Dress to impress?

One of the problems I have always had about going to play parties - is the dress code.. or as I like to put it ... dressing to impress.  

I am always amazed at the wardrobes people have for kinky play parties.   I don't think I ever see anyone wearing the same outfit twice.  The other problem I have is most of the outfits are daring and reveal a whole lot more than I am comfortable revealing.  (which is pretty stupid seeing as I can - from time to time - land up virtually naked during a scene - and after wards - until I get my feet under me again and my brain working) But there you have it......... I am a prude of the worst sort.

I am most comfortable wearing a corset with a long skirt.  

But right now I have exactly one corset that fits and one long skirt that doesn't fit .  

I do however have a black leather (nice soft kid leather) halter dress that I bought late last summer when I was losing weight ...... slowly.  Unfortunately the dress was still too small so I hung it in my cupboard until the day came when I could wear it.

Well we have another play party we are going to this weekend........ and so I pulled the leather dress out and tried it on.  It fits ok.......... yeah just ok.......... it is a wee bit big in the bust and fits fine over my hips.  

I also don't much like wearing just black - I think I look like a corpse ....... or boring.. or something less than flattering.

Oh I found a very close facsimile of the dress on the net................ 

I have decided to wear it ... despite it's being a bit big across the top....... but I have also decided to dress it up a little bit............ 

I have white cuffs I am gonna add ........ wear white fish net stockings.... and knee high leather boots........... oh yeah and a pair of white thongs underneath.  I know the knee high black leather boots are gonna land me in trouble - seeing as submissives don't usually wear them - female dommes do - sigh - here I go again.......... But I hope to be able to carry it all off with confidence and a splash of "je ne sais quoi".  (I'll let you all know how it goes afterwards - promise!!)

Just Happy to see me??

All the talk yesterday about my dominant characteristics has been playing on my mind.  I had come to the conclusion it really wouldn't be very difficult to dominate a male - depending on - of course - what he expected from me.  And I even toyed with the idea of how much fun it might be.

From time to time at the clubs I have seen males wearing chastity devices.  I was fascinated by them..........but being me I didn't like to stare .......... so I never got a really good look.  Nor - to be honest - did I understand the point.  I mean if you are gonna play with someone it is nice to know you are "pleasing" them.  And how can you tell if your male sub is enjoying himself if there is no erection to admire???

For those of you who have never seen a male chastity device I went looking for some pics...........

Once on - it has a nice tidy look about it.........dontcha think?

Ok -  the whole point of these ramblings..............

Yesterday we went to drakor's for coffee.  He had tried negotiating how long he would stay naked after we arrived.  Well ya know (cheeky grin) if he is such a good slave - he really shouldn't try negotiating anything.  So I had made up my mind to leave him naked until I was good and ready to send him to get dressed.  (I do love to watch him squirm)


However - when I arrived - and he greeted me at the door.  I noticed (it was hard not to) that he had a small drip of precum dangling from the head of his wee tiny penis.  All I could think was "ewwwwwwww............ guess you are glad to see me!"


And immediately decided THAT was why I couldn't dom a male...... drippy dangly bits.


This morning I was fantasizing and realized IF I ever did dominate a male I would make sure he had a nice lil chastity device on at all times.  Then I wouldn't be exposed to those drippy dangly bits!!!


Women really do have much nicer private bits - we keep our excitement to ourselves !!!!

Dominant traits

This morning there were a few emails back and forth between Warren myself and our friend drakor.  (we are meeting at drakor's for coffee this afternoon)

I don't know - one thing led to another and it came up that drakor was wondering if he should be naked or not.  I was feeling feisty and fired back a couple of emails re his lack of clothing and how there was nothing there to upset anyone.

Then off I went to the island to visit my preschool.  While I was gone drakor and Warren were busy emailing back and forth - knowing full well I wouldn't read it till I got home.  Both of them were feeling rather "safe" I am thinking.

Also drakor managed to bang out a blog entry where he discussed my dominant traits.

He made me smile - because the description made me reminisce and I realized that during those times that he sees the dom in me - I am usually using my "teacher persona" or my "cross mom" persona.

There have been more than a few times at play parties where submissives who don't know me have knelt in front of me (when being introduced) and gone to kiss my hand.  It always makes me very uncomfortable... and wondering what the hell I did to encourage such "devotion"   The worst time  was when a Dominant accidentally stepped on my toe and he immediately fell to his knees and apologized profusely - making an effort to kiss my foot.  I nearly slapped him (no dominant bones in this body!!)  What was wrong with these people??!!!

I have come to the conclusion that the teacher/mom persona never leaves me.  I portray an image that I honestly don't see.    And most definitely won't be anything I change any time soon..... I am who I am...just a  tough old bird !

Patience

I was told - while I was in hospital - that I was going to get better but that I would have to be patient.  

The doctor wasn't joking.

I just heard that my appointment with the next specialist is JUNE 8th!!!???

I am hoping against hope that the new diet and pills my family doctor has put me on will work and I can limp along to June.  Sometimes life can be very frustrating!

( limps along......muttering patience .. patience.. patience)

Bitter cold

The sky is a bright blue this morning - there is hardly a cloud in the sky - the sun is shining in the living room - and Miss Ashes has curled up in a sunbeam fast asleep.  Warren and I were watching the Sunday News before he headed home.  I found myself getting drowsy (lazy might be a more accurate description) in the sunshine.  

So when Warren got up to leave - I decided to pull on some jeans and a turtle neck and go for a long walk with my camera.  After all how cold could it be??!!!

I headed off with confidence - though it was a bit nippy.  I took the back paths strolling along enjoying the sunshine and the cool nip of the wind on my cheeks.  I remember even thinking 'I will have rosy cheeks when I get home'.  

I walked and walked until I came out the other side of the complex on the main road.  I headed north and then west - heading home.  I figured I had walked far enough for my first major outing.......... and besides I wanted/needed a second cup of coffee.  

As I turned west - the wind bit into my face.  Stupid me.. that brisk wind that had been on my back all the way out - was now a deep freeze winter gale blowing in my face!!

I have never been so happy to see my lil condo.  My nose was dripping - my ears were burning but yes I have rosy cheeks.  I checked - I had walked for 30 minutes - not bad for my first jaunt.  

Now I will curl up in the sunbeam - enjoy it's warmth and feel lazy without a guilty conscience !!

Munches

Warren and I planned to go to a munch last evening...... for those of you unclear on the term munch - it is a get together of like minded people.  So in this case an event was listed on Fetlife announcing the time and place, and anyone interested can attend.

As the munches today seem to involve drinking and no food....... Warren and I decided to go into town early and have a quiet dinner together at a little restaurant.  We had a delightful dinner  - quiet time together which is so nice in this busy world.   Then off to the munch

It was listed as starting at 7 - we arrived at 7:15 (a tad early but still) and the organisers weren't even there!

The evening for the most part went downhill from there.  At one point I honestly felt I was back in high school with the "in crowd" and the clicks.  I was mingling..... and noticed a young chap standing by himself at the bar just staring off into space.  

I went over a started a conversation with him..... Warren soon joined me... and the three us enjoyed an hour's long conversation about the lifestyle .. and life in general.  It turns out he was really new to the lifestyle - only joining Fetlife a week ago.  He told us that he had given it an hour and if things hadn't improved he was gonna slip out and (in my opinion) brand the lifestyle folks as snobbish and unwelcoming.  

It made me question why hold a munch if you aren't going to play host and at least make sure folks are introduced to one or two other folks.  Why was it this young chap managed to get in... be there for close to an hour and didn't even know who the host was??!!!  Honestly I find that shameful.


Warren and I headed off to home around 11:30 with me wondering how soon I will venture out to another munch.

Stupidity

Ok so the plan my family doctor and I came up with on Wednesday went like this.. a new diet to follow (like no dairy - logical right??? first thing you learn about diarrhea is cut out dairy - however no one at the hospital seemed to know that one!!)  some new pills to swallow and to return to work part time - mornings only for a couple of weeks.

This plan would keep me on insurance - so if things went south again I would still get paid.  It made perfect sense to me.

So I called Human Resources - explained the situation.... and waited for them to form a committee and come to a conclusion on this plan.

So late yesterday afternoon I got a call from HR.  They decided that I couldn't return 'progressively' to work.  They suggested I stay home until such time as I am "cured"  Yeah right......... 


So for now I am home 

Now I need a new plan....... cause on my good days I get so damn bored sitting around the house.  

One thought I had - 
this morning I was wondering around blog land and came across a blog called 365... basically the idea is to take a picture a day from something in your day.  (follow that??)  So I am thinking I will start dragging my camera around with me and seriously start taking pictures and working on my photography....... so watch the lists for a new link called 365 - and you can check out my picture taking ability (which hopefully will improve over the year)

Another thought I had -
I love this new body of mine.. and have lost another 1/2 inch off my hips ... spring is around the corner - teasing us with the odd mild day - so maybe it is time to get off my ass and get out there and start walking with purpose. 

So there you have it...... 'when life hands you lemons' blah blah blah...... my new life plan.

Teary Moment

I don't how many of you remember how my cat baby squirt got sick when I came home from hospital or how I had to put him down 5 days later.  

About a week later Miss Ashes went berserk at the patio door..... meowing, climbing the door then running to the living room window and back to the patio door.  I had to get up and see what was unnerving her.  She doesn't usually react to the squirrels or dogs or cats that wander by.  Outside my patio door was a cat that looked exactly like squirt.  It was unnerving even for me.  (we still see him around - but he doesn't stop on the patio anymore)


Then today I received an envelope from the Vet's office.  The immediate thought I had was that it was a statement of my bill or maybe even another bill for something.  


I opened it to find a sympathy letter from the staff at the office........ and included was a foot print from squirt...........

I can't decide if it is a wonderful gift or not.  I do know I cried harder over that lil footprint than I did when I said goodbye


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Health update:


My doctor decided I wasn't strong enough to go back to work full time come Monday.  So right now I am waiting for a judgment from Human Resources - as the final papers have already been processed.

Fitting the pieces together

I couldn't believe how many thoughtful comments were left on yesterday's blog!!  I guess at first I was just really surprised I didn't have the die hard M/s people jumping all over me. 

I have read all the comments - and they make so much sense - now if we could just figure out how to put all the pieces together to make a perfect fit for us.  And maybe I am expecting too much - wanting all the pieces in place permanently - NOW.  Maybe I should see this more as a work in progress.  

I think the one thing that is bothering me most is that this is just my side of the story.. how I am feeling........ I really need Warren to give me some feed back - because for all my musings - if it is not going to fit / suit his needs then there is no point in any of this musing - is there?

As the saying goes "Rome wasn't built in a day" ........... but then I am not known as the most patient person...... sigh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Health update


This week has not been a good week.  My own doctor is back from holidays so I called her this morning - just a tad frantic.  She is going to see me at the end of the day.  I just hope she has some plan of attack I can't keep on like this

Polite???

After I posted yesterday I was expecting at least a few nay sayers... a few people who would take exception to what I had written.  After all - it is a bit revolutionary for a submissive to say she felt lost or invisible in a D/s relationship.

But not one nay sayer....... I am guessing most of my readers were brought up with Mother's words ringing in their ears "If you don't have something nice to say - then don't say anything at all".

The problem I am facing now....... thanks to an email from Warren last evening .... is to try and describe what a 'bottom' looks like, acts like, differs from a submissive.  How will this affect Warren - how will it work???

And truthfully folks - I am still unclear on those questions.  I kinda sorta have a picture in my head - but that picture doesn't translate into words........ 

At least not yet.

walk about

I have had a nagging thought for the last few months...... a gut feeling....... nothing I could really put my finger on.... and certainly nothing I could prove.

Last March when I walked away from Sir... just turned my back on everything that had been me for almost 10 years - no one really understood.  To be perfectly honest I don't think even I fully understood.  I just knew I had to run.  I felt very alone.


Since I have started coming back..... I have heard whispers - just whispers - of others feeling lost ... of others scrambling to keep from running away.


Over these last 2 weeks at home I have had loads of time on my hands and so I have done a bit of a "walk about" through blogs I don't normally read - new ones - old forgotten ones.

And I keep bumping into the same under current.......... slaves/submissives who are angry or unhappy or confused ....... some are brave enough to say they feel lost.  Words like "invisible" "stranger" keep coming back time and time again.

On Saturday evening I spoke with a female Dom that I know and like and admire.  She has been pretty invisible recently - not attending events - not posting.  She tried to explain to me what was happening.......... what I understood was that she felt like she had lost who she was in the dynamics of BDSM.

Warren and I have often wondered what happened to folks we knew who just disappeared - went "poof" - from the community.  We have heard rumors of people who left the lifestyle.

The niggling thoughts/feelings I had back in March - and through the summer have solidified a little bit.  I think that sometimes we let BDSM swallow us up whole.  We loose our identities in trying to be the best Dominant/submissive/slave that we can.  We try too hard to prove ourselves to the real life community and to the virtual community.  And in doing so we loose our true selves.


I also believe that when one is a strong person - this loosing one's true identity can work for a little while - but then something happens.  I am not entirely sure what IT is that happens.  But it is like an internal revolt.  The strong independent soul breaks with the submissive soul - and havoc reigns.  A psyche broken in two.  And the pain that can cause is heart rending.  (for all involved)


In May last year I tried bottoming ......... and I loved it.  It fulfilled the need for pain.  But unfortunately it didn't fulfill my need for companionship and intimacy and romance.  


In September Warren and I decided to try it again.......... as friends........ then it evolved to dating partners.  And this weekend it evolved yet again to Sir and bottom.  


I don't believe I can ever .. EVER...... go back to being a submissive/slave.  Following silly orders and protocols that are only a measure for others of how good a submissive I am .. how good a Dominant Warren is.  


I have to wonder IF this BDSM lifestyle is something that most of the population can maintain for any length of time.  Because I have a feeling that at one point or another someone is going to land up feeling lost invisible and hurt.

As requested

I had a request for pics of my outfit for the party..

Now you are not gonna get to see the black garter belt or the black stockings.. because I discovered  - much to my dismay - that the garter belt - like the skirt - would not stay up - but unlike the skirt - I couldn't pleat it or tuck it under the corset to keep it up - so I wore stay up stockings.

Anyway - here is a pic of my outfit for last night................

Now ....... as I was driving over to Warren's house yesterday I wondered if maybe we could try a little play - a crop or a whip.... I played around in my head with how it would feel... would I run screaming??? or would it feel like a comfy slipper??? 

Before we headed out to the fund raiser... I asked Warren if we could bring a couple of toys - not the whole bag... just a couple of favourites.   And if the mood was just right.. and the stars were aligned just right.. maybe.. just maybe we could play??? Warren seemed pleased - enthusiastic even.  So we brought the circus whip and the crop and headed off to the party.

The party started slow....... and suddenly it hit me .. if we didn't play soon then we probably wouldn't play at all... so I turned to Warren and asked if we could try ....... and we did.... 

I'll skip most of the details .... cause they aren't that important... and all of you have read  the details of a scene ad nauseum here..  Warren said we never really got past a warm up - before I said "enough"....... and maybe it was no more than a warm up.... hopefully my levels of pain tolerance will return..... and maybe they won't...... I just know that for last night that was all I could take. 

Anyway..... Warren took a picture of me up against the "ladder" equipment ..... that is sort of arty farty and I thought I would share it with you......

All in all it was a fun time

Tenative step forward

Today I am going to take my first step forward back into my old life.  Granted it is only a tentative step.... but still it is a step forward.

Our BDSM community is holding a fund raiser this evening.  Warren mentioned it earlier this week... it started a longing in my soul.  But I was scared  - I haven't been planning ahead because I never know if I will have a good day or not.  But yesterday was a good day....... it seemed a strong possibility that Warren and I would be able to go ......... 

Only problem I had was what in god's name was I going to wear.  Trust me when I say all my old fet clothes are too big.. I tried on a corset - my favourite - but even tied tight - shut tight - it was still way too big.

I rummaged through my fet drawer and found 2 corsets I have never worn.. bought on speculation that one day I would lose the weight.  The day has come.  I tried the oriential red one on first........ but no it is still too small....... 

Then i laced up the black and gold one...... and oh my lord it fits !!!
Next I pulled out of my cupboard my "swishy" long black skirt...... i pulled it on and zipped it up... let go and it quite literally fell down.  sigh  Then I had a bright idea... I pulled it back up .... and pulled the corset down over the waist of the skirt...let go .. et voila !!!  the corset held it in place!!! I walked around .. I twirled .. I sat and stood.. and it stayed in place.


My outfit was settled - I'll add a black garter belt.. some black lace stockings and black leather boots and I will be ready to take those first tentative steps.


Oh yeah...... and I did look in the mirror and had the same reaction I had at the clothing store.. Who the hell is that??!!!  


So tonite Warren and I are off to the fund raiser.. I'll get to meet up with some old friends and hopefully make some new ones.  Whatever else happens - is left to the gods... (and my body)

Something different

I was thinking this morning - as I sat down to write this blog entry - my blog is as up and down as my days/moods......one day happy - one day bitchy.  Well this is my life (as it is now) so hang on... it would appear it has been (and probably will be) a bumpy ride.

A few days ago I posted something about not shaving since December/January (who can remember) and how I thought I might be ready to get back to it.  Warren suggested that I just use scissors and trim it down.  

I thought 'what a good idea' ......... and immediately went and found the first pair of scissors I could find....

which I did.  And proceeded to try and trim my pubic hair.  I honestly don't know what I was thinking using such huge scissors - I'd get the job done faster??? Well in a way I did... after a few minutes I wasn't watching what I was doing and went snip - only to discover I had some skin tucked into the points of the scissors.  Can I say OUCH???!!!  Needless to say that ended the trimming session.


I asked Warren if he would shave me again......at least the first time........ and he said sure the next time he was over.


Well yesterday Warren had a night meeting close to the condo.  So he suggested he could come over in the afternoon - get the shaving done - then we could go out for supper before his meeting.  


He arrived about 2:30ish ......... I had all the shaving stuff ready for him in the bedroom - including the pillows to lay my ass on (it helps to elevate it to do a good job) and the towel draped over the pillows to catch the dripping water and shaving cream.


It was a bit uncomfortable lying with my ass elevated - I keep discovering how many muscles are 'out of shape' and my back muscles are no exception.  But I managed to hold still for the half hour it took to trim and shave that mess of hair - and only at the end started to sigh and then huff and puff and finally ask if he was almost done cause my back was !!!


I didn't 'explore' the freshly shaven pussy...... I couldn't wait to get upright and stretch out my back.  So it was later last night (actually around 1 a.m. when I woke up ) that my hands slid down and ran over the smoothly shaven skin.  It felt so fresh and clean - I never find it 'sexy' per say..... I just love the feel of smooth skin.  


So there I am wide awake at 1 a.m.  (sleeping is still a problem) and I was tossing and turning and getting more angry with myself - BECAUSE - this was sleeping time - not awake time!!  When I had the bright idea to bring out the hitachi.  In the past a little masturbation session usually lulled me into that nice quiet soft place where sleep slides in unnoticed.

I am here to say it has been over 3 months since I used the hitachi - hell I had to clean the dust off it before I could use it - and plug it in - batteries dead as a door nail!  I was a little nervous - not sure if it would hurt - if it would work - was I still alive??? 

So I started on the lowest setting and just sort of rolled it around experimenting to see if any part of my body reacted positively.  It took a while - but eventually I started to feel the slow soft stirrings in my lower belly.  So I cranked that sucker up to max ........... and WOW........... zero to sixty in 30 seconds !!!  


I don't even remember getting into that nice soft peaceful place where sleep just slides in unnoticed.  I do know I woke up this morning lying on top of the hitachi - wondering why my back hurt!!!!


Another step taken towards full healing 
and my old wiggle my ass self !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am trying something different today as well.......viemoira is doing a Non Fiction Friday thing every week.  I have entered this blog entry in her 'contest'  If you want more information on Non Fiction Friday there is a button on the side (yes the one with the boobs) that you can click and go read for yourself!!

Fed up!!

I am fed up.  plain and simple.  FED UP!!!

For months I suffered with pain and bland diets ... and I kept holding on for the operation that would "fix" me.  

Now here I am 8 weeks post-op and I am still suffering from pain and finding myself retreating back to the bland diet.  I didn't think it would be this way.  Every time I try to introduce some food of interest - I land up flat on my back (or in the bathroom) dying from the pain in my gut.  

And it's not enough that I have to watch foods that might irritate my bowels - but also foods that might irritate my liver  and I am fast discovering they are not the same type of food. 

I have kinda reached the ENOUGH ALREADY point!!!!

I am fed up with having some good days and some bad days... I want more good days.. I want the majority of days to be good.... but that's not what's happening.. I seem to have one good day and one bad day and one in between day.  

I have kinda reached the ENOUGH ALREADY point !!!

I can't plan ahead - because god only knows if it will be a good day or a bad day (the in between days are manageable days - I just drag my ass on those days)  

I have kinda reached the ENOUGH ALREADY point !!!

And remember those cool small clothes I bought the other day?? Well I wore the black jeans yesterday and discovered something I hadn't thought of......... by mid afternoon (most days) my belly bloats up...... so needless to say by mid afternoon yesterday my new small black jeans were too tight .. and uncomfortable... and I nearly cried as I stripped them off and pulled on loose fitting pants.  How can I go back to work when I can't stand wearing clothes by mid afternoon??

I called the surgeon's office yesterday.  They are supposed to be referring me to another specialist and they have to make the appointment.  I hadn't heard diddly squat from them since last Thursday - so I called.  They can't reach the specialist!!!!  They hope to have reached him by next week - or the week after.  God only knows when I will get to see him - as his appointments are now being booked in May/June.

I have kinda reached the ENOUGH ALREADY point !!!

So now I will take my pity party off line... (today is one of those in between days) ... and try and pull myself together.  Warren is coming over this afternoon and we plan on having dinner together before he heads off to a meeting.  I really need to have a better attitude - I am sure he's as fed up with this as I am.
.  

Who is THAT???

I have always had a problem with clothes shopping..... I like my clothes BIG.... Oh there are a whole lot of reasons for that.. a therapist would has had a hay day working on that little problem........ but there comes a point when big clothes are too big.

And I had reached that point when I came out of hospital.  One of the frustrating things for me - in the summer I invested (and anyone who has bought a bra lately knows exactly what I mean by "investing") in 2 new bras.  They were (yes I am gonna tell you!!) a 44D.  But since I have started strapping them on again - I realize they were way tooo big.  And my underpants were ready for suspenders to keep them up.  


So off I went yesterday to buy some new underwear.  


I started with bras - and actually succumbed to the pressure from the salesgirl to measure me (I hate the personal attention one gets at lingerie shops) BUT I realized I had no idea what size I was now..... so I sucked it up and let her measure away.  No wonder my new bras are collapsing... I am now a 40C.  So I got my new bra.  Panties too.. they were easy I knew my hip size.


Then I decided if I am going back to work in a week and a half I probably should get a pair or two of new trousers..... and a top or two.  (Holding my pants up with one hand while trying to work with children is not the best working conditions!!)


I had a couple of pairs of pants in my hand when the salesgirl asked me what size I thought I was.  (re-read the joke above) She frowned at me and said I needed a much smaller size than what I had in my hand.  I looked at her like she had a screw loose - or two.   BUT I let her pick the sizes.......for the pants and the tops.  I figured ok... I will try them on and then go bigger.


The first thing I tried on were a pair of black jeans - and a cute lil top.  Oh and you should know that I don't look at mirrors too much - I never much liked what I saw I guess.  


I walked out of the changing room turned to my left and walked towards the mirror at the end of the hallway.  I was looking and looking and kept thinking "Who is that??!!"  It just didn't look like me.  The salesgirl was standing behind me grinning from ear to ear.  And for the first time (I think - ever!!)  I believed her when she said "that looks great on you!!"


For those of you curious I have dropped from a 2X to a size 16!!  


I left the shop with those black jeans and a pair of grey dress pants and 3 tops.  


Today I am gonna clean up all those BIG clothes and store them away in the back of a closet..... and proudly hang my new clothes.  I think for the first time ever I am happy in my skin ... can look in a mirror.. and see the real woman looking back.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


small tip - did you know that there is a way to keep black from fading??? 
The salesgirl told me to soak the jeans overnight in 2cups of vinegar and water.  Then when I wash them to wash them inside out.
Just thought you might be interested!

 

Way toooo early

One of the things that has been bugging me since my illness - is my sleep patterns.  The hospital got me used to going to sleep before 9pm (which was basically lights out).... and then being awakened around 3 when the night shift came round to each room and shone their flashlights in my eyes - which in my case is an instant wake up call.

Since I have been home I have barely been able to stay up till 9 pm... and have been waking up at 3 sharp........ no light in my eyes........ doesn't much matter... I am awake. 

Last night Warren came for dinner.  It felt good to actually cook him a dinner again and serve it in the dining room!!!!  And he stayed till 10 pm which meant I was later going to bed.  AND lo and behold I didn't wake up till 5:30 a.m. I was just contemplating rolling over for an extra hour or so of sleep - when I realized I should have set the clocks ahead one hour.  So it wasn't really 5:30 am.. but 6:30 am.  A reasonable time to be awake - and certainly by "Miss Ashes" internal clock - way past feeding time !!

So that is why I am sitting here at 7:30 am, cup of coffee in hand, writing in my blog.  And yeah that was a long round about way to get to some point to this story.

For at least the last 10 weeks I have had virtually no thought of BDSM... and no desire....... haven't thought about sex or masturbating for just as long.  I had begun to believe that when they took the gallbladder out they somehow also removed my desire/need/ want.

Last week my hand strayed to my pussy and I realized for the first time (yeah yeah I am slow sometimes!!)  that I have not shaved my pussy in 10 weeks.  The hair is long and silky feeling (no course hair on me) and I started to play with it... curling it around my fingers, tugging gently on it... just well .. just playing with it.  While I was playing I started contemplating shaving again.  At first I didn't see any reason...... I mean I have no desire for anything....... and what's the point of shaving??? whose gonna see if it is long or gone??? 

Then I started to think that I never did shave because of BDSM - I started shaving over 35 years ago - after my first baby - because I liked the feel of a "naked" pussy.  


Then I started to think how my clit jewelry doesn't show much now - hiding so nicely in the hair - and then I realized that because it is hidden away and not as free as it usually is..... that I am not getting the stimulation I usually get from it......... which might explain some of the absence of sexual arousal.

And truthfully folks - no sexual arousal means - in my case - no desire for spankings or floggings.  I know I know weird sort of foreplay !!

I didn't rush off to shave - it is just a seed firmly planted in my head.


Then this week Warren and I had a couple of semi-suggestive emails going back and forth about my ass.  If memory serves me right - my last email to him went something along the lines I was glad he was thinking of my ass again.


And I wondered if maybe - just maybe - we would try a little spanking Saturday night after dinner.


And it worried me some.


I have absolutely no muscle tone in my ass or thighs right now.  And I imagined how much a spanking would hurt...... and how ugly my ass looks right now (yeah yeah I can be vain that way occasionally)  I started to fuss a little bit.  Would he use just his hand or would he want to use some of the toys?? Would he be turned off by my sagging lifeless muscles??? 


And then on Friday night I had 2 hand fulls of popcorn.  I craved something salty and just didn't think.  Popcorn is one of the foods that is on my "do not - under any circumstances !!! - eat"   I had 2 hand fulls then threw the rest out cursing myself for forgetting.  I crossed my fingers that just 2 handfuls wouldn't make much difference.


But I was wrong.  When the pain hit in my belly it was like a sharp knife cutting through the tissue.  Then it went to a sharp knife stabbing me.  Then it passed and I thought I had ducked the bullet.  


But I was so wrong........... After dinner it hit with a vengeance.  I hoped it would pass.  Warren had already made a suggestion that we try an over the knee spanking.  But as the clock ticked off the minutes I realized the evening was ruined.  My 2 hand fulls of popcorn had brought on another bad attack.  


Warren and I watched a couple of tv shows with me curled up on the sofa feeling like death warmed over.  And at 10 pm he left - with no further attempt or suggestion at a spanking.


This morning I feel like shit - not because I am still in pain - it seems to have passed yet again - but because I may have deliberately or not deliberately sabotaged my re-entry in the spanking world.  


And now I am left to wonder how much patience is Warren gonna have??? 


It may be way toooo early in the morning to be up and about - but it isn't way tooo early to try and resume some sort of relationship with spanking thrown in for good measure...... I have to sort this out ...... and pretty damn quickly too .............


 

Emotional Investment

I have written in the past about blogs and how invested we all get in what happens in the blogs we read.... the attachments we form to people we don't know - and probably will never know (in real time).


How disappointed/worried/distressed and yes even angry we get when a blog just disappears.   Hell even I will become worried if I don't see a blog being updated... wondering if everything is ok.. what has happened... where are they.  And yeah sometimes I even get a tad angry that they didn't post a good-bye post ....... so at least we know they didn't just implode some dark night.


This has all come to the forefront again because "Under his Hand" has gone on hiatus... and kaya and her Master have disappeared from the blog and from FetLife....... just poof disappeared.  There is a whole lot of speculation and worry over on FetLife as to what has happened to them..... and that shouldn't surprise anyone - including kaya and her Master.   They were active on Fetlife - and kaya was a prolific writer on her blog.  To just up and disappear is worrisome for those of us who only have contact via the net.


I wonder how many of us "blog writers" realize the impact we have on some lives.  I wonder if we fully accept the responsibility we take on when we start writing a blog.  I wonder if we ever fully understand the number of lives we touch in some weird and wonderful way with our words.  


I know I have struggled many times over the years about the quality of what I wrote here... and yeah - from time to time I fussed and fumed over the numbers of hits I got.. knowing that the BDSM, sexy, pain filled blog entries drew a larger readership.  But eventually I would settle down and reclaim the blog as mine...... and write what was in my heart - not what would attract hits.

I have learned - since last March - that people will come to read my words - no matter what I am writing about .......... be it the pain of a rocky relationship or the trials of playing with other people ... or an illness that knocked me on my ass.  These people for whatever reason have become emotionally invested in me.. in my words...... whatever those words say.


It was for that reason when I was in hospital I would ask Warren to update you all... I didn't want to leave anyone hanging..worrying or fussing... or getting angry that I just went poof.


I am not sure where I was going with this entry when I started........ maybe it is just a reminder to me that there are folks out there who are emotionally invested in my life ... my world... and to pay tribute to the fact that they don't just come to read the "good bits"... but they come, like friends, to check up on me... to see how things are and to share a moment of their time with me.

And that is a good thing....... a very good thing!!

2 weeks to go

Ok... so as it stands ... I have 2 weeks before I return to work.  Problem is I have no energy - or very little of it.  

I know the remedy - besides following the diet for the bowel problem - I have to eat more protein and exercise to build muscle mass.  

On Wednesday - being me - I made up my mind to start exercising more and get those muscles working again (never mind the fact I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror and seeing all that saggy flesh - ewwwwwww)

So I decided to do some easy peasy yoga..........

I used to do yoga all the time - it is great for old joints - and flexibility... as well as toning.  So I spent 30 minutes on Wednesday sitting on the floor doing all sorts of stretching exercises.  When I finished I considered a hot bath to loosen up the muscles.  BUT I hadn't even worked up a sweat - nothing really hurt - so I skipped the bath.

Thursday morning I woke up early and went to swing my legs out of bed..... and nearly died.  The burning of muscle pain went from my thighs up into my ass.... and sent "do NOT move "  messages to my brain!!  


Once I got going I was ok (not perfect but ok)... but sitting for even 5 minutes and trying to stand was absolute agony.  Warren thoroughly enjoyed my discomfort and if my ass/thighs were within poking distance He gleefully poked and prodded the tight screaming muscles.  Even my surgeon had a chuckle over my discomfort - as he lectured me to exercise BUT without over doing it!!


Today I decided I was limber enough to try some more exercises - not yoga today though.  Today I found the 5 pound dumb bells and did some arm exercises.  Only 2 sets of 10 (even I knew I couldn't manage the third set).  


Tomorrow I may have both arms hanging loosely - uselessly - at my sides.  But I only have 2 weeks to get my energy back...........

Brand New Day

Well it is a brand new day and the sun is shining (at least in my world)  

I have just returned from seeing the surgeon.  And basically got a clean bill of health (as far as he is concerned)   I will have to watch what I eat - maybe for the rest of my life - and they are getting me a referral for another specialist (probably not till May) to check out my intestines - and this abscess - but on the larger scale of things I am doing OK !!!!

Life could be a whole lot worse 

I want to thank everyone who has sent me well wishes / prayers/ advise and just silly emails to make me smile.  It has been a long road but I got through it with the help of Warren and all of you........ Thank you Thank you Thank you !!!!!
 

Last Day

Well yesterday I was up early and went off to get my hair cut and styled.  Then lo and behold - shock shock - I still had energy left over so I went off to the bagel shop and bought a supply of my yummy doughy bagels.  Then I ran to the grocery store to stock up on apple juice and chocolate milk.  Then home to put the groceries away - empty the dishwasher and wait for Warren to arrive.

He and I went out to lunch and then I managed to run to the card store to pick up birthday cards - four - count 'em FOUR - of my kids/grandkids have had birthdays while I was lolly gagging around in hospital and I missed the celebrations.  This Saturday is oldest grandbaby's birthday party and I have all my fingers and toes crossed that I will be able to get out to the celebration.

But buying the birthday cards was my undoing - I couldn't wait to get in the car and get home... I was pooped.  Mind you - when I thought about it logically - I had been up and on the go since 7:00 am... and it was now 2:00 pm,  so I guess I was entitled to be pooped !!

Today is my last day of "freedom" so to speak.  

Tomorrow I have an 8:30 am appointment with my surgeon.  My two weeks of freedom from poking, prodding, procedures, and tests is over.  My best guess is he is going to refer me to another specialist - an internist - to find out about the mass they found in the first round of tests.

It feels an awful like standing on the end of a very high diving board - looking down - being scared stiff to take that first step off.......... scared of the unknown.

But for today - I will enjoy my last day off and try very hard NOT to think about tomorrow and all the tomorrows that will follow.
 

Progress

Believe it or not - I think things are improving........ granted slowly ....... but I realized yesterday there was a slight improvement.  I vacuumed the rugs in the living room and up the stairs and the upstairs hallway and didn't collapse and sleep the rest of the day away!! I did a load of laundry too.  I even dragged the garbage out to the dump after dinner (we have a time schedule for our garbage) and despite slipping and sliding on the ice made it there and back and felt exhilarated

I groomed dear Miss Ashes (my lil female cat) who hasn't been looked at in months!!!  she purred and howled and purred some more and finally after using the scissors to get the worst of the clumps in her long hair - she climbed down off the table and strutted her stuff around.

I also realized how isolating being sick can be.. and how dependent one can become on others during an illness..... and maybe even a little jealous of everyone else's ability to come and go and be healthy.,   Yesterday Sir had said "maybe" he would come and have coffee with me in the afternoon.  He didn't make it........ things got in the way.  At first I felt lonely and yes I'll admit it .. a little bit hurt......thinking why would anyone want to come sit with me - it is so boring !!!  Then I realized that it wasn't the end of the world.  That when I really needed him - all those long nights in the hospital - He was always there for me.  It also dawned on me that I was submissive - and (slap me upside the head) I could serve him best by taking care of myself and giving him time to do what he had to do.  After all I am healing - and I can amuse myself - and I do have the television and a pile of books.   So the afternoon flew by and as much as I missed him I also saw it as the way I can serve him now...... at this moment in our lives.,.

This morning I made an appointment to go and get my hair cut tomorrow - nothing like a little uplift to the spirits.  

So as much as things are still up in the air - my body does seem to be healing - slowly,  

What a difference a day makes !!!
 

End of week one

A week ago the doctors sent me home for two weeks to give me a rest from the hospital and being poked and prodded and nagged.  

The first few days were heavenly - freedom from hospital smells - hospital routine - from tests and knots in my stomach about what the tests found.  (mostly inclusive results) 

Then reality set in........ I wasn't getting any better - I was tired all the time - I didn't have much interest in anything.  BUT I was making myself get up and make 3 meals a day - that was the promise that had sealed my discharge - that I would EAT...... 

If someone had told me six months ago - hell 2 months ago - that I would have no interest in food I would have said "I wish!!"  I love food - mostly the bad stuff - you know fast foods with lots of grease and calories..... sweets with tons of calories ....... junk food with tons of calories.

I am on a high calorie diet to try and get some weight and muscle mass back.  So I am not really limited on what I can eat or not eat........... just so long as I eat 3 meals a day with at least one snack thrown in for good measure.  

At first I stocked up on all the foods I usually liked to eat - chicken fingers - hamburger - meatballs - but when I cooked meals with those foods they stuck in my throat - tasted like crap and weren't the least bit appetizing.  

So now I am eating bland boring foods - hamburger patties I made up from the mess of hamburger I defrosted....... hamburger patties with potatoes - with noodles - as a hamburger...... I am eating shrimp (usually a splurge around here - but hell they at least taste good!!) precooked chicken I bought in sandwiches and with potatoes....... and chocolate milk........ I can't keep chocolate milk in the house !!!  and the strangest thing is - I don't much like chocolate - but yum chocolate milk tastes sooooo good now.  I am also drinking gallons of apple juice..... haven't had that since I was nursing my babies.......but it tastes good now.  And my beloved cup of coffee first thing in the morning is tasting good too.  Oh yeah and real bagels !!!  I had gone to the skinny bagels to try and cut back on calories - they never did taste the same - so back to the doughy yummy bagels for breakfast and sandwiches !!


For anyone interested I have lost over 3 inches over my entire body - which means nothing fits - I am soon gonna need suspenders for my underpants.  I have managed to find some small jeans that fit comfy now....... and a couple of turtle necks that work.  But for the most part I am slopping around in loose way too loose clothing.  

My other complaint is a total lack of energy.  I can do small chores (like cleaning the bedroom) then have to lie down and rest - if not nap - for an hour or so.  That bugs me... no - more than bugs me - it scares me.  I used to be this ball of fire........... but the fire has whittled down to a small ember.  My brother called me yesterday - my brother the health nut.  He made a valid point - one I am holding on to.  If I have lost so much muscle mass then I won't have a lot of energy till it comes back.  The muscles are what give me energy - no muscle - no energy.  Made sense to me.  

So I am gonna try walking a little bit each day - if only this winter weather would cooperate a tad... or else do the stairs more.  Try walking around the house more - I did shovel the wee bit of snow we had this week - and I didn't die from doing that.  

One doctor said it was going to take a long time to bring me back to where I was - I am guessing he meant more than a couple of weeks.  

Thursday this week I see my surgeon again.  I have a strong feeling he is going to refer me to an internist to get to the bottom of this problem.  Part of me welcomes this referral - maybe someone will be able to fix this elusive problem.  Another part of me is scared stiff - more hospital time? more tests and prodding and poking??? More surgery??? 

But for now the challenge continues to find food I will eat - and to try and find some energy and a bit of my joie de vie.