Sunday, December 29, 2013
For the last month - maybe 6 weeks - there has been no outwardly sign of BDSM in this household. Oh I still served him in all the ways I could think of - but for the most part we lived like roommates.
And W was right when he said that we couldn't seem to get on the same page - at the same time. I would think to myself BUT if I am NOT in the mood and you are - why don't you just do it - whip my sorry ass - make me feel like you care.......... cause I am weird like that - if my ass is whipped I am loved - if my ass isn't whipped then I am not loved or wanted. Then I tie myself up in knots thinking W has lost interest in me - I am not desirable enough - I am too old - I am a disappointment and oh lordie get me on that mantra and I quickly spiral totally out of control. So yeah - if you are on the page - then drag me to the same page.
Last night we had a BDSM holiday party to go to. To say I was nervous - a basket case - a "I'm not sure I really want to go" sort of mood would be an understatement. I had managed to get myself so far down the rabbit hole of self loathing??? ok ok maybe not self loathing - but definitely a "He doesn't want me anymore" state that I couldn't imagine a holiday party complete with whips and chains and floggers oh my !!
We shared a nice pot luck dinner with new and old friends and then W took me down to the dungeon. That in itself was a nice start to the beating - as usually I am giving W puppy dog eyes waiting for him to decide it's time to play.
As I stood by the cross with knees shaking and knots in my stomach in my bra and thongs, W looked up and commented on my thongs. And to think I never thought he noticed my sexy underwear!!
And then he started - from whips to floggers to whips again and leather straps and canes thrown in for good measure. And when it was all over I got teary (again for the umpteenth time this season) and told him it had felt good - so very good!! It was like he had righted my world - put it back on its axis.......... hell it even rid me of a headache that has been plaguing me for almost 2 weeks non stop !!
I am hoping last night was a tiny green shoot of hope poking through the cracked dry barren land that has become my life.......and that good things are in store for both us in 2014.