Scattered

I took the above picture yesterday - edited and posted it.  

But it haunts me in a way.

Most of it's bits have been blown away - lost forever.

Some days that's how I feel - like so many of my bits have been blown away...

Trying to be Strong and Independent

One of the most dificult things for me during this learning period - learning to be strong
and learning to be independent and learning to stand on my own two feet - is learning to ask for help.  I always feel I am imposing ................ and so I don't ask.

BUT there are times that one really should ask for help.  Like now.  3 months ago I had my regular cancer test.  A friend took me.  (I knew he was squeezing me in between family obligations - but despite my pleas to forget about his promise he took me) AND of course the doctor for the first time was running 30 minutes late AND then he had to perform surgery which made me even later I was SO stressed.

So when this appointment appeared on my calendar I looked for someone else who might agree to take me.  I asked a friend who had volunteered before.  She said yes.  BUT now it turns out she has obligations and she is stressing over how long the appointment will be and will I be out of there for sure by 10:30.  I don't FUCKING know! 

and I am stressed - to the eye teeth. 

I am scared enough that they are gonna find another tumour - and I will require more on the spot surgery.  Now I am stressing that it can't take more than an hour because she has to leave ................ so I am gonna thank her and say next time - maybe.

Which means I am now left with no one to take me.  

and that is scary .......... and makes me feel alone.  I could take a taxi and will probably have to....... but there is something about having a friend there to hold your hand - and if god forbid - they find another tumour - to rub your back or give you a hug.

This being strong and independent sucks donkey balls.  BIG TIME

 

Seeking serenity

I can finally return to yoga today after 2 weeks recovery from my surgery.  

I am hoping to find some inner peace and calm.

Now what?

It's funny how people see me as this "together "woman with all the answers - ok maybe not ALL but most.
 
In reality I am so far from together it isn't even funny.  Hell I don't even know how to write this post -  it needs to be written - cause 1) maybe someone has some ideas to help me and 2) I need to see it in black and white (so to speak)

What happens now??? Can someone tell me??

At the risk of shocking/overwhelming you .....

I want to be beaten

I want to be tied

 I want to hear the primal growl in my ear that makes my knees go weak

I want to be fucked 

I want to feel the butterflies in my stomach again.. the anticipation

I want to hear "good girl" or "I'm proud of you" again...





I took the first steps........ I changed my profile on Fetlife - I took a deep breath and just let it pour out....

Initially I got a few responses..... but vague / generic type responses...

"I'll tie you anytime"

"You need a beating - just ask".

Oh yeah and someone even read my "fetish" list and offered to use a strap-on on me.. 

So what is my problem????

How do I ask?  
Each of the responses were from folks in relationships........... I don't want .. GOD I DON'T WANT!! .... a pity scene with anyone... a pity fuck ... a pity tie... know what I mean???
AND I don't want to step on any relationship toes, just for the sake of having a scene.

AND I can't just go to a play party and beg for someone to play with me...... the whole thought of it makes my stomach tie up in knots and makes me want to lock myself in the bathroom and never come out........ 

So............ 

Now what?

What/Who am I??

What/who am I now??

I still wear his collar - my slave ring - my piercing.  

But I have no idea what I am now....... 

a housewife?
a roommate??
a sister??
a pain in the ass??