Saturday, February 04, 2012

Thought provoking question.....

A would you differentiate between the 'newbies/wannabes' and serious practitioners, other than having no manners and/or behaving badly? I've looked at the Fetlife people in my area and wonder how some, so young... early 20's, can profess to be experienced Dom/Dommes? From what out on these blogs, it seems beginning BDSMers should have mentors or teachers to guide them as they gain experience. Hope I'm not stepping on toes... just curious.  

I thought the question above was valid and thought provoking......after all... if one is going to identify the problems and bitch about them - one should offer some plausible solutions as well.  I am firm believer in the old adage if you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem.

We have all been a newbie (maybe not a wannabe - which I tend to identify completely different) And as a newbie we are anxious to experience everything and anything immediately.  

Do newbies need mentors/teachers?? It would be nice yes........ BUT  the truth of the matter is how does one find a skilled practitioner to teach and mentor.  'cause ya know anyone ..... ANYONE ....... can say come be with me I will mentor you and they might be a total nutcase - a danger to everything Safe Sane and Consentual.  How can one know? Most of us do not hang out our "shingles"  for one and all to see.  In my experience some of the most experienced - most knowledgeable people are the quiet ones who slip in and out of public view like a ghost.

So what is a newbie to do??? 

Read......... read........... read.  

There are stacks of good books out there on all aspects of BDSM: 

*Screw the Roses Send me the Thorns
* SM 101 - A Realistic Introduction
* Jay Wiseman - Erotic Bondage Handbook
* Different Loving
* The Loving Dominant
* Flogging by Joseph W Bean
and my favourite cause I knew nothing at all about dominating a male.. 
* The Family Jewels

And then......... go to munches - vanilla gatherings meet people face to face..... use your instincts... befriend people who appear sane and appear to know what they are talking about... get to know what parties are around - go to a party to watch.... watch I said - NOT play.  Watch the different styles - watch the interaction between spanker and spankee - is it a good show to watch - or do you feel as though you are a peeping tom - watching something very intimate .. something very much about the two participants..... 
if you watch from a safe distance - you will be most welcome to watch - remember if they didn't want an audience - they wouldn't be playing in public.  BUT from a distance for god's sakes!!!

but also watch for little things like after care - what happens when the spankee is cut down - is he/she pretty much left to their own devices?? or does the spanker coddle them - sit with them - stroke them make sure they are ok..

Also it is my experience that the true BDSM aficionados do not gather newbies around them like some cult leader.  The real Dominants / submissives tend not to blow their own horn.  BUT they are very willing to answer intelligent questions after the fact.  They are very willing to show you their toys - to explain what each does - and how to use it.  They might even offer to share their email / contact information with you..... before they float out of sight into a puff of smoke.  

Now .......... IF I had money to throw away ............ I would open a semi private play room / dungeon if you prefer ........... and I would limit admittance.  I have given some very serious thought to how one would do that - pick the real players from the stand and models............. and then I realized I did just that for W's surprise party in January.  I went through a list of folks we know.. and invited the ones that I know play .........

So If I opened this fantasy club - I would invite the same people.  I would also insist that a newbie be "vetted" by someone I knew.  That a newbie be willing and anxious to participate in the learning process.  That the newbie be given the "rules" of the dungeon and if they did not toe the mark so to speak - they would be asked to leave immediately and would not be allowed to return.  

I would want to create a safe play environment for those that do want to play ..... I would have very separate areas for play and socializing - clearly marked.  Everyone would be given a concise list of "house rules" and they would be expected to abide by them.  If they didn't they wouldn't be invited back.  

I would have times set aside for pictures - usually before the start of the evening.  Because truthfully everyone at one time or another wants some photos taken - to post on a website - or for their own personal collection.  Cameras would then be stored away safely ........ and only released when the participant was going home.  

AND while I am going on about my fantasy club ....... I would have slaves/submissives who wish to participate but are new with no ties - come and serve........ dress to impress and serve under the "House protection" ........ They would offer feet massages - back massages - fetching drinks and filling glasses.  If they wanted to play - to try something new - the "House" would pair them up with someone so they could experience something.  

It would be a safe haven - that hopefully would promote friendship, respect, trust, and all that is good about this lifestyle.  Hell we might even have monthly "munches" pot luck dinners where folks could meet and discuss different topics - educating each other as well as the newbies in a non-threatening atmosphere.

Yeah ..... If I had money to throw away ...... I would have some fun !!!


  1. See, my issue with this is that age is not always an indicator of experience and knowledge.

    I'm in my early 20's, as it my owner. He started getting involved in the lifestyle when he was 16 and found a Domme willing to teach him. I started at 17 when I met a guy that was into it.

    I've read several books, and when I move in with my owner soon I plan to attend several classes. Where I live now is very small and doesn't offer these things.

    He's also read books, been trained and has played with many people. He makes his own toys so he knows how they're built, how strong they are and what they do. If I suggest something that I want to try he researches it, finds people that do it often and learns it before he ever tries it with me.

    There are some 40 and 50 year olds that I've met that don't do this. They pick up a paddle on their first day and begin beating somebody demanding to be called "Master."

    For me, it's experience not age. It's how somebody conducts themselves, how much respect they have for their sub and the possibility for potential disaster that they plan for and respect that makes them a Master in my eyes, makes them somebody I'd respect and play with.

  2. No matter what you do in life you start out as a "newbie/wannabe." Some don't get past the wannabe stage. Some hang in there until the achieve Master of Craft status.

    'Course the next step after Master is "used-to-be." Ain't nothing lasts forever.

  3. Serene - i don't think i have ever said that age has a bearing on knowledge or ability. You can be a newbie/wannabee at 20 or 70

  4. no argument from me Buffalo.. none whatsoever.

    Maybe I should have said that the question was posed to me in the comment section of a recent post.. and I was simply trying to answer it

  5. I know you haven't. It was just a response to "I've looked at the Fetlife people in my area and wonder how some, so young... early 20's, can profess to be experienced Dom/Dommes?"

    I agree with what you said completely. I've had "Doms" on fet tell me that I'm not submissive because I don't bow down to them the minute the grace me with their presence. It's all respect and learning. I don't think you ever stop learning in life, and in BDSM. Some people just don't see difference between a wannabe and what's real. I had a friend that had a dom come to her like that, and she submitted. She's still with him.. he refuses to admit they're together, has several other "slaves" internet based that he refuses to meet, he doesn't talk to her to work out issues. She brings something to him and his response is "Show me your boobs" That is not a dom. I've always thought that there should be classes for new subs to teach them the differences between a real dom and somebody just in it to get laid.

  6. It's not just those in their 20s. I'm finding some my age which is late 40s who are new but don't take the time to read or even get the important definitions correct. They want to assign themselves a label but not work toward it. They attend events just to play and show they can take pain but act so differently when away from those in the community. Its all an act.

    Can I use you question in a future blog?

  7. sensualfreak - of course you may use the question... technically it wasn't mine to start with (cheeky grin)


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