It is 8:00 p.m. Wednesday night.
Sir is out for the evening.
i was left a task email - sit on Mr. Mat for 30 minutes and think about the events of this past week.
At first it felt an awful lot like a punishment and i was upset.... i didn't think i should be punished for honesty.... i didn't think i should be punished for talking about how i feel...
BUT ... i brought out Mr. Mat and i am sitting on it.
And the weirdest thing happened... i had an epiphany. (ok maybe that is a strong word - but everything fell into place.)
Way back in November (i think it was) Sir started to empty His house... He asked me to come and help........... i thought about it and said no. i had what i thought then were good reasons.... now i don't think they were so good.
Something kaya said way back when.. and something melissa said... all kinda slapped me upside the head while i sat on Mr. Mat and focused on the events of the last week - the last few months. WHO did i think i was to say "no" to Sir?? WHO did i think i was to assume i had the best way of clearing out HIS house????
i am here to say .. i was wrong. and i apologize to Sir with all my heart.
What should have happened back in November was - i should have driven over to Sir's house and i should have done as i was told... pack that box, move that vase, empty that drawer - whatever Sir wanted done. i should have been the best submissive i could be.. i didn't.
That is the past.. tomorrow is a new day.
This weekend i will be going to Sir's. i will be helping Him finish up the house....... this weekend.. next weekend.. for as long as it takes.
Ack! I dunno what I said but I'm glad (I think? right? this is good?) that I said it.
ReplyDeleteI think you were the best submissive you could have been back in November, and I think now you will be the best submissive you can be in January. Don't regret past decisions that teach you something in the here and now, for how else would you have learned it? ;-)
kaya
yay kaya it was a good thing - you asked me why i didn't just go to Sir??? at the time i was too blinded by what i didn't want to do to see what i should be doing :(
ReplyDeleteyesterday seemed to be a day of evaluating for me.. (Mr. M evaluated a job i did and i didn't exactly get 100% on that either ... sighhhh)
But you are right - i will learn from both these lessons and move forward with my head held high.. lesson learned!
morningstar (owned by Warren)
and anyone who thinks any of this is easy; or that we somehow "get to it" and THEN it is easy can share in your learning.
ReplyDeleteWe do the best we can -- or not -- and we learn what we learn from that, and we move on to learn whatever is next.
I'm glad for your new sense of awareness about where you are and where you are heading. Good for you.
Hugs, swan
Hurray for new days! :)
ReplyDeleteMy dear Morningstar, at the end of the day, we are still afterall, human.
ReplyDeleteWe make mistakes .... and we learn from them (hopefully).
Be kind to yourself, life IS a constant learning process.
These ephiphany moments are powerful aren't they? I've had a few myself. I think one of the biggest ones is that I'm never going to get it 'right'...because what is right today, may well not be right tomorrow, or in a week, a month or a year's time.
ReplyDeleteI've learned its about being 'emotionally agile'...of being much more aware of what he needs of me and being able to let go of my own stuff enough to repond to that in the best way I can. That best way won't ever be 'perfect'....and I think our partners would be pretty damned bored if it was!
Enjoy helping him with the clearing this weekend.
love and hugs xxx
"That is the past.. tomorrow is a new day."
ReplyDeleteRight on! Every day is a chance for us to get better and better at submission/slavery. Bravo to you for making it happen in a way that best works for your sir and yourself!!
Yay for new days.....
melissa
It all sounds so easy in stories, doesn't it? You continue to be a lite in the darkness...your honesty helps put my own struggles into perspective. It's amazing how easily we can fall into thinking *we* know a "better" way. i also admire your Sir for helping you find the space and time for contemplation so you are able to focus on what's truly important.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing that with us here.
~s/nik