Demons

It started just before the holidays..... I was unhappy with my body .... I got on the scales but my weight hadn't changed since the fall...... so what was wrong with it.... There was something wrong with it I knew... I felt fat..... very fat.  My clothes all still fit but they didn't look the same..... my body was saggy and droppy and it showed (well at least to me) in the mirror. 

Before the holidays I made a healthy decision to go back to the gym.  The one I used in Kingston had moved here ..... I LOVED that gym!!  and so - before the holidays - I decided all I needed was to get back to the gym after the holidays.

And then my new doctor and I had discussed my weight -- and my desire to lose maybe another 10 pounds (though the doctor in Kingston said I was at an ideal weight for me).  The new doctor suggested I get a book "The Obesity Code".  I did... and I started reading it a bit over the holidays.

It suggested that to actually lose weight and maintain it..... one should fast every couple of days for 24 hours.  At first I fussed a little bit over that...... fasting.  I did my battle with not eating...... of hearing the term "anorexic" being tossed around...... trying to get my daily calorie intake up to 1000 calories a day.......  BUT this doctor was giving it his stamp of approval........ the idea kept rolling around in the back of my mind.

Over the holidays with Sir Steve's family -- somehow the discussion of the age difference between us came up.  and that has been rattling around in the back of my head again....... once more..... maybe it never left?

After the holidays I got on the scales -- 3 pounds have been added to this body of mine........ and so today I sit in the early morning darkness and the demons are tugging at me.  The thoughts are no longer just rolling around in the back of my head.  There is an urgency to lose those 10 pounds -- to tighten up all the muscles -- to try and get the look of a younger body......... 

(and the demons are whispering about the dark spots on my skin -- whispering about the wrinkles on my face -- telling me how old I look -- asking how anyone could want this old woman......... )

The demons are talking again -- and it scares me a little........ 

Masochist

Yup I did -- go bathing suit shopping.  

But first I picked out some shorts.  Originally I had thought of getting some denim overall shorts -- BUT this whole 'fat' thing made me change my mind.  I asked Sir Steve the other night what he thought about them -- overalls -- and he said "cute".  (rolling my eyes) on a good day I would probably have been ok with 'cute'..... but when I was shopping I just couldn't do the 'cute' thing -- so I bought a pair of denim shorts and a pair of khaki shorts.   Then I found a dressing gown -- something I really do need -- especially since the visit to the parents and because of the lil one. And while I was looking at pjs etc.... I found a really cute sundress that is very short so I will have to wear leggings with it -- but I still think it is suitable for the campground.

All this shopping kept bringing me back to the swimsuit section.  I would cast a glance and just kept on moving.  Eventually I had run out of stuff to try on and buy.  I had to actually stop in the swimsuit section.

The colours were disgusting - neon blue - neon pink - neon green -- neon stripes.  REALLY??? There were plain black ones -- but solid black?? HONESTLY?!  Finally I found a black one with cut outs that allowed the colour underneath to show through - one piece.  Then I found a blue one with wee tiny white dots -  one piece.  

Off to the changing room.  ugh -- strip down try them on -- peek in the mirror -- rip it off - try on the next one.   Wash rinse repeat.... through those 2 and about 4 more.  The one piece suits just didn't fit right -- either they gaped ridiculously at the crotch allowing my pussy to nearly fall out -- or they weren't long enough in the torso  and I felt like I had a wedgy.

I decided against my better judgement to try on these 2 piece jobs that  -- when on -- actually resemble a one piece.  (I am NOT showing my belly flab) More trying on -- struggling with the elasticized material..cursing at it -- getting sweaty and despairing of ever finding something that would do.  (I fought hard to shut out the voices calling me 'fat' -- too fat for a swimsuit) 

Finally I tried on a black one with big white polka dots and small black bikini bottom.  It went on fairly easily -- and fit comfortably.  I dared to look in the mirror.  It looked ok.  I turned and checked the back - it looked ok.  So I threw it in the basket with the shorts and tops .... and on the way out I even picked up a straw hat.... it comes down covering my neck and shoulders and a little bit of my face.  I figure if I get too uncomfortable in the swimsuit I'll just pull the hat down further and be incognito ..... 

At the end of the day I was pooped and discouraged -- and fighting the demons... BUT on the bright side I do have a swimsuit for the campgrounds.

Feeling Good

When I first recovered from the surgery and all the damn complications....... everyone that saw me kept saying how good I looked - how skinny.  It felt really good - for once in my life I was actually flattered,

Well it has been 2 months since those days,  I am still measuring myself once a week (don't weigh myself - haven't got a set of scales - because I obsess over the numbers on the scale) and the inches are still slowly disappearing ( a quarter of an inch at a time) But the complements have stopped - and so they should.  I am thinner it is a fact and no longer necessary to tell me.

But yesterday I went shopping for a pair of pants.  (Because the pair I bought somehow got ruined with bleach like spots).  While I was at the shop I saw a cute - really cute - lil black strapless dress.  AND everyone knows that every woman should have at least one cute lil black dress.  So I decided to try it on.

When I came out of the changing room the clerk said to me 'you need a smaller size' !!!  I thought I was walking on air........ those were the nicest words anyone could say to me.. a smaller size..... wow !!!

The other amazing thing...... if you can follow this bouncing ball....... W loved me in dresses - but the bigger I got - the less I wore dresses, until  I didn't wear one ever.  Yesterday when I put the dress on....... I realized it did look good on me ..... and it isn't long .. and it isn't big and flowing - it is actually fitted..... and it looked good on me.

I was thinking on my way home that I don't need any other incentive to keep the weight off - or to lose the last 20 pounds - just feeling good in my clothes is enough.. just being able to buy clothes off the rack ...... being able to wear a fitted dress knowing how much it will please W ......... all internal personal reasons.  No more trying to lose weight for someone else.. the feelings inside me are all the drive I need..... and boy does that feel good !!! 

On Dieting

For most of my adult life I have battled against weight.. that is not to say I was ever very small - not even as a child. And I have had numerous great successes with losing weight....... like the year my brother got married. I lost so much weight that my own mother didn't recognize me at the church !!

BUT
the weight always seemed to magically slip back on.

Last March during the emotional period I started to lose weight again - not planned - just nerves - but the weight started to come off - again. I decided to keep up losing - again. The difference was I wasn't in a hurry - and I never climbed on a scale. I did measure myself about once a month and watched the inches start to disappear. I kept myself busy and even exercised (with my new Wii)

Then September came and trying to fit exercising into my working schedule got to be next to impossible. Eventually the measuring tape stopped showing inches lost. Mind you it didn't show inches gained so I saw this 'plateau' as a success. I realized if I just kept at it eventually the inches would start to melt again.

Then at the end of October I got this gall bladder thing. Everything I ate made me nauseous.. or hurt. So I started eating differently. Because I had been through this once before I remembered bits and pieces of the "gall bladder" diet. If I didn't eat any spices, any fatty foods, any rich foods I would be able to cope. Then I saw my doctor and complained about the continual ache in my side. She set down the diet on paper. What I could eat. Cause the 'what I couldn't eat' was too long.

Now I have one piece of dry toast in the morning, with a tablespoon of jam. and yes I have one cup of coffee (even though it is FORBIDDEN but I cannot survive my day without one cup !!) For lunch I have a small bowl of chicken noodle - or chicken rice soup and water. For dinner I have a small chicken breast - no skin - no seasonings - broiled with a small bit of plain rice. As a treat I have one plain rice cake and a small tin of peaches.

That's it .. day in .. day out. For five weeks now.

Only sometimes I cheat...... Last weekend I had half a green salad - with oil dressing and felt like crap for two days. Or yesterday noon I craved Kraft dinner (a comfort food from my childhood) so I made some and had a small - small - serving and by dinner time felt like crap.

I have gone through periods of terrible cravings. I want barbecue ribs, Indian food, Chinese food, Thai food, hamburgers and french fries, sweets and more sweets and even MORE sweets.

Everyone is noticing how much weight I have lost. Most think I am dieting by choice and pat me on the back. My doctor has warned me that when I am fit and fine again - I have to be careful about starting back on normal food - as I will gain quickly.

Last night as I lay quietly on the sofa wishing I could feel like me again..... I was thinking about this diet and all the diets I have ever been on. And I realized something. Dieting after this should be easy. I can add spices and have red meat and the occasional sweet, and even Chinese and Thai and Indian food. In moderation. IF I can do this gall bladder diet for 5+ weeks I can do ANY diet.

And I was thinking how important food is to our "social" lives. We meet people for dinner at restaurants, we have people over for dinner. I was trying to think what Warren and I might do this weekend - and it all seemed to involve meal time and food. And truthfully I can't face cooking a normal meal for someone and a bland (should be tossed in the garbage) meal for myself. We talked about going to a movie and I thought I can't even have a handful of popcorn !!

I realized food has become too important a part of my life. I need to find other ways of socializing with people that doesn't involve copious amounts of food and perhaps even liquor.

I have a feeling that keeping this weight off.. and even losing more will be a whole lot easier now .......... now that I know my new diet can include seasonings and margarine and dairy (oh god do you have any idea how much I miss CHEESE!!??)

(and in case anyone is interested - I have dropped 2 jean sizes since last March. 2!!! oh yeah and at least that much in bra size - now that can be a bummer - though youngest daughter who is the expert on looking like you have a whole lot more than you really do - has promised to take me shopping for some "lifts")