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Morningstar’s Legacy

Morningstar was a huge influence on all of us, and the impact of her death will be with us forever. While her journey here is over please join us at Morningstar’s Legacy https://daemorningstar.blogspot.com/  to continue the journey and celebrate her legacy. 

 

Dae Morningstar

The End of the Road.

This is Sir Steve.

It is with a heavy heart that I need to let you all know that on Friday, July 22/22, at about 7:20am, Morningstar, AKA, Sheila, Passed away after her short battle with lung cancer.

I know that alot of you have followed her and became friends with her over the years. She enjoyed sharing her life with all of you.

So, I guess this will be the final post on her blog.

Thank you all for being there for her through this time. 

She will be missed by all of us.

Steve

pic line versus iv

I was readmitted to hospital last week with an invasive infection that involved complicated treatments every tday.  It also involved a PIcline being installed

 

  that will stay in place for at least 10 days (if not longer)  this infection is slowing all my treatments down To say I am exhausted and weak is an understatement   Never mind I've had 2 major falls and 1 bloody nose I' m very nearly  down! 

Tattoos Updated

 Updated
Heard todsy that I have an infection and that they will have to delay my radiation treatments by at least 3 weeks

 

 

 I love tattoos!  over the years I have been tattooed 3 times.........

They all tell a story and represent something I love.

Yesterday I got 4 more tattoos 4 little black dots two on my chest and 2 on each side

they don't represent anything I love but they do tell a story.  They will guide my next radiation procedure.  Starting next Tuesday I will undergo 15 consecutive doses of radiation on my lung.

The lil one

 We have been honest with the lil one about what I am going through and she has been amazing........like last week I wanted to dust the living room but couldn't for the life of me remember the name of the dusting spray........ So I asked the lil one ...... and she reassuringly got me the dusting spray,paper towels and said 'don't worry S I got this!' and I marvelled at how amazing she is.

Then my hair started to fall out.  And it kinda threw me.........

 

Every time I moved my hair would flutter down.......... get into everything......my eyes my mouth (if I was eating) my nose.  GAH .. it drove me crazy!  At dinner  Sir Steve told the lil one that the medicines I had been on were causing my hair to fall out.  She studied me for a minute or two then said " think of it this way S......... you won't have to go for hair cuts!!  AND you won't have to wash it all the time "  I burst out laughing!  She was so right !!!

Yesterday I had another consult - and while we were at the hospital Sir Steve took me to the gift shop and I got a pretty scarf .......... and Sir Steve and I made a date with his razor when I got home......... well when the lil one got home so she could take pics of the great shave off.  It is time I found ME again - losing my hair isn't gonna knock me down for long!!  And because I have nothing to worry about anymore - I am gonna post those pics that the lil one took........ of ME

the before shot

THE BIG SHAVE OFF 

                                                            

                                                           The finished product

Fine State of Affairs

 

 Soooooooo I had an appointment booked this morning at 8am for a bone scan.  When they called me to book it I was annoyed........ enough with the appointments already!!! 

So when I got there at 7:45 I was a bit bitchy.  When they got me in the back and were getting ready to put the IV needle in my arm - I asked 'who booked this appointment?'  They told me and honestly I didn't recognise the name.  So I said "you'd think the doctors would share the results.  The nurse stopped and looked at me. "When did you have this scan done ?"  I said not sure - but sometime since the 7th of May.  She stopped what she was doing and headed off to the nearest computer.  When she came back she was full of apologizes - apparently this test should NOT be done more than once every 6 months or better still once a year...... and someone had booked me in for a test just 3weeks after the first one!!! 

I was sent home.  and all I can think is thank god I questioned the test - otherwise god only knows what would have happened....... (it was a radioactive  test - where they inject you with radioactive material)

Aren't the medical people supposed to be in charge?? supposed to be taking care of their patients? supposed to be making them more comfortable ???

Sitting here shaking my head.

feeling a little brighter today

 BUT be warned this post might be the things nightmares are made from.........

So I have finished this round of radiation...... and if I could I would do a happy dance.  

I thought you might want a few more details....... about radiation of the brain.  They made me a mask - that was put on each time and screwed to the table so I couldn't move my head.  Each and every time they fastened it to my face I could see my reflection in the over head machine - and each and every time it scared me.........This morning I took pics of this mask - before the lil one threw it in the garbage can for me.......... damn it felt good to toss it !!!

and if you can keep reading ....... cause there is some beauty at the end.........

 

on my last day of radiation I received a delivery from the florist - from ..... I couldn't believe it......... my hairdresser!!!!

feeling ragged

 

I have finished my radiation treatments (for now)

They really knocked the stuffing out of me.............

And sometime in all the treatments my drainage tube got yanked out of my chest......... so Tuesday was spent getting radiation and having the tube put back........

I have postponed all further tests and appointments till next week....... I am exhausted... and discouraged ... but Sir Steve wanted me to tell you all how I am doing....... I'll check in another day - hopefully when my spirits are a little higher.............

Genital jewelry story contd

 So remember the shock of the staff?

Well fast forward 24 hours.....3 doctors are standing at the foot of my bed discussing the fact I need an MRI and how to remove the jewelry.  I laid here listening and after trying to explain how it was put on some years ago I finally announced it would be easier to show them. (I do have a devilish streak) one of the docs ran to get a nurse and I whipped down my pjs and tugged the jewelry up and showed them. One doc tentatively touched it - then he started to twist the ball hoping it would open.  No success. I finally said I don't need it anymore so cut it off! That started a whole new discussion how to cut it where would they find cutters. One bright spot suggested ob/gyn The meeting of the minds was dismissed and they all disappeared.

Fast forward a couple of hours when they all reappeared with an intern carrying some cutters HUGE cutters!  I pulled the jewelry up the cutters slipped under the loop. I held my breath and then snip I heard the ring snap!

As they were getting ready to leave I said " bet none of you thought when you came into work you would be removing clit jewlery!

And we parted with a giggle

Update - may be a trigger

 Actually anything I write from now on may be a trigger just so you know.

I am still in hospital and the diagnosis was shocking... Stage 4 lung cancer. I have been through every test known to man. I am tired but I am also a little feisty. 

I had a permanent chest tube put in last Thursday.  That was the beginning of rhe 'fun'. The nurse asked if all my jewelry was off and I said everything but my genital piercing. I wish you could have seen her reaction!

She swung around from the computer and looked directly at me for the first time and exclaimed so everyone there could hear "You're joking right?! A GENITAL PIERCING!!!!!!!"

I assued her I was not joking. She entered the information and eventually the procedure went ahead. But I was reeling a bit.  I felt embarrassed and humiliated.

There is more to this story but that's it for today.

Update

 Just so you know

Sir Steve took me to hospital on Saturday.

They transferred me by ambulance to a bigger hospital in Ottawa. I cannot breath 

I have a chest tube in and they are wirhdrawing fluids from my left lung. I feel like shit. Wont be answering any comments - no strength

Update

 

 

Sometime over the weekend I had to admit defeat..... I had to say it out loud...
"I have a problem"

The realization started on Friday when I went to the hairdresser.  I could barely walk the half block to the shop.  And then my hairdresser said to me "You are wasting away in front of me".  Yes I have lost that much weight. 

And so I finally said it out loud to Sir Steven - I have a problem... and promised to call the doctor this morning.

I just got off the phone with his office.  They are trying to find me an appointment and will call me back.  

Keep a good thought for me ok?? I sorta kinda feel like my world is spinning out of control.

Sunday Sentiments

 

 

It begins......

 

 

We've been working on cleaning up the yard........ who knew there was SO much garbage!!?? I usually take before and after pics - but not so much this time.  I don't think I realized what a difference the cleaning / tidying would make.

But here is a pic of the last bit of mess....... 

 

AND here's what it looks like now. 

 

There are 4 yards of top soil ordered - and a couple of yards of gravel ........ We were hoping it would be here yesterday but no no....... maybe today?!

Mostly we're gonna lay grass seed..... but over by the small shed (that houses the bikes and the snowblower ) is a low spot that looks more like a swamp than grass or garden - le sigh.  After some research I discovered something called a rain garden.  

We've filled up most of the depression with sand .... next we're gonna add earth and sand mixed and top it off with gravel.  Then add rain loving plants and hopefully we'll have less swamp and more natural rain garden - we're hoping something like this........ 

 

 

The sun is shining finally!!  BUT we wait for the top soil........... it may have taken us a week to get the inside of the house done - it's gonna take a whole lot longer to get the outside done.  

Spooky Adventures

 

 

Yesterday I decided to wash all the windows in the house...... that was my first mistake.  It was a rainy day that turned to a snow storm!  The patio doors had what I thought were smudges at dog level ....... except they weren't smudges - it was a sticky gummy residue...... ugh!  took forever to scrap it off and get the windows cleaned...... did I mention it was snowing?!

By lunch time I had done almost all the main level windows.... I was in the kitchen cooking some noodles when I heard this buzzing sound.  WTF?!  I followed the sound to the bathroom.  It sounded like the fan was on...... only it wasn't! I traced the sound to the wall outlet.  WTF?!  I touched the outlet - it wasn't hot.  So what was the noise?? Then my imagination kicked in...... maybe mice had chewed some wires in the wall??

Sir Steve called and I had him listen to the sound via the phone.  He said he'd come home.... I was close to panic.... what if there was an electrical fire?!   He came flying in the door and went straight to the bathroom...... He felt the wall - he was looking for vibrations........ nothing.

THEN 

His hand hit the toothbrush holder and the sound changed.  He started pulling the electric toothbrushes out - one by one.  The lil one's toothbrush was running!!?? So no chewed wires in the wall ......... BUT why did her toothbrush turn itself on??!!  He turned it off......... my heart slowed down and we kinda laughed about it.  EXCEPT before he left it turned itself back on!!  Finally I took the batteries out of it !  and a new toothbrush is on the shopping list.  When the lil one came home from school and I told her about the mysterious sounds - she said "OHHHHHHH we must have a ghost!"

 Anyone got a phone number? I think I might just put it on speed dial........ 

THAT stage

 

 

About a year ago we started to see some changes in the lil one..... minor ones but still changes.

This year we've noticed some more major changes........ oilier skin/hair.... changes in body shape......... and Sir Steve and I started to prepare for the hormones ...... and changes to personality.

Was I ready for it? NO!   I've been down that road twice already with my daughters.  Did/do I want to do it again?  NO!  but ya know - it's all part of the parcel.

Anyway - after Spring break our government removed mask mandates.  Joy oh Joy!  We talked with the lil one and told her we wanted her to keep wearing her masks at school........ cause 6th wave ya know.  Every laundry day there were her dirty masks in the wash - so I assumed she was wearing them........ Yeah right!  Then the school posted pictures of her class - one in the gym listening to a speaker and another of her in class doing an art project.  Guess what?!  In both pictures she wasn't wearing her mask......... le sigh.  Sir Steve questioned her - 'was she wearing her masks?' 'Oh yes' she said.  Then he pulled up the school pictures and showed her ............ GOTCHA!

She came home from her mother's yesterday with a runny nose and laryngitis.  Turns out it started on Saturday.  First thing that came to mind - COVID of course.  Her mother never tested her - cause ya know - it's the mother.  So last night Sir Steve tested her...
OMG!  What a nonsense he had to put up with.... pulling her head away - holding her nose.... crying........  Fortunately the test was negative.  see me breathing again?!

This is what we call a teaching moment - don't like nose swabs? then sanitize your hands wear your bloody masks!!

and there have been other little behaviours that scream hormones....... can I do this again???  or better question do I WANT to do this again?  Life is about to get very 'interesting' around here - le sigh......... 

The Work Continues

 

 

Despite Mother Nature's best effort to keep  us out of the yard this weekend - Sir Steve did get out both Saturday and Sunday for a few hours.  Mostly we're just at the clean up stage.... the yards haven't had any care for more than a few years...... 

There were 3 sheds in the yard - plus a lot of dead grape vine plants /overgrown plants  and trees that are in desperate need of pruning and loving.  Sir Steve removed a small broken shed .. spread a pile of sand that was sitting in the middle of the yard... dug up thistles and pruned down some suckers off some of the trees..... and before we knew it we had another HUGE pile of garbage to go to the dump.

 

BUT the yard is looking a whole lot tidier and maybe there's some hope for the back yard yet!!

Other than that we had a quietish weekend - ordered in dinners  - lots of TV and early to bed..... 

AND before you know it - it's MONDAY again  

 

 

Sunday Sentiments

 

 

Saturday's To Do list

 

 

We had a plan for today....... garden work.

One of the big problems we have is someone - once upon a time - planted grape vines in the garden...... back and side gardens.  We have a pear tree in the side garden.  Upon close inspection - it turns out that the grape vines have grown up and wound themselves around the branches of the pear tree.  My first thought was cut the main stock and let it die - then just pull the vines out of the tree......... BUT...... someone already had that idea.... and the vine isn't falling out of the tree.

So the plan was - today Sir Steve was gonna dig out the ladder from the shed - climb up into the tree and cut and pull the vine from the branches.  

Except there's no sun today.... le sigh........and it's cold.  AND it's forecasted to rain.... le sigh.

I have paint to paint the side deck and the front deck AND the shutters and the trim ... and anywhere else that needs a coat of paint........ EXCEPT it's so cold and wet it's not a good time to paint...... le sigh. 

Another weekend in the house watching movies??? 

 

AND - it's Friday!

 

 

And it's Friday - my favourite day of the week..... it's MY day!!   

I shower and shave and manicure and pamper....... no pressure ... no schedules... just time for me.

IF I was the type - I would sit and eat bonbons and watch movies ....... it's just that kinda of day.  The best part on THIS Friday - the sun is out!!  YAY!!

Hope you all enjoy your Friday ! 

Another holiday done!

 

 

Well we had a busy Easter Weekend...... le sigh.

On Sunday we had Sir Steve's daughter, SIL and daughter for brunch. The lil one was with her mother.  

We had a nice visit with Sir Steve's family.  We bought the granddaughter sidewalk chalk and a fancy dancy automatic bubble blower.... which had her shrieking with joy and running around the back deck like crazy trying to pop the HUGE bubbles!!  Every so often she'd gasp "wait a minute" which had us laughing...... it's fun to hear a 2 year old use adult expressions

Then we had to come up with ideas for our lil one's Easter basket. (she got her Easter basket on last night when she came home)  I have never been a big fan of overloading kids with chocolate....... so my girls used to get art supplies and a new outfit on Easter.  BUT this lil one doesn't need art supplies - eldest daughter keeps her well supplied.  So what to put in her Easter basket?!  I came up with the 'brilliant' idea to have plastic eggs with 'coupons' ..... each coupon was something we knew she would love - like "staying up 30 minutes later" " a trip for ice cream" "movie night" " a day without chores"........ and more............. The lil one loved them!!  she also got clothes from Daddy and me.... she LOVES clothes so it was a win win ......  

and just like that the celebrations are over for another year.......only 8 more months till we start all over again with Christmas......... le sigh!

 

Spring has Sprung.......

This morning - April 19th - we awoke to this...................... 

For those of you not familiar with Spring in Canada............. it kinda looks like this....

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some Easter Smiles.......

 

 

 

 

 

Filling in the blanks

 

 

So what really has been going on around here??? This much stress from a move??? Well let's not forget Sir Steve's dad died in June..... and we are still dealing with the details and emotions and personalities from that.......... then in Sept Sir Steve had a small health issue - saw his doctor and we thought that was that...... BUT in November he went back to see the doctor cause the problem had not resolved itself.  Then we had the move that hit in December till February....... Then that health issue of Sir Steve's was still hanging about .... so in March he went to see another doctor and get a 2nd opinion............. 

AND you guessed it - 2nd opinion was not a brush off -  no 'nothing to worry about'....... nope this doctor mentioned the dreaded C word (cancer).  and referred Sir Steve to a surgeon............ It felt as though my world had fallen off it's axis... I couldn't breath. 

We had to wait 2 weeks to see the surgeon.  We saw him on Thursday.  He was very thorough.... poked and prodded.  He has ordered a  CT scan - and possibly a biopsy.  BUT on a positive note he didn't think it was cancer.  He thinks it may be a problem stemming from a surgery Sir Steve had over 15 years ago.  He also said the area in question was not deep (which was worrying me cause ya know 9 months delay on the diagnosis) but seemed superficial to him.  As he was talking I felt my body deflating.... I felt the pain in my muscles easing....... 

We're still facing surgery ......... but hopefully not cancer surgery.

My body has a long way to go to return to health - the stress has really done a number on it.... 

Easter Lessons........

 

 (especially the jelly beans!)

Sunday Sentiments

 

 

Just a Peak

 

 

Ready to share - a little bit.

My world started to crumble a couple of months ago.... around the time we moved.  I know I posted happy / excited / can't wait to move posts..... but the truth of the matter was underneath the whole move nearly drowned me in stress.

I am ready to talk about it - a little bit.... cause there's a part of me that needs to bring light into my world......... This morning I talked to Sir Steve a little bit about it.... It's not like he isn't aware of what is going on,..... but I haven't been able to talk about it.... this morning I tried - cause experience has taught me when I talk about it - it loses some of it's hold on me.

I told him I have food anxiety......... because stress makes it difficult for me to eat... I am now stressing over dinners cause both he and the lil one watch me to see if I eat - how much I eat.... and I feel like I am disappointing them when I can't eat ..... and when I say 'can't' I mean CAN'T.  The food will not go down - the food gets stuck in my mouth - and I can't swallow it and then I gag.... it's disgusting.  and I hate it !!  and yet I feel like I have no control over it.  

I have been living on maybe 600 - 800 calories a day.... for 3 months now.  I have lost weight.  I have lost muscle mass.  I have lost the joy of cooking and eating.  

I am living with no energy..... duh!  food = energy right?  So most of my days are spent curled up on the sofa.. napping ... that is not to say I'm not getting chores done - I am.  The laundry is done the house is clean the shopping is done.  (did I tell you how hard it is to go out into the shops??!! I can hardly breath when I am out and about)

I keep hearing my grandmother's voice saying "this too shall pass" and it will I know it will - it has before.......  I could do with it passing now ya know?  like right now! 

 

Thank you

 

 Thank you to everyone who has reached out to check on me... 

Let's just say all the stress and anxiety I have been living through for the last 3 months has caught up with me......... 

Usually I share everything - but right now I can't.  I just can't.  

please be patient with me..........