From the Heart

I learned a new word today -- "Atelphobia".  

It's not really Sir Steve's fault -- he reassures me all the time -- till I am sure he is fed up reassuring me.

BUT ya see..... he also tells me about his wife -- the one I knew 10 years ago -- and how amazing she was in bed.  I don't think it's meant as a comparison -- but I do the comparing for myself.  I am good at that.

AND it doesn't help that I envied her ....... envied her looks..her age.... her sexiness.. her confidence ..... her body.

The way Sir Steve tells it -- they fucked like rabbits..... day night -- in the car -- in the bed -- everywhere.  

I have always been sexually submissive -- I have tried to take initiative -- I have tried being on top -- I have tried to do all the things this exwife used to do (and most likely a whole mess of other women ) -- and I felt like I was playing a game... pretending... putting on an act.  I do NOT know how to be bold and sexy and daring ...... and I don't know how to learn it.

And so I feel 'not good enough'.

I make up for it in the only way I know how -- I cook and clean and do the laundry -- and do the paper work for his business - and pick the lil one up at the bus -- I do what I do well...... and try and pretend that the sex isn't important... that sex after dark just before sleep is ok ...... 

BUT then the lil voices in my head start......'if you were thinner.......if you were younger... if you were better at it........ ' and on and on and on........ 

Even fairy tales have monsters and dragons and beasts .......... 

"The Sun will come out tomorrow............ "

Yesterday was a real yucky day -- and it got worse when I went to the gym.  I didn't have a good work out -- when I got on the tummy machine (as I call it) I couldn't budge it -- not one inch.  It upset me -- stressed me out -- by the time I got to the treadmill (last 15/20 minutes of gym time) I could barely walk at my usual speed... my body hurt... my head hurt... I couldn't focus.  When I left the gym I could have cried -- I saw it as a complete failure on my part -- a total waste of time.  The fact that my body was still hurting from Monday's work out didn't count in my head.  I had failed! pointe finale.

I had a long hot bath last night.  I relaxed and talked some sense to myself - and slapped myself up the backside of the head.  It was ONE off day -- I had no intentions of quitting -- so smarten up (sort of talk)

And then things started to turn around....... 
Sir Steve got his ex to pick up the lil one from school on Friday (today) so 1) he doesn't have to drive and 2) we can go back to the gym together tonite

Then Sir Steve said on Saturday we will work together to clean out the back shed -- organise his tools and move all the bloody boxes and furniture into the shed.  First Plus -- the boxes and furniture will be out of the house .. Second Plus --  when the ex finally does decide to come pick up she won't have to set foot in the house.  YAY!

This morning my heart feels lighter -- the stress levels seem lower -- I am actually looking forward to going to the gym with Sir Steve tonite.  It'll be fun again -- it'll be a challenge and I will do it !! 

AND best of all -- we have the whole weekend to ourselves -- and that is a very good thing!


 

Still Pissy.......

Soooooooo I went to the gym yesterday -- by myself -- and worked my ass off.  Then I went and had my hair cut -- and had one blue hair extension added.  I have always wanted a blue streak in my hair -- or a red one -- even toyed with purple.  BUT I didn't want to dye it -- cause what if I really hated it?? The hairdresser had coloured hair extensions -- so I opted for that.... mainly cause if I hated it I could take it out immediately.  

I HATE it.  

And can't figure out how to take it out.  Maybe Sir Steve will be able to get it out tonite.  Maybe I haven't given it time enough to get used to it??? BUT all I know is I thought a blue streak in my hair might improve my mood.  

It didn't.

I was gung ho this morning to bake more cookies -- there is a cookie monster in this house and cookies never last long.  Was gonna bake peanut butter cookies ..........

Was gonna organise and really clean the living room -- in hopes that I could bring a couple of my plants here...... in hopes that I could bring a couple of my things here -- make it feel like my home too 

BUT haven't started any of those jobs........ not one.

This mood HAS to lift soon........ I'm tired of it

Pissy Mood

(side note before I start -- the above meme made me smile -- cause last week I was reaching for my morning pills -- wasn't paying attention -- and landed up taking my sleeping pills -- it was a lazy assed day believe me!!)

There have been a few things rumbling around in the back of my head -- irritating things... like finger nails down a blackboard.  Ignore them (or try to) and they become a whole lot more irritating....... to the point of imploding.

So to avoid imploding -- I am gonna rant away here...... and hope I can reduce the imminent threat of implosion.

So ---- two weeks ago we went to court over custody of the lil one.  At the time Sir Steve put in a request with the courts that the 'mother' finally move all her crap out of his house.  (30+boxes and large pieces of furniture) The court granted her 10 days to get a storage unit (or whatever!) and move it out.  The other night Sir Steve was asking her about this weekend on Facebook and asked when she would be moving her crap out (not his words mine) AND she said "ohhhhhhhh maybe mid October"..... 
M A Y B E mid October???!!!   This woman doesn't think she has to abide by a court order -- she thinks the whole f'ing world has to cater to her schedules -- her needs - her desires.

WELL the truth of the matter is I am sick to death of squeezing past 30+ boxes in the hallway -- and moving an empty china cabinet every time I want to plug the vacuum in.  I am tired of cleaning and tidying the house and the only thing anyone really sees is M E S S !!  I am SO done!!  AND Sir Steve would like to have Thanksgiving here (which is in two weeks!!)  and I am realizing I can not -- WILL NOT -- entertain a house full of guests and some weekend visitors -- in THIS MESS!

AND while I am on the topic of court orders and the ex's ......... it is clearly stipulated in the temporary agreement -- that the transporting of the lil one to and from the mother's residence is to be shared.  BUT Sir Steve has been driving and picking up every weekend -- EVERY WEEKEND! - for a year and a half.  Mostly I haven't cared -- his problem right?  Yeah well this week Sir Steve and I joined a gym.  It has been 5 months since I set foot in a gym and my weight and body shape shows it -- and I hate IT!  He and I agreed that we'd go together after he finishes work - Mon and Tuesday and Thursday and Friday.  I pointed out to him that we couldn't do the gym together on Friday cause he has to drive the lil one.  His answer was we could go to the gym on Saturday.  

I stewed -- and fussed -- and nearly imploded.  WHY do I have to change my gym routine because SHE won't follow the court order?? WHY can't she pick up on Fridays and let us go to the gym??!!! 

On an entirely different aggravation -- W (my ex 'dom' - for those who may not know) has been posting on FB -- again -- about his great desire to be in the RCMP.  I have mostly ignored his ramblings (much like I ignored his ramblings about suicide as simply attention seeking behaviours) BUT now he has posted a pic of himself -- his profile pic I might add -- in the RCMP red flannel.  He is not an RCMP officer.  Hell he hasn't even been to basic training (though he's going on and on about going -- and making such a nonsense about it to garner attention ) 

At first when I saw the pic -- it looks very official -- I thought 'hell he's actually done it!!  he has actually passed boot camp - the physicals -- the pysch evaluations - and is a member of the RCMP!!"  BUT there was something about the pic that looked too familiar.  It rolled around and around in my head until I realized what it was........ the background is the cupboard doors in the master bedroom of his house -- and it's a selfie for god's sakes!!  Oh and all his friends and supporters are fluttering around getting all excited.  What I want to know is - isn't it against the law to impersonate a police officer -- never mind an RCMP officer!!??  

For 4 years I lived a pretty solitary life in my lil apartment -- and managed to keep people more or less out of my life.  I didn't read the news headlines -- I didn't use facebook much -- a hermit -- that's it I was almost a hermit.  AND my life was so much calmer then -- I kept pretty high walls around me -- it was safe  and no one aggravated me very much............. now?? not so much.  

I am thinking I need a whole new set of 'happy pills' ....... and I need to get to the gym (today's my day alone at the gym) and work off this pissy mood.

What a Weekend!!

We had an amazing weekend!!

It started off on Friday when Sir Steve had his tests done.  They didn't find any compressed disks in his neck -- but he will need to have some vascular tests done.  He came away with two very sexy (NOT) wrist braces to help with the numbness in his hands.

We left the hospital at 3:15ish and took over 4 hours to drive west to our dinner engagement.  We were 40 minutes late thanks to traffic -- but we made it.... and had a great time visiting with friends.

Saturday we were on the road again to head to Toronto and my brother's house.  We had a delightful lunch with him -- went for a walk by the water then headed to downtown Toronto where we met up with my sister-in-law and niece and nephew for dinner.

We then headed off to BMO stadium for the Montreal Toronto football game.  One small problem though -- Montreal didn't show up.  OH they were there -- but you'd never have known it from the game.... final score 19 to 33 for Toronto -- GEEZ!!!

Sunday morning we were back on the highway heading home.  To put it mildly it was a busy weekend .......... and I need a holiday from all the fun.  (cheeky grin)

Sir Steve and I made a pact on the weekend -- we are going to join the gym today and I am gonna get back into a routine .....  5 days a week at the gym.  Big difference this time Sir Steve is going with me.......... support is always a good thing!!

Fantasies aren't Fairy Tales

At this point in my life I really just want to live a quiet life -- no drama -- little or no stress -- I want to kneel at Sir Steve's feet and be his ...... pleasing to him .... his good lil "keebler elf" as he affectionately calls me.

BUT as I was sitting outside this morning thinking about the weekend ahead -- the week behind me -- I realize the life I dream of probably doesn't exist....

Tomorrow morning Sir Steve and I head off to a hospital in Ottawa where he has to undergo tests on his arms and shoulders -- trying to find the cause of the pain in his arms and the pins and needles in his hands.  (Not a good symptom when you own your own renovating company and use your hands and arms daily)

After the tests we head west to meet up with some BDSM friends and go to a munch -- sleep over with said friends and then head off Saturday morning to go and visit my brother and family.  We also are going to a football game - Toronto against Montreal (Toronto will win hands down)

Then long drive home on Sunday to pick up the lil one and start the new week.

The weeks all pretty much look the same -- very vanilla -- very 'happy' family.  There is rarely a chance during the week for me to 'kneel at Sir Steve's feet'....... or time for some 'loving'.

I honestly think this life I want is nothing but a fantasy -- and that kinda makes me sad. 

I don't mean to sound dissatisfied cause I'm not -- because I love this man with my whole being......... and I would go through anything to have even a few minutes of kneeling at his feet.... feeling his hands on my body... hear him whisper "I love you" in the darkness of the night.

Just sometimes I would wish fantasies could come true -- like fairy tales have.  

So.............

Sir Steve's cock is broken -- well not broken more out of commission

If I didn't hear the story first hand -- and see the damage -- honestly I don't think I would have believed it........ 

BUT 

here's what happened...... 

Sir Steve has been working in an empty house renovating it to get it ready for rental.  Monday Sir Steve answered a 'call of nature'.  He said he noticed the water in the toilet was blue......... and when he had finished he noticed some of the blue water must have splashed up on his cock.  He didn't think anything of it.  BUT yesterday he told me he thought he had a chemical burn on his cock.

At the time of telling me this story he just happened to be naked.  I took a look.  And sure enough there was this red spot on his cock.  I asked him if it hurt.  He said he hadn't poked it ( I pointed out he loved poking at my ouchies -- but that's a completely different thing apparently)

So being me -- I leaned down and ran my tongue over the red spot and asked (quite angelically) if it hurt.  He seemed a little preoccupied so I decided a further test was needed and took his cock in my mouth.  At first there was this low growly moan he does .......... and then he 
yelped !!!  

So............ his cock is definitely out of commission for the time being...... I wonder if he could get workman's comp........... maybe??!!! (cheeky grin)

In the Early Morning .........

I love to sit outside early in the morning when the city is just waking up....

This morning the fog was thick when I first went out -- but as the sun rose it started to break through and cast sun droplets on the houses

The young couple across the street were up early -- the joy of having a brand new baby .... the young mom came to sit outside on the stairs - door left open to listen for the baby -- and have an early morning cigarette......

Slowly the noises increased -- cars starting -- the occasional dog barking -- the squirrels running along the wires chattering..

Soon children's voices joined the chorus of early morning noises -- children heading out to the bus stops... one lil guy loves to come up our stairs to say 'good morning' to me.... 

I watched, sipping my coffee, as Sir Steve and the little one walked to the corner to wait for her bus... the fog slipping around them ... almost hiding them... then they would reappear -- the lil one bouncing along beside her daddy... 

The bus came -- the lil ones disappeared -- the mommies and daddies separated and went their different ways... the crows started cawing.. the dogs started barking -- the fog was gone and the sun was shining.......... 

Just another morning in the little town I call home.......

 
 

Wonderful Memories

We had an amazing weekend!

Mother Nature gave us a summer hot weekend -- and the calendar gave us an almost empty campground.  

My eldest daughter and her partner took possession of their trailer on Friday which is across the road from us.  We had a great visit all weekend and the dogs made friends with Sir Steve's dog and played nicely.

The nights though -- they were the best.  The Sadist came to camp this weekend and I have the bruises to prove it.  Each morning my body would ache and I glowed.  I would stroke the bruises lovingly.

I wanted / had asked Sir Steve if we might light a 'wish' lantern and send it off into the universe on our last weekend.  He bought two -- one red and one blue.
On Saturday night -- just before we went into our trailer -- we lit our lanterns and sent them heaven ward with a "happy ever after wish"......

Life is good when you are making memories with the love of your life........ 

Last Weekend

We are heading off to the campgrounds to close up the trailer this weekend.  The camping gods are smiling on us........ 

First off - the lil one will be with her mother in the city .... 

Second - my eldest daughter will be taking possession of the trailer.. she and her partner purchased.....this weekend (right across the road from us) 

AND best of all -- it will be sunny all weekend long with daytime temps around 30 or 85 degrees.  It can't get much better than that!!  We'll have barbeque dinners and campfires and two glorious days of sunshine. 

Sunday the trailer will be closed up and locked for the winter...... and the long days of winter will loom ahead of us.

BUT for this weekend Sir Steve and I will have a last adult weekend at the campsite 
AND that is a very good thing 

Court Date -- Decision (edited)

The case has been delayed while mother goes to Youth Protection to get her file changed.  (she has a 'supervised visits only' with the lil one) She had a year to do this -- a year!!  BUT the judge has given her another 2 months to try and get her record cleared up.

So we're back to waiting......... 8 more weeks.

We are off to court this morning.  As much as I am praying today will be the end -- having read the statements and requests of the lil one's mother I am afraid there will be delays.  

IF we have a good judge -- an intelligent judge -- we may have a decision today -- but I am not hopeful.

We sure could use some good thoughts today...........

The Exorcism

It has been over a year since Sir Steve's ex moved out -- a YEAR!  And as you know (if you read here semi regularly) I started boxing up some of her stuff.  

But over the weekend I told Sir Steve I couldn't do it anymore..... If he wanted me living with him then he had to (at least) help me clean out her crap.... after all I don't know what is her's and what is his!!  I thought I did but screwed up when I packed the coffee mugs..... thinking all the cat ones were her's..... WRONG!

So yesterday morning Sir Steve wasn't working so he rolled up his sleeves and cleaned out a cupboard in the bedroom for my clothes -- moved to the bathroom and cleaned out the cupboard in there of expired meds, her towels, her bubble bath and soaps etc.  Then he moved into the spare bedroom and worked in there.  The latest count is 9 boxes of her shit.

I have 2 speeds - like my father - fast and fastest.  I left Sir Steve cleaning and purging and ran off to the grocery store to pick up staples.  On my way I decided to stop by my apartment and pick up my winter clothes.  I was on fastest speed..... I was preoccupied and distracted.... I wasn't focused.  There is a small step from the city sidewalk to the pathway to my lil home.  I was at my car loading up the winter clothes and turned to go back for something I had forgotten (I don't even remember what it was I had forgotten) The next thing I knew I saw the cement sidewalk coming up to greet me.  I had caught my toe on the lil step and went splat on my face! 

The one OW that broke through the fog was my left wrist....... I stood up gingerly - checking to make sure everything was still working -- looked down at my wrist - my precious fitbit took the brunt of the fall .................... 

And I cried.  My precious fitbit!! My knee was scraped and bleeding.  My wrist felt like it should have had bones sticking out (it didn't -- and as it turns out is only bruised) my right hand was scraped and bleeding.  I climbed into my car and drove home to Sir Steve.  I sounded like a 4 year old when he came to me at the back door.

"I fell"  (cue tears)

He got me into the bathroom and did a check from head to toe..... he cleaned up and bandaged my hand and knee.   AND he tried lecturing me (talking quietly?!) to me about slowing down.

Then  I got my act together and limped off to the grocery store and picked up the staples and came home.  

By last night my body felt like it had been hit by a truck.  BUT nothing is broken except for my fitbit -- and a replacement has already been ordered.

Today more cleaning and purging ....... and soon - much sooner than I expected - this home will be ready for me to feel at home -- no more living in some woman's shadow.  Just living under the protective arm of my Sir Steve.... and that is a very good thing!

My Two Worlds

Saturday was the BIG 5th birthday -- Unicorn theme.  The lil one was over at her mom's until 1:00 which gave me time to get the party all organised.. from the unicorn poop table  (and yes Hermione it was jelly beans spooned into lil jars labelled 'unicorn poop' which the kids thought was grossly fun!!)

to the unicorn cookie decorating table

the loot bag/gift table 

and the grande finale of the Unicorn Pinata.

Twice  during the party the lil one ran over and hugged me - exclaiming "Thank you I am having so much fun!!" (which made it so worthwhile)

All the kids had fun - laughing and playing the games and eating the cake.  
That's my one World.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My other World was nasty vindictive comments - first on facebook about how mean we were to NOT invite the mother and grandparents when they had nothing planned for the birthday.... (and this is my problem how??)

TO

the morning of the party the lil one bounced out of bed all excited for her party and the grandmother actually threw a bucket of cold bucket on her excitement by saying that it wasn't even her birthday!!!   

And then a post on Facebook announcing to everyone how difficult it was to explain to a very sad 5 year old why grandma and grandpa and mommy weren't allowed to go to her birthday!!! 

This was definitely a new low in vindictive behaviours -- raining on the child's special day??!!  Who does that??!!  I equate it with a child waking up all excited on Christmas morning and someone telling them there is NO Santa....... who does that??!!!

The Facebook comments have been printed up and will go to court with us on Thursday.  4 more days and the tension will (hopefully) be resolved once and for all.
OH I don't expect it will improve their behaviours -- but at least we (ME) won't have to walk on egg shells for fear of giving them ammunition to use in court.  These people are BULLIES and really and truly need to be put in their place.  I am hoping the court will do that on Thursday.... I really am hoping!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sir Steve and I carved out some time on Saturday night for us -- but more about that tomorrow .............. 

Almost Party Time

This morning has been busy baking unicorn cookies - for the cookie decorating game.  

The party dress is picked out and ready to be packed.

The Unicorn pinata is stuffed and packed.
The prizes for the treasure hunt are labelled and packed
The Unicorn "poop" bottles are labelled and ready for filling by the kidlets
The Balloons are packed 
The party napkins and plates and paper cups are packed (just realized as I typed that - that we don't need cups as we have juice boxes -- le sigh!)

I want the lil one to have the BEST 5th birthday party possible....... 

My eldest daughter said this week -- 'you'll rock this party Mom"... and she should know -- she had plenty of themed birthday parties.  It makes me smile to remember the first pinata I made that was SO well made my then husband had to use a hammer to break it open -- there were so many different themed parties -- from International Day - to Medieval Days - to Strawberry Shortcake....... yeah I do kids' parties and do 'em well...... (if I do say so myself!)  

I was brought up to believe that your birthday is the most special day of the year (for you) it is YOUR day!!  I am hoping to pass on that belief one more time -- to one more child....... create good memories for one more child.

I have always said (through 20+ years of teaching) 'kids are special people' 
All children have the right to be respected
the right to dream
the right to be loved and cared for 
the right to be encouraged and to achieve their full potential
AND
the right to unconditional love. 

 

No More

living in HER shadow!

Let me explain

Since I moved in with Sir Steve I have been surrounded by 'her' stuff.  Yeah she moved out but she didn't take HER stuff.  The kitchen was full of her stuff -- her disorganized organization.  Back in the early spring I managed to claim 3 cupboards and get them organized in a way that made sense to me and made cooking/working in the kitchen easier (in my humble opinion)

But everywhere I looked there she was -- clothes in the cupboard - shoes around the house - books in the bookshelves - furniture scattered around that is hers and god forbid anyone marks it or messes with it.  I have done some sorting and packing - like her clothes and shoved the boxes into the basement.  And it was good enough in the spring.

BUT now that summer is over and we are back in the city for good - now that we have come to the mutual agreement that I will actually live here in Sir Steve's house - not down the street in my lil apartment -- my stress levels have been on the rise.

Monday night I told Sir Steve point blank -- ' I am basically living out of my suitcase.  There is no room for my stuff.  She is all over the house.... and I can't / won't live like this! It's like there is no room for me in your house!"

Sir Steve immediately said we would find room for my clothes NOW.  Silly man !  He is working in Ottawa all week -- he will not have time to help me clean out cupboard space.

Yesterday when I looked around this house -- it's like the clock stopped a year and half ago when the proverbial shit hit the fan.  Not only is she still here -- well her shadow - but the lil one is still 3 years old...... I put my foot down -- it's enough!

I worked hard yesterday - packed up all the baby dishes -- all the plastic dishes -- all the plastic utensils for the 'baby'.  When the lil one came home I showed her the cupboards tidied up.  I explained she was turning 5 and didn't need baby dishes anymore.  She agreed.  so one major hurdle was crossed.

Today it is time to tackle all the other cupboards in the kitchen that hold her 'stuff'.  I am gonna pack it all in boxes (I would like to throw it all out -- but it's not my place) and put the boxes in the basement.  Then reorganize the kitchen......... and scrub it -- and disinfect it... not to make it mine -- NO.  But to make it ours -- somewhere we can cook together and enjoy family meals without constant reminders of her -- OR the pain of the last 18 months.

There's a shit load of stuff to wade through and pack up (am thinking it is probably gonna take most of the winter) but I will get it done........I will give Sir Steve a home of happy memories -- of laughter and joy -- and family.  

I will do it if it takes a full on exorcism (cheeky grin)  cause I am not gonna live in her shadow anymore......... 

Now I am gonna take down the wedding picture ............. and make room for Sir Steve's sword collection!

(and in all honesty -- I am fully aware that I may very well be over stepping some boundaries here -- keep your fingers crossed that I am right -- that this family is more than ready to let go of the past and move forward )

  

Building and building.....

I am sure you are all a little tired of hearing about Sir Steve's ex's and their petty vindictiveness ......... but this is my safe place to spew out my hurt ... my confusion.... and my anger.

The latest chapter in butt hurt  attempts at public humiliation happened this weekend.

The lil one's birthday is next Sunday.  (remember the mother has visitation on weekends).  Sir Steve and I talked about this birthday -- and I said that seeing as she will get gifts from everyone (gifts upon gifts) that I would like to give her a kid's party as my gift.

We talked to the lil one and she was very excited and asked if she could have a "Unicorn Party" ....... absolutely!  So I started to plan a Unicorn party for her and 4 of her lil friends -- at the trailer next Saturday.  Sir Steve and I decided to have it on a Saturday so the ex's could have her on her actual birthday and not get too bent out of shape.

Well !!!  Mother threw a hissy fit when she was told that it was for kids only and no she wasn't invited.  After all she had her on the actual day!  The Grandfather came storming over to have it explained to him that they (the grandparents and mother were not invited to the kids party) The grandmother took it to facebook accusing us of assuming they had plans for the child's birthday when they didn't and were now not allowing them to join US for her party.

W T F 

First -- how can you not plan some sort of celebration for your -- Y O U R - child's 5th birthday??!!

Second -- after being hurtful and vindictive towards us all summer and spreading gossip about us -- and doing everything in your power to poison the child against us -- WHY would they think they would be invited??!  This takes crazy to a special level in my books.

I am not equipped to deal with this level of 'crazy'

 

Getting Real

We came back to the city Saturday night after a wonderful visit/day with Angelsquest.  It was so good to see her again !!  felt like old times -- only happier.

I was jumpy -- skin electrified -- knowing a beating was going to happen -- wanting it NOW - knowing not to ask - on edge waiting for the moment............ 

Suddenly with no warning Sir Steve took both my hands and led me into the bedroom.  I was a little jittery 'cause he's never been so 'formal' (for lack of a better word) and he had me stand stock still while he stripped me naked.  I felt shy... and vulnerable and he laughed and said "I have seen you naked hundreds of times before" ..... but he had never stripped me before -- never watched so intently as each piece of clothing came off before!

And then he told me to lie on the bed....... and he started playfully hitting my breasts and belly with a paddle.  The mood changed.  He walked away from me and put on his cover (leather cap)...... my heart pounded.  This was the Sadist I played with 10 years ago.  This was the Sadist who had strict rules and no mercy.  The play continued briefly until he said "You are watching me" and he stopped and pulled out a make shift blind fold and tied it over my eyes.  

Now with my world plunged into darkness the strike of the flogger or the cut of the knife became so much more intensified.  Behind the blindfold - in my mind's eye - I could see him with his cover pulled down almost covering his eyes -- imagine the intensity of those eyes as he selected the next toy -- as he watched it hit my body and my body's reaction.  The relentless hit hit hit of the flogger across my breasts, down my body, hitting my pussy hard and fast till I was arching off the bed.  

He used the crops as canes and raised welts -- hitting the side of my hip till I rolled over (assuming that is what he wanted) -- felt the crop's stinging bite as it raised red welts across my ass.

And finally -- much later -- felt his hands stroking my back -- bringing me back to the bedroom and his bed...... his hands gently removing the blindfold... seeing his cover resting on his knee... seeing the half smile he gets when he has enjoyed himself -- when he sees the blurry dopey look on my face.... feeling his hands gently touching/tracing the bruising on my hips... hearing him say "you'll have some nice marks there tomorrow"

and I whispered 'I want you to fuck me' and he said "tomorrow" and pulled me tight into his body and I slept.

Sunday Sentiments

Despite it All.........

I know a lot of my entries this summer have been stories of conflict and anger and hurt.

But my life isn't that at all really.  My life is full of love. No one ever promised it was gonna be easy.  What's that song?? "I didn't promise you a rose garden"??? Sir Steve's first concern for me - way back in February/March was that his ex's were gonna make my life miserable -- gonna drive me away.  

(shaking head)

I waited too long for Sir Steve -- for this love we have.  There is nothing that will drive me away!

Together we can get through anything -- strong........... united....... in love.  And if anyone thinks they can drive a wedge between us -- they will see it only brings us closer.

Life is good when your love is strong.

 

 

Cluster Fuck

Yesterday was a 'cluster fuck'.  It's strange I never use that word -- it's really not even in my vocabulary -- but by 3pm yesterday I was pacing the trailer saying over and over "what a cluster fuck........ what a cluster fuck".

I am not going to go into details because they are too long and too convoluted to even try.  I did however see this cluster fuck coming because a few days ago the lil one and I were at a friend's trailer visiting and the grandmother came over to interrupt.   The lil one continued playing pretty much ignoring the grandmother.  Then for whatever reason the lil one decided to hug and kiss me and tell me how much she loved me (this is NOT uncommon -- something special -- she tends to do it frequently -- so did the children in my classroom for over 30 years!!)  I told Sir Steve that night that there was gonna be fall out from it...........there always is.
 
The fallout happened yesterday.  I had been to the city for a couple of hours and when I got home -- I hadn't even put the car in park - when the lil one came storming across two campsites crying -- telling me I had left the dog alone and she had cried while I was gone.  The lil one sounded so angry with me.  It literally tore my heart out.  I quietly explained to her that the dog has problems being alone -- that the dog cries sometimes -- but she knows the dog is fine!!  I let her go in the trailer and let the dog out -- we put her on her rope and the dog bounced around happy and playful like usual.  BUT it did not console the child.  I had been mean to leave the dog.  I sent the child back to the mother.

I admit I did nothing but storm around the trailer saying IF the mother had been an adult -- even IF the child had been upset by the dog crying - she could have reassured her.  (Please note I highly doubt the child was upset until it was pointed out to her - as the dog cries whenever we leave her and the child has never noticed before!!)

My stomach knotted up -- I started shaking -- I felt the panic attack coming on -- AND the urge to really stir up some shit.  I have seen too many -- way too many -- children used as pawns in custody hearings/divorces.... have seen what it does to them emotionally.  I sent Sir Steve a text message at work.... something I have never done!  He texted back immediately.  AND when he got home and saw the mess I was in -- suggested we come back to the city for the night. 

Poor Sir Steve is devastated -- for his child who is being used as a pawn and for me who is being hurt by this nonsense.  It was a quiet night.

BUT it did me the world of good to be back in the city away from their ever watching eyes.  Away from the pettiness and the vindictiveness ... just away from all of them.