The Struggle

This week i read kaya's blog about isolation... i sat back and read it more than once.. i had been taught to avoid Masters who kept their submissives isolated..BUT there was something nagging at me.... there is a whole lot of logic to that theory too..... i wrote to Sir (in my private journal) that when i come home on fridays.... i am no longer administrator.. no longer vanilla, but not yet submissive either.. i feel quite often like a non-entity... nothing.. i am nothing.. i need to be filled up with Sir's strength and command... and sometimes life plays cruel tricks .. and i am left empty and feeling lost..and struggling..

This was one of those "struggle weekends" ... Sir wrote in His blog about my "attitude attacks"... The reality is just that.. some weeks.. i struggle to find my way back to my knees... some weeks i need.. crave.. and fight for Sir to shorten my leash and force me back to my knees.....for some that makes me a BAD submisive/slave.. for others it makes me a S.A.M. .. for still others.. perhaps the more enlightened ones.. it makes me "normal"... which ever.. whatever.. the reality was this was one of those crazy weekends......... and i did indeed have an "attitude attack".. and for anyone interested.. i absolutely HATE myself when i am in that mood ...........

Last evening Sir ordered the cuffs put back on.. ankles / wrists... they fasten with padlocks and tend to be heavy and clunky ... they do indeed "tap tap" my psyche.... then Sir took me downstairs to the "play room"... i didn't want to go.. i really didn't........ and i assumed Sir didn't want to go either... (yeah yeah i know all about "assume"!!! and what it makes one).......

He chained me to the ceiling and started to go to work on my ass... i felt separated from Him.. i really did.. i felt pouty and belligerent and mean spirited.. AND i kept asking myself "what is wrong with YOU??!!" i was mentally stamping my foot and mentally yelling at Sir "not THAT toy".. "ouch that one hurts too much" .. "stop M*&*&#$*@! " (kaya's suggested safe word - yeah yeah blame kaya.. ) .... i hopped from one foot to the other.. i moved forward out of reach of the swing.. and then just as quickly moved back so again the swing missed the mark......... i refused to open my legs .. ohhhhhhhh i was just a bad sub.. a very bad sub !!!!

Sir got frustrated.. exasperated.. angry?? and He took my arms down from the chains........ phewww i breathed a sigh of relief .. Sir had seen the light.. no play !! BUT Sir was not finished... not even close.. He then proceeded to fasten my wrists to my ankles.. i panicked.. "i will fall " i cried.. "you will NOT fall " Sir answered as He began to wind rope around my middle and pull it up to the hooks in the ceiling.. "i won't be able to fly " i whined.. "who said I wanted you to fly??" Sir replied... And then He started all over again.. fast and hard .. unrelenting.. the muscles in my thighs were cramping.. (charlie horse type cramps) .. the ropes around me offered me no safety net.. i cried and i cried out! Sir stopped and released my wrists and i stood upright.. the look on His face made me cry ...

He pulled me roughly to the cross fastening me tightly .. picking up the whip and going to work on me faster and harder... i was sobbing.. He came over to me and i cried out " You are angry with me" and He answered "I am NOT angry" and again the whip cut through the air and found its mark on my ass... i was sobbing.. tears and snot running down my face (not exactly a pretty picture) and Sir said " I will NOT stop!" and the pain continued.. and i felt the sting of a thousand bees and knew He was using the silver handled flogger that bites into my very being.......... and on and on He went.. toy after toy .. and the tears flowed .... and then .. then there was nothing.. i was suddenly wrapped in my Sir's arms held tight.. feeling safe and loved and right with the world again.....

There had been no fairies .. no rainbows.. just a total giving over of control...... a total surrender....... and a warmth that glowed from within.............and when Sir came to bed around 1:00 am He pushed my legs apart and TOOK what is His.. and it felt right and good .. even sleeping in the wet spot !!!

This blog is not a fantasy .. it IS our journey through the pitfalls and the joys of a D/s relationship..... with everything life throws at us.. from aging joints and rusty bones.. and menopausal moods and tempers and "male problems"... this is just who we are..