Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Buying the cow

As most of you have probably figured out - if you have been reading here for any length of time - I have more clichés and old adages to live by then most folks.  I was raised on those clichés and old adages !! (god bless my grandmother and mother!)

I remember when I was just starting to date....... and my mother figured she had better have the "mother/daughter talk" with me.  She started the whole thing off by saying "if he can get the milk from the cow - why would he buy the whole cow?"  Now to be honest - I didn't have a clue what she was talking about...... cows did not equal sex to me... it took some head scratching and a whole mess of other old adages and clichés for me to realize what she was really talking about.  She was gonna make sure I did not turn out to be a "slut".  (and for the record I didn't - being a virgin when I got married.  Now that is not always a good idea either.. but that is for another day and another post)

But recently I have been thinking about that old cow adage.... (and no that is not a reference to my age !!!  cheeky grin)

Since March last year - I have not been collared......... which makes me ... by my definition... a "bottom".

Now W and I may be back together - but NOT as Master/slave or Dom/sub ........... more as Top and bottom (and in the vanilla world we are boyfriend/girlfriend) No serious commitment on either side needed.

However I find myself falling into old habits.  On Saturday talking with someone at the play party - I referred to W as "my Sir"............ and then bit my tongue.  He is not "my Sir".  I need to remember that.  

Oh he plays with me at play parties - and we do vanilla things together...... BUT not "my Sir".  And for those of you curious - but afraid to ask - we have sorta / kinda decided to leave things as they are......... W being the Top and me being the bottom............ for now.  

Which brings me to the buying the cow adage............ and trust me it has nothing to do with sex.... but it does have a whole lot to do with withholding.  IF I give W everything a sub/slave gives why would he want to have me as his collared sub???!!  Why indeed would any dominant want to have a girl who gives everything over immediately, without working for it............. and by working I mean - talking about the parameters of the relationship...... the needs/expectations/requirements/desires and a whole multitude of other stuff that SHOULD be hammered out before the collar is placed around her neck??

I don't believe it should be a casual thing........ the rights and responsibilities of both Dom and sub.  I believe they should be worked on... earned. (and maintained for the life of the relationship)

I have always preached the submissives are not...and should not be.........doormats.  Over the years of living in this BDSM community - I have come to equate the duties/roles of a submissive as being "the milk from that damn cow"..... I don't wish to be seen as "easy".  (cause trust me I am not.......... not in any definition of the word!!)

I believe that just cause you are a dominant - it does not give you the right to hold the reigns (so to speak) on a submissive............ Some commitment is necessary.  And in the BDSM community commitment comes in the form of a collar.  

Now I have discussed this many times before............ there are different collars a submissive can/may wear.... 
There is the training collar
There is the collar of consideration
And there is THE collar.

Until THE  collar is on........ I believe the submissive is still partially free.  (radical thinking in this community of protocols and rituals and stagnant beliefs).  

You want the whole cow (the pleasures of having a submissive - in all it's forms) then buy the whole cow!  Until then................. the submissive should be free to do more or less as she pleases when he is not Topping her.

Just more of my radical thinking .......... (that gets me into soooo much trouble)


  1. This is a discussion I have had with Master. One of my sub friends claims I am not "fully" His submissive since I am not collared. His reply...I am more submissive than most who wear collars. At first i was disappointed, but since we don't go to play parties, I now really don't see the need.

    I get your point, but, a collar does not make a submissive.


  2. abby - i didn't say i wasn't submissive.. what i was trying to say was........ no one owns me - therefore no one has the right to all the privileges/rights of having an owned slave

  3. I understand where you're coming from, even makes sense. For me though, it's only partially true.

    For Cael and I, the collar is a commitment. A big one. We've known each other 5 years, and I've been his submissive for around 1. (It was a gradual thing I didn't notice at first so neither of us can say for sure how long.) He says that when he does collar me he wants us both to be on the same page of what it means, which will be explained when I've earned it. Until then a play collar/training collar will be used. Only when we play.

    I want my permanent collar, but I know it's a huge step and a huge commitment. But for us it wont change a lot of things. I am owned with or without it and have been for a long time. We've known each other long enough and dug into each others heads deep enough that I am owned, enslaved. It's almost a form of internal enslavement for us(we never seem to fit cleanly into the definitions). Being any other way doesn't make sense to me anymore, I couldn't see it. I'm never free, even when he's not actively dominating me.

    I screwed up a while back in a huge way. We've restarted, building that trust back. He's holding back on the dominance, I currently have no rules. Yet? I still live the way he wants. Not even intentionally a lot of the time. My food choices, the people I spend my time with,I dyed my hair a while ago and I asked if I could do it again and was told it was up to me. I haven't done it because it's not permission, it's him holding back.

    I totally understand your view point. It just doesn't work for me. I'm too far gone, too far into this. If we were just starting into this, I could probably happily live that way. I already seem to have a metaphoric collar that is as strong as the steel one I hope to some day wear.

  4. Not all owned subs/slaves wear a collar. I know when Daddy formally collared me ( I had a consideration collar before that ) I was over the moon happy, but some D/s M/s couples just don't believe they need a collar as a sign of ownership, to each his own.
    That being said, I do agree that there should be some type of commitment before a Top can expect total obedience from a bottom. Until that commitment is there the bottom is unowned and therefore still able to make her own decisions about who she plays with and what she is willing to submit to.


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