a mute subbie

For losing my cool and snapping rudily at Sir on Saturday.. the punishment i chose was one of silence. Now for those of you who may not have figured this out yet.. i am a rather chatty subbie...... which is often what lands me in hot water.. my chattiness... silence to reflect on my quick tongue and rudiness seemed an appropriate punishment......

It was really amazing to me what things i worked through in my head.........

* Christmas is NOT supposed to cause me stress... and lights that don't light on one side are hardly worthy of a nod and a wink .. never mind a full blown temper tantrum
* Christmas is NOT my Sir's responsibility .. not His joy.. it is a holiday / tradition that i chose to continue! and so it is with lights that won't light on one side.. my responsibility.
* Sometimes real life moves in and stays for a while... be it "men's health issues" or work related stresses.. or money problems or car problems .. speed bumps in the road of life is what they are.. and how they should be approached....
* Our reality can NOT be the reality that others have.. no matter how hard i wish they could be.. no matter how much i want them to be... i can NOT be the "cunt in the box" while i must work 5 out of 7 days.. and be absent from my Sir.
* i AM a very lucky sub in that i have a Sir who cares for me and cares about me and to dishonour Him with a nasty lil temper tantrum is just WRONG
* that there are areas that perhaps need some work - in our relationship - such as my deep abiding need to be the "cunt in the box" or at the very least feel well used and abused
* that i must get past this fear i have of our relationship turning too vanilla....too comfortable.. too old and boring and my fear that Sir will become bored with me.....

And then when all this began to sink in .. i started to wonder why Sir hadn't taken me in His arms and whispered the words i so dearly needed to hear "you are forgiven"........ as the hours marched along.. i became almost sick to my stomach worrying about this... was Sir EVER going to forgive me??? i didn't notice that only shortly after the initial temper tantrum that Sir ordered me into my clothes and took me out to purchase lights that light on both sides..... that on Sunday afternoon again the order to dress myself and Sir took me out to purchase more of my beloved needles...and when we returned home because we could not get the exact same size of needles Sir decided a little needle play was in order - to see if there was a difference for better or worse....... and only after that did i ask for permission to read my emails..... and there... waiting for me...was an email from Sir .. saying.. all was forgiven on Saturday and why hadn't i noticed?? and i knew i had noticed all the little things.. but i was waiting to hear the words ... hear Him speak them..needed to feel His arms around me while the words were whispered in my ear........ i needed to know all was forgiven.. and i could return to my rightful place kneeling at Sir's feet......................... and yeah.. chatting His ear off......

And then today .. when i returned from work to find my usual email task list... and attached to the list were the pictures Sir had taken of the needle work from Sunday.. and as i opened the first picture tears came to my eyes........ for Sir had used the needles to send me a message......... and if YOU look close you too might see the "message" in the pattern of needles.........