"The Sun will come out tomorrow............ "

Yesterday was a real yucky day -- and it got worse when I went to the gym.  I didn't have a good work out -- when I got on the tummy machine (as I call it) I couldn't budge it -- not one inch.  It upset me -- stressed me out -- by the time I got to the treadmill (last 15/20 minutes of gym time) I could barely walk at my usual speed... my body hurt... my head hurt... I couldn't focus.  When I left the gym I could have cried -- I saw it as a complete failure on my part -- a total waste of time.  The fact that my body was still hurting from Monday's work out didn't count in my head.  I had failed! pointe finale.

I had a long hot bath last night.  I relaxed and talked some sense to myself - and slapped myself up the backside of the head.  It was ONE off day -- I had no intentions of quitting -- so smarten up (sort of talk)

And then things started to turn around....... 
Sir Steve got his ex to pick up the lil one from school on Friday (today) so 1) he doesn't have to drive and 2) we can go back to the gym together tonite

Then Sir Steve said on Saturday we will work together to clean out the back shed -- organise his tools and move all the bloody boxes and furniture into the shed.  First Plus -- the boxes and furniture will be out of the house .. Second Plus --  when the ex finally does decide to come pick up she won't have to set foot in the house.  YAY!

This morning my heart feels lighter -- the stress levels seem lower -- I am actually looking forward to going to the gym with Sir Steve tonite.  It'll be fun again -- it'll be a challenge and I will do it !! 

AND best of all -- we have the whole weekend to ourselves -- and that is a very good thing!


 

The Dreaded Plateau

I think I have always been on diet .... I have never been "small" ....... and always wanted to be "small" ........ and always seemed to be working on getting "small" and always........ ALWAYS....... seemed to hit the dreaded plateau where the weight just stopped coming off for weeks !!  And I would get discouraged and say "oh fuck it" and there went all the work.

And as you all know - here I am again dieting.  Well not exactly dieting this time - just changing my eating habits - and being more aware of what I eat.  When I say "being more aware" it's not as easy as it sounds - I record every morsel of food that goes in my mouth.  I watch the calories slowly (and sometimes fast) click down to 0.  

I have been going to the gym 3 times a week and walking for 3 miles - aiming for 10,000 steps a day - falling short every day (well nearly every day) but watching the weight come off.  The one thing about walking on a treadmill - it counts how many calories I burn off.  Which I see as adding calories to my daily intake.  I am allowed 1100-1200 calories a day.  IF I burn 300+ calories on the treadmill I can have a treat that day.

Suddenly though - I noticed that despite the fact I was still walking 3 miles per session at the gym - the number of calories I was burning had dropped.  WTF?? At first I blamed the machine - must not be calibrated properly.  But after changing machines and still burning less calories my frustration/curiosity hit an all time high.

I talked to one of the trainers.

It turns out that the more weight you lose - the less calories you burn doing the same work out.  Hmmmmmmmmmmm..... really???? and my mind saw the "dreaded plateau" and there was no way I could cut any more calories.  Truthfully I am barely eating 1100 calories a day - and the program I use to track these calories yells at me - yes YELLS at me - in red - in capitals when I don't eat my 1100 per day.

So how to prevent a plateau that will discourage me - and have me saying " fuck this".  I have come so far............... 

The trainer suggested 1) increase the number of days at the gym 2) increase the speed of my walking - OR if that doesn't seem possible (and it doesn't right now) add an incline.

SO 

I am now striving for 5 days a week at the gym.  I have increased the speed a wee tiny bit...... and added a wee tiny incline.  (Incline tends to strain my old knees) 

and lo and behold - the calories are being burned off faster again - and the weight is slowly coming back off again.  The Dreaded Plateau didn't last more than 5 days!!

Who knew how easy it is to beat the Plateau syndrome!?  Well I guess a lot of people - definitely the trainers at the gym.  

And the other plus to this work out routine - I earn more sugar grams every day - which makes my sweet tooth very happy !!!

Ok now this probably isn't a big AH HA moment for most of you - but hell it was for me!!  It explains years and years of plateaus and yo-yo dieting.............. onwards and upwards - or in this case - onwards and downwards !!

Seeking serenity

I can finally return to yoga today after 2 weeks recovery from my surgery.  

I am hoping to find some inner peace and calm.

Tai Chi

I am finished my 4th week of Tai Chi and I can honestly say Tai Chi is gonna kill me!

I don't care what the doctor says about it not being enough exercise... I got some news for him!

Not only do my muscles hurt - but my brain hurts from trying to remember and follow and remember.  

And to think I always believed I could chew gum and walk ........ at the same time!!

Klutz

The pictures that one sees of Tai Chi are always so beautiful - and the people doing it so very graceful.

I always thought it would be fun to take Tai Chi classes.  But between work and family I never seemed to find time.

Well now I am retired - with all sorts of time on my hands.  So I signed up for classes  - 4 months of classes!!!

Today was my first class.

Now I have never considered myself to have 2 left feet - or to be unable to follow simple directions........... but dear god!!!  Tai chi may just defeat me.   I couldn't even remember which foot was my left foot !!!  

KLUTZ !!

I think it is gonna be a long long time before I am one of those graceful folks doing Tai Chi in the early morning dew........... thank god I signed up for 4 months!!

On Dieting

For most of my adult life I have battled against weight.. that is not to say I was ever very small - not even as a child. And I have had numerous great successes with losing weight....... like the year my brother got married. I lost so much weight that my own mother didn't recognize me at the church !!

BUT
the weight always seemed to magically slip back on.

Last March during the emotional period I started to lose weight again - not planned - just nerves - but the weight started to come off - again. I decided to keep up losing - again. The difference was I wasn't in a hurry - and I never climbed on a scale. I did measure myself about once a month and watched the inches start to disappear. I kept myself busy and even exercised (with my new Wii)

Then September came and trying to fit exercising into my working schedule got to be next to impossible. Eventually the measuring tape stopped showing inches lost. Mind you it didn't show inches gained so I saw this 'plateau' as a success. I realized if I just kept at it eventually the inches would start to melt again.

Then at the end of October I got this gall bladder thing. Everything I ate made me nauseous.. or hurt. So I started eating differently. Because I had been through this once before I remembered bits and pieces of the "gall bladder" diet. If I didn't eat any spices, any fatty foods, any rich foods I would be able to cope. Then I saw my doctor and complained about the continual ache in my side. She set down the diet on paper. What I could eat. Cause the 'what I couldn't eat' was too long.

Now I have one piece of dry toast in the morning, with a tablespoon of jam. and yes I have one cup of coffee (even though it is FORBIDDEN but I cannot survive my day without one cup !!) For lunch I have a small bowl of chicken noodle - or chicken rice soup and water. For dinner I have a small chicken breast - no skin - no seasonings - broiled with a small bit of plain rice. As a treat I have one plain rice cake and a small tin of peaches.

That's it .. day in .. day out. For five weeks now.

Only sometimes I cheat...... Last weekend I had half a green salad - with oil dressing and felt like crap for two days. Or yesterday noon I craved Kraft dinner (a comfort food from my childhood) so I made some and had a small - small - serving and by dinner time felt like crap.

I have gone through periods of terrible cravings. I want barbecue ribs, Indian food, Chinese food, Thai food, hamburgers and french fries, sweets and more sweets and even MORE sweets.

Everyone is noticing how much weight I have lost. Most think I am dieting by choice and pat me on the back. My doctor has warned me that when I am fit and fine again - I have to be careful about starting back on normal food - as I will gain quickly.

Last night as I lay quietly on the sofa wishing I could feel like me again..... I was thinking about this diet and all the diets I have ever been on. And I realized something. Dieting after this should be easy. I can add spices and have red meat and the occasional sweet, and even Chinese and Thai and Indian food. In moderation. IF I can do this gall bladder diet for 5+ weeks I can do ANY diet.

And I was thinking how important food is to our "social" lives. We meet people for dinner at restaurants, we have people over for dinner. I was trying to think what Warren and I might do this weekend - and it all seemed to involve meal time and food. And truthfully I can't face cooking a normal meal for someone and a bland (should be tossed in the garbage) meal for myself. We talked about going to a movie and I thought I can't even have a handful of popcorn !!

I realized food has become too important a part of my life. I need to find other ways of socializing with people that doesn't involve copious amounts of food and perhaps even liquor.

I have a feeling that keeping this weight off.. and even losing more will be a whole lot easier now .......... now that I know my new diet can include seasonings and margarine and dairy (oh god do you have any idea how much I miss CHEESE!!??)

(and in case anyone is interested - I have dropped 2 jean sizes since last March. 2!!! oh yeah and at least that much in bra size - now that can be a bummer - though youngest daughter who is the expert on looking like you have a whole lot more than you really do - has promised to take me shopping for some "lifts")

Sometimes i struggle...

i am nothing if not honest.... here especially. Life is not a fairy tale.... with happy endings .. Life is a road of ups and downs and speed bumps.... Life is hard sometimes.

i have a wonderful new principal (thank the gods) - the first one ever willing to invest time helping me become a better administrator. For 20+ years of running one program and then another and watching them pile up on my desk with all the paper work and problems that comes from running different programs with different staffs.... i have more or less been left to my own devices to make things run smoothly and efficiently. i have struggled with being an administrator. In case you haven't all figured it out yet.. i am not a Dominant.. i am much happier taking orders than giving them. And so i have struggled.

Then along came Mr. M.. and his belief in me. God only knows how he had such faith in me without even really knowing me....... but he did !! And he has been softly and gently guiding me and revamping/changing my style of leadership.

BUT despite all the guidance.. despite all the support..... i kinda sorta hit the wall. and the really weird thing is.. i don't know when exactly i hit this wall.. i just know i have. Yesterday i walked into Mr. M's office and plunked down the required forms to be signed that will grant me a "mental health" day. As he was signing it .. he turned to me and asked if i wanted to talk about it........ i filled up with tears and choked out a firm "NO". He finished the signature as he asked "is it me?? Have I done something?" which made me laugh out loud as i exclaimed "GOD NO!"

Sometimes life just up and bites you in the ass.. which is what is happening right now. And though i really have no obvious reason to be feeling this way... i am.

Sir came over last evening on His way to the train club and we went out for supper. i told Him i was feeling a bit down........ and in doing so .. i feel as though somehow i have let Him down. Sir says it is all the change going on in my working life.. i argued with Him ... i don't feel it is the change. Sir is right.. i don't like change........... BUT this change i have control over.. it is a change that is being orchestrated by Mr. M and myself.. it is a different kind of change.... it is so hard to explain .. but honestly i don't feel this mood is because of change.

i haven't shared this with anyone as of yet.. because i have done this so many times before and failed. BUT i have started a new eating plan (see me avoid the word DIET??!!) The inspiration comes directly (and rests entirely on the shoulders) of the Heron clan. If you haven't been following their struggles with weight loss.. please check out their blog.. and lend your support. It was the pre-surgery entries that hit me the hardest. i kept thinking if they can do THIS i should be able to simply cut back on some calories... right?? RIGHT!

So i got cracking.. bought some much needed vitamins (seeing as i love veggies so much!!) and purchased some food replacement bars. The food replacement bars are a simple solution to a BIG problem.. my lunches at school. i hate packing lunches to take.. so i tended to not bring anything and landed up eating from various restaurants around school or from the vending machine. Then i tended to nibble most of the afternoon from the vending machine .. or various other junk food supplies i had bought and stored in my office.

Now i am having a sensible breakfast (be still my heart - i never used to eat breakfast!) a bran muffin and a cup of coffee (juice is had at home - breakfast at school). Come lunch time i am usually starving.. but force myself to go for at least a 15 minute walk before settling down to eat my lunch bar, with a big glass of water. Dinner is a small portion of protein and carbs.

i have been doing this for 4 weeks now. Yesterday i put on a pair of summer slacks and was amazed they weren't biting into my waist. (i won't say they are big on me .. not yet.. but they aren't biting !!)

And i wondered out loud with Sir last evening... if part of my down mood is because of my new eating plan. He poohed poohed that thinking. But still i can't help but wonder..

i know there are a whole mess of things that play with one's mood.. stress.. dieting.. weather (and lordie we have had some gloom and doom weather lately) ... and just life.

i am hoping that as fast as this mood seems to have hit.. it will move on again.... and let the sun shine back on my heart (as well as my face) and i will be my bratty self again.

But for now......... i struggle.

scheduling......

i am not "micro managed" like some submissives.. and i am not left to my own devices entirely... After the January hiatus.. Sir gave me a schedule of sorts.. i am to stop cleaning the whole house in one or two nights .. i am to clean one level of the house a week.. one room a day..... that bit i really like.. i was killing myself trying to get the house done completely top to bottom every week......

i am supposed to work out every day.. (6 out of 7 days a week) ... one day treadmill the next yoga.. (remember back in January i was doing it with my dvd player and how well it was going until i got pneumonia and flu and various other complications?? ) Well i am not entirely sure how i did it back then...... but since i have recovered from my various bugs... i just don't seem to have time..........

AND i am feeling overwhelmed.. there just aren't enough hours in the day to get everything accomplished... what AM i doing wrong?? !!!

i am up every morning by 5:30 - it takes me a good 30 minutes to wake up... which i do hunched over the pc (cursing the earlier hour) writing a journal to Sir.. and reading my email as i gulp down a cup of coffee.. then shower and all the other little tasks that must be done before work and out the door by 7:00 ..

Most days i am home between 4:30 and 5......... check in briefly with Sir.. strip out of my work clothes.. read some blogs as i unwind from work.. or have a little rest.. then clean one room and by then it is time to make dinner...... by 8 i am on line to talk to Sir for an hour before i have a bath - and head off to bed by 9:30ish....

and of course there are the days i must do groceries.. or stop at the drugstore .. or talk with my own children..

i need a new schedule .. or a day with more hours in it.. or a job that doesn't wipe me out as much....... or .. or .. or.. maybe a new attitude??

Response To Taxi Driver...(long)

Taxi Driver asked:
Could you talk about being made to cum in the middle of a beating.

Something i learned a long time ago was that i could be made to cum just from the crop being used rhythmically against my clit.. with just the right heaviness..not too heavy .. not too light.. the most embarassing moment of my subbie life with Sir was one night at a friend's - with lots of light BDSM activity going on.. Sir wanted to demonstrate my ability to cum with only the crop .. He had me (i was naked at the time) lie on the floor on my back with my pink private bits facing Him and bend my knees up so that i was open and exposed to Him. Then with the other Dom sitting beside Him watching everything (it still makes me blush to think about it) Sir proceeded to crop my pink private bits.. and yes i came... and yes i was terribly embarassed. Another time Sir and i were playing downstairs with another couple.. The Dom said afterwards to me that i made the most "interesting" sounds when i was being beaten... i could feel the blushes coming again.. i KNEW what He was referring to.. it had been a very sensous night of beatings.. and i was very close to cumming - in fact Sir allowed me to cum a couple of times just from the floggings....

All of that is to say that i am a masochist and it turns me on to be beaten.. BUT the session has to be sensous.. it has to be about me.... When Sir does the usual session - fast and hard and with every intention of putting me out there with my fairies i do NOT cum just from the floggers or the crop or the whip........ it takes more.. It takes Sir's fingers sliding between my legs.. sliding into me.. finding that spot.. that special spot and rubbing it... Sometimes it gets very confusing.. i am enjoying the pain.. and almost "there" and He stops to play with me and sometimes i pout.. i am rarely allowed to cum with the first fingers playing.. usually - most times - Sir will do it 2 or 3 times.. bring me just to climax then pull out fast and rough and hard.. teaching me that He controls the orgasms not me!! Usually Sir has managed to stroke my wetness enough to have it running down my legs - filling the room with my musky scent. That in itself is enough to drive me deeper into myself. And Sir loves to wipe His wet hands across my ass so that it is soaking wet before He picks up the flogger again....... do you have any idea how much more it hurts to be hit on wet skin??!!

My orgasm is usually the last thing that happens.. usually! Sometimes Sir will give me a couple more minutes of floggings / whippings before He takes me down.. but usually that signals the end.. Orgasm is another BIG activator of endorphins.. which just explains why ... on the nights that Sir plays with me sexually as well that i fly higher than usual.

Taxi Driver also asked:
Also talk about rewards and positive reinforcement.

This is a good topic.. because it makes me stop and think.......... rewards and positive reinforcement shouldn't be something that one "sees" clearly.. they should be a woven thread into the tapestry of life.. and blend in with the daily routines...

Yes Sir uses them... the most obvious reward is a good session.....perhaps indulging some private desire i have. A good example is once a few years back .. Sir wished to hold a "lock down party" at a club.. (that is where only invited guests come.. and a time is set for the doors to be locked and if you aren't there by that time too bad so sad! the doors are locked) i worked hard organising this event.. from inviting the guests to organising the pot luck meal .. to making sure the club was spotlessly clean and ready for us. When we are hosting a party i seldom if ever have a session with Sir.... the equipment - the time is set aside for our guests.. my duty is to make sure that the everything runs smoothly and everyone has whatever it is they need...
Well just as this party was winding down....... Sir took me up to one piece of equipment and strung me up.. He laid out the toys carefully.. and He warmed me up.. the play area was set a little bit above the rest of the club.. sort of on a low stage.. everyone was sitting at the tables talking and winding down........... After Sir had warmed me up nicely.. He made a little speech.. something about how hard i had worked to make the party happen...... and how proud He was of the job i had done........ and then He invited anyone who wished to thank me to come up and select one of my toys and use it on me. i don't remember how many took Him up on His offer.. i don't remember too much of what happened after that actually.. i do remember it took me a whole lot longer to dismantle the party than it did to set it up.. (cheeky grin) That was a wonderful "reward" for me.. as i have always had this secret (well not so secret now) desire to be spanked/flogged / whipped by many Dominants and switches - more so that i can experience how others do it.. and more to see if i can take it !!

As for positive reinforcements........ mostly they come from within myself.. just knowing i am doing a good job of serving Sir ... From time to time Sir will snuggle into my ear and whisper "I am proud of you" or "you did a good job" and my heart swells and makes all the work or pain or whatever worth it! positive reinforcements are for me quiet words spoken from the heart to the heart.

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day 9 - i needed to refocus myself tonite.. not much energy left.. so i did 20 minutes of non pretzel yoga

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i have posted to my photojournal...... see link at the right.

subspace

Subspace is one the most difficult topics i can think of to explain to someone. i use the term 'dancing with my fairies'. But there is a whole science behind subspace and the endorphins that bring on the rush.

Endorphins are a group of substances formed within the body that naturally relieve pain. They have a similiar structure to morphine. One of the best ways to release these chemicals is pain. And .. like with morphine .. endorphins are addictive... just ask any runner who feels the "adrenaline rush". If you want more of the scientific data.. you can simply google "endorphins".. what i want to try and explain is how it looks and feels to Sir and to me.

When Sir starts a session, i grind my teeth, dance a jig, cry, sometimes yell... it doesn't feel good, hell being hit with a flogger or a whip , or having needles pushed into your body HURTS! And that is what the brain is saying.. OUCH OUCH OUCH... Then there is something that happens in my brain....... i see the pain as waves.. BIG ones.. and i start my mental climb upwards to get on top of them. I deepen my breathing.. i focus on something.. it can be a shiny spot on the wall.. or a mark in the paint... anything...

Then at some point.. i feel it.. i feel the endorphins kick in. i can't explain it very well... i just feel a connection with the flogger or the whip.. i feel a calmness spread over my body... my muscles relax...When Sir talks to me - or asks me a question...... i find it difficult to put the words together to answer Him. i can hear the words in my brain - but it takes all my focus / energy to spit them out. Sir has one question He asks me over and over during a session. He will ask me " who loves you?" and my answer is "my Sir does".. then He will ask "how do you know?" and i answer "because He beats my ass". That's how it looks from my side....

From Sir's side i am quite sure it is a completely different view. First of all there is always the "monster" inside that i believe all Doms fight to keep in check. There is the total sense of power He has over me.. over my body. And i believe there is a sexual arousal.. maybe animalistic?? i am not sure how to phrase it. (and i have a feeling Sir may not be too flattered by that description). i also know it has taken Sir a long time to be totally and completely comfortable with my spacing out on Him. It HAS to be a scary thing for a Dom to be flogging the life out of another human being... to be hearing her cries and yelps.... and He must be questioning what kind of man He is. (at least in the beginning)

At one point - i think it was before Sir came up with the questions to judge my state of mind - He used to stop in mid hit almost and thrust His fingers between my legs. i can remember at the beginning being embarrassed by the wetness that He would find there..later on i came to believe that it was necessary for Sir to feel that wetness.... it showed Him i was enjoying the pain.. it was OK!

It must be difficult as well for Sir to watch the change that comes over me.. He strings up a woman - and takes down (as Sir puts it ) a 4 year old. It must have been very difficult for Sir to figure out what to do with me. AND i am more than a little certain that to this day He doesn't fully understand what it is i experience. How could He?? How can anyone who doesn't go where i go?? It is as difficult for me to understand where Sir goes in His head during this time.

The after care - which is just so damn important to this dance we do together - brings us both back to earth... a gentle bump into the fairy dust.

And all of this is because of a little thing called endorphin.

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day 7 - i wondered where those endorphins were when i was lying in my bed this morning with a migraine!!! but the pain has down graded to a simple headache so 25 minutes with Robin Williams and the treadmill.

Questions.......

The other day i was reading one of the submissive blogs and found that she had asked a whole mess of questions... i rather enjoyed answering them for her - briefly - and also asked if i could use her questions as a jumping off point for some of my blog entries - to which she agreed - thank you mian

So without further ado......... Today's question is: Can one be a slave and not be physically 24/7...not live together etc..... Can one be owned and not be a slave? Not be 24/7?

For the purpose of this 'discussion' i am going to clump slave and submissive together.. mainly because i struggle with the two terms... and Sir and i do not agree on the differences.......(if you are interested .. i believe a slave is higher than a submissive on the ladder of BDSM - Sir does not agree. i would love to be able to call myself slave.. but i have not yet - in my opinion - reached the level of commitment / obedience / whatever that i see in slaves.... (again Sir does not agree with me )

To answer the first part of the question.. i would say yes!! one can be a slave and not live 24/7 with their Master....... however i would think that there would have to be some sort of connection between them during the times they are apart. Daily email journals.. or daily chats on line..perhaps even tasks to be completed daily so that the slave feels she is being used .. and useful. As i have said before...... Sir and i do not (because of life commitments) live together Monday - Thursday. This in no way makes me any less of a submissive than someone who lives 24/7 - at least not in my opinion. There are a lot of times that it is harder to follow the routines / protocols whatever you wish to call them..... when one's Master is not living with them. It takes a lot of inner strength to continue to toe the line when Sir is not here to make sure i do.. or reprimand me when i forget.. which is why i have so many knee jerk reactions - BUT i am working on it!!

Now the second part of the question.. can one be owned and not be a slave - not be 24/7. This one forces me to state a definition of slave and submissive. And i do believe that 'mian' sees the two much the same way i do.

A slave to me is totally and completely owned. Any work they do (outside the home) is done only with the Master's blessing.. if He says no work they don't work. If they do work - any and all monies earned are turned over to the Master. The slave buys nothing for themself.. The slave makes no decisions for themselves - not even to the food they eat. All responsibilities for every day life are taken care of by the Master. The slave is only there to please the Master.. to fulfill His wishes/desires. If this person was owned.. and fulfilled those requirements and more then i would say they would be slave........ even if they weren't living 24/7 with their Master.

i would add a little more to the question.. can one be a submissive / slave and not be owned?? and my answer would be yes. At least for me....... i am submissive by nature and nurture (again something i have said many times before) ... There have been times in my life where i wasn't owned... but i was still very much submissive in my heart. During those times i was frequently stressed and unhappy.. and very unfocused, but i was still submissive. i live for the anchor of the collar.. of knowing who it is i am to please before anyone else.

And thus ends today's discussion.
(edited later in the evening.......... Sir says i sound like a preacher ending my blog this way... i will end all further discussions on BDSM by saying something along the lines of "getting off my soap box " which beats Sir's suggestion of "Go my children and play safe"...)

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today was day 6 and i did 20 minutes of non pretzel yoga..... before i went off to do it.. i was thinking how much i enjoyed having 2 days off from exercising this weekend. AND .. (i know i am gonna live to regret this........ BUT !!!) i was thinking how...IF Sir wanted to punish me for some infraction.. an added day of exercise on the weekends would work wonders....

Freedom

Have you ever thought about 'freedom'?? Usually i illustrate my blog entries - but there is no one picture that truly illustrates 'freedom'..... so use your imagination today.

The lifestyle i live (and share with many others) is not a lifestyle of 'freedom'. What we do... we do behind closed and locked doors. It is against the law. On the net i have found 'friends' who live the same lifestyle - and when i first started this blog those were the only links i had here on The Journey. Oh i read other blogs.. vanilla ones. i even commented occasionally .. but i kept my lifestyle as private as possible - not wanting to shock anyone or bring down the wrath of the right .. or is it left wing factions?? (maybe both) As time went on and no one seemed to object to me or my lifestyle (heck sometimes the vanilla folk even comment on here!!) i added to my links .. a vanilla section. They are good reads - trust me! i read my vanilla links as faithfully (maybe some days more faithfully) as i read my kinky 'friends'.

There is one blogger - The Michael - who had this inspiration to start a community blog... a community of 'friends' . He was very politically correct and invited suggestions from all who visit...for a name for this new community. He invited all interested parties to join this community. But what made me feel....... i don't quite know how to put it .... accepted?? validated?? acknowledged?? was that He invited me to join His little community of vanilla folk.... me - a dyed in the wool masochist. i accepted.

i have no idea what i will write for this new blog........ what i have to offer that won't send the vanilla masses screaming for cover....... add to that fact that i am very non-political and a pacifist and god only knows what i will write.

But today is the inauguration of this new blog entitled Freedom’s Place ...... i have added it to my vanilla link section........ if you have a free minute one day drop by and have a read.. considering the folk who have agreed to make up the population of this community i am sure there will be some good reading!!!

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day 2 - 20 minutes of non pretzel yoga

Day 1

i do not DO New Year's resolutions... i used to.. but who needs more stress in their lives.. by day 3 or 4 i had usually broken 90% of my resolutions and felt like i was 100% a failure.. It never occurred to me that i could start all over again on day 5 or 6 or 10 or 32 .. never occurred to me..... so i gave up doing New Year's resolutions (there are enough things in this life to make one feel like a failure - i honestly didn't need to add more reasons)

i saw the doctor last week......... she explained why i had been feeling "poorly" for the last month.. no i wasn't dying... my meds just needed to be tweaked ......... again. My meds have been tweaked so many times in the last 3 years i am beginning to wonder if they will ever get it figured out...... but each time she tweaks my meds i believe .. i hope.. this is THE time it will work. This is day 5 of my tweaked meds... i think i am feeling better. i am almost afraid to say i am feeling better cause it might jinx it.. but i do have a little more energy..everyone say "Hallelujah!"

On the weekend in Vermont.. Sir took me to Barnes and Nobles - my all time favourite bookstore.. mind you most bookstores are my favourite .. i love books. While we were there i found a book on health.. and in it there was a section on yoga. i used to do yoga.. it was....once upon a time.. one of my New Year's resolutions. So you know what happened to my yoga. This book had easier than easy yoga exercises.. yoga done on a stool. Yoga that didn't require tying yourself into impossible pretzel shapes that left one's joints aching for days. This held possiblities...
Today i was thinking about my treadmill.. and these yoga exercises.. and my new portable DVD player... and i had a revelation. Not a major one.. just one of those teeny tiny sparks of light. i thought to myself.. i could maybe possibly go home and put a DVD in the DVD player and climb aboard my treadmill and go for a little walk. OR maybe even pull out the yoga exercises and the stool and try them. i didn't promise myself anything... i didn't threaten myself.. i just thought about it.

When i got home i took down the outdoor lights and decorations and packed them away. i came upstairs and sat down here on blogger and thought about doing an entry. Then i thought about my treadmill and my Robin Williams DVD ( i LOVE Robin Williams!!) Then i got up and went and found Robin Williams and asked him if he would like to come and entertain me while i went for a little walk on day 1.



Twenty minutes of laughter and sweating. i turned off the machine and came back upstairs. Ok i thought to myself.. day 1... maybe tomorrow i will pull out the stool and try those yoga exercises for day 2... maybe........who knows.. but it is NOT a New Year's resolution or anything like that.. i don't DO New Year's resolutions.