on monsters under the bed..

When i was little there were monsters under my bed......... and every night my dad would tuck me into bed .. and i do mean TUCK!! all the covers .. all the way round the bed would be tucked in tight .. so tight that i could barely move......... He understood about the monsters under the bed.... and my fear that if even one lil toe escaped over the edge of the bed then "they" would chomp it off....... the bathroom light was left on..and i even had a night light .......... BUT i knew! better than any grownups that the monsters hid in the shadows..... they were clever monsters and they were patient monsters.... they knew how to hide and wait..

My parents were worried about me.. about my monsters under the bed.. they even went so far as to get sedatives for their then 4 year old daughter. i remember the talk in the family about how i was very high strung.. and how i needed to be sedated.... i knew i just needed to be still during the night.. to stay on the top of the bed.. securely tucked in.. safe and sound......... and i knew i had to find a champion.. someone who would stay with me in the bed and keep me safe....

One summer on our annual vacation to York Maine (i guess i was about 8 years old at the time ) i saw a stuffed monkey in a store window........ not your usual skinny silly looking monkey holding a banana.. no this one was a good size.. with blue overalls and a red shirt.. and i knew i had found my "champion" ... BUT my parents poo-pooed the necessity for a stuffed mangy monkey.......... i was heart broken......... all winter long i saved my allowance... my piggy bank virtually bulged at the seams by the time summer rolled around again and the annual trip to York was planned. i was gonna buy this "champion" myself !!! and i can hear many of you thinking .. but the monkey was gone........ no you are wrong.. the monkey was still there .. in the same store window.. like he was waiting for me... and this time my parents couldn't say no.......... i bought that monkey and he became my champion! i don't even remember if i named him.. i must have cause i named all my dolls and stuffed animals.. i only remember that he was my champion.. and from the day he climbed into bed with me there were no more monsters haunting my room.

The night before i got married .. many years later.. my mother dragged this monkey out of my bedroom and made some silly speech about how battered and chewed and mangy he looked.. and how she hoped that after some 10+ years my husband to be wouldn't look like this... everyone laughed.. i didn't get the joke....... my parents could NOT believe that the monkey was packed into a box and moved to my new home.. my married home......... but he went.. oh he didn't move into my bed....... but he was with me...... and many years after that i went and found him hidden away in a box in the basement and tried to give him to my baby daughter...... who screamed in terror at my "champion"...

Sometime later... in a major clean up .. i packed my champion away for the last time and sent him off to the garbage.... i was all grown up right?? i didn't need a champion anymore to keep the monsters away....... but i will admit i shed a tear or two.. Fast forward to a year ago.. Valentine's day...... and my Sir arrived with flowers and holding the flowers was the cutiest teddy you ever did see... i immediately named him "cuffs" and he immediately moved into my bed. i don't need a "champion" anymore.. i have my Sir and cuffs.. and a nice BIG double bed .. during the week when Sir isn't with me i sleep dead center ...... safe from lil toes slipping over the edge........... cause ya just never know what might be waiting in the shadows.........

(thanks to kaya for the inspiration for this blog)

a mute subbie

For losing my cool and snapping rudily at Sir on Saturday.. the punishment i chose was one of silence. Now for those of you who may not have figured this out yet.. i am a rather chatty subbie...... which is often what lands me in hot water.. my chattiness... silence to reflect on my quick tongue and rudiness seemed an appropriate punishment......

It was really amazing to me what things i worked through in my head.........

* Christmas is NOT supposed to cause me stress... and lights that don't light on one side are hardly worthy of a nod and a wink .. never mind a full blown temper tantrum
* Christmas is NOT my Sir's responsibility .. not His joy.. it is a holiday / tradition that i chose to continue! and so it is with lights that won't light on one side.. my responsibility.
* Sometimes real life moves in and stays for a while... be it "men's health issues" or work related stresses.. or money problems or car problems .. speed bumps in the road of life is what they are.. and how they should be approached....
* Our reality can NOT be the reality that others have.. no matter how hard i wish they could be.. no matter how much i want them to be... i can NOT be the "cunt in the box" while i must work 5 out of 7 days.. and be absent from my Sir.
* i AM a very lucky sub in that i have a Sir who cares for me and cares about me and to dishonour Him with a nasty lil temper tantrum is just WRONG
* that there are areas that perhaps need some work - in our relationship - such as my deep abiding need to be the "cunt in the box" or at the very least feel well used and abused
* that i must get past this fear i have of our relationship turning too vanilla....too comfortable.. too old and boring and my fear that Sir will become bored with me.....

And then when all this began to sink in .. i started to wonder why Sir hadn't taken me in His arms and whispered the words i so dearly needed to hear "you are forgiven"........ as the hours marched along.. i became almost sick to my stomach worrying about this... was Sir EVER going to forgive me??? i didn't notice that only shortly after the initial temper tantrum that Sir ordered me into my clothes and took me out to purchase lights that light on both sides..... that on Sunday afternoon again the order to dress myself and Sir took me out to purchase more of my beloved needles...and when we returned home because we could not get the exact same size of needles Sir decided a little needle play was in order - to see if there was a difference for better or worse....... and only after that did i ask for permission to read my emails..... and there... waiting for me...was an email from Sir .. saying.. all was forgiven on Saturday and why hadn't i noticed?? and i knew i had noticed all the little things.. but i was waiting to hear the words ... hear Him speak them..needed to feel His arms around me while the words were whispered in my ear........ i needed to know all was forgiven.. and i could return to my rightful place kneeling at Sir's feet......................... and yeah.. chatting His ear off......

And then today .. when i returned from work to find my usual email task list... and attached to the list were the pictures Sir had taken of the needle work from Sunday.. and as i opened the first picture tears came to my eyes........ for Sir had used the needles to send me a message......... and if YOU look close you too might see the "message" in the pattern of needles.........

Transference

i am guilty of transference........ the act of transferring something from one place to another..... it sometimes amazes me how easily that can happen...... a word.. a look.. and something that happened so long ago, forgotten about till now, can rear its ugly head and make monsters reappear.

Christmas... when i was little... was a time of family .. of sharing.. of laughter.. when time was the most precious gift you could give or receive.. where i learned to make the world's best shortbread sitting on a high stool in my grandmother's kitchen kneading dough for what felt like hours while hearing stories of long gone family members.. where Christmas did NOT always come from a store nor did the meal.. but it always came from the heart ........ from love.......

i thought everyone had Christmas like this.. a Norman Rockwell Christmas... but i grew up and got married and discovered that there were Grinches out there.. and i had married one............ didn't matter!! Christmas would come.. and it would come with bells and music and laughter, and all the good things that make Christmas Christmas !!!! i would fill the house with the smells of Christmas.. with the laughter of Christmas.. with the lights of Christmas.. with the family ......... and i did..virtually by myself.. every year .. for 20+ years ..

At the end of each November some instinct inside me drives me to drag out the boxes.. to string up lights.. to lovingly place well honoured decorations around the house... to cook and create the delightful smells that honoured my childhood.. and i hope my girls childhood....and that is what i was starting to do yesterday... when the lights wouldn't light on one side .. and the Grinch lifted his head and spoke........ and the joy of my day went up the chimney like a puff a smoke.. and tranference happened... this wasn't my Sir speaking .. this was all the Grinches from all the Christmases past that spoke......... and i answered back and was rude.. and nasty ..

and i have been told to find a punishment that fits the crime.. and i said i will not speak again...until You tell me it is over.......... and so transference has left me in silence..........and somewhere the joy of Christmas has been lost...... because i dishonoured my Sir... and all that i learnt as a child about the joy of Christmas..

good morning sunshine...

did you ever wake up and just feel like shouting to the mountain tops "GOOD MORNING!!!" ?? that is how i woke up this morning..... with good morning starshine playing in my head (for those of you too young to know what i am talking about it .. "good morning starshine" was sung by the group better known as the Strawberry Alarm Clock) and hearing Robin Williams bellowing "GOOOOOOOOOOOOD morning Vietnam"over the top of the lyrics... (it can get just a tad noisy in my head some mornings)

Why - you might ask - am i just so cheerful this morning?? i had a GREAT day yesterday.. first off i didn't kill anyone - kids or staff - at work... AND i even managed to sneak off a little early......... AND then Sir took me out for dinner...... wow i didn't have to cook !!! Have i ever told you how much i HATE to cook on Friday nights??? AND then Sir took me to see a movie - Derailed ...... do you have any idea how long it has been since Sir and i saw a movie in an actual movie theater??!!! Well i will tell you .. the last movie we saw was Calendar girls.. and it was an afternoon matinee........ not at all the same as seeing a movie in the evening............

i was feeling very spoiled and pampered by the time we got home...... and it was still early !!! Still time - my warped lil subbie brain calculated - for some quality play time. (sound of brakes screeching to a halt) Sir turned the TV on and settled down to watch some kinky Friday night shows......... and i curled up on the pillow at His feet....... only now my brain was going sulk sulk sulk .. pout pout pout. (god i can be a selfish lil subbie some times!!) By 11:00 p.m. with no sign of a play time i humbly (sulkily) requested permission to go to bed......... Sir absently nodded his head and waved a finger in the direction of the stairs.......... i sighed (loudly) as i ascended the stairs to get ready for bed...

My getting ready for bed is a bit more involved than most .. i have to move the chamber pot beside the bed.... locate the chain and ankle cuff... and turn off the alarm (there have been a few fridays i have forgotten the alarm and trust me when i say Sir has NOT been impressed with the alarm going off in His ear at 5:15 am ) then strip naked and inform Sir i am now ready ..............

Sir came up stairs after all the banging around of bedtime preparations.. and on His way into the bedroom stopped at the door and removed a leather strap from one of the hooks behind the door ...... before i really knew what was happening.. i was over on my belly with my ass getting the hardest strapping imaginable.... no warm up.. no sexy caresses.. just wham bang thank you ma'am strapping !!!! i was wiggling and screeching at Sir to stop .. that it hurt (DUH!!!) wiggle wiggle squirm squirm .. and drip drip...... oh god it felt so good !!! It could only have improved if Sir had decided to "take me" right then and there with my ass burning .... but that would be asking too much right??!! topping from the bottom so to speak right??!!! Sooooooooo Sir cuffed me to the bed and went back downstairs to His kinky shows and i snuggled down under the blankets with a nice hot ass.. a nice glowing ass... as sleep closed my eyes..................

And this morning.............. i am singing......
Good morning starshine
you lead us along
My love and me as we sing
Our early morning singing song
Gliddy glub gloopy nibby nabby noopy
La la la lo lo
Sabba sibby sabba nooby abba nabba
Le le lo lo
Tooby ooby walla nooby abba naba
Early morning singing song

Confession.....

i have a confession ........ i am a blog-aholic......... i really am....besides writing a blog/journal nearly every day... i read on average 10 blogs a day...... and i read them in the order they are bookmarked.... and i have them catagorized .. the first set is "frequently read blogs" then comes "rarely updated blogs" then "infrequent blogs" and finally "vanilla blogs". Now i have NO idea how i came about naming the catagories of the blogs i read - well except for the obvious "vanilla blogs"....... but it made perfect sense to me when i originally set it up. And almost every day i pop into each site and check out what is happening........... and it isn't just a sneak attack - read and leave .. no no.. i often leave a little comment. (because i love receiving comments!!)

Originally i only bookmarked BDSM blogs written by submissives/slaves who actually sounded like they LIVED the lifestyle....... then slowly over time i have added more blogs that are written by the curious .. the professional (Dom not writer).. and even a few fantasy sites. i have had the pleasure of meeting one of the submissives i read regularily up here in the Great White North at the Midori Workshop.....domdra9on’s dungeon
My list of blogs is quite long .. and i have never updated the link list on here.. a task that IS on my "to do" list.. soon i promise !!!

And then .. one day.. i had a comment from "The Michael"... and i rather liked what He had to say........ out of curiousity i went and found his blog.....Madness Musings and Melancholy. i read bits and pieces of his blog and went WOW.. this man can write!!! Ya see in my humble opinion most men can't write... well not write and hold my attention. i discovered that The Michael had a sense of humour that usually came through in his writings.. and more times than not he made me laugh. And so a new catagory was added to my list.. "vanilla blogs".... and it comes at the end of a rather long reading list........ it is something like saving the "best for last".. because Michael views the world in a unique way..... and sometimes we all need to look at the world differently.

It was in the Madness Musings and Melancholy blog that i came to realize that our American friends are celebrating Thanksgiving this weekend..... and i realized with just a touch of sadness that blogs probably won't be updated too frequently for the next few days.. and my god my reading time will be cut drastically.. and ohhhhhhh my god.. i might actually get some tasks completed around here.. like Xmas cards made.... and Xmas lights put up.. and maybe even some decorations put out .... and oh yeah....... i might just get the list of blogs i read updated on here..........

And so dear friends - south of the border - enjoy your Thanksgiving....... and know i will be waiting for you all to return to your blogs .............

What is blue?

Once upon a time i worked at the local school for the blind. One day while i had my group outside, one of the children asked me "what colour is the sky?" i answered simply "blue". The child stood for a long time looking skyward with a puzzled look on his face. Finally he asked "what is blue?"

Indeed what IS blue?? How does one explain what another cannot see or comprehend???

When asked why i am a masochist i have no answer. Many assume that i was an abused child....... i wasn't. And i was quite young when i realized i had this strange relationship with pain. It frightened me while at the same time attracted me. When i was in my early 20's i was drawn to anything written that had an element of pain in it.... spanking stories.. Victorian spanking stories. i used to go into our local chain bookstore .. and right at the entrance under A were all the books written by "Anonymous". God bless Anonymous!!! i would hide the books from family and friends and read them over and over again... feeling my knees go weak and my heart pound and my juices flow........ i also found the Story of O about the same time.. (god only knows how as i rarely ventured past the A's .. cheeky grin)........ and wished with all my heart that such a lifestyle could really exist.

Obviously i discovered that such a lifestyle existed .. and obviously i am quite happy and contented in it. i have been lucky enough to live almost every fantasy i ever had as a teen/young adult. Even the piercing from the Story of O became my reality........ the seeds were planted once upon a time.. and from those seeds grew my reality........

BUT to try and explain the WHY of it all... well it just takes me back to the original question........ "what is blue?"

People

i wanted to write about people........ all shapes and sizes and flavours and ages.. that "broke bread together" on Sunday evening.......... all under the banner of the "computer group".. BUT really we shared much more than computers ........ we share a lifestyle...(well most of us do)

There was a group of young people all together at one end of the table (good planning??) and it was wonderful to hear them laughing and see them chatting.. i felt like the "old one" (a chaperone maybe??) when i wandered down to their end of the table to visit for a bit..... they didn't need me.. they were enjoying each other's company just fine....... how wonderful it was to see new "blood" coming out to our events...... to hear them planning to attend future events at the local club...........

At the opposite end of the table were a mix of old and new attendees.... mixing .. chatting sharing philosophies .... i joined a discussion about piercings .. and shared laughs and stories......... we should have had a "who travelled the farthest to attend" contest.. it was amazing how far some had come to share a meal with us.......

i got into a discussion /information sharing with a newcomer from out of town....... He was picking my brain about how the group worked here........... He was used to a tiered community........ i was explaining how our community is more divided into separate groups rather than tiered .. divided by language and by philosophy and by politics and how it made me sad.......how nice it would be if we all could be one large group supporting each other's quest/journey.......... but that just isn't how it is here... and as i explained to him it was a large part of why Sir and i have turned more private in our lifestyle...

And i can not forget the woman who cried in the bathroom.. i wrapped my arms around her and let her cry... there were no words to offer....... no wisdom to make things right....... her hubbie - a newbie - was looking for .. well .. for kinky sex i guess... and she was hurt and torn apart by his decision that she was no longer good enough... their marriage vows were no longer good enough........ how could i help this woman who saw me as part she-devil..see that there is much beauty in this lifestyle.. and that NO we are not all looking for kinky sex.. some of us actually have higher goals than that......

And then of course there was her hubbie.......... full of opinions and quick comments.. who made me squirm even before i sat with his wife....... i wish someone would explain to him about "safe sane and consentual" and how that impacts not only those in the lifestyle but also their vanilla partners........ he even had the audicity to push for an invite to the condo for one of O/our private parties........ oh my how disappointed he will be when he discovers that Sir and i are NOT swingers.. and there is no sex offered here.. no hot sweaty sticky bodies rolling around under chains and crosses and spanking benches in our "play room"..

And of course there were all our "old" friends....... come to break bread and enjoy the company of like minded folks... all of it.. every bit of the evening .. made me feel warm and fuzzy and right about this choice i have made.... Some months it is damn difficult to pull myself out of the safety and warmth of kneeling at Sir's feet to attend these munches we organise.......... other times .. like this one.. it just felt right... so many different varieties.. all sharing a meal.. laughter and stimulating conversation...........

The Struggle

This week i read kaya's blog about isolation... i sat back and read it more than once.. i had been taught to avoid Masters who kept their submissives isolated..BUT there was something nagging at me.... there is a whole lot of logic to that theory too..... i wrote to Sir (in my private journal) that when i come home on fridays.... i am no longer administrator.. no longer vanilla, but not yet submissive either.. i feel quite often like a non-entity... nothing.. i am nothing.. i need to be filled up with Sir's strength and command... and sometimes life plays cruel tricks .. and i am left empty and feeling lost..and struggling..

This was one of those "struggle weekends" ... Sir wrote in His blog about my "attitude attacks"... The reality is just that.. some weeks.. i struggle to find my way back to my knees... some weeks i need.. crave.. and fight for Sir to shorten my leash and force me back to my knees.....for some that makes me a BAD submisive/slave.. for others it makes me a S.A.M. .. for still others.. perhaps the more enlightened ones.. it makes me "normal"... which ever.. whatever.. the reality was this was one of those crazy weekends......... and i did indeed have an "attitude attack".. and for anyone interested.. i absolutely HATE myself when i am in that mood ...........

Last evening Sir ordered the cuffs put back on.. ankles / wrists... they fasten with padlocks and tend to be heavy and clunky ... they do indeed "tap tap" my psyche.... then Sir took me downstairs to the "play room"... i didn't want to go.. i really didn't........ and i assumed Sir didn't want to go either... (yeah yeah i know all about "assume"!!! and what it makes one).......

He chained me to the ceiling and started to go to work on my ass... i felt separated from Him.. i really did.. i felt pouty and belligerent and mean spirited.. AND i kept asking myself "what is wrong with YOU??!!" i was mentally stamping my foot and mentally yelling at Sir "not THAT toy".. "ouch that one hurts too much" .. "stop M*&*&#$*@! " (kaya's suggested safe word - yeah yeah blame kaya.. ) .... i hopped from one foot to the other.. i moved forward out of reach of the swing.. and then just as quickly moved back so again the swing missed the mark......... i refused to open my legs .. ohhhhhhhh i was just a bad sub.. a very bad sub !!!!

Sir got frustrated.. exasperated.. angry?? and He took my arms down from the chains........ phewww i breathed a sigh of relief .. Sir had seen the light.. no play !! BUT Sir was not finished... not even close.. He then proceeded to fasten my wrists to my ankles.. i panicked.. "i will fall " i cried.. "you will NOT fall " Sir answered as He began to wind rope around my middle and pull it up to the hooks in the ceiling.. "i won't be able to fly " i whined.. "who said I wanted you to fly??" Sir replied... And then He started all over again.. fast and hard .. unrelenting.. the muscles in my thighs were cramping.. (charlie horse type cramps) .. the ropes around me offered me no safety net.. i cried and i cried out! Sir stopped and released my wrists and i stood upright.. the look on His face made me cry ...

He pulled me roughly to the cross fastening me tightly .. picking up the whip and going to work on me faster and harder... i was sobbing.. He came over to me and i cried out " You are angry with me" and He answered "I am NOT angry" and again the whip cut through the air and found its mark on my ass... i was sobbing.. tears and snot running down my face (not exactly a pretty picture) and Sir said " I will NOT stop!" and the pain continued.. and i felt the sting of a thousand bees and knew He was using the silver handled flogger that bites into my very being.......... and on and on He went.. toy after toy .. and the tears flowed .... and then .. then there was nothing.. i was suddenly wrapped in my Sir's arms held tight.. feeling safe and loved and right with the world again.....

There had been no fairies .. no rainbows.. just a total giving over of control...... a total surrender....... and a warmth that glowed from within.............and when Sir came to bed around 1:00 am He pushed my legs apart and TOOK what is His.. and it felt right and good .. even sleeping in the wet spot !!!

This blog is not a fantasy .. it IS our journey through the pitfalls and the joys of a D/s relationship..... with everything life throws at us.. from aging joints and rusty bones.. and menopausal moods and tempers and "male problems"... this is just who we are..

tap tapping.....

"someone came knocking at my wee small door .... some came knocking i am sure sure sure..........only the busy beetle tap tapping in the wall......... "
Why is it at the oddest moments bits of poetry taught to me by one or both grandmothers float round and round in my head........ How can i stay focused on the job at hand with all these rhyming words??
Such was my plight last evening.. lying on my pillow at Sir's feet .. ass in the air ... the long handled riding crop going tap tap tap against my ass... my thighs.. my soft sensitive bits and i all i can hear is "someone came knocking at my wee small door"........ now it may be because the crop was making this rather nice tap tapping sound... it may be that in my altered state of mind i heard the fairies knocking to come in.. who knows??!!!

But i am going to back up a little bit.. to the beginning........ when Sir and i returned from the shops He put my cuffs on me.. ankles wrists....... small little taps to my psyche.... then later in the evening He ordered me to go and bring Him one toy off the wall - now that in itself was a challenge as He knew i had not yet unpacked the toys from last weekend (bad bad subbie !!!) my choice was limited (tap tapping)..... soooooooo i picked the long handled crop....... being long handled it challenges Sir a wee bit.. as well as making it a little more difficult to do any serious damage to my lil ass........

i was splayed on the pillow ...naked ass in the air..... tolerating the tap tapping of the crop....... i was teased with it... and turned with it and completely stripped with it.. the tap tapping continued on nipples and clit jewelry .. then rolling me back over back to tap tapping on my ass and inner thighs...........

The clock was tap tapping and i was growing so tired... i asked for permission to go to bed.. Sir had me stand in front of Him.. and He joined the wrist cuffs together with His thumb cuffs...... locking them securely.. ughhhhhhhh.. no freedom of arm movement (tap tapping).... then i was chained (as normal when Sir is with me ) to the bed... and i drifted off to sleep....

This morning i could still feel the tap tapping in my brain...... i couldn't pull a sweater on .. i walked naked through the house.. feeding the animals.. making coffee and juice and toast.. small tap tappings.... life is slowed to a crawl when freedom of movement is restricted - even writing my daily private journal to Sir was a lesson in tap tapping... no smooth flowing fingers over the keys.. more a tap tap tap .. letters coming out ...... making words.. slow motion style.........

yes someone did indeed come knocking at my wee small door .... and it was more than a beetle tap tapping in the wall...........

health check

i was scheduled for a "health check" today........ and of course i awoke with a good set of nerves........ where better to calm them than on the net.. writing a blog.. reading some blogs..and losing myself for a little while........

A trip to the coffee machine proved hazardous to my mental well being........... when i came back .. cup in hand.. there was this ugly red screen open on my pc .. announcing that i had a virus !!! ME!? 'miss caution'.. 'miss won't open any attachment caution'.. 'miss won't d/l any games or music or videos caution'.. and still despite all of it.. despite firewalls and adware and virus protection.. i got it.. a VIRUS!!!!

i did everything right.. worked for just over 2 1/2 hours carefully surgically working on my pc .. and still it was there.. IT .. the virus.......... curses !!! i tried to find the phone number.. an email address.. some sort of contact information for the Virus Protection Company - who shall remain nameless.. all to no avail......... finally i picked up the phone and called their head office.. only to be forced to listen to recording after recording.. doesn't ANYONE answer their phones anymore???!!! i left a very unsubbie .. unlady like message .. and packed it in... time to head off to the health check that had been scheduled for the day.......

Sitting in the examining room........ my heart was pounding... every attempt at calming myself down didn't work.. deep breathing.. meditating.. nothing worked.. all i could see in my mind's eye was the ugly red message screen......... was it some sort of premonition of things to come here??? ughhhhhhh i hate health checks....

Back in the doctor's office.... listening to Dr O tsk tsk her way through writing up the report... i explained my day.. my week.. my month at work.... and my impending breakdown waiting for the news on the blood work ........... why oh why do doctors act like results are some sort of state secret???!!! Dr O looked up surprised at my sudden outburst... BP was a bit high.. but considering my state of mind she wasn't particularily worried.. as for the blood work......... (flip flip went the chart) i am healthy.... better than healthy.. perfect !!! i could have danced a jig on her desk !!!!

By 2pm the deadline i left the Virus company they had phoned too.. they didn't have good news.. but it wasn't fatal news either (at least not yet).... i have a rather ugly virus.. they needed information off my pc as this virus mutates from pc to pc..... buries itself in different files .. different directories.. different registeries... i am to call back in 48 hours .. hopefully by then they will have adapted the program to fix my lil pc........ the good news they told me was that at least i could still use my pc.. could still access the internet... most struck with this virus couldn't......

Now .. being a bit anal.. and more than a little cross this 'miss caution' asked WHERE did it come from??!!! and i was told the last thing you d/led from the net before the red screen ... i don't d/l was my answer.... i don't !!! Then i stopped.... i had gone looking this morning .. just before my coffee trip .. for the Leatherman's Flag..... i had d/led it .... and it had given me a virus ...............

When it comes right down to it....... a little virus on my pc is hardly worth all the worry and stress.... "my" health is good damn good.. a little tweaking of my meds and all is right with the world............ red screens be damned.. this was .. all in all .. an EXCELLENT day !!!!

On casual meetings

i met a Master last weekend at the Leather Fest who impressed me. This is not always an easy feat....... i am not usually drawn to strangers ..men in particular.
AND i met this Master by accident.......i went into the seminar i thought was on Hot Waxing to discover the Poly Seminar was still going on..... The leader encouraged us to come in and sit.......... my embarasement on bursting in caused me to dive for the nearest set of chairs and try to disappear into the wood work..... it took a while for me to glance around the room... to investigate the group i had disrupted ........ sitting just in back of me was this man...... at his feet sat a "puppy" - all clad in leather from head to toe ... with a dog leash held loosely in his hand.... on one side of this Man sat a very proud looking leather boy.... and i realized after some time that there was one other leather chap standing just behind. It did not take me very long to discover they were all collared to this one Man........ (they all had chain collars with padlocks proudly bearing the same engraving)........
i felt my hackles go up.......... i have written before about my thoughts on stables.. the good the bad and the ugly.......... As the Poly seminar ended and the hot wax one began.. this group of men stayed... and i found myself watching them closer.... They all had valuable experiences to offer to the discussion... each of them spoke with assurance... each of them radiated a confidence .. a sense of who they were. i was drawn this group of men...... to what i was fast coming to see was a "working" stable.

Later in the day Sir and i met up with this Master, and i was allowed to chat with Him for some time.. He impressed me.. He answered my probing questions honestly and openly.. He gave me permission to speak with His slaves during the day.. to pick their brains so to speak... He had nothing to hide.. He had a working stable and it worked !!! He told me that all totalled He had 14 subs/slaves. i really did have trouble getting my mind around 14 !!!! The stables i have seen couldn't work with only 2 or 3 .... Yet this man was able to make it work with 14!!!

He was very open in answering my questions.. i wanted to know about jealousy.. and how He handled it.. i wanted to compare my experiences .. my knowledge (limited as it is) of stables with the reality of His stable... i wanted to see what the differences were.....

i was impressed.. with this quiet giant of a Man with a self assurance that radiated from Him... i was impressed with the quiet strength i felt from His slaves/subs... they were most definitely centered.. knew who they were and were proud of it .........

The next morning as we were leaving to head home... i saw these men quietly sitting around a breakfast table at the hotel.... talking and sharing.. and genuinely looking contented and happy.........

That casual meeting left me feeling warm and fuzzy inside...... it opened my eyes to the fact that not all stables are bad.. and that strangers (even male ones) can be open and friendly and engaging...

i say "BRAVO" to Master Ian and His stable.. may your days be long and filled with much happiness...

twzhgik

i was trying to leave a comment on my own bloody blog the other day and screwed up the letter code...... tried again and still managed to bugger it up..... at that point i thought to myself "this is for the birds!!!" and i very nearly removed the coding permission thingy from my blog.

Then i remembered how many adverts i had received - the whole reason i put the ding dang thing up in the first place........ and i asked myself "did i really want the hassle of adverts in my comment section AND in my email??" simple answer NO.

so i apology to everyone who is typing challenged.. or finds the mixed up lettering confusing and a pain in the ass. It is such a pity that folks don't play fair.. don't play by the rules....... know what i mean??? free advertising ugh.. cheap skates!!! Just leave us simple lil bloggers alone.. go harass someone else........

Which made me remember a time some fools got hold of my Sir's blog.. and flooded his comment section with rude abusive language.. who stole pictures and blog information and posted it on another completely different blog (for the life of me i can't remember the blog or their names - which IS a blessing actually) i do remember being so hurt and upset by the rude things they wrote about Sir and me. It tended to make me rethink and rethink again my posts.. trying hard not to be too graphic.. not to be too blunt..... not to give them any information to work with........ It was hard to let go of it all........ i wrote to blogspot and they were really nice about it......... and lo and behold things seem to have been fixed... thank you blogspot folks!!!

For every fool out there in blog land .. there are wonderful folks who do make me grin.. chuckle and laugh out loud.. some make me go "ummmmmmm" and do some serious thinking.. others make me scratch my head......... i started this blog to ease the frustrated writer inside of me....... i won't stop now... i will just have to learn to type the silly mixed up letters when i leave comments on my site and others........... twzhgik and to all a good night !!!!

WOW!

What an amazing weekend !!!! We had a blast at the Leather/ Fet fair........ and yes.. yes.. i bought a new toy....... i am such a toy slut sighhhhhhhh.. BUT then Sir bought a new one too.... so maybe we are both toy sluts???? i promised Sir i wouldn't say too much about the fair or weekend or new toys... so that He has something to write about........but i HAD to show my new favourite toy....

and of course when we all went to Breathless on Saturday evening both Sir's new toy and mine came along for a test run !!!

Breathless was amazing !!! We were lucky enough to be invited to a "pre party - private get together" which went a long way to get me ”back on the horse”

Sir put my hood on me almost immediately. Now despite my being this cute lil subbie, as i stated in a previous blog.. i HATE leather!!! and yeah yeah i know "Michael" !!!! it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense !!! but i do!!! As the hood is made of leather it has this distinct leather smell which turns a lot of folks on.. but tends to make me screw up my nose and go "ewwwwwww"... Besides the smell, the hood tends to work a bit like blinders on a horse.. i loose my peripherial vision. Therefore once on, i can only see that which is directly in front of me... AND it tends to cut down on noise levels. The hood goes on.. my world shrinks down to this minute pinpoint of sight and sound, and my whole being becomes very focused on Sir and what He is doing to me. Very quickly the rainbow path opened up in front of me.. and the fairies were calling my name...........

But through the pea soup fog these cool hands stroked my ass and back........ sensations changed from sharp/biting/stinging/ thudding to cool caresses and mysterious raspy softness dragging against my skin.... another sub was sobbing and screaming and Sir leaned in to whisper in my ear that she was only being tickled - good thing He told me cause even through the dancing and singing and rainbow colours it sounded distinctly like someone was being killed... sighhhhhhhhhhhh... and my poor garbled brain was trying desperately to sort out the sensations of coolness and raspiness and i was feeling just a tad overloaded........

As the clock chimed 9 Sir took me off the cross and lead me to the chill out couch wrapped in my black velvet cape... i snuggled down and watched some of the tickling scene as the doors of the club opened and folks starting pouring in.......... it was fun to watch all the "get ups" that arrived...... ohhhhhhhh trust me when i say .. "all was right with the world"!!!

Some time later Sir leaned over to me and asked if i was ready to try a little hot wax scene... ohhhhhhh lordie.. sometimes my enthusiasm makes me blush.... i almost jumped onto the Bondage table............hot wax patterns were created up and down my body.......... and then the lil black flogger was used with no pity on my inner thighs.. breasts and soft tender bits... in an attempt (i think) to remove the wax, as the knife had been left at home. i was so bloody relaxed - eyes closed just drifting on the sea of enjoyment - when i felt sharp nails - there is no feeling quite like sharp nails being dragged across one's breasts and stomach!!! My eyes popped open to see our friend Lisa grinning down at me while She joyfully scratched off much of the hardened wax!!!

There was one mystery left to solve before departing for our warm bed in the hotel just down the street....... and i went up to Miss Jenn (proud owner of Breathless) and i pouted and whined that while She appears to have so much fun playing with many subs..... She has never not once played with me!! (ohhhhhhh i pout sooooo nicely).. Miss Jenn burst out laughing as did Sir .. Cloud and Lisa.. and i was informed that the nice cool hands and raspy feelings from the early adventure on the cross had been none other than Miss Jenn..

i slept the sleep of a well used .. well satisfied spoiled lil subbie..........

But it wasn't over !!! not quite yet.... As fate would have it.. our friend Lisa disappeared for a bit early this morning - to visit with some friends... leaving Cloud and Sir with time on Their hands. Idle hands are the devil's play things right??? (rolling eyes) Therefore cute lil subbie was laid out on the sofa in the room... Sir stood at the end of the sofa (where my feet were) holding the nasty lil black flogger. Cloud stood off to one side holding my new toy. Cloud took a couple of trial swings on my naked ass...... i was absolutely purring !!! The strokes landed dead on.. and softly.. feeling very much like a nice massage....... BUT the next couple landed as dead on.. but with one heck of alot more UMPH to them... my head shot up and i shrieked at Cloud and Sir " He's GOT it! my GOD He's got the knack of my new toy!!!" Both Sir and Cloud had a good chuckle........... As Cloud's strokes would move off my ass.. Sir would use the lil black flogger (@#$%##$) - two strikes for each one of Cloud's. Now see if you can picture this........ Cloud's strokes are going right to left across my ass while Sir's strokes were going up and down......... They were cleverly creating a checkboard pattern on my poor abused ass..........

Wow !!!!!!!! what an amazing weekend.......... WOW!

my bags are packed......

And ready to go.........in just a couple of hours we will be on the road picking up our traveling companions and heading off .. once again.. to the Capital of the Great White North...

it is going to be a busy day....... it turns out there are a couple of workshops that Sir has an interest in.. one being something to do with leather cuffs and making your own set... and the other is safe wax play.. (wondering .. after all these years of wax play we now need to know how to do it??) and of course all the vendors i want to explore... AND we have been invited to a private lock down party prior to the public one... somewhere in there i WAS hoping to squeeze in a little nap... i AM getting old ya know !!! (cheeky grin)

W/we will be back sometime tomorrow..... while i am gone .. everyone play nice (stern subbie look).........

Trip

We are going away this weekend... to a Leather/Fet fair... and then to a play party at Breathless - the very same Breathless that i wrote about in Through the looking glass

i have never ever been to a Leather / Fet Fair....... weird thing is .. i don't even like leather! But i LOVE fairs... and this one is free.. and there will be all sorts of vendors (maybe i will find a new toy - something new and special and different) and free workshops and all sorts of people who enjoy the lifestyle - same as me.. same as Sir.. same as Cloud.... that is exciting!!! AND Sir has booked a room in a hotel so we don't have to drive home late at night.. and get almost no sleep and be groggy and cranky the next day .. and i am VERY excited about that !!!

But Breathless.. we are going there again...... and as hard as i try to NOT think about the last time.. i can't help but be nervous... what is it they say about falling off horses.. get right back on??? Last night i told Sir i was happy to be going away this weekend.. and excited.. and He made some off hand comment about "my performing" ..... and of course immediately i have visions of stuff.. STUFF.. He will do to me at Breathless.. and STUFF maybe i won't be able to handle........ and STUFF that might just scare me and have me wimping out again...... STUFF that for the most part i can handle here at home... so what is it about doing this same STUFF at Breathless that scares me??

Maybe i need to remember i am His toy! and i gave Him the rights to play with "this toy" anyway He wants to ....... and maybe i need to remember that Sir will always take good care of me.. and will never let anything bad happen to me?? And maybe i just need to find my "center" and be calm.. and focused ...

Maybe ........ i just need to get back on that horse .............

Grandma

i was remembering my grandmother today....... and the memories made me smile..... what a good thing it is when death takes someone we love dearly to finally be able to get to that point where the memories no longer bring tears but bring smiles ......

let me share with you a little bit about this amazing woman who helped shape and form the woman i have become...........

grandma was a tiny bit of a thing.. not more than 5 feet tall and 90 pounds soaking wet. All of my formative years were spent either living upstairs from her and grandpa or living next door.... Most small children were terrified of her cause for all the world she looked just like the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz.........and i guess.. if truth be told.. she could be a witch..... i know her daughters in law were frightened of her.. her sons were frightened of her.. even her husband - grandpa - who stood head and shoulders over her was leery of her.........

She ruled the family with an iron fist......... held us all together with true grit .... Each sunday the family followed her down the aisle in church and filed into the family pew....... and god help any member who claimed to be sick on Sunday morning!!! Each sunday evening the family would gather round the dining room table laden with food and argue and bicker and yell and yeah .. laugh too..

Grandma was superstitious .. and lived her life and tried (god love her ) to live everyone else's by the superstitions she had been raised on..... The one i will remember till the day i die ........ was...... on the day i was married i had to put a penny in my shoe (for good luck you see) and the ding dang penny got lodged just under the ball of my foot .. and pinched all the nerves .. my foot fell asleep and i could barely stand still during the service.. AND it took a week of honeymooning to bring the full feeling back..........

i remember grandma sitting on her front porch listening to me talk about friends .. loves lost....the Vietnam war (it was during the 60's)... religion.. everything that mattered to me... she would sit and listen and every once in a while she would utter some words of wisdom........ but mostly she listened.. encouraging me to voice my opinions.

i remember lacing grandma into her corset... just like in Gone with the Wind.. she would hold on to the bed post and i would lace her in tight! i often wondered who did that for her when i wasn't around.......... and i remember how small her waist was.. god i could put my hands around her waist and my fingers would touch !! i remember for my wedding.. my mother and an aunt convincing my grandmother she could NOT wear the corset.. but had to get a bra and wear it.. (she was known for purchasing them but never actually wearing one) and she did.. and she never let me forget it either!!! "dang thing choked the breath out of me" she would say........ and i would wonder how in god's name her tight corset had allowed her to breath at all!!

i remember spending hours and hours in her kitchen with her learning to make everything from bread to pastry (ok ok i failed the pastry making) to main course meals... i remember sitting on the sofa beside her while she tried to teach me to knit.. and after weeks of frustration her finally teaching me to crochet - "because at least in crocheting there are supposed to be holes!!" i still have the lace doilies and lace trimmed pillow cases she made for my "hope chest".. because i just never quite got the hang of crocheting or tatting...

She always said she would never live to see her great grandchildren.. but she lived to see my eldest turn 2....... She hated the old folks home she moved to in her 89th year cause her "boys" had finally convinced her the house was just too much work for her.. and how she would complain to me on the phone about the "old" people she was having to live with......

At the ripe old age of 91 she boarded a plane for the first time ever to fly to Bermuda to visit with her youngest son...... returning 3 months later.. taking to her bed .. and dying quietly only 3 months after that....... i remember her nurse saying she was a real lady - who had lived with dignity and died with dignity.

Sometimes she still whispers in my ear... and i always listen........

fall

Today Sir had me fetch the 150' rope and bring it upstairs to the living room ...... i stood as i always do (so well behaved) naked.. hands behind my head.. while Sir worked His magic with the ropes. Usually the feel of the ropes wrapped tightly around my body brings me deep inside myself... and my world shrinks down to the cocoon of the ropes and knots.

But not today......... today as i stood by the living room window feeling the rope wind itself around my body....... i didn't go inwards... i went out.. wayyyyy out.. to the barenness of the world just outside the window. To the dark sky and the darker trees. To the wind howling round.. tossing dead leaves into the air and blowing them this way and that........ dark and bleak .......... this is my fall.. devoid of colour .. devoid of laughter and sunshine. Even the birds have departed and taken with them their songs of summer joy........ only the tiny sparrows and starlings are left to feed at the feeders.

i shivered .. cold air touched my skin and made my nipples stand at attention.. goose bumps covered my arms and belly.. But the coldness was more than in the air.. it was deep inside of me.. The sweater Sir wrapped lovingly around my shoulders when He had finished did little to warm me up........ and when He left today - as i knew He had to.......... i went around the house closing the curtains.. and turning on the lights... like a child wanting a light left on at bedtime to chase away the bogey men and goblins that live in the closet and under the bed.

4 more months and the days will start to lengthen again.... 7 more months and the birds will be back and the trees will boast new leaves and the gardens will spring forth in colour again............ BUT for now the world is dark and dreary and bleak............

ohhhhhh for those of you who know me well... the sudden awareness of the change of seasons did nothing to deter my efforts to wiggle out of Sir's rope work......definitely not a record - but then the knots were tied high up in the middle of my back.. more of a challenge.........but still a wiggle here and a tug there and poof the rope was off.... rewound and whipped and hung once more awaiting Sir's command to "fetch the rope"

on masochists and rants...

In yesterday's blog about being a pin cushion i received the comment that i was a "masochist"...... my immediate knee jerk reaction was to say "no bloody way!! not me... i am a pain slut - maybe - some days - but a masochist?? NEVER!" i have seen so many others who take so much more pain than i do.......... Our needle play is so light compared to some others (so light it is almost laughable).. hypodermics are not used.. (to answer the question from Princess and ke'chara the needles we use are acupuncture needles ) we do not create corsets with needles nor does Sir "sew" me shut with needles........

in my mind we were on the fringes of extreme play.......... looking in .. that is not to say one day maybe .. Sir will create a beautiful corset down my back with needles and pretty pink ribbon........... but for now .. we do what we do...... and i do not consider myself a masochist.........

Then this morning i decided to look up the word masochist in the dictionary.... i always thought it meant someone who self inflicted pain.. or accepted pain... craved pain ,... and in extreme amounts !! To my surprise i discovered the definition of masochist was simply - "one who derives pleasure from pain" there were no qualifiers... no levels.. just simply "experiences pleasure from pain".. WOW i am a masochist?? !! Isn't that a bad thing???

and if i am a masochist then Sir HAS to be a sadist right?? - definition - one who gains pleasure from inflicting pain on another........ Now funny thing is.. when i met Sir he was the "bondage guy".... most definitely NOT a sadist .. not even close.. the very thought of "hitting a woman" made Him turn the other way......... but somewhere along this road .. this journey... the Sir who came to teach me about bondage picked up a crop and discovered that there was just a little bit of a sadist inside Him..... (giggling.. ok ok.. more than just a little bit !!!)

Now i have a bit of a "philosophical" question here.... IF a masochist is one who enjoys pain.... and a sadist is one who enjoys giving pain......... can they be paired?? shouldn't the sadist withhold pain from the masochist in order to actually inflict pain?? (ok ok that is most definitely a bouncing ball moment!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now along the lines of philiosophical questions..... Buffalo asked me who actually owns whom ?? Does the Dom own the sub or vice versa?? My pat answer was "how many angels dance on the head of a pin"... meaning it is an age old question that goes round and round.. with no concrete answer. Some believe that the Dom definitely owns the sub! Others believe it is actually the sub who picks the Dom.. owns the Dom.. and controls what goes on........... after alllllllll the sub has the safe word right??? or does she??

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally french maid ( i think ) misintrepreted my comment on Doms and selfishness.. probably my bad wording........ in my rant on stables and some Doms.. i noted that some Doms only get pleasure from punishing...and i asked what was wrong with a Dom needing to give pain..... and just giving pain because They wished to.. and could! That seems to me the best way of doing things.. sessions at the Dom's whim .. and how nice to be able to have one for no particular reason.......... punishments (in my humble opinion) have no place in a play session.........

and finally why the rant??? simple answer.. cause it is my blog and i can ! As i said at the beginning of that particular post.. i got riled up.... it happens sometimes.... i do not always have to agree with things i see around me.. or read... and i do believe sub or not.. i am entitled to voice my opinion.. especially in my blog.......... i do believe that there are "bad" people out there..... who use and abuse......... and i believe in speaking my mind when i see potential for harm.... (i hestitate to use the word "educate"........ but wouldn't it be nice if we .. as a community.. could educate - i remember a well intentioned group "the sss group" that was formed for just that reason) ....... oh wellllllllll that is a completely different subject.. best saved for another day.........

The pin cushion

Last night Sir decided to use me as His very own pin cushion.......... It had been a long time since the needles were brought out..... But late in the evening He summoned me from the "office" and the computer and had me lay out the needles and "assume the position"... This night "the position" was on my tummy at His feet - my ass was the target for Sir's needling......

The method of insertation - from my end - is simple.. feel a small prick.. hold my breath for the tap tap of Sir's finger not so gently tapping the needle all the way in......... and then sometimes just for good measure.. after the needle is in.. Sir will twist it round a bit... make it look pretty?? god only knows....... but there you have it.. prick.. tap tap.. move on to the next. Soon after the first needles have been inserted a slow tingling starts up.. from deep inside and spreads.......... it can just about drive me out of my mind.... depending on the day.. the mood .. the depth (who knows what it depends on??!!!) it can feel like thousands of ants marching across the skin taking little nibbles .......... sometimes the muscles in my ass will start "the dance of the needles" muscles twitching and dancing... sensations running round and round .. and up my spine and back down..... i feel like my ass is having spastic episodes....... and all the while Sir is gleefully tap tapping more needles into the gyrating area...

Sir left me to enjoy my gyrating ass muscles while He went upstairs... hearing His footsteps on the stairs i knew exactly what He was going for........ THE KNIFE....... now the knife came about from a not so brilliant idea i had about knife play....... honestly sometimes i really should "put my mind in gear before i put my mouth in motion"!!! Sir purchased this wickedly evil knife............

and rather enjoys using it to torment me from time to time...... Last evening He decided to try a little writing lesson ?? on my ass.. thanks very much to kaya and her Master for pictures of His writing lessons some time back...... i am sure they did much to inspire my Sir... (sighhhhhh.. hopefully kaya one day i can return the favour !!) ........

Anywayyyyyyy i could feel the tip of the knife tracing patterns around and through the needles - this was not new.. and i knew from past experience to hold my breath - especially when the tip would dip and run between my cheeks down further to more sweet and tender parts.......... BUT last night Sir added a new twist - i could feel the knife carving (for lack of a better term) neat lines into the small of my back........

now the small of my back is my most sensitive and responsive erogenous zone....... it took all the will power i have to hold my position.. not move.. god how i wanted to "hump the pillow" i was lying on (i apologise for the blunt terminology - but hells bells folks that is EXACTLY what i wanted to do !) Flash bulbs were flashing (ok ok digital cameras do NOT have flash bulbs........ but i can take literary license!) and then Sir went back to work with the knife......... and from far away.. i could hear .. faintly.. the soft tinkling of fairy bells........ and the giggles of the fairies who were dancing on the heads of the needles.......... Sir was using The Knife to move and vibrate the needles........... making soft tinkling noises.........

and i floated away on the music of the fairies..............

temper tantrum!

Some days .. despite all my best efforts.... i just get riled up.......... and today is one of those days....... and if you aren't in the mood to read a rant.. then please check back tomorrow.. cause this is gonna be one major RANT!

(quick editorial comment here......... the situations i am referring to do not involve 24/7 ... the submissives are summoned to the Dom's house OR summoned to attend a party or are summoned to a munch etc... )


i was going to write a whole mess of words/feelings about stables..... However i realize that some of you .. out there in BDSM blog land .. might actually be in one.. love being in one.. and believe in them............ soooooooo i reeled in my rant a tad........ i do not wish to upset the masses...............................

However having said that........ i want to understand how a Dominant.....who runs a stable...... rationalizes the value of it by stipulating that (this is my understanding of this particular philosophy) a) there will most likely always be at least one sub in need of disciplining... b) competitiveness drives subs to greater heights of achievement...... and c) there would always be someone available to make Him tea...... (ok ok that one was probably a tongue in cheek comment... )

Why is it that some Doms enjoy their submissives/slaves misbehaving - so that it gives them an excuse to punish?? What does that say about the Dom's needs?? Does that make them more sadistic?? less sadistic?? What is wrong with just having a good old session??? And why is it that the sub must earn a session - by cleaning the house or weeding the garden or some such chore?? Isn't it just possible that this is..in reality.. just real cheap labour?? Doesn't the Dom just want to have a session for THEIR pleasure??

And why is it that some Doms (or people in general) feel that so much good can be derived from competitiveness?? Why play one sub off against another?? Ultimately isn't that what competing does ?? Isn't it just a little bit possible that competing one against the other could actually break a sub's spirit??

And why is it that some of these Doms that have a stable or strongly believe in the philosophy of one....... do not believe or accept the need of a submissive or slave to have more than one Master?? Why not have a little healthy competition between Doms??

i do believe that for some .. a stable may be the answer.......... maybe for some a poly relationship (which given the number of blogs i read that are poly.. i have to say they - for some strange reason - make more sense to me than stables) BUT i have spoken to more than a few submissives who entered into a stable only to end up feeling less valued.. and having some serious self esteem issues at the end of the day.

And yeah i know.. "your kink - my kink" .. but this is MY blog and this is MY rant........

and one more little rant......... i HATE all the cheap free advertising that appears in the comment sections of the blogs........ therefore i have decided (after holding out as long as i could) to add the verification process ... to those of you who HATE them - i do too!! - i apologise BUT if i have to read one more comment about the best sex sites for buying dildos i will scream!!! so it is verify to comment from now on........

now i will return you all to your regularily scheduled blogs.........

An update.........

Sir is safely back from the doctor's .. He will be scheduled some time in the new year..... hopefully January.......... On the phone He sounded feisty and upbeat........He will check in with His heart doctor and get the final OK to go ahead with the surgery....... and i put my subbie foot down and told Sir when the time comes He will stay overnight here.. i will drive Him to the hospital and bring Him back here for some tender loving care......... ummmmmmm... now what evil can i plot - after all Sir will be .. ummm.. incapacitated for a couple of days........ and probably i will be able to out run Him.. giggling...

under the weather

My Sir is "under the weather" and if one asks what is wrong.. His answer is a generic "It's a MAN thing"......... which is a lot like saying "women's problems" i guess...........

He sees the doctor today......... finally !!!! And we are hoping that they will schedule surgery quickly .. not leave us waiting for months ........ it is all becoming awkward and uncomfortable.. and greatly biting into our time together....... Sir has tried very hard NOT to let that happen.....but i am this weird lil subbie...... and one of the things that i have always loved during a session was feeling Sir's naked body pressed against mine.. having Him "cut me down" afterwards and saying "service me" in that voice.. THAT voice that i have come to love. That voice makes me quiver and tremble.. and makes me (bluntly put) wet.

But since the advent of this MAN THING....... Sir doesn't get naked anymore with me.... and i never hear those wonderful words "Service Me"... and i have come to realize i miss them....... i miss being on my knees servicing Him.. giving back to Him just a little bit of the pleasure He gives to me so freely..........

And so i am asking.. everyone out there.. keep a good thought for my Sir today...... keep your fingers crossed and your toes and your eyes if you can.. that this small trial will soon be over....... for Him.. and yeah for me too.. as i feel His discomfort / His pain as much (maybe more) than i feel my own............

on pain.......

What makes some pain just feel damn good and other pain just hurt so damn bad?? i was pondering that earth shattering question last night when i was attempting to brush out my halloween hair style..... (full of teasing and hairspray and spiders!!) It hurt BAD......... but let Sir pull my hair and it hurts good....... what is the difference??

On the weekend i was once again amazed at how my body responded to the pain........ pain is my foreplay....... orgasms are never very far behind......
i was remembering Sir showing off to a Dom (a while back) how horny i got from having the crop used on my pussy....... i was embarassed to discover that despite my best intentions of not embarassing myself by becoming "aroused" i couldn't stop it...... in fact to my utter and complete horror .. i begged Sir to allow me to cum.... only from the use of the crop.......

It is not unheard of for me to feel the rhythm of the crop against my ass and find in that rhythm the same kind of feelings another might feel from being fucked.... and it isn't unheard of for me to cum.. arching my body skyward on tippy toes as the orgasm washes over my body. And it isn't just the crop that has that magical effect on my body...in case one is jumping to conclusions....

And despite what i have written..... i can become aroused in (for lack of a better term) vanilla ways....... soft caresses in all the right places can and do have me cumming......... it's just so much nicer with a little pain.....

i find now that i talk myself into accepting regular pain....... blood tests at the hospital....... i close my eyes and see Sir inserting needles into much more sensitive bits......... a mammogram and i see Sir putting nipple clamps on and tightening them.... or squeezing my breasts tight in His hands....... and pulling...... mind games to make the bad pain just a little more tolerable.....

And i remembered for some strange reason.... during this thinking about pain.. the one and only time my father spanked me as a young girl ....... i remember him sitting on my bed.. of my being over his knee.. his hand spanking my bare ass.. i remember lying still....... (i can SEE myself lying there) .. feeling the spanking.. feeling it deep inside of me... and i can see myself deciding it was time to end it all.. and wiggling and crying and of course my father stopped.......... with the words "That hurt me much more than it hurt you".. and know what?? i think he was right.

i made Sir promise me one thing......... early on in our relationship..... that should the day come when He had strong feelings for me ( i didn't dare use the dreaded "L" word) that He would still continue to give me the pain i craved......... so many before hadn't been able to .. not after the feelings grew strong......... every once in awhile i will push Sir's buttons.. asking if He is wimping out on me.. unable to give me the pain......... and always He comes back harder and firmer and with more zeal............

And the rainbows appear ...... and the fairies call my name.........