever be perfect? since like a sub a Dom is always learning His/Her craft.

    Owner of morningstar

  2. More food for thought ....

  3. I too was married to a NOT dominant man. Like you, I desperately wanted him to be that, but he couldn't be dominant anymore than he could be 6'10" tall. He was what he was. Trying to make him be other than that was perhaps one of the cruelest and most fruitless things I've ever done.

    Dominants are dominant by nature. How that manifests is a function of a lot of factors, but the trait is either there or it isn't. One cannot instill it, or teach it, or learn to be it.

    As to the question of "perfect," I'd not ask for that and would hope to not be asked to attain that state either.


  4. Anonymous10:33 pm

    So, then, I am curious. Why all the comments by Warren in his blog lamenting being a 'GOS', eg someone not respected by you at all times?

  5. first, who wants perfection? Not me nor anyone in their right mind becuase one coudl speculate that perfection DEMANDS perfection and god knows, few of us are that!

    And I agree - a lot of what people equate as being "dominant" are simply learned behaviours and CAN be taught (or, in other words, a top and a dominant are NOT the same thing!) - dominance is intrinsic.

    Something, however, i speculate on a lot - I don't think I believe it is intrinsic to ALL dynamics - i.e. I think certain personalities can interact in a way that triggers the dominance/submission in that particular individual; I think that SOME people are at heart always that way - but I think in view of the complexity of the human psyche, there are probably MORE cases where the meshing triggers the behaviour and the reaction.

  6. thank you all for your comments...

    "Perfect" was more a tongue in cheek statement than a reality..... unfortunately it is next to impossible to pick that up.. i apologize..

    perfection is something we should all strive for.. in everything... we probably won't attain it.. but as the banner outside my office says.. "Shoot for the moon - if you fail you still land among the stars"

    morningstar (owned by Warren)

  7. Making the perfect Dom your title sounds like you could go to Toy-r-us and get a lego version! Perhaps Barbie should worry!

    As far as the picture and your sir well I think he would look good in it. Of course he woudl have to get larger swords then the ones I gave him but then his sixs and sevens would need lest work.


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