Rain .......... again

 

It's raining it's pouring the old man is snoring.......
Rain rain go away come again another day.........
Mr Sun Sun Mr Golden Sun hiding behind that tree......

 

 It has been a gloomy rainy week...... (Ok ok Sir Steve reminded me that we had sunshine on Monday and Tuesday morning....... ) and the long range forecast is calling for rain all next week......... ALL next week. AND it's not even that warm...... summer rain is kinda fun... cause it's warm ya know... but spring rain is often cold and damp and makes old bones ache.... 

BUT on a bright note.. I finally found a raincoat I like!  I have been looking for a couple of years.. in my head I knew what I wanted - found similar ones a few times over the years BUT I didn't like the cost...... over $100 for a raincoat??!!  I don't think so.  Then a month ago an ad came across my facebook feed for raincoats.  I went to look and found this one........ 

 

for less than $100 - my ideal raincoat!!  Red with a hood....... R E D !!!  Have I told you how much I LOVE red??!!! I ordered it and it came last week.  OMG I love it!  now I would like to find a soft light white scarf........ when I can go back into the shops.  For now I'm just delighted to have a new raincoat - one I will feel good in!!  AND will keep my hair dry... no more umbrellas!!  (I hate umbrellas)

Now if it would just warm up a little bit - I would put my RED raincoat on and go for a walk - maybe even splash in a puddle or two........... 

 

Rules....... No Rules

 

 

I like rules.  I live by rules.......rules help keep life orderly and neat and tidy.  I don't understand folks who don't follow the rules - or yell and scream over rules.  Rules reassure me - and make me feel safe.  (yeah I know weird!  but we've established I am weird! - grinning )

BUT there are times and things that should NOT be governed by rules.  Blogland is one of those things that should not be ruled by rules!!!  I didn't know that it was... or that people were trying to set rules for blogging....... until I read Windy's post about rules.. and then this morning PK wrote about rules.  When I read Windy's post I literally stomped my foot........ 'who would DARE to tell someone how to write THEIR blog?'  it boggled my mind.. and I could imagine myself laying down some rules of my own if someone pulled that sh*t with me!!  

As you all know I didn't use to answer comments regularly..... ok ok... rarely.  and now I am trying to answer them.... I have no schedule to answer them ... depends on my day... quiet day I sit around waiting for your comments.... busy day you're lucky if I get to them before bedtime!  (don't like my schedule - too bad so sad - can you tell I'm feeling feisty today?? )  and if I can't think of anything to say to your comment I won't say anything at all.......... 

As for the other 'rules' that Windy posted - geez louise!  I will write every day if I want to and have the subject matter to write about - OR - I will run out of steam and not post for a couple of days...do I care what you think?? NOPE not at all.. 

Just so we're clear on Rules .......... I love rules out there in real life... but here on my blog there is only one rule.....................

Weekend Report - Vanilla Side

 

 Two years ago it was decided our front deck had to be rebuilt - it was (I don't know) 45 years old?? something like that - it was in desperate need of replacement.

I don't want this blog entry to be about the piss poor contractor who was hired..... BUT let me just say this.... it took him over a year to take it down and put up a new one.  In  the process he totally ruined our small front yard.

This was our front yard for months!!!!

Instead of putting protection down when they dug up the foundation - they just dumped dirt and rock on the lawn.  When they finished putting the deck up they just kinda shovelled the dirt around ..... and left it.  No pathway replaced to the city sidewalk.. just a slopping slippy mud yard.  (the same one I slipped on this past winter)

Even before they had finished work I had a dream of what the front yard could look like...... BUT silly us - we assumed the contractor would keep his promise and come back after the winter and fix the yard......... that was LAST spring.  We haven't seen hide nor hair of him since.... 

I have described how I see at least part of the small front yard many times... I see a rock bed curling around the yard with a dwarf flowering tree close to the deck with some large rocks (small boulders) placed strategically.
Sort of - kinda - like this................ 

Saturday morning Sir Steve and I were standing on the deck having a smoke - when Sir Steve suggested we go to the garden center (which were - we thought - supposed to be open) and pick up the lilac tree I have been dreaming of....... and price the other supplies.  I just about jumped up and down with excitement!

Well the garden center was closed (see my sad face?) BUT the local big box hardware store WAS open - and their garden center was operating!  We found a healthy white lilac ..........(one day it will look like this)

and we priced rocks and ground cover (to keep the weeds from growing through)

When we got home Sir Steve dug up the front side bit of the mess and put new black earth with peat and bone meal ... and proudly planted our lilac tree. 

 

We'll save our pennies and pick up the rest of the materials to make my 'rock' garden and hopefully have it finished by the end of this summer !!!

Life is VERY good when the man loves you enough to bring your dream to reality!

Weekend Report - Kinky Side

 

I was writing my entry for this morning in my head (I always write in my head first) when I realized we have a 'vanilla' side to the weekend and a 'kinky' side most weekends.  Usually I just clump them together BUT this weekend - well I want to talk about both sides - cause ya know sometimes it just makes sense...... 

 

So last night.... after supper - I got the order "10 minutes - naked - over the chair"
We had been looking for a better alternative to spanking/playing in the bedroom... Sir Steve suggested we use the chair in the living room

 

It turns out to be a brilliant option!! It's just the right size - supports my upper body well and leaves all the important bits available. (I bend over it from the back)

So........... all that to say - last night found me bent over the chair - naked - butterflies flying around in my belly............ Sir Steve used a knife and his hands.... imagine "spank spank spank - then cold steel biting into skin" it was amazing... eventually my legs just kinda gave up supporting me.. did that stop him - nope - I got back into position and he carried on - I LOVE that about him - it isn't over till he decides it's over!!

When the knife runs my back over my ass and down the back of my legs - it honestly feels like a stream of fire 

 

It burns........ and hurts... and oh my feels so damn good!! ( yeah I know it's not your cup of tea) 

After - later - we were outside smoking and Sir Steve said casually - you're probably gonna have some scabbing on your ass....... that's it - just some scabbing on your ass - and move on........ I made a mental note that skin had been broken.

This morning - my ass was sore -- YAY!!  some deep tissue bruising but heat - burning heat.  I had Sir Steve take a look.  "Is it bruised?" apparently no - but he did take a picture of my ass so I could see. Beautiful red stripes down my ass..... knife marks.
We all talk about how bruises are a mark of honour (so to speak) I rarely have actual visual bruising - but I do have knife marks....... beautiful patterns of fire and pain.

Life is good when you have patterns on your body and your heart 

Sunday Sentiments

 

 

How's it hangin'

 

OH and if anyone doesn't believe such a plant exists I found this site that confirms it does exist..... 

Challenge Done

 

Christmas 2019 - my youngest daughter gave the lil one the Lego Tree House....

 

I shuddered... cause I do NOT do jig saw puzzles and Lego is just a giant 3D jig saw puzzle.

This was pre covid and I was helping out a neighbour by babysitting her youngest after school.  BRILLIANT - he loved Lego soooooooooo I'd get the two kids working on making the Tree House.  After an hour they both gave up.  I looked at the directions and promptly found a bin to put the whole thing into.. and shoved it on the lil one's toy shelves.  Her father could do it with her.

Then covid...... and home schooling and I needed manipulatives for math lessons... the Tree House Lego made for great manipulatives.  Then a snowy afternoon and the lil one had pulled the Lego out to play with.  She has spent the last year or so having fun building everything from cars that drive themselves to imagination inspired buildings - but no Tree House.

And so it went ...........

UNTIL

Yesterday I checked on the lil one playing in her bedroom.  She was lying on the floor with the directions for the Tree House propped up in front of her and all the Lego pieces neatly laid out in front of her.  

The whole afternoon passed with the lil one intently working in her bedroom.  Then there was a triumph " S......... " and I looked up to see her coming into the living room carrying the Tree House.  "I DID IT!" she exclaimed.

And she had!

                                                               The front.......

 

 

the inside........... 

The best part - as I was taking it all in - she said "I'm so proud of myself" ...

I'm proud too - of her taking pride in a job well done!  and yeah - proud of her Tree House construction too !

I'm Weird

 

Ok I am officially weird...... ok ok - more weird than you thought (grinning)

I LOVE cleaning the house...... well maybe not LOVE the act - I like that - but I DO love the clean house when it's all done.  There is something cathartic about scrubbing the floors - washing down the walls - dusting and vacuuming - sorting and putting away.  AND when it's all done - and I collapse exhausted down onto the sofa - it's a good exhaustion!  I earned this exhaustion..... 

On Tuesday I cleaned the bathroom - it took 2 hours.  AND trust me when I say it is NOT a big bathroom - like you can sit on the toilet and brush your teeth in the sink (grinning) and it took 2 hours!!  I pulled the step ladder into the bathroom - climbed up and took down the fan and cleaned/washed it - took the shower curtain down and threw it in the washing machine - as well as the bath mats... I cleaned the moulding over the shower/tub ... washed all the baseboards ... scrubbed the shower from the top to the bottom... wiped down finger prints everywhere - oh yeah and washed and polished the light fixture over the sink (as well as all the usual bathroom cleaning - sink toilet etc)
AND it felt fantastic!  

Today I am cleaning the house..... I just finished washing the floors - (UGH who knew the mud room was sooooooo dirty) I used my favourite cleanser - Pine Sol - the house smells so damn good when I'm done.... I'm waiting for the floors to dry so I can drag the vacuum out and get the rugs done........ then there's the dusting and the tidying and putting away .......... and then the house will be clean and I'll collapse exhausted ....... it will take me about 4 - 5 hours to get it all done - but in that time I won't think about covid or rising numbers once.... and the world will seem normal... 

I'll feel normal - and that's a good thing !

Friends

 

 

Over this past year - there have been more than a few posts that describe my desperation?? my frustration?? my angst?? maybe all of them....... and every single time you have all rallied round and supported me........ you are amazing people!!

I almost didn't post yesterday's blog cause it seemed so 'here she goes again-ish'..... and not one of you said that to me - OH you may have thought it but no one said it! Most of your comments had me giggling ..... everything from the virtual road trip down to PK's pool book in hand - to Prefectdt's headbutts.... to the 'me too's' 

I am learning the true value of friends........ even ones I have never met - will probably never meet - but still friends.  and I want to say a BIG thank you to each and every one of you............ together we'll get through this.

Too much

 

 Do you still have days when it - all of it - everything - just feels too much... so heavy that you feel physically weighed down?

We're locked down again - under a stay at home order..... till May 20th at the earliest.  Today it feels hard to keep going... to smile and act as though everything is just fine......... 

IT'S NOT FINE!  not even close.

I'm tired - emotionally exhausted.  No desire to prep for camping - as much as I am sure it will happen eventually - I can't work up any enthusiasm ......none.

I don't care about meals - or even trying to make interesting food....... everything tastes blah...... boring.. dull.
I had started trying to exercise - but that didn't last long........
I tried reading outside on the front deck  - but it's just not warm enough
I'm tired of trying ya know?
I'm tired of the climbing numbers and the covidiots and the feelings of fear and anxiety.

I'm just tired 

(and yes I know this too will pass)

 

End of My Spring Break...

 

 Well Spring break ended with a whimper........ whatever 'celebration' I had hoped for to end the break didn't happen.......... On Saturday I was still just a little bit off kilter ... by Sunday my libido had resurrected itself and I was feeling feisty and ready to rock and roll.......... Unfortunately Sir Steve came down with a migraine.............. so spring break just kinda petered out 

Good news though - Sir Steve did go through his clothes and managed to fill one bag for our "I give a Shirt" campaign.  I think for him it was a little trip down memory lane cause OMG he found a shirt he had worn during his FIRST marriage !!  (we won't talk about how long ago that was!!)  On the plus side he found shirts he forgot he had and even found a brand new pair of jeans that he's never worn cause they need to be hemmed!! (shades of my finding the white pants in the back of my closet!)

Even though we didn't have 'adult time' this weekend - we did have a great one..... we watched a couple of good movies... we talked a lot about nothing in particular and about everything ..... and we laughed.... I never realized how little I laughed in past relationships (spontaneous laughter)... it feels so good to laugh till your belly aches....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would love some feed back on something..........
I told you all how we have started to have 'THE TALK' with the lil one.  Sir Steve and I discussed getting her 'training bras'.  I suggested we ask her IF she wanted one - cause ya know maybe she doesn't want one. 

So we asked - and she said YES! though I am wondering if that yes was because it's some sort of 'badge of honour'?  I'm wondering if she will wear it for a day and then strip it off. 

I wonder if it's OUR need to see her fully covered? (for lack of a better term) I find myself wondering why we feel the need to plunk them into bras - to shape and form and maybe kind of hide them?  Are we sexualizing breasts?? on an 8 year old??!!

AND I'm shocking myself - cause when my girls were ready for bras trust me they got them and they wore them! (stern mother look)

Anyway - we did get some 'training bras' for her

and I'm in the process of washing them this morning.

So tell me - what are your thoughts on 'training bras'????

Sunday Sentiments

 

 

UGH

 

 

I thought I had been lucky with no major side effects to the vaccine........ Oh I was a little tired and a little sore but otherwise thought I was doing ok....

EXCEPT

by yesterday I realized I had been having trouble staying focused on tasks - everything seemed to take so much effort .. and when I did something as simple as making the bed - I was exhausted - absolutely bone weary - and had to lie down.  On Thursday I was aware that I seemed to have moments of dizziness... and was tripping over my feet cause my legs weren't working that well.  I checked the known side effects and didn't find my complaints listed so figured I must have some bug or something........ 

EXCEPT 

I realized last evening that my appetite was back ........ and the headache was gone ... and I had interest in talking and being social. My legs felt strong again and I could walk a straight line without weaving.

SO

I am guessing that I have been recovering from the vaccination... weird as it may seem.  I want to apologize for not commenting on blogs - or commenting with my usual enthusiasm. BUT it would seem I am back!!!  

Life is good when the body feels normal again. 

PeaceKeeper or PeaceMaker

 

 Are you a PeaceKeeper OR a PeaceMaker??  

Windy got me thinking about which one I was in her post today "No on Peace".  My knee jerk reaction was "neither - I'm a SH*T disturber".  

I can be a little hard on myself I think....... for the most part I HATE confrontations - I will actually get up and leave if there is a 'heated discussion' going on.  (that dates back to the "happy" family Sunday dinners at my grandmother's - where discussions always got heated and voices were raised and I would think I was going to throw up)

When I really think about which I am - I believe I am both.... first I work to MAKE peace .. then I work doubly hard to KEEP that peace - at least in my close relationships.  I have learned (am learning?) how to voice problems for the best solution.  I don't point fingers as much as I used to....... I hear myself saying more and more 'I am FEELING' ... no finger pointing - no blame. 

BUT - out in the world - where stupid people live - I'm not so politically correct.......or calm.  I suffer from knee jerk reactions........ verging on temper tantrums.  People who lie - outward lie - do something to my zen........ 

I go from zen calm............. 

to emotional eruptions.............. in record time

 

With stupid people who lie....... I can not hold my tongue....... I try but fail every time....I don't think it's a desire to be right - it's more a 'don't insult my intelligence' - like telling me you are not EVEN doing groceries when last week you were late picking up cause you were grocery shopping! Oh and let's not forget someone who didn't pay any bills for over a year and then claimed they didn't understand why they lost their house...or how about someone who got so caught up in a fantasy they had that they landed up making stupid decisions that landed them up in major hot water........... 

It makes my head spin - honestly!  I just want to retreat inside our home - close and lock the doors and shut the world out....... cause ya can't fix stupid.  

Life is challenging when stupid people disrupt your peace keeping efforts....... 

I Give a Shit - ahhh - Shirt

 

We recycle - I'm pretty sure everyone does these days... cause ya know if you don't you are a target for the recycling nazis.  We're not rabid recyclers...but we do our bit.  Every spring and fall - I go through the lil one's clothes and mine.... sorting out what doesn't fit .. what isn't going to be worn .... and bag them.  In the past we would drag these bags to second hand thrift shops - but GAH!!  it took forever to schedule a drop off - even before the pandemic!  And the bags would sit for weeks at the back door.  Occasionally we would have a family we could pass along the lil one's clothes to... cause ya know kids out grow their clothes seasonally.  BUT it was a hazzle.. and I was tempted - more often than not - to just toss them in the garbage.  (yeah yeah I know - BAD BAD BAD!!)

Then in 2019 we got notification that our city was doing a "I Give a Shirt" campaign.  The principal was simple......... fill up a garbage bag with gently used clothing, label it and on the scheduled day put it out with your garbage.  The city would come around and collect all the bags and take them to charities / second hand stores for distribution.  In return we got a sticker "I give a shirt" to put on our recycling bin.

WOW!  great idea and so much easier for us.  We put our first bag out in 2019.  Last year - despite the pandemic - our city ran the campaign again..... and we put another bag out.  Yesterday they announced this year's campaign.  Apparently last year they collected 27,000 pounds - yes 27,000 pounds! - of clothing. Next week is the collection date.......... and because of the huge participation they are going to run another pick up in October.   It boggles the mind ya know?!

I started cleaning out cupboards this morning....... this bag is just MY clothing - stuff that is dated or I just never really liked.

 

Next I'm moving to the lil one's room........... 

Last night when we were snuggled in bed - Sir Steve asked what my plans were for today - I told him sorting out my clothes, the lil one's clothes ... and mumbled "and your clothes".  He said to do mine and the lil one's but leave his alone.  le sigh.  I'm hoping I can get him to at least take a look at the cupboard full of his clothes and go through his drawers of clothes and maybe part with some??!!  He isn't even that interested in replacing the old clothes with new clothes.  Is that a man thing?? cause I mean seriously - who doesn't want to buy new clothes?? In my experience - M.E.N.

Life is good when I can sort and donate and have tidier cupboards!

Half Way

 

 

Today is Wednesday - which means we are half way through Spring Break. 

I feel guilty admitting how much I have enjoyed this break..... especially the quiet... there is no one  around - ALL DAY - no talking... no noise..... I LOVE
IT !!  I miss the peace and quiet more than anything I think.

I have been doing small jobs (for the most part) that kinda get forgotten.... Monday I got my car washed...... one of those drive through - no touch - no people places.   

 now my 'pumpkin' looks wonderful - ready for spring !!! 

Today my goal is to descale our coffee maker...... I don't remember the last time I did that... BUT my coffee tasted like sh*t this morning - so it's definitely due (grinning)

and the last half of this Spring break is unscheduled and that is a very good thing!! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

just a little update on my vaccination reactions...... I am amazed at how few reactions I had...... I had no swelling at the injection site...   usually my arm swells up till it feels like the skin is going to split........ absolutely no swelling this time! I did have a weird afternoon - I felt out of sorts - not like myself... the smallest task left me exhausted ... and my arm hurt!  Fondles - I did move it around right after the shot and didn't favour it - but OMG it hurt... still hurts.  But that's a small price to pay !  I crawled into bed and slept like a log all night - ALL NIGHT!  I joked with Sir Steve that I want a shot every day if I am gonna sleep that well !!!

Life is good when peace and quiet returns - even if it's just for a week 

Today's the Day

 

 Off for my shot this morning....... 

Stay Tuned..............  

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was so impressed with how smoothly it went....... line ups to get in.. line ups to register.. line ups to get vaccine....... BUT I was in and out in 45 minutes!!!

This vaccination center will do 1,017 shots just today!!! 

 

 

 Told this health worker he gives the best shots - didn't feel it go in!!!

4 months till the 2nd shot 

Life is good when you start the journey to full immunization! 

Best of Times - Worst of Times

 

 The weather man gave us a spring break gift on the weekend - well on Saturday - the sun shone brightly and the temperatures were summer like - 24 Celsius (75 Fahrenheit)
I sat outside with my book soaking up the warmth and sunshine...... it felt SO good!!

Sunday was sunny but not as warm....... didn't matter cause Sir Steve (and I) had plans!! UNTIL - I went down for the count - something I ate did NOT agree with me - le sigh........... 

I also marvelled at how the lil one's other family teach her by example. (and raise my blood pressure!!)  In case you didn't know - we are under lock down rules - STAY AT HOME! - so in the interest of teaching the lil one how one respects rules - they packed up the family and went off to another province!  to their campgrounds on Saturday!  

Today  I am feeling much better - just in time for Sir Steve to go back to work... le sigh again.  BUT I don't have to watch the clock - or worry about school work... YAY!!  oh the chores must still get done... but no pressure ya know??!!  AND that is a very good thing...

Sunday Sentiments

 

 

FINALLY!

 

 

I made it!!

WE made it!!

As of noon yesterday we are on Spring break!!! THE mother picked up the lil one at noon...and now we have 10 days of relaxing.... and recharging.

It couldn't have come soon enough - we were done - the teachers were done and then - there was an outbreak of Covid at the lil one's school this week - the school was closed and all learning was moved on line for the last 3 days.

Life is good when you make it to Spring break without killing anyone! 

 

*Our* TTWD

 

 Right - here we go........... 

These are my favourite parts of our TTWD:

* when Sir Steve claims ownership -  He'll grab a boob or other body part and say "it's mine!" not always - but when he does - my heart melts.

* I love that I always fall asleep snuggled into his body while he holds my boob tight

*  when the toys are laid out and I am naked - that is when *SIR* Steve really comes out .. that's when my heart beats fastest ... when I feel his hand pressing on my back holding me down... when I feel him step between my legs to get the exact angle he wants.. when I feel the roughness / the scratchiness of his jeans against my bare skin... when the knife comes out and slides between my legs - teasing my pink bits...  I hold my breath ...my trust is almost tangible... 

When I am under his hand - submitting to the Sadist that is my Sir Steve.... that is when I am happiest.. when I am the most grounded.  THAT is the best part of our TTWD.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Those are the tangible things I love - BUT I want to add a few intangibles that I have come to realize are so important to my peace of mind -

I love the feeling of freedom - no stress - no walking on eggshells - no feelings of failure.  In our TTWD we are a team - supporting each other - respecting each other - loving each other and that is a VERY good thing :)

TTWD

 

 

 

The one comment I heard a lot - after my post 'A Little History' - was how amazed folks were that I could trust again. It didn't happen over night... believe me.  

I had to find a new way to do TTWD.... I had to find a safe way to do TTWD.

Then ronnie asked me what my favourite part of TTWD was.  I couldn't answer it.  I suddenly felt like a fraud.  We don't do TTWD.  OMG I was gonna have to stop blogging.. I was gonna have to stop commenting.

Then there were a few bloggers who were writing about their submission - about their TTWD and I felt familiar pangs.  I wanted THAT!  They were talking about communicating with their partners and building their TTWD.

THAT'S IT!!  THAT'S WHAT I HAD TO DO!!!  I would sit Sir Steve down and we'd communicate and we'd make our own TTWD!!!  

AND then I'd be in the club again!!!  

Then I read a blog - and my world spiralled out of control.  I was in panic mode.  and I was angry.  I turned to willie.  I needed someone who might hear me - might see we (yeah yeah I was sure willie would react the same as I had) HAD to rescue her... she was in trouble - couldn't anyone see that??!!!  Willie quietly explained how she saw it.  It wasn't how I was seeing it.  My heart slowed down.  

BUT I still had problems - obeying someone?!!  Doing whatever they wanted??? no no no .. everyone had to see how wrong that was... so I asked my 2 questions.  BUT no one gave me examples of the rules I had had to obey.  I couldn't see any humiliation.  I couldn't see anyone being made to feel stupid.  WHAT?!!!  Then I calmed down more - and I realized it was my TPE hell that was colouring my reactions.  kind of a PTSD (though I hate using that term !)

Suddenly (ok ok it wasn't all THAT sudden) everything started to fall into place.  I could see our TTWD with clearer eyes.  I could see what it is that I like about it.. and the reason WHY I like it. 

Are you all still with me?? I really felt the need to explain why it has taken me so long to actually answer ronnie's question 'what's your favourite part of TTWD'? The pieces all had to fall into place and fit. and I believe that's where I am now.  Tomorrow I will finally answer ronnie's question!

Life is truly a continuing journey! 

Happy Me

 

 Last week I whispered to Sir Steve - asking - IF the stars all aligned - IF we could maybe have a full fun weekend.  He laughed and said it sounded like a plan....... BUT to be honest we've made 'fun' plans before and it didn't pan out... look at last weekend when we had car trouble........ le sigh... so yeah I didn't hold out much hope for a FULL weekend
(FULL - defined as play time and sex ......)

The other thing we've been discussing is play time and how it's not working well... bent over the bed has it's limitations.  Our bed is so high that bending over it means I am on tip toes...... and my feet slip ... and I'm always having to adjust... and I can get cramps in my legs or my toes... We decided - seeing as on weekends we are totally alone - to move play time to the living room...  standing bent over the back of the chair..... 

Saturday evening Sir Steve told me I had 30 minutes AND I was to pick 4 toys!!!  Talk about stress!!!  I'm to pick the toys??!!  HOW am I supposed to know what toys he wants??!!!  OH WAIT!  He wants it to be MY favourite toys!!!  wrap your head around that one - subbie morningstar!

I picked the crop....... the quirt....... the leather paddle........ and Sir Steve's BIG heavy flogger.

and oh my lord it was AMAZING!  endorphins galore!  adrenaline galore! pretty colours and dancing fairies !!!!  

Sunday was quietish - I cooked Easter dinner for the two of us  - lamb and roast potatoes if anyone really cares (grinning) And then curled up on the sofa to watch TV with my Sir........ except after I yawned... Sir Steve asked how I was - I said tired - he said - nope not allowed we're going to the bedroom!!

WHAT? Honest true??!!  play last night AND sex tonite?? (which truthfully is just more play for me! I keep saying it's a good thing I'm a masochist!)  AND for the record OMG it was fantastic!!  it's always good BUT ya know sometimes it's FANTASTIC!! 

More endorphins and more adrenaline!!!

Life is good when on Monday you have bruises on your ass and yeah on your cervix too :) 

A Little History

 

Many of you are new around The Journey - or missed some of MY history.  As some of you know I have been working on a follow up to our TTWD...... There is a draft I have been working on...... and I was thinking it would be ready to post this week.   BUT I am thinking that at least some of my back story should be posted now.......... 

I honestly didn't realize how much my history was affecting my now.....  There were some posts in blogland that were triggering a guttural reaction in me.... and I reached out to  willie.  She was great at guiding me through my own personal nightmares.. what I called my TPE (total power exchange) hell. So let me give you some of my history - hoping it might explain my future TTWD blog.

Many years ago when I first started to dabble in D/s - BDSM... I met a man.. just a man... and for whatever reason we started playing together... I enjoyed it... he enjoyed it... we started to explore D/s together.  It seemed a good pairing ya know - two people learning from square 1 together.  You'd think working together would create a bond / a TTWD relationship that fit both of us perfectly right??   

We moved from dabbling in D/s to full on TPE.  BUT at that time he wasn't living with me during the week - I was working .. he had responsibilities... it was only on weekends.  I realize and accept full responsibility for some of the damage ... not all but some.  Red flags should have been raised - but they weren't.  We went through some bumpy times - but eventually we did actually move from Quebec to Ontario...... and I retired from work.  We were now living 24/7 TPE ...  He got deep into my head... I was made to feel responsible for everything that went wrong - including how much snow we received (yeah yeah I know - how stupid could I be!!?? but I felt guilty)  He started making it awkward for me to see my family... he controlled who I talked to at munches/parties... he seemed to have no boundaries - often humiliating me in public.  

Honestly I didn't 'see' how bad things were.. how much *I* had disappeared.  I felt very isolated and very alone.  He would come and go as he pleased (as it turned out seeing other women  - playing with other women - lying to me and to others) 

Then friends in this new to me community banded together ......... they got me alone .. and they told me it was time I moved out - took my collar off and got free.  They told me bluntly what they thought of this man who was my Master... they offered any and all help to get me out - to get me safe.  Yes safe !!  that's how bad it was.  and I did it...... and it was hard.......... it nearly broke me.  I had to learn to live alone - to find my way and OMG it took so long!!  I landed up in the doctor's office a blubbering mess ... he got me into therapy.... it was a long long road back to normalcy.  I couldn't have done it without those friends .......... 

Did this man - this ex sir - disappear ? leave me alone? nope..... he would post on his blog his angst.. his anger towards me. He would mail me threatening letters... He tried demanding money from me...  It scared me.  It scared folks in the community who kept a close eye on me.  I didn't think I would ever be free ........ 

So I started to plan yet another move.  A move out of his city.... was looking westward .. my daughters weren't happy - they wanted me closer not further away.  

It was at this point that Sir Steve was on the edges of my life.... we were talking.... renewing our friendship.  He suggested I move to his city - move east  -- putting me less than an hour from both daughters.  It made sense..... closer to my family... much MUCH lower rents... so I found an apartment and moved.  I didn't give anyone - ANYONE - my contact information. (I have to add here that those friends who helped me - they knew how to contact me.. and some of them even came to visit - to check out how I was doing - small smile - they are GOOD friends)  I finally felt safe.  

Time passed.  I felt safer.   IF ex sir tried to post comments on here and they weren't appropriate I would simply delete them.  BUT being me - every once in a while I would allow a decent comment from him to be posted.  Then this ex sir went through a really rough patch. There was a serious episode this past year.... non BDSM related - but demonstrating yet again how lucky I was to be out of this relationship.  even still I tried to be a 'friend' to him.  (ok ok slap me upside the head!) I thought that perhaps we could now be just friends..  (ok ok slap me upside the head again!)  Cause this morning Fondles sent me a message telling me this ex sir had left a comment for me on HER blog!  WTF??!!! She described it as 'passive/aggressive'.  So things haven't changed.  not one bit. He's still trying to get to me - to push my buttons.

Thankfully I have Sir Steve.  This poor man probably has had more than he originally bargained for.... he has helped me heal .. he has helped me stand on my feet again.. to feel good enough... to feel special.. to feel loved. 

History is important to our stories....... it is what makes us who we are.... 

Happy Easter

 

 

 

 

My Easter Bunny name is ......"Smartie Sparkle Pop"
What's yours?