History Repeats itself

It was Nov 14th 2007 that I wrote this post.


 Almost 5 years ......... almost.  But almost only counts in horseshoes right???  

Two weeks ago I started with the same symptoms - I kept it to myself.  I worried, I fussed, I stewed, I nearly made myself sick.  

Then I tried calling my doctor.  I left message after message.  I heard nothing.  On Tuesday I sent her a fax......... listing my symptoms saying how scared I was and asked someone - anyone - to call me.

Yesterday - in my Cat in the Hat get up - I drove to my doctor's office to try and make an appointment.  Her nurse told me she really didn't have anything free.  While I was there someone called in and cancelled.  I got the appointment for 4 o'clock.  

Then it felt ok to talk about my fears.  I wrote W.  Somehow (and yeah I know it's stupid) I thought if I didn't tell anyone - didn't talk about it - it would just go away.  It didn't.

I went home after lunch and washed the Cat in the Hat makeup off and went off to the Doctor's.  My 4 o'clock appointment stretched to after 5 - sitting in the waiting room feeling like I was gonna be sick - feeling my heart pounding - my palms sweaty .. I was cold.

And then finally my name was called.  She and I talked.  I told her I was really scared.  I told her I could NOT go back to the oncologist she sent me to before.  She nodded and listened.  

Then she said she would take a look - if she could see some "damage" then maybe she could handle it.  I have never prayed so hard as I did yesterday - that she would see "damage". 

It hurt - I won't deny it - but it didn't hurt as much as the last time.  And she kept telling me what she was doing - what she wasn't seeing - she kept me relaxed.  Then as I was about to give up hope of her finding "damage" she said " yup there it is ........ and there too" and then she took scrapings and more scrapings.  

Then we went back to her office.  She thinks she knows what is wrong this time.  The scrapings should tell her conclusively.  The results will be back in a week or two.  If it is what she thinks.......... then my body is old - and shriveling up and drying up........ normal she says.  And treatable. 

I am not ready to do the dance of joy yet................ but there is hope........ a glimmer of hope that the evil "thing" hasn't started growing again my belly.  AND that is a very good thing !