The one comment I heard a lot - after my post 'A Little History' - was how amazed folks were that I could trust again. It didn't happen over night... believe me.
I had to find a new way to do TTWD.... I had to find a safe way to do TTWD.
Then ronnie asked me what my favourite part of TTWD was. I couldn't answer it. I suddenly felt like a fraud. We don't do TTWD. OMG I was gonna have to stop blogging.. I was gonna have to stop commenting.
Then there were a few bloggers who were writing about their submission - about their TTWD and I felt familiar pangs. I wanted THAT! They were talking about communicating with their partners and building their TTWD.
THAT'S IT!! THAT'S WHAT I HAD TO DO!!! I would sit Sir Steve down and we'd communicate and we'd make our own TTWD!!!
AND then I'd be in the club again!!!
Then I read a blog - and my world spiralled out of control. I was in panic mode. and I was angry. I turned to willie. I needed someone who might hear me - might see we (yeah yeah I was sure willie would react the same as I had) HAD to rescue her... she was in trouble - couldn't anyone see that??!!! Willie quietly explained how she saw it. It wasn't how I was seeing it. My heart slowed down.
BUT I still had problems - obeying someone?!! Doing whatever they wanted??? no no no .. everyone had to see how wrong that was... so I asked my 2 questions. BUT no one gave me examples of the rules I had had to obey. I couldn't see any humiliation. I couldn't see anyone being made to feel stupid. WHAT?!!! Then I calmed down more - and I realized it was my TPE hell that was colouring my reactions. kind of a PTSD (though I hate using that term !)
Suddenly (ok ok it wasn't all THAT sudden) everything started to fall into place. I could see our TTWD with clearer eyes. I could see what it is that I like about it.. and the reason WHY I like it.
Are you all still with me?? I really felt the need to explain why it has taken me so long to actually answer ronnie's question 'what's your favourite part of TTWD'? The pieces all had to fall into place and fit. and I believe that's where I am now. Tomorrow I will finally answer ronnie's question!
Life is truly a continuing journey!
Hi Morningstar,
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad your recent posts, comments and talking to Willie helped you find charity on your relationship. Our experiences do shape how we perceive things 'should' be and our reactions. Yours was definitely not a typical TPE relationship.
Looking forward to reading your answer to Ronnie's question.
Hugs
Roz
This may be a long ramble, so I apologise :)
ReplyDeleteBefore I came here (blogger), my Master joined Fetlife to see what it was like, and I was allowed to browse around, I never commented, just read loads, and I came away many times thinking "I don't fit" or to be more accurate that how me and my Master lived our lives was wrong, I just found it a very judgemental place, or rather many of the people were, things like you can't be a slave if you have limits or a safeword, and god forbid you dare have an opinion!
We decided Fetlife was not a place for us. I am getting to my point, I promise.
I realise that not everybody is going to agree, that ttwd is not going to be the same for everyone, when I read your "history" post initially I wasn't sure what to write because some of it identified with how we do ttwd and it left me conflicted, please by no means do I mean that in a critical way.
I do stand by my comment on that post, and hope I caused no offence, although you strike me as someone who would point out if I was way out of line, and if I was or maybe in future I wouldn't mind if you were to say "hey Claire you got it totally wrong" lol
I agree very much with what Roz said, our experiences shape how we perceive things, and your experiences most certainly would have had an impact on you, tainted perhaps your view on tpe relationships? but (of course there is a but) your Sir Steve is not your ex, the experiences with him are 'new' so you can build from that afresh and with the knowledge of being that more able to recognise what doesn't work and does for you, that it's healthy and happy.
claire - first don't ever apologise here for rambling !! How often do I ramble on?? LOL
DeleteI was on Fetlife - and very active for many years... but since I took my life back I hardly go on at all now. A lot of what is on there is either not real or definitely NOT what I want out of BDSM...
(grinning) no worries about offending me - I'm not shy about voicing my opinion :) though I seriously doubt (from what little I know about you) that you would intentionally hurt anyone's feelings !
Well it's a good thing all this talking and blogging and questions have helped to clear some of the fog and you can see the way ahead. Looking forward to the next post!
ReplyDeleteThis 'revelation' just demonstrated to me how skewered my emotions are/were... now it's time for a slight readjustment and move forward again :)
DeleteOver the years I've read post that frightened and worried me. What the person was talking about seemed abusive, extreme, horrifying... you get the idea. But then I think of my experiences if my vanilla friend were to read that I was cuffed to the bed and beaten with a belt and a cane they would think - abusive, extreme, horrifying. So when I read what others write I have a much more - to each her own attitude.
ReplyDeleteMy friend out here help me by telling what's going on in THEIR versions of TTWD. I don't have to emulate them. But knowing expands my understanding of the whole TTWD world and I appreciate it. I'm looking forward to tomorrows post.
It is much easier to have a their kink my kink attitude when you have a healthy relationship with TTWD... ya know?? My realizing how triggered I can still be was HUGE for me! I thought it was gone .... le sigh
Deleteoh Windy - you are not alone about stressing over being a misfit ... even after all these years of blogging I still get butterflies if I post something that may go against the grain (or in my opinion may rock somebody's boat :( )
ReplyDeleteI honestly did think I had moved completely past the old traumas... this taught me I still have a way to go... :) and that's alright - I'm in a much better place than I was just a few years ago. Growth is what this is all about - and good folks like yourself and so many others :)
My apologies for taking so long to get here. I did read this first thing this morning but had to get running and haven't stopped until now. Um, not that you were waiting with baited breath. Lol
ReplyDeleteI love it when things fall into place, even if there is pain to get there. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off. For me there doesn't always have to be a solution, just knowing why I reacted to something the way I did helps.
And honestly, you didn't take a long time to get there- at least not as far as the first question and then the trigger to figuring out things.
I'm happy you feel better about your place in blogland. I think we all go through stages of insecurity here, there and everywhere 😉
willie