an old joke:
claire asked a question the other day -
I would be interested on your thoughts on your masochism and whether you
have ever had inner conflicts that you shouldn't like the things you do
pain wise?
WOW!! how to answer in 100 words or less (grinning)
I kept my masochism a deep secret for many years. I felt weird and felt that I didn't fit in anywhere... even in the clubs I used to play at.. I knew I was very different from other submissives. AND dear god I never EVER told anyone that I got massively turned on by pain. It took many years for me to accept my masochism. AND I remember when I first told another submissive - he looked at me and laughed. He pointed out to me that almost everyone who knew me knew I was a masochist ! Believe it or not that helped me to see that folks wouldn't think I was certifiable.
Now let's take a closer look at what masochism is for ME.
Yes I love pain and Yes pain turns me on....... BUT when Sir Steve has me bent over the bed ass in the air.... my heart is pounding.. and I am questioning if I will be able to get on top of the pain - ride it - and finally enjoy it.
A good Sadist knows how to get the masochist to where they should be....... it takes patience and know-how. Sir Steve doesn't pick up the hardest toy and just start whaling on me...... that wouldn't work at all. My body and my mind need to adjust to the sensations.. there has to be a build up. I remember the first time I played with Sir Steve. His reputation preceded him and I was scared! BUT he had a rhythm .... using a small wooden paddle (small in that it neatly covered one ass cheek at a time) he would hit one side then the other.. increasing in intensity. Every so often - specifically after a hard hit - he would use the palm of his hand and push down hard... holding it.... feeling my muscles relax and then .......... back at it. Soon he would sense I was riding on top of the pain... surfing it ... and then the big bad toys would come out.........from that point on he was free to be the Sadist he is. and just let the masochist that is me be me.
AND yes I do have orgasms of a sort from pain...... But again there is a 'rhythm' to it... I'm not very good at describing it cause usually I am just aware that my body is responding.. and the foggy brain clears enough to register what is happening...
AGAIN it's up to Sir Steve to give the right amount of pain - at the right speed - to bring it on....... I have no control - my body just moves as though it is being f**ked and then my back arches and my body stiffens... Sir Steve tends to wait a split second when he sees the physical reaction - not wanting to 'ruin it' ........ But once it's over he goes back to doling out pain.
When Sir Steve decides that the play time is over - he slows things down - the hits become slower and more gentle... and at the end he rubs my back and whispers in my ear and brings me back to him.
BUT not everyone plays like Sir Steve.... and I have played with many who thought they could give me the pain I need. Sometimes they would just start whaling away on me.. making me gasp and work hard to get on top of the pain and ride it... Other times I have doms want to prove they can make me say 'uncle'. They would have no rhythm .. would hit with all their strength with whatever toy struck their fancy ... and they would switch and change toys too fast to allow me time to adjust. In my mind they weren't Sadists - they were (insert expletive) bastards who wanted to look good. I've learned to value my masochism more now - and wouldn't play with folks like that ever again.
Finally - does pain always feel good?
no it doesn't.
If I stub my toe it bloody hurts.. I have an invasive cancer test once a year (that if you're interested does involve an extreme BDSM kink - not mine but just saying) without any freezing or anaesthetic that has me in excruciating pain and close to tears every time.
Masochism for me is about consent and loving partners and laughing and working together for our mutual benefit.
Hi Morningstar,
ReplyDeleteWow, very interesting, well thought out answer and very well said. A wonderful insight. Thank you for sharing.
Hugs
Roz
I can understand your hesitancy with coming out as a masochist. For years I questioned if I was because of the physical intensity of our dynamic at times. I had no clue to be honesty but the fact that I feared I may be spoke volumes to me as to judgment. Of course I was new to all of these things back then. I met a Sadist and months after many hours of talking weekly, he told me I was by no means a masochist. I didn't really have a feeling either way with his answer, but I know relief washed over me because I could just stop thinking about this ONE thing...LOL.
ReplyDeleteI have reacted to a spanking sexually, once in the 8 plus years we've been doing this. I have never again come close- until after, much later. Like I said before, I believe it is the power exchange aspect I'm horney for..lol.
Sir Steve's methods sound very much like B's way of resetting me, with the exception of the cool down. It takes me a long time to let go, get out of my head ect. In my case, I'm not sure I'd say I ride the pain, unless I'm heading into subspace waters. That takes a very, very long time for me. I first have to stop disassociating from the pain and live in the moment. Eventually I accept it, but I'm not sure that is the same thing as riding it. I surrender to it, but if he has a wayward strike, or something I am BACK at fighting it again. LOL.
Anyway, interesting read. Thanks for sharing.
willie
riding the pain is my way of describing what it feels like ...I do honestly visualize it as a HUGE wave that I just have to get on top of.. once I'm up there.... it's fun... and the endorphins start flowing ...
DeleteAnd you do realize that the pain is not restricted to floggers and whips and my ass right? it involves beating my breasts .. my pussy... my back.. it involves knives and marks - and OMG sometimes it even involves I C E !!!(grinning)
because of the endorphins I HAVE to be in good hands when playing.. cause I lose any and all ability of judging what's too much... I have to trust that the play will stop - even if I don't think it's enough - when Sir Steve deems it's enough!
Yes I do realize that the pain is not restricted to your butt. I was more talking from a reset point if view in my case. When serving his own needs pain can be applied anywhere ( with the exception of my face) and he does so with many different objects including ice ( I believe we share a loathing to that lol). But when B 'takes' there often is no settling down for me. It isn't about getting me anywhere. It can and does happen but it isn't the primary objective. After (long after) I may feel Uber Submissive because I endured all he wanted and served his need, but that's not always a guarantee. Lol
Delete* funny what we visualize. I talk to myself (during a reset-oddly not when he's taking for himself), " Just calm down 'willie'. You can handle this---- *insert other voice- oh hell no!* Let yourself settle and hear his words" God, I sound like a relaxation, tape when I think about it! Except there's a lot if internal swearing too. Lol
DeleteLMAO over sounds like a relaxation tape OMG!! I can be like that some days... there has been a couple of times when I am bent over the bed - ass in the air - that I hop up (scaring the sh*t out of Sir Steve) and tearfully ask him if he loves me and for a kiss... bugs the hell out of him!! BUT sometimes the whole idea just overwhelms me
Deleteummmm just had a light bulb moment -- uber submissive sparked some ideas.. maybe I'll do a blog on MY uber submissive momments.
OH and while I'm here - procrastinating the cleaning I'm supposed to be doing... .did you get your computer back? got your message last night - and have been to visit this morning
Lmao! Get this, so I got my computer back but he told me to read something he put on my last blog post but didn't publish. I couldn't locate it so I didn't want to screw anything up ( misread that he included the word his phone- but it wasn't there anyway). So now he has high jacked my computer again and is two finger typing something!
DeleteNo doubt we will be running out after that due to our impending lockdown and the holiday shopping schedule to add to the mess. So once again I'm back to this afternoon? God help me it better be worth it whatever I come up with. Lol
willie - WHAT ??? you aren't going to answer till this afternoon MAYBE??!!! BUT but but that means I actually have to go clean the house..... le sigh...
Delete(grinning) ok no stress really!! I'll keep checking and eventually we'll get the discussion going .......
THIS WAS SUPER AMAZING. such clarity. I enjoyed reading this tremendously! And hip hip hurray for Sir Steve knowing what to this with his masochist! LOL
ReplyDelete*what to do to his masochist*
ReplyDeleteThank you Fondles - when I write something like this it is difficult to know if words can properly explain it :)
Deleteand yeah I AM lucky Sir Steve knows what to do to me.. LOL and with me!
Great explanation. I really feel I understand it so much better now. This makes me feel like we are all even more alike - everyone needs that build up to keep the pain from being the 'toe-stubbing' kind.
ReplyDeleteConsent is the biggest facture. Why don't I like this headache, back pain, hitting my thumb with a hammer? Easy, because I did not agree that this should happen
ReplyDeletePrefectdt
exactly Prefectdt !! I wanted to make sure folks understood that there is more to masochism than just pain :)
DeleteThank you for the in depth answer, it was interesting how you spoke about riding the pain until you get to that point of it being enjoyable, would you say that is going into subspace or completely different?
ReplyDeleteI have reached subspace whereby the pain stops registering as 'horrible' pain but it doesn't arouse me I just can relax into it.
I have never engaged with anyone else in bdsm so I have nothing to compare my own experiences with, came close a few years ago, we discussed it but it never happened, perhaps one day.
thanks again
I'm not entirely sure of the definition of sub space - everyone seems to have their own... BUT endorphins and adrenaline definitely help to make the pain easier to take... When we were playing once or twice every weekend long long sessions... I used to joke I was addicted to the endorphins..... and I do believe there is something to that. I used to get very grumpy as the week wore on... grumpy or weepy... Sir Steve used to say I was "jonsy-ing" :)
DeleteWindy - I was a reluctant to talk about other forms of pain.... mainly because it isn't that main stream.. and this was written to help folks understand.. therefore it made sense to me to talk in terms that everyone might be able to relate to.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you found something to take from this :) and that I didn't send you running for the hills (cheeky grin)