2013 word cloud

Drought

For the last month - maybe 6 weeks - there has been no outwardly sign of BDSM in this household.  Oh I still served him in all the ways I could think of - but for the most part we lived like roommates.

And W was right when he said that we couldn't seem to get on the same page - at the same time.  I would think to myself BUT if I am NOT in the mood and you are - why don't you just do it - whip my sorry ass - make me feel like you care.......... cause I am weird like that - if my ass is whipped I am loved - if my ass isn't whipped then I am not loved or wanted. Then I tie myself up in knots thinking W  has lost interest in me - I am not desirable enough - I am too old - I am a disappointment and oh lordie get me on that mantra and I quickly spiral totally out of control.  So yeah - if you are on the page - then drag me to the same page.  

Last night we had a BDSM holiday party to go to.  To say I was nervous - a basket case - a "I'm not sure I really want to go" sort of mood would be an understatement.  I had managed to get myself so far down the rabbit hole of self loathing??? ok ok maybe not self loathing - but definitely a "He doesn't want me anymore" state that I couldn't imagine a holiday party complete with whips and chains and floggers oh my !!

We shared a nice pot luck dinner with new and old friends and then W took me down to the dungeon.  That in itself was a nice start to the beating - as usually I am giving W puppy dog eyes waiting for him to decide it's time to play.  

As I stood by the cross with knees shaking and knots in my stomach in my bra and thongs, W looked up and commented on my thongs.  And to think I never thought he noticed my sexy underwear!!  

And then he started - from whips to floggers to whips again and leather straps and canes thrown in for good measure.  And when it was all over I got teary (again for the umpteenth time this season) and told him it had felt good - so very good!!  It was like he had righted my world - put it back on its axis.......... hell it even rid me of a headache that has been plaguing me for almost 2 weeks non stop !!

I am hoping last night was a tiny green shoot of hope poking through the cracked dry barren land that has become my life.......and that good things are in store for both us in 2014. 

 

What's next??

Well the decorations are all down (though not packed away yet - I HATE crawling into the crawl space to find the boxes and bags - le sigh)

I decided to take my Fetlife account and make it "dormant".  I really have had my fill of the nonsense there.  AND more than had my fill with folks telling me how old I am.  

I don't feel that I fit there - some days I wonder where do I fit??? (retirement adjustment I guess)

Tidying up - sorting out - throwing out - making ready for the new year I guess............

Home

We're home - again.  We managed to make it to Montreal on Christmas Eve - and I managed to get the Christmas Eve feast on the table at eldest daughter's house in time for youngest daughter and her menagerie to arrive at 4:00.  

The kids were cute - especially the youngest who opened each gift with a LOUD exclamation of "IT'S JUST WHAT I WANTED!!"  

After the gifts were opened and visiting was done - the young ones headed off home to wait for Santa Claus - and we old ones tidied up and I curled into bed exhausted.

Christmas day we headed off (late afternoon) to the youngest daughter's for our Christmas day feast............. feast of noise - feast of people - feast of food.

And it all felt out of sync and awkward - and I wondered what I was doing there........ and why I had thought this would work.

Yesterday we woke early - packed up the car and headed off to deliver some gifts to friends of W - then grab lunch at one of our favourite lil restaurants and then home.......... 

 The road was dark and dreary................ which pretty much matched my mood............

We started to see patches of sunlight the closer we got to Kingston........ and I thought the gods were glad to see us home................

(these pictures were taken with my cell phone through the car windows)

And finally we were home - safe and sound.

Today I sit and look at all the decorations around the house - think of all the hours I spent trying to create a little Christmas spirit here - and realize that 1) it didn't work and 2) it's time to put it all way - it's just sad now - not the least bit joyful or happy.

I have been seriously thinking this will be the last Christmas - very last christmas - spent trying to recreate memories that will never happen again.  
It's not a bad thing - to leave the glitter and excitement of Christmas and find a quiet peaceful life ............... just (shrug) it does feel like an era has ended - and I will miss it.

Merry Christmas - my card to you.......

May you all have a joyous Christmas - and may the New Year bring you health and happiness ..............

My Domly One

Yesterday W commented on my less than cheery blog ............

 "Hey, how am I suppose to play Scrooge to your Christmas Angel???

The cars are all cleaned off of that nasty ice. The packages have been wrapped ( well one might not be ) and ready to go...

So, find that old Christmas cheer or I might be forced to become the Christmas angel... WHAT AM I SAYING BAH HUMBUG see what happens!!!!"

I couldn't stop laughing - W as the Christmas Angel???? Not MY Scrooge and Grinch all rolled into one!!!

But then we went shopping (after W managed to get both cars unstuck and running) and he was being silly and let me take this picture of himself....................

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are off to Montreal - I'll try to post while we're away 

The Wheels Fell off.................

Christmas - for those of you who are new around here - or don't remember - is my all time favourite time of the year.  I am a big kid when it comes to Christmas.... from finding the right gifts for folks - to wrapping them - baking till the kitchen is bulging at the seams - Christmas music - Christmas smells - every single thing about Christmas I LOVE

Then this year came.  And I have had trouble finding the Christmas joie de vivre.  It has a lot to do with being retired and missing all my kiddies at school.  It has a lot to do with being 3 hours drive away from my own kids.  

And then of course add to that - W's sister dying and the mess/heart ache/stress that has caused for him.  

And then - joy oh joy - add to that almost 3 days this weekend of freezing rain and my world is a picture perfect block of ice.

And then last night I found out one of my new friends here in Kingston is in hospital with virile meningitis.

My spirits are about as low as they have ever been.  I don't know if I am gonna make it home for Christmas.  I don't even know if I can dredge up the tiniest bit of Christmas spirit.

I will go outside in a bit and try and shovel out the cars - try and scrape 4 inches of ice off them - try to get them to go............. try and find a way to Montreal.........but I have this sinking / sick feeling that my Christmas spirit just isn't coming this year........

Sunday Sentiments

and because I couldn't decide which one to use this morning - 
Here's another "Sunday Sentiment"

 

BDSM and Baking??

For many years I was an only child.  and I didn't exactly collect friends.  What I did learn was how to amuse myself.  How to play endless games of solitaire.  And read piles and piles of books.  And take pictures with my little Kodak brownie.  And to go for long long bike rides by myself.  And I learned to fantasize - to create this whole imaginary world where life was so much more interesting than real life.

Which probably explains why - as an adult - I have never had trouble living on my own - being by myself.  There was always solitaire and books and long drives down some highway (the bike long since put out to pasture)

Yesterday Hil left a comment on my baking blog saying "BDSM and baking........"  I had to go read the entry again.  I had written about BDSM???? no I hadn't.  I haven't written about BDSM in so long - some days I think I should take down the age appropriate label on the header. 

But this morning - running Hil's comment over again in my mind - I thought what I have with W IS BDSM - well D/s.  I serve him.  pointe finale.  BDSM doesn't have to be about beatings and face fucking and ropes or pain/sex in any form.  

I am getting pretty damn good at serving W - without any orders or tasks or chore lists.  I am pretty damn good at solitary activities.  and I guess most service subbie activities are pretty solitary.

The hardest part is staying grounded/centered - and sometimes (ok ok more times than I like) I can get 'lippy' and just a tad disrespectful - but the serving is always done.  The rest can become a work in progress.............. 

For now - I am just proud of the service subbie I have become...........

As promised.......

We were up at the crack of dawn today.  W headed out to Toronto by train (thank god  - considering we are suffering through freezing rain and snow and more freezing rain today)  to try and sort out (finally) his sister's body.  Get her released and sent down to us in Kingston.  

I was left at home - so I decided to put the time to good use and finish off the Christmas baking/decorating.  

AND I promised you guys pictures of the goodies........... 

Ready?? here we go..................


W's absolute favourite - scotch shortbread

My girls favourite - sandwich cookies - make a base cookie (I  use sugar cookies) then put favourite jam in the middle -

Then ice and decorate - btw - those are supposed to be holly - use your imagination!!

Then I made brown sugar and cinnamon cookies

Some snickerdoodles - square cause I packed them too tightly onto the cookie sheet

some one bite cupcakes 

and finally - I make homemade cinnamon bread for the family - but also as gifts for friends 

 
Now I am off to wrap up gifts.......... and then god willing I will be ready.............

 

Christmas is coming.....

I was deep in thought yesterday - thinking about Christmas - giving my inner spirit a little nudge to see if there was ANY Christmas spirit lurking in the deep dark recesses - and I realized that whether or not I have any Christmas spirit - Christmas is gonna come - ready or not here it is!!

Last week I got a text message from youngest daughter (who - for the record - LOVES Christmas - is a total Christmas nut). It was like a coded message no one else would get it - but "mom" did - and mom filled up with tears.  She wrote "Christmas is coming - the goose is getting fat - won't you put a penny in a poor man's hat - if you haven't got a penny a ha' penny will do - if you haven't got a ha' penny then god bless you".  When she was young I would sing that to her every week (sometimes every day) through Advent.  The song rolled around in my head for a little bit - then totally disappeared - POOF gone.  (kinda like my Christmas spirit)

When I was baking this week - I thought how I was really just going through the motions.... there was no Christmas joy to all this baking.  But Christmas WAS coming and the baking HAD to be done.................. 

Then last night I had my last photography class.  Just before I left I grabbed a Christmas CD and popped it in the player in the car.  (really there are no good radio stations here in Kingston - and certainly none I have found that play Christmas music)

We had the formal last class then teacher took us all downtown to photograph the Christmas lights - AND - she agreed to teach me how to freeze frame motion.  You do know what I am talking about - when you see all those photos of sports - where one figure is frozen in time and all the action around them is blurred - showing the motion the speed - the action.  I wanted to learn that.

I took the back roads to downtown (due to road closures) and found myself driving slowly over snow covered roads - soft snow flakes floating down - Christmas music softly playing - and down each dark street the Christmas lights brightened the way - glowing like magic in the darkness - each house offering some special sparkling moment of Christmas magic.

I spent about an hour in the minus freezing temperatures struggling with the freeze frame motion shots............ most didn't turn out - a couple sorta/kinda did - when my teacher came to speak to me - to see how it was going to check out my shots - it was like she woke me from a dream - I had been so immersed in the sparkling lights reflecting off the ice rink - so immersed in the skaters - the lovers - the magic of the moment.

And then - when the body couldn't handle the cold anymore - when my face was frozen into an ice mask - I made my way back to the car, dragging the camera bag and tripod.  I drove home along the same dark streets with the same Christmas lights sparkling - and as I turned into our lil street - my heart was glowing.  

Christmas IS coming - and it is starting to feel so very right!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For those of you who are interested in my learning curve in photography - here are my first efforts at freeze framing motion  - skaters at city hall.............

The tree behind City Hall at the corner of the skating rink.............

my first efforts at freeze motion photography 

 

just some ghosts skating past

Marks

Tonight is the last class of my photography - end of session 2 - which is also the end of the classes offered at the University.

I still hadn't received my marks from session 1........... which being me didn't make any sense.  How did I know if I was on target - getting it - or should I be taking remedial classes?? It really was weird to me,  Usually you need a pass in any 101 class to be able to move on to the 102's.  But not in this class.  Being me - it was driving me NUTS.

So this week I fired off an email to my instructor asking for my marks from 101.  She wrote back saying the college sent the marks out - and sometimes it took them a while to do it.  

Anyway - she did send on my class average............ 85%.  Ok not bad - I could live with that.  BUT what struck home the most were her comments about my work........

" I really appreciate the intensity of your vision and willingness to pursue it--it makes for very strong work.   Quite a bit of variety too.   I'd say, keep doing what you are doing." 

I guess I did ok eh?? who knew I had "vision" (though of course that could just mean I was totally off the mark and she was finding something nice to say - diplomatic - and politically correct)

So now I wonder - where do I go from here???? Everyone is suggesting I join Photograph clubs - take workshops at the local camera shops.  BUT seriously I just don't feel ready to jump out of the nest and fly solo yet............... 

Ahh well for now I still have Christmas baking to finish - cookies to decorate and presents to wrap - photography can wait till the new year.

Where am I???

Baking is where I am................ baking and baking and more baking.......

Details to follow - I promise !!  W is smiling btw - he's the official Christmas cookie tester.

Sunday Sentiments

Life is an Adventure

We went to Toronto yesterday to try and find some paperwork on W's sister - her birth certificate - some legal documents proving W is her brother - you see without them W can't claim his sister's body for burial.  This situation has been complicated by the fact the boyfriend died in the apartment,

The first part of our adventure started on the east side of Toronto where W met up with one of his sister's friends to pick up her purse, keys and wallet.  Then we drove downtown for a nice lunch at our favourite restaurant.  It was a bright sunny day and it all felt - ummmmmmm - fun - an adventure.
 
 Then we made our way to Northbound leather where W was able to purchase a beautiful pair of soft leather pants!!!  Something he has wanted for eons!!! AND he got them on sale - 50% off 

Then we headed off to his sister's apartment. (it is important to note that by now the sun was setting and it was getting dark and eery)   We had the keys - we knew the apartment number - so we just got on the elevator and went up to the apartment and let ourselves in.

Now we knew the boyfriend had committed suicide in the apartment - and we were forewarned it might not be a pretty sight............... and it wasn't.  I did a quick survey of the apartment.  I have never EVER seen such dirt - and poverty.  Every single room had paint peeling - off the walls - off the ceilings - paint bubbled and peeling......... awful - words just don't describe how wretched it looked and how it made me feel.   BUT I think what got to me the most was the smell.... sickly sweet.  and the stains - on the sofa - on the floor.... I shuddered but we had a job to do - find sister's papers.

We scoured the apartment from top to bottom - which wasn't too difficult - it was a pretty small apartment.  Everywhere we looked we found stuff for the boyfriend - but little if anything of importance for sister.  

I picked through papers - opened drawers and brief cases and rifled through papers - trying to find something .. anything........ but really found nothing.  NOTHING... do you understand we found nothing!  no birth certificate - no income tax returns - no bills - nothing!!  The more I looked and read - the more certain I became this was NOT sister's apartment but the boyfriend's ......... and the more that thought took hold - the more unnerved I became.  Some how it seemed ok to "break in" to her apartment - but it was something completely different when it was someone else's apartment.  She lived there - we know that - but only her body lived there - she didn't set down any roots there... didn't make it hers........ weird feeling that.

I finally turned on the computer - hoping against hope to find bank records on line... something................... but it appeared their internet service had been cut off....... there was nothing - except a couple of what I think were books he was writing.........

Reading snippets of them - I could hear his thoughts - right there on the screen in front of me... I started to (what do 
the kids say ?? ) freak out.  and yet I couldn't turn it off...

Finally I closed down the computer - W said it was time to leave...... I think I held my breath till we were out of there and safely back at our car.  W said "next stop............." as he punched in our address to the GPS and I filled up with tears.  I just wanted to come home.... safe to our lil home. I am not cut out for a life of "breaking and entering".  OR for seeing the sadness - loneliness of someone else's life.  It broke my heart. 
 

Friday Funnies

We're off to Toronto today - so here's a funny to make you smile.............(I hope)

Continuing Drama

Well it is Thursday today.  On Monday W did hear from one social worker  whose only interest was getting his sister's body moved asap.  (she was the hospital social worker)

On Tuesday W did manage to contact the Toronto social services who were supposed to look into the whole police thing as they (the police) have not bothered to contact W at all - despite emails - phone messages and two faxes in a pear tree  (tra la la la la).  He was also informed that the hospital had moved his sister's body - we can only assume to the morgue.    W was lead to believe that someone would contact him yesterday - Wednesday -  with information about the apartment and our gaining access to it.

Because you see - W needs a whole mess of paperwork - like a birth certificate - to be able to claim his sister's body.  Remember this is the sister who cut ties 30 years ago........ we are supposed to know where her birth certificate is??!!! (fingers crossed it is in the apartment with her other papers)  

IF W can retrieve the needed paperwork from the apartment - the Toronto social worker says she can transfer the file to Kingston and we can work from here to get the body transferred and buried without another trip to Toronto (now that would be very nice indeed)

So tomorrow we are heading up to Toronto.  W had scheduled a trip up there earlier this month.  Northbound leather is having a big sale on leather pants and kilts - and he wanted to see if he could purchase either a kilt or leather pants.  We will simply add a trip to the apartment (god willing) into our day.


On a brighter more Christmasy note - yesterday we were out running messages - and found this cute lil reindeer and real Christmas tree in Costco.  

I don't know why - but he reminded me of the "Elf on the Shelf" that I bought the grand kids a few years back.  So we picked him up and brought him home - and he now sits center stage on the dining room table..........he makes me smile - and smiling is always a good thing!!!   
 

Wednesday Wit

Christmas Corners

Welcome!  Welcome!!!  Come in and see our Christmas decorations ....................

This Santa is the new one W bought this year - he greets everyone who comes in the front door  (the Santa that is - not W)

These are W's stand alone Grinches - there are many more on the tree...........

Unfortunately I didn't take any close ups of  the Grinches in the tree..........

I am so glad we have a fireplace in our lil home - I LOVE a garland around the fireplace during the holiday season..............

 Here is the new garland W bought me to wrap around the stairs going to the bedrooms... the lights change from white to multi-coloured - and everything in between - about the only thing they don't do is play Christmas music :)

 Here are some of my favourite individual decorations...........

Time to go??  so soon??  You'll have to come back on "baking day"

On your way out - come see my reindeer family outside - and the lights in the windows..... 

And just for a touch of artistic flair ..... this is light painting with the reindeer. 

 
Happy Holidays - see you again soon.............. 

I didn't know what to name today's blog............ it's not really even my story to tell.........but it impacts W therefore it impacts me............... 

Let me start at the beginning and be as concise as possible..........

W had a sister.  She broke all ties with the family over 30 years ago.  Just walked out the door and disappeared.  No one - not his parents or him - knew where she was.  Oh W had an idea - but no one really knew.  AND no one heard from her - for 30 years.

Then about a year ago W got a message from his sister on facebook.  We both looked at each other and thought (if not said) she's come looking for money.  But money was never mentioned - she wanted "to touch base".  So W told her both of their parents had died.  He had moved to Kingston - she didn't share much - mostly just that she was living in Toronto.

The messages between them were pretty sporadic.  Then in September I think it was - she wrote to W and asked for money.  She said she had cancer - needed to have surgery in December and couldn't have the surgery/treatment unless she had money - a lot of money.  W questioned her on this.......... we do after all have free health care.  Turned out she had debts to pay. 

W did a lot of soul searching.  He offered her a generous amount (not what she wanted - but still !!)  and she got a little pissy - laid on a guilt trip - and W stuck to his guns.... this was what he was willing/ could afford to give her.  Finally he sent her a cheque for the amount he promised.

She cashed the cheque - BUT - he never heard from her - not even a thank you.

That was about a week ago.  On Friday night we came home from a Christmas munch and there was a message on the machine.  Some woman in Toronto had called....turned out she was a friend of W's sister.  She had called to say W's sister had died on Friday...with no will.

She never had surgery - or treatments - she went into palliative care in December.

To make matters worse - she had a partner - who - according to this friend - committed suicide on Tuesday in their apartment and the police had sealed the apartment.

Saturday W got in touch with the hospital and the police.  W is still waiting to hear from both of them............... that in itself throws me.  Hospitals that don't respond to "next of kin"??? Police can't find a few minutes to answer questions???

We have no idea what we do now. We sat and waited all weekend.  We don't do well with sit and wait.

Please keep us in your thoughts - this looks like it could be a rough week.

Christmas Sentiments

Uphill Battle

Last evening was the Christmas munch for our area.  Now to me that says "SPECIAL" munch..... to me that says "bring on the MERRY"

So I dressed in black pants with a red sweater - found my Santa Hat and Santa Coat - found a big cow bell and tied a pretty red ribbon on it.  I was set to go.

W looked at me like I had a screw loose.  Our friend (whom we were driving) sorta laughed uncomfortably.  I didn't let it deter me (much)   

IT'S CHRISTMAS FOLKS!!!

So off we went,

I am here to report that Kingston is definitely the BAH HUMBUG capital of the world.  Most of the attendees looked at me like I had a screw loose.  The drunks at the pub were the only ones who kinda got it.............though I am wondering if they even remember the Santa this morning............

I am fighting an uphill battle it would seem - to bring some Christmas Spirit to this part of the world.


I am beginning to wonder if I have it in me - to fight the good fight of Christmas.......... it may be - by the end of this first Christmas, that I too will be saying 'bah humbug' and mooning the whole happy season.

Call me "old-fashioned"

There has been an ongoing discussion over on Fetlife for ever and ever about cock pictures... and I am not talking roosters.  I have received my share of them over the years and have usually fired back some ball shrinking nasty comment (cause I am like that)  What I have noticed is that it appears to be only the women who get upset by these pictures -weird eh?

But along with cock pictures being privately sent out (some not so private I agree) there are multitudes of pictures of women's breasts and female pink bits.  Hell I have posted one or two pics of my ass with marks (though not on Fet - mostly here)  

Anyway yesterday I stumbled across a picture cause so many of my "friends" were liking it............... it was a picture of a female with only a thong on - legs spread wide - leaving nothing - and I do mean NOTHING - to the imagination.  There were many comments from males (and a couple of females) suggesting what they would like to do in that region of her body.  

The sex is not just online either.  At public play parties I have seen (with my very own eyes) two males engaging in anal sex literally in the middle of the room.... I have seen more blow jobs than I care to remember ... I watched as a woman was finger fucking/teasing another woman over her lap - when the "doer" got called away she simply flipped the woman off her knee and onto someone else's to be "finished up"
In my opinion - and I will repeat that in case anyone missed it - IN MY OPINION - public play parties now are just one big sexual orgy,

Ok now put that thought aside for a moment - and let's look at another issue that has raised it's ugly head............

There has been an increase (on my feed anyway) of journal entries that discuss abuse and inappropriate behaviour during play sessions.  Many people are getting all bent out of shape about it.. there have been accusations against "leaders of communities" and just your average joe blow.   There have been an increasing number of cries to arms - to do something to protect the poor lil subbies who are being taken advantage of......... 

Now at the risk of sounding like I am "blaming the victim"  I need to play devil's advocate for just one minute here...................... 

Imagine being new to BDSM - joining Fetlife reading and looking at pictures - trying to figure out what this thing - this BDSM - is all about - imagine what this newbie is seeing and learning...................


Now this newbie goes to his/her first public play party.  They stand and watch the goings on............. they see nudity and people groping each other and "getting it on" (is that expression still used??!!)  What definition of BDSM - what conclusions are they going to come to???

I have heard "educators" and "demonstrators" say - "if it isn't sensual or sexual no one's gonna want to watch".

And so it isn't just the newbies who are getting mixed messages (again IN MY OPINION) everyone is.  If it isn't about sex - about blow jobs and anal hooks and fucking then it isn't any fun at all.

I disagree. (obviously)

The very first elaborate rope scene I watched - involved a woman in bra and panties being woven into a huge "spider web".  There was no sexual touching - no sensual behaviours - hinted at - or blatantly exhibited.  Yet that scene held my attention - mesmerized me.  It showed me what / how rope could be a thing of beauty.

 I am afraid I don't have a whole mess of sympathy for the Doms and subs alike who write long rants about how they have been taken advantage of / had their scenes ruined by some groper.  SHRUG........... if you are gonna sell BDSM as a sexual encounter you have to expect this sort of behaviour.

I am old fashioned - and I do know where to draw the line which probably makes me no fun in many people's eyes.  But I don't much care - I don't see BDSM as a popularity contest - OR a sex orgy - not then - not now - not EVER.

My Very Own Grumpy Cat

Miss Ashes was NOT impressed with her Christmas outfit.  BUT she did earn some catnip for suffering the indignity of it all