skittish

From time to time I get skittish or jumpy.  My skin feels electrified.  I feel unfocused and uneasy.  

Skittish and Jumpy.

I want to be reassured that everything is fine.  I want to be focused /grounded.  I won't ask for it though.  I feel guilty asking for any kind of reassurance.  I fear I will be repeating myself.  I fear I will be a pest -- a bother -- appear to be too needy.  Some days I feel like an intruder and interloper.

But ohhhh sometimes I just need to be reassured.

And then -- as though Hands reads my mind I get 'that' message.  I have 'that' chat that calms me down -- that reassures me nothing has changed.  

The one thing I thought I would struggle with in a poly relationship would be jealousy.  And yet I am not jealous -- not in the least.  I am content with the schedule we have (if you can call it a schedule).  What I do struggle with is physical contact. (and no I don't mean sex/play/private time) I want to just see them (Hands and CG) more than I see them.  You know pop in for coffee with CG from time to time.  Invite them to pop in for a quick visit /coffee when they are out and about.  BUT distance doesn't allow for drop-in visits. 

(and to be truthful winter is coming and I am so scared that visits will become less and less due to the weather -- and that makes me very sad and more skittish than normal)

There is a solution.  One I am seriously toying with.

Moving.

I am looking casually right now.  Come the spring and summer I will hopefully find the perfect new place... and then I will make the decision to move westward -- and be closer not only to Hands and CG but other friends I have made since moving here to Kingston.

And hopefully I won't feel quite so isolated or quite so skittish. 
 

Just for a few hours

I need to find my grounding -- to kneel at his feet and fill my soul.  I need to feel his hands touching my skin -- bruising and marking me and taking what is his.

For just a few hours I want to shut out the world and feel safe in his hands.

Just for a few hours.

Yearning

Waiting looks serene -- and patient.

That's what it looks like -- but inside the feelings are anything but serene or patient... it feels a lot like a bubbling pot -- bubbling higher and higher ...... the top rattling...

So I keep busy -- and practice the art of distraction -- I lift weights - I walk - I shop - I clean - I do laundry --  the bubbles continue bubbling -- 

And I wonder -- when the waiting is over -- will I implode??

Empty

I am empty

Please fill me up again........ 

Fill me with bites that make me moan

Fill me with pain that makes me squirm 

Fill me with pleasure that makes me whimper

Fill me with stripes that I can touch

Fill me till I am overflowing 

Please fill me 

The Junkie

Hi - my name is morningstar and I am an addict.

I am addicted to pain - to edge play - to the endorphins these activities produce.  

The interesting thing (well to me anyway) is that once I am past the craving for pain I don't even think about it........(but it takes weeks and months for that to happen) and well if I do think about it - it is with fear and trepidation.  Pain hurts - and the pain W gives me can hurt real bad. 

But despite that.........  promise me pain........ give me a sniff of pain - and I am like a junkie - I want it I need it .. I sleep eat and dream pain.  And then get cranky (if you can call that mood cranky!?) when I don't get it.

I had gone months without any pain (real pain) before moving here.  And yeah I admit it I had visions of (daily) floggers and whips and needles and knives dancing in my head at the thought of living with W........... daily - hell I would have liked hourly.  

But we have been busy 

We have had contractors in and about for 2 months

We have had well meaning friends drop in for coffee

We have had just plain off days

Which means - 

no pain 

Yesterday W brought out the new carpet beater he bought in China Town on the weekend.  And almost from the first hit to the last I cried.  At first I cried cause dammit it hurt !!  And then I cried from relief. I needed this - I craved this........... pain and the ensuing endorphins center me - ground me - and - weird as this may sound - make me feel loved.

But it was a hard fought battle to get me to the crying from sheer relief and feeling love.. 

In the interim W had to bring out a flogger and a whip and a knife...........

 
but it happened and those feelings of being grounded in my own skin - of feeling loved rushed through my veins - along with the endorphins..... and all was right with the world again

BUT

I am a junkie........... and the need will come again..........

The "other" side of Christmas

W came over to celebrate with me on the 25th............ W slept in ...Shock oh Shock !!  and didn't get here in time for breakfast - and my Timmy Ho's french vanilla coffee wasn't delivered - because Shock oh Shock !!  There weren't any Timmy Ho's open!!!

We snuggled and open our gifts to each other....... and then found the one restaurant that was open (I think) in the Entire Great White North and went there for lunch before heading off to see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.......... 

What a movie !!!  a little campy............ but I loved it !!  I couldn't believe I hadn't read the book - and my reason for not doing so ............. is soooo ..........me.  I didn't like the cover of the book...... so I didn't read it.  Hey - sometimes I do chose my books by their covers!!

It was an early night for me as I was pooped - felt like I was dragging my ass after all the cooking, cleaning, wrapping, baking, kids, and noise NOISE NOISE of the past week or so........  

oh and did I tell you??? I have a bug...(see me pout??) Everyone - and I do mean EVERYONE .... had had the bug in the weeks prior to Christmas break - on the Thursday before the break - I bragged (yeah yeah I know BIG mistake) that I was the only one who had not succumbed to said bug........... the sore throat and achy bones started on Saturday when the kids were here ............ and just kept right on growing...........

Boxing day was spent quietly snuggled up in front of the television with W playing with his new "toy" I gave him.... I was downing Tylenol to help with the symptoms of said bug... but all was right with the world.

Well almost right with the world ............

I had this craving...... this urge........ this burning desire for a spanking...... despite the achy bones.. despite the sore throat..... despite the headache. AND W had brought the BIG toy bag - full of all my "love to hate" toys.  How could I not get a Christmas spanking???!!

Before breakfast W had had me bend over the big chair and had pulled out the blue rose paddle from the toy bag and warmed my ass up so nicely........... it was now a couple of hours later and I was wanting more... more spankings.. more W... 

So I moved over to the sofa and kinda/sorta lay on top of W being the brat that only I can be.... wiggling and pinching and nipping at W's body....... until He picked up the paddle and started paddling my ass in that position (me on top........ LOL yeah you read that right ME on top) 

We were laughing that W's arm needed to be longer and more bendy so he could get some good swats in...when I wiggled around and knelt up at the end of the sofa somehow wiggling my sweat pants down to my knees presenting my ass to him to swat. 

It felt like such a hot position - ok ok I can't explain how my warped mind decides what's hot and what's not........... but this position felt right in my head. felt HOT!!!  I gasped out between swats with the blue rose paddle that it was too bad we couldn't get pictures of the position and W swatting me... 


W scrambled for the camera .. .and the next thing I knew the flash bulbs were going off between hits.... W kinda chronicled the transition from lily white ass to glowing red ......

ok ok so in this picture it looks more pink than red........ but trust me it was RED... and hot and stayed that way for a couple of hours.... 

I had hoped there would be more of the same later on....... but after a lunch of  more leftovers from Christmas Eve my body just gave out......... gave in...... and the bug took over.  

W left just before dinner time and i had a good hot bath and napped the rest of the day / evening away on the sofa - before dragging myself up to bed to sleep the night away - hoping for a miracle cure ................ (which if anyone is interested - did not happen) 

And that dear readers - was my "other side" of Christmas ...............

What now?

I have been through so many different stages/phases/trial periods in the last 6 1/2 months that you'd think I would be more settled and knowing what I want and where I am going.

I tried bottoming to one couple....... and well... that did more to tie me up in knots than any good bondage session. Way too many emotional mine fields to navigate.. too many emotions running high... too many "he said" .. "she said" and the other "she saids" to be able to feel grounded. And I do know I need to feel grounded !!

I have tried going out and being the bon vivant ... but that hasn't done much for me.... I have been left feeling like the odd man out..... a bit of an enigma.... folks don't quite know what to "do" with me now I guess... and the day after I usually land up feeling as though a huge piece of me is missing. I am not your A typical submissive... I don't kneel just cause you tacked on "Mistress" or "Master" or "Sir" to your name. nope .. sorry can't do that. In fact last weekend when I went to the closing party at one of our dungeons here in the Great White North.. I wore a tshirt that said "Bossy Bottom"........ best to put it out there and give everyone some warning !!

I have set about trying to mend some fences with Warren (don't all choke and faint away on me.. don't come screaming after me.. just don't !) I like to think we have reached the "lets be friends" stage........ but truthfully I feel a little foolish... I feel as though - maybe - perhaps - stupidly - I may have "thrown myself" at him... been a little overzealous ?? Anyway... I had my comeuppance and am now behaving myself..... being friends is good.

I have placed ads for a Top/for a Dominant........ and have had my share of responses... most involve kinky sex....... which would be nice - don't get me wrong.. but I have higher aspirations than that. I have been told I am way too serious !!??? I have been told I am not serious enough??!! I have been told I am too old (don't they read profiles??) and I have been told I am too scary - being a masochist and all.. (like I said - don't they read profiles??!!) AND don't 'they' get that I am much more than all those pieces ??? !!

I have re-discovered I love my own company..... I am content cooking when I want to eat... cleaning when I want to clean.. working till I am ready to come home... I am content running my life....... and dealing with my worries ......... but sometimes it does get a wee bit lonely.

Tonite I am going to a BDSM birthday party. I am supposed to wear something pink.. I don't have anything pink...... and have been obsessing over that fact for a few days .... this morning I decided to paint my nails pink.. that will have to do. I have been trying to organize a hook-up between myself and a Top/friend from out of town to go to this birthday party. Last night I frustrated the hell out of her in an email - trying to write down plans - and falling over myself and stressing in the process. I finally landed up writing... "I am sub.. I do NOT do plans!!" Can't you just decide??? "

So I guess I really am still very submissive. I really don't want control of things... I really don't!!

BUT I have also noticed that I no longer do my "jonesing" thing........ in fact I hardly think about pain anymore. And I rarely get horny anymore.......... because of the pain thingy...... Pain really was my foreplay. BUT even with Warren - in the last few months / years - pain wasn't foreplay then either...... sex rarely followed pain....... maybe my body has completely forgotten the patterns. And quite truthfully pain without some sort of "release" - sadly - is just pain.

So .. taking another look at the picture I put up this morning... I guess I am all wrapped up ready for the taking........ only no one is taking.

And I am left asking "What now?"

Craving

When you look at me ......... do you see it? The burning deep within....... the craving ...... the beast gnawing at my insides....... hungry .. waiting......

This craving needs to be fed before the fires consume me..my skin burns.. This craving beats within my heart..my heart pounds hard against my chest.... this craving gnaws at my innards... my stomach aches.... this craving is consuming me.

Can you see it?

Does it scare you like it scares me?

Sleep eludes me - I lie awake at night and fantasies that are now reality swarm around my bed. They taunt me... They call me by name....... my body quivers ......... the craving grows............

Can you see it??

Can you handle it?? Can you tame it ...even for a day or two??

masochist

i was thinking this evening as i dusted the house naked with nipple clamps on my pussy - that i am not a masochist. Oh not because of the clamps on my pussy - once i got used to them.. and figured out how to walk with the chain dangling between my legs....... oh yeah and remembered to bend slowly cause for some reason bending really REALLY hurt !! - no not because of that...... but because i take no joy from pain for pain sakes.

So when i finished dusting the house and was able to remove the clamps from my pussy - which hurt more than when i put them on - i checked out the definition of masochist.

mas·och·ism

1. The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused.

2. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself.

i used to get sexual gratification from pain..... well i used to get turned on by it ... but not so much now. Actually not at all now.

i have been known from time to time to actually have an orgasm from having my pussy whipped, or from a nice sensual flogging. But that isn't happening so much these days.

i wonder if it is my age........ have i finally reached the stage in my life where sex isn't the be all to end all??

And if it is........ does that mean i lose the title 'masochist' beside my submissive name???

Just some silly thoughts as i relax after dusting the house with clamps on my pussy and not even the smallest desire for sex...........

Dilemma

The renovations on Sir's house are underway ........ and believe it or not ( i couldn't believe it ) they are gonna work on Saturday !!! So i won't be seeing Sir until Sunday.. and the Grey Cup Game.

BUT i won't be that bored this weekend.. i have decided that i will probably drag some - if not all - the Christmas decorations upstairs and decorate the house - that is most definitely NOT a hardship for me......... well except maybe putting the outside lights up.... i think i will leave the tree.... for now. The grand kids will be coming to spend a Saturday with Sir and i .. while their mom and dad go finish off the Christmas shopping...and it would be fun to decorate the tree with them........... i love watching Sir and the eldest struggle to put up the lights !!!

But none of that is my dilemma.............

and i am hedging here.. trying to find the best way to word what is going round round in my head.........
First off .. a submissive is supposed to tell their Dominants any and all problems they are having......... right??
But what if the problem is something the Dominant expects them to handle??? a task let's say..that they are expected to work through and get done??

Now i know if i tell Sir my dilemma He will most probably take over and do it.. fix it so to speak........ but then i will feel like i failed Him.....

Now if i don't tell Him the problem..... and do the best job i can..... i will spend more than a few days sweating bullets.. worrying and stressing...........

Oh and in case you are all totally and completely confused.. this "task" for lack of a better word is something i am capable of doing.. it's just the thought of it scares the hell out of me.. it may be the one and only area where i am a "broken sparrow" sort of sub.

i am finding out .. real fast.. that after 7 years of being slave to Sir.. of turning everything over to Him.. that my weaknesses have grown into life size monsters, that do indeed hide under the bed and scare the hell out of me.

So .. folks.. do i suck it up.. cope with the stress and worry and just do IT.......
Or... folks.. do i tell Sir.. know He will come to my rescue (probably reluctantly) and i will for eternity feel like i have failed Him.........

what do i do??????????

Pavlov's sub

Remember back in September when i had that mystery bug.... and i was busy musing how i stopped before entering the living room.. because i was so well trained..and even though Sir wasn't there .. i still paused before entering the room??

i was thinking today how many other things i do without thinking.. because i have been trained to do them... or how many things i react to because i have been trained to react to them in that way........... and i thought i am like Pavlov's dogs.. ring a bell and i salivate.

Last week i was floating around on this massive high from our weekend away....... and even though i kept warning myself that it could not be duplicated.. not even repeated here at home.. i still had this inner need........ desire........ craving to go back to that 24 hours of beating and sex and beating and more sex.

Well the weekend arrived.. and i kept trying to stamp down the needs.. the wants.. the desires.. i didn't do such a good job at it either........ until Saturday when Sir said "downstairs".

Now i have to explain to those who don't know.. or don't remember........... Sir seldom takes me downstairs anymore.. it is chilly and damp (ok ok i know.. just the right temperature for a dungeon................ BUT not the right temperature for a naked subbie.. sorry no way no how!!) Downstairs means hard play - at least to this Pavlov's subbie it does.......... we don't go downstairs unless Sir wants/plans to use the hardest of hard toys......and a command of "downstairs" starts the adrenaline flowing before i hit the first step..........

This Saturday we even had the chilly and damp covered.. we had bought a brand spanking new heater that would keep me toasty warm................

So downstairs we went....

and i started the flight to nowhere land............

And Sir put the new heater on........ and strapped on the suspension cuffs.. and hung me from the cross..

And Sir started in with a crop.............. and then i think the teflon paddle....... and then He pushed His hand between my legs and fucked me.. despite my objections (it feels so good to say "no no no" and know Sir won't .. and Sir will prove i am a lil cum slut) and i got cheeky and pulled first one wrist out of the cuffs.. to scratch my nose.. and then the other.........

And it was over..........

just like that it was over.. and i was told to come upstairs........

my "elevator" as i tried to explain to Sir went from the top floor to the basement in a matter of seconds... the bottom fell out...... and i was spiralling down........... and everything just crashed...........

and i was sure.... no i was POSITIVE......... i had done something wrong..............

and i cried.. and felt sick to my stomach........

Sir made me talk.. made me try to explain what was going on with me..
Then Sir explained that He planned to give me a session on Sunday .. morning......... and had only wanted to tease me.. to fuck me and leave me wanting more till Sunday.............

i held on to that........ Sunday..................

And Sunday came and went...........

And i am stting on the bottom.. wondering if i will ever get up again...............

and if you have no idea what sub drop is like.. don't even try to understand this post.......

But .. if Sir says to me next time.. "downstairs" Pavlov's subbie will start salivating again.. the elevator will start climbing again.......... and i won't remember this world collapsing crash............ because i am trained to respond ............... and whether i like it or not.. i respond.

Cranky

i am pretty sure my uneasiness today.. my crankiness.. is a coming out of the sub drop.. of feeling left alone .. of feeling needy ..... BUT god i feel cranky.......

i have bubble bathed myself into a wrinkled prune..
i have eaten favourite foods and pampered myself..
i have manicured my nails till they are sparkling
i have planned and re planned the wedding tea this coming weekend..




and still i feel antsy in my own skin.......

THIS is the problem of not living 24/7 ..... because i am ready for Sir to take over.. to take command.. to make this problem go away... to shorten the leash and remind me who is in charge.... i am ready for Him to make 'miss cranky pants' disappear......

and then because we don't live 24/7 together ........ i look ahead and wonder in the busy weekend that is coming where in god's name Sir will be able to fit in this shortening the leash.. beating me black and blue and reminding me who is actually in charge !!! There is no time!! (hear me wail?? )

i can not center myself.. i can not focus myself.. i am as cranky and irritable as a little child who didn't get his nap........ (ohhhhhh if only it were that easy) ........ why can't i be the graceful accepting submissive?? why can't i be a grown up and accept life.. why do i feel the terrible urge to shake something... throw something.. yell and scream??

ughhhhhhh i hate sub drop...... i hate being needy and wanting and achy........ i hate being this endorphin junkie............

Keeping me sane......

Yesterday spankedhortic left this comment on 'Reality'

"Yep, there is a lot of vanilla life that has to be lead (some of it is actally quite good) but it is the floggers and crops (and canes and straps and.......) that stops me going mad, I don't know about you?"

(i stumbled across spankedhortic's blog from a comment he left a while back in reference to a 'house boy' post... and i have been reading him since.)

Anyway getting back to yesterday's comment....... of course he is right.. so very right. It IS the floggers and crops and all the other toys and sessions that make life so much easier to cope with.

My need for pain.. for the endorphins... is something i have whined about, written about, ranted about, and pouted about.. on this blog more than once !!! It is .. for me.. what makes life flow together. When i come home on a Friday night - exhausted and stressed from the week's events - Sir knows exactly where to take me.. and exactly how to get me there. My absolute favourite is to be told to lie on the floor at Sir's feet while He puts needles up and down my ass... using chains and small swords between the needles to tickle and tempt and make me wiggle ... and when the last needle is removed, my body is as limp as a wet dish rag..... stress free and relaxed and ready for the weekend.

When i have been ill... and Sir cuts back on the floggings on the sessions.. it makes me feel broken.. half a sub..... and i slip into a massive pity party..... if Sir won't play with me then i MUST be damn sick !!!

These past few weeks and months Sir has played with me hard as much as is humanly possible.. taking my mind to far off places where there are fairies and laughter and pretty colours - and He has not left me to wallow in self pity or doubt .. or even left me too long with the "what if monster".

Last evening Sir had an appointment and couldn't be online to touch base with me.. He knows how fatigued these new pills are making me.. He knows my fear of the end of result...... and so imagine my surprise when i received the email with instructions for the evening..... at 7:30 i was to apply clamps to my pussy and leave them on for 30 minutes... then i had a 15 minute rest before i was to bring out the vibrator and vibrate myself for 15 minutes before being allowed to cum.

That email was like a gift...... i anxiously awaited the 7:30 start........ i was just a tad disappointed with the masturbation time.. no no .. not the fact i had to masturbate.. but at my body's reaction to it......... ohhhhhhhhh i had an orgasm.. but most definitely NOT an earth shattering one...... but then i was tired.. the wind was howling around the house - the trees were rattling against the windows and it was not the most relaxing atmosphere.. especially when the lights flickered on and off a couple of times.. BUT i did it.. and as i lay in my bath i realized how lucky i was (yes yes again !!) to have a Sir who knows exactly how to push the fears.. the stress.. the mundane every day business from my world.......

So YES spankedhortic it does stop me from going totally mad!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and for those of you who keep track of my "other blogs" i have posted some pics to the Photojournal ....... enjoy!!!

Bad bad subbie

Have you ever stopped a session because you just felt in your bones it was being done for you.. that your Dominant's heart just wasn't in it???

i did..........

last night..........



The endorphin junkie started to rear it's ugly selfish head this week...... need for pain.. need for orgasms.. need need need.. and all mine...... not one bit Sir's need.........

So last night Sir told me to get the needles..........
i ignored Him the first two times He asked........
Then He put His foot down and had me bring Him the needles..

He had me kneeling by His side and leaning forward so He could insert needles... The first one got dropped .. or fell out of it's sterile container.. Sir had trouble getting it back in... my heart fell....... it wasn't the right time........ and so i acted up .. answered back.. and i was told to clear up the needles and go back to my chair. My heart hurt.. deeply....... for being a brat.. for needing...... for all the things i did wrong ..........

Sir said 'here' that i was a good nurse.. sang my praises.. i am not a good nurse .. i hate to see anyone sick.. suffering.. hurting.. but i also get impatient.. not with Sir god no!! but with the system that screwed up.. that damaged my Sir and has made His recovery long and hard and messy.........

i hurt........ and it isn't a good hurt...... i was bad and that makes for a whole mess of hurt inside.

Critique!

It was.. for lack of a better word..... an interesting weekend......

A week or so ago i convinced Sir that his blog needed updating.. and so i went to work and updated his blog.. adding a new heading picture (which i happen to LOVE !!) Since then he has been too busy to post anything... Well this weekend i pointed out to him - oh so very subbie like - that it depressed me to see the same sad post from way back in April on his brand spanking new blog layout. So......... Sir went to work to post a new upbeat entry.. and ohhhhh my god !!! ever heard of "Murphy's law"?? well it took all weekend .. much cursing and swearing and sweating .. and my offering to reload his old layout .. before Sir finally got the whole thing working again.......... If you get a chance check out the new improved look of Sir’s Place...... as well as some pretty spring time "pictures" !!! (may i say OUCH!!!??)

BUT that was not what i really want to post about today....... i rattled Sir's cage a wee bit by saying i was going to post a "critique" of the weekend's activities.. but mostly what this post is about is... "be careful of what you wish for"... (terrible english but you catch the drift)

On Saturday while Sir and i were hoofing it around the garden centers getting all the supplies i needed to work on the gardens.. i leaned over to Him and whispered "i am SOOOOO horny" Now please note.. most of the time Sir is very generous with my orgasms.. i only have to ask and i receive. So when we got home.. some time later.. He proceeded to .. ummm.. play with me sexually. i muttered (ok ok shoot me now !!) how i LOVE to be teased. Sir replied .. with a lifted eyebrow.. "Oh really??!!" and promptly stopped.

Stop and start and repeat was the practice for the day........

By Sunday i was thinking ok this isn't fun anymore !!! When Sir was using the tawse (yes the damn tawse again !! it was the toy of choice for the weekend!!) i was finding it very very difficult not to beg for an orgasm.... there is no polite way of putting this.. i was dripping wet and dying .. DYING i say!! .. for an orgasm. Sir was doing his outmost best to torture my pussy.. he was using the tawse between my legs.. he was pinching my pussy.. tugging and pulling on my clit jewelry and flicking it in a most evil way.

i was .. i thought.. doing everything in my power to ask him (oh so very subtly for an orgasm). i was wiggling my butt at him.. i was moaning ecstatically with every pinch, tug, flick. It got to the point that i was nearly out of my mind with need. ( i have read that before somewhere.. and thought .. oh yeah.. sure !! trust me it is possible to be nearly out of one's mind with need !!) i was so needy.. so wanting.. that when Sir (ugh i hate to even think about this !!) teased my asshole i was praying He would .. well WOULD .. cause even that was better than nothing. BUT He didn't !!

Not one orgasm the whole weekend.. not one!! And now it is Monday and Sir has left to go and attend to work and the usual vanilla week long business.. and i am left feeling ... cranky believe it or not! very very cranky.. and all because i was stupid enough to say "i love being teased".... i will learn !! (or will i?? )

A subbie decree

i love my vanilla friends - i really do!! AND i love my family - honest i do!! BUT to have two engagements on the same weekend one with family one with vanilla friends is too much!!

Soooooo i decree from now on......... only one family or vanilla engagement is allowed over a one weekend period. There just isn't any other way !!! cause know what happens when there is too much vanilla and not enough BDSM?? A cranky needy bitchy weepy subbie appears.... like magic!!! she just pops up .. like a rabbit out of a hat.....

There is something that makes a subbie brain very different from a normal vanilla brain.. maybe even from a Dom brain. The subbie brain prepares... it calculates.. it imagines.. it fantasizes.. it prepares (ooooooops i said that already didn't i??)

BUT it is so very true .. the sub brain prepares itself for pain. Let me give you an example. On New Year's Day Sir and i were having some BDSM friends over for a party / get together. Sir had me fetch the new tack paddle and place it in easy reach (translate - put it in the kitchen) Then He had me fetch the antiseptic and the cotton pads and put them in easy reach (translate - put them with the paddle in the kitchen). Then sometime during the evening Sir told me to fetch the paddle. My heart started pounding, my palms got sweaty and .. well yes.. i just plain got wet. Sir had me present myself over the footstool .. ass bared for all to watch. Sir showed everyone the paddle.. He pointed out the tacks poking through...... the build up was awesome. My mind and body was ready. i braced myself for impact. Sir raised the paddle and gave me one light tap. i waited. He went on talking about what usually happened. Then He patted my ass and handed me the paddle and told me to put it away.......???!!! put it away?? But but but??? i put it away.. my hands trembled.. my knees felt weak... my stomach ached. That was it folks!

And so it is when Friday comes around.. my heart starts to pound... my palms get sweaty.. and i prepare / fantasize / calculate and prepare some more for the weekend ahead. It is absolutely NO good at all if there are two vanilla events on the same weekend. There just isn't enough time or energy left over for any decent play.

Sir wrote a lovely blog entry about the play on Friday night....... a tease i say.. a tease!! my body was ready.. my mind was ready.. i was hot and sweaty and all wet.......... and that was it.. an instant replay of New Year's Day...........

So today i decided that it was time for a subbie revolt of sorts.. a declaration .. "from now on, only ONE (1) vanilla event allowed per weekend." Do ya think it will work???

~~~~~~~~~~~
On a completely different note.. if anyone is interested.. i had my re-check of my re-check of my re-check today at the doctor's and she declared me 99% fit !!!! Yeahhhhhhhh no more yucky fungus growing inside my body........ no more meds.. yay.... i am finally cured.

Dark before Dawn

It is just before dawn and i am awake ... slow moving.. but awake... it is a quiet time of day........ none of my neighbours are up or out .. it is the quiet before the "storm" i call it. It is the time of day i love ...........

my body is returning to normal....... on two fronts. The bruises don't hurt as much and my energy levels are peaking to normal again.... (i actually managed to wash 3 sets of hard wood floors when i got home yesterday - including moving furniture to do it!! and all before dinner !!)

i cheated a bit last night when i was chatting with Sir... He is busy looking and looking for more train stuff.. so i put on a dvd on my portable dvd player that i am just really learning to appreciate....... and watched the Illusionist while we chatted. i loved it... the movie i mean. It was like a fairy tale...... happy ever after ending. And i didn't feel quite so ignored .. not like usual. The thought did cross my mind i may have created a monster with this train thing.........BUT i am trying very hard not to be such high maintenance.

i will be alone tonite..... Sir is doing some volunteer work at the local veteran's hospital ... playing bingo with them or organising bingo... something along those lines. i get to amuse myself for an evening... i am thinking cleaning the main level might be a good idea.. especially since Sir has invited some vanilla friends for dinner on the weekend......... and the house hasn't had a good cleaning since i got sick a month ago.........i could hope for some nice bdsm tasks to do instead........but i really am trying NOT to be high maintenance.. just a quiet invisible sub .. waiting to be needed..... He taught me that at the very beginning.. "a good sub is invisible"

i do like the quiet before the dawn - time to think about "things"...

long time..

It has been a long time since i received a "good" session.... we won't go back over all the reasons....it is enough to say it has been a long time........ but there are only 2 days left till the weekend.. and i am feeling the first beginnings of what i have come to call "the itch".. starting in my lower belly..........

i try to ignore it.. i try NOT to think about it.. i keep saying over and over like it is some mantra .. not my needs/wants not my needs/wants........ is it working?? Honestly i don't think so... my body is straining against the vanilla bonds that have been placed on it.. and it is strange.. during my 2 weeks sabbatical i honestly thought i could / would just walk away from everything BDSM.... i would become a hermit.. i didn't need anyone !! i am a tough old bird... (another kind of mantra i have )...

And yet as the 2 weeks went on i started fantasizing about what i could actually do to myself to satisfy the need for pain (sort of like the "need for speed" but just a tad different)... i pictured myself playing with needles and bull dog clamps and all sorts of manner of toys... so maybe i couldn't really walk away from the need inside.....

But i digress the weekend is coming and my mind is full of wonderful pictures.. wonderful feelings.. they come in waves no matter how much i try and suppress them.......

BUT those pictures don't belong here on the "reality" blog.. i am putting them up on my Photojournal (see link on the right).. and please don't go to view them if you are a bit screamish...... please?? these are pretty extreme photos.. well extreme for me.....