Impaled

Remember those butterflies i had yesterday???

Welllllllllll they were impaled...royally .......... literally and figuratively.......

BUT first.... when Sir got home i had this craving for ribs... so Sir took me out for the best ribs in town........ and oh my god they were good !!! The whole meal was excellent.. tasted like the nectar of the gods..... (after 3 weeks of soup and crackers and food having little or no taste... this meal was orgasmic!!)

After dinner i was curled up in my chair basking in the after glow of ribs and the promise of more joys to come when Sir waved the dirk from His uniform in my direction.........


Honestly all i saw was the point... glinting in the late evening light... like an eye blinking in my direction.. promising dark secrets....

My mind raced... i was picturing needles.. with the knife weaving in and out and about.. When Sir tweaked his finger in my direction.. i was on the floor immediately.. the butterflies after all were calling....... had been calling all day.... i was ready...



Only thing was....... it had been 3 weeks since we had played... months since He had impaled me on needles.....




It hurt.. hurt so good...........

and the butterflies were flopping around......

And then Sir picked up the dirk..... that was ok.... i love the scratchy patterns that Sir traces around.. through and over the needles....

Except He didn't.... trace that is...... He placed it...



my breath caught in my throat.... it felt sort of... erotic... but it was the tip of a sharp knife.. not some nice lil dildo or vibrator............


And then Sir went back to inserting needles........ and i wanted to wiggle... i wanted to press into the 'dildo' .....but it wasn't a dildo.. it was a "don't move.... don't even breath" moment...oh my god...... i couldn't breath....... i moved forward and felt relief when the dirk dropped to the carpet...... BUT Sir saw it immediately and put it back.. pressing it tighter into my lil rose bud.. i didn't dare breath.........

Once the needles were in Sir used the dirk to trace patterns ... up and down my back.. my ass.. my thighs.. in between the needles... making my heart pound and my pussy drip....








i was just an impaled butterfly..... under His hand.

Shhhhhhhhhhhh

It's a secret......

i think i am feeling better......

i have been cleaning the condo for Sir.. making it spic and span........ and all the while i have been cleaning i have had this 'feeling' in the pit of my stomach....... a feeling i haven't had for a long long time.........

butterflies..

i have butterflies in my stomach!!

Sir will be here around mid afternoon....... i am hoping He isn't pooped.. i am hoping He is feeling THE need....... cause His subbie is most definitely feeling the need... waiting... loving the feeling of those old butterflies.........

Maybe Sir's tasks last evening woke up the need buried deep in me...

The needle box was opened.. the needles have been separated and put in the play box... i masturbated with the hitachi...

Maybe it worked........

All i know is i have butterflies.... and am watching the clock........ waiting for Sir..

A few of my favourite things......

i was asked .. because i hadn't posted here today.. if i had had a relapse. No - no relapse but i did work a 12 hour shift yesterday which makes for one very tired subbie.......... so no early morning blog..........

AND

i haven't much to say ......... life has been (to put it mildly) rather boring around here recently. (though considering my task list tonite - things may be on an upswing)

AND

i have been busy learning the ins and outs of the new camera....... ya see i have these images in my head..... of what i would love to take with it....... not just garden pics.. or pics of the grandbabies.. or pics of meals i prepare....... but artsy fartsy BDSM pics.

oh i won't be quitting my day job any time soon......... there are a whole mess of Kink photographers out there who are much more experienced than i am......... but hey .. it works as a hobby right??

now if i can just find some willing models - all decked out in some nice rope work.. or fet clothes .. or something................

BUT

for now i am working with what i have on hand............

Interested in seeing some of my more recent attempts??

i am calling these -

A few of my favourite things.........

You have all seen umpteen pictures of the toys Sir has........ but i have never shown you the intricate patterns on the handles..

Until now..........








































Now i am off to start my task list for the evening....... stay tuned .. i promise an update tomorrow on this infamous task list....

Widgets

i have been noticing over the weeks that people have been adding neat new widgets to their blogs......... i have "borrowed" some of their widgets .. like the map on the right side of my blog..............

BUT

i have been noticing a new one popping up more and more (mostly on vanilla sites.. ) A book shelf..... with the books they are currently reading.. want to read.. or are recommending.

i really liked the idea...... it had potential ........ i just had to figure out how to incorporate it into my blog..........

Then i was over visiting Spankedhortic's blog the other day .. and he was reviewing a book he purchased/read on the fine art of caning. And he had been disappointed by the content. i thought WOW what a great idea....... to do book reviews on our blogs - give them 2 thumbs up .. OR.. 2 thumbs down.....

So many people come to our blogs for information........ for "how to's" ........ and personally i am a little uncomfortable doing that...... cause ya know.... a lot of what Sir and i do .. falls kinda into the realm of "don't try this at home" especially for beginners. (and come on ...... let's face it .. some people are just plain stupid and will read something - go "oh that is soooooo cool" and then try it themselves with no training or forethought or anything...... just based on something they read on line !! )

So this morning i went to the site for this bookshelf widget....... figuring i would have a helluva time plunking in the BDSM books i have read... and was pleasantly surprised. Every single book i have was there to plunk on my shelf. So not such a vanilla site after all !!!

So i invite you to take a gander at my newly added "book shelf" (on the far right) check out the books i have....... and wait for it......... cause ya know over the next few weeks i am gonna have to do a personal book review of each of them..........

Right now there are only "how to " books posted.... how to do bondage.. how to be a good slave.. how to do CBT........ but over time i will also add some fictional reads that i have enjoyed...............

If you come here to be educated.. then i suggest you read read read............. the books on my shelf......... as much as my words.

Light at the end of the tunnel

i do believe i see a light at the end of the tunnel...... this tunnel that is flu and meds and loss of energy and interest.......

i felt a vaguely familiar twinge last evening... while reading a rather explicit blog........ (no it was NOT porn.. i do NOT read porn !! i am too innocent to read porn !!)

And then when i went to bed - i glanced over at the night table and saw the hitachi lying there looking all forlorn ........ and the thought crossed my mind "maybe i should charge up the batteries" ........ mind you it was just a thought.. and nothing more.. i was way too comfy snuggled under the blankets to actually get up...... find the charger and plug the damn thing in............ BUT i thought it !!
which is a giant step forward - seeing as i haven't given it a single thought .. not a passing glance ...... in the past 2 weeks........

And then as i lay there ....... waiting for sleep to come and take me away....... i was thinking about this weekend coming up.. busy vanilla weekend... and i wondered .. as i finally drifted off ........ if there would be time to try shoving a few needles in my ass sideways............

Yup.. i do believe there is a light at the end of my tunnel !!

Uhaul relationships...

Some time back i heard a joke about lesbians..... (now please don't take offense) the joke went........

What do lesbians do on a second date??
Rent a Uhaul.

Last week - when i was home sick - with so many hours on my hands - with no energy to do much more than lounge around in the lazy boy........ i logged onto Fet Life to read some of the posts /thoughts floating around (i probably should have stuck to napping in the lazy boy !!)

There were two posts that stuck with me....... both submissive writings about how their Doms let them down (sounds like a country / western song doesn't it??)

The first one talked about how she met her Dom.. and instantly fell in love .. next thing i can figure he moved in with her.... Now things were rocky cause he was "cheating" on her with other submissives. oh wow.. surprise surprise !! Think some "getting to know you really well " time might have been a good idea??
What is it with these submissives....... fall in love at first slap .. and want to move in together............. rent a Uhaul for the second date??

Then there was the submissive who was upset cause her Dom didn't want to have sex with her. And she was horny... And she had even begged Him to have sex with her (now isn't that big self esteem booster!!) And He wouldn't .. and "oh woe's is me" !!!
The comments really got to me too... talk to him (don't they think she already had - after all He had made it very clear He wasn't gonna have sex) ...... get him to a doctor He probably had "male issues"......... yet .. if you actually read the whole posting the submissive wrote that if she slept with anyone else she was afraid he would sleep with someone else...... ahh duhhh..

Seems to me... that their shiny new Uhaul trucks took a wrong turn and landed up being not so new and shiny!!


i don't know... i am old.. i don't understand the ways of the world today.... but even when i was "looking" i believed in playing the field (as my mother used to call it) Just cause someone could spank my ass.. or give me great sex.. it didn't mean i wanted to be collared to them.. or have them move in with me ......... Hell NO !! i wanted my space.. i wanted to kiss a whole mess of frogs before i found my prince.

And i was / am OLD...... old as dirt... You'd think i would be the one in a hurry to find someone to grow older with.......... what's with these 20 somethings who are in such a hurry to find THE ONE?? It is hard enough to find the right one in a vanilla relationship........never mind in a BDSM one... more variables dontcha know. How can you tell in a week or two or three that this is THE ONE?? dontcha think you need to work out some details.. like if this is to be a monogamous relationship or poly?? If all this spanking and kinky stuff is gonna be foreplay for some great sex..... or just that.. spanking and kinky stuff.

i can't help but wonder if all these eager shiny new subbies are just rushing towards the brass ring.......... looking for the end of the race instead of enjoying the journey to IT.

Oh yeah...... and even though i use 20 year olds as an example... there are a whole mess of 40 somethings that act as silly and as irresponsible as the 20 year olds......
Why aren't they capable of enjoying their own company .. while they journey down the path that will bring them (hopefully) to the love of their life who will meet all their expectations??

Just some musings from an old subbie who has been around the block more than a couple of times......... kissed a mess of frogs.. and found her Prince.

No shit Sherlock

i don't think i realized how sick i have been these last 11 days... (and still counting to be honest)

Sir didn't come over till Saturday ....... late Saturday afternoon... and honestly i was ok with that...... which was clue #1 that i wasn't tip top....

i was curled up in sweat pants and sweat shirt and snuggled under a blanket when Sir arrived in shorts and a tshirt ......... which was clue #2 and #3 - i was dressed for winter.. Sir for summer.. and i WAS dressed

Sir tossed a small box on the table beside my chair - that missed and landed on the floor and i cried..... yes CRIED......... which was clue #4

Sir had managed to get to China Town and buy some more needles....... something i have been asking for for awhile now........ and i sat there staring at the box like it was some alien creature that had just landed in the living room.. which is clue #5

Sir suggested later in the evening that i might enjoy a few needles shoved sideways into my ass (i believe were His words) and i looked at Him like he was some alien creature that had just landed in the living room ...... which is clue #6

Sunday i did manage to shower and get dressed and Sir got me in the car and took me over to the market to purchase a hanging basket of RED flowers and some more RED flowers for the pots and some more RED flowers for the front garden and i couldn't even lift them into the car or out of the car ... and let Sir do it without an argument....... which is clue #7

Sir left Sunday mid afternoon.. after a weekend of my being curled up on the chair under layers of blankets .. and i didn't even cry when He left ...... which is clue #8

i have one more day of meds........ and then according to the doc... a couple more days of healing and by next weekend (two weeks.. TWO weeks.. after i started this flu bug) i should be feeling more like myself !!

Yup i have definitely been sicker than i imagined.......... "no shit Sherlock" !!!

Friendship (revisited)

the topic is revisited......... BUT ...it isn't a summer re-run...... promise !!


Sir and i socialized with a couple from our country's great Capital. They came here.. we went there... It is hard to find someone who is closely tuned to one's own practice of the lifestyle........ but we had found it in them.

He was Dom.. old fashioned kind of Dom.. and she was a service sub.. and a bit of a masochist... They had rituals and protocols and ....... well it just kinda felt like we were not only in the same chapter of the book.. but most of the time on the same page !!

It felt comfortable (at least for me) being around them.. i never once felt embarrassed by going naked - or serving Sir first or waiting for permission to enter a room.. or sit at the table.. or use the toilet. You see.. she had the same rules to follow. We never had to explain. it just was....... and it was very nice .. "just being" when we were together.

Then there was a problem.. a scary problem.. more scary than my thinking someone had found my blog. There had been an incident at a private club.. one of the submissives had gotten hurt..... badly hurt (from all reports) and that submissive had called the police.

This couple both had major worries....... their jobs would most definitely be in jeopardy........ their reputations. They decided to fold up their tents and disappear quietly into the night.......

i remember the last email conversation i had with her before they disappeared.. as she explained to me how easy it would be.......

"ya see" she explained "most of our 'friends' are lifestyle 'friends' they won't look for us once we are gone because we have nothing in common with them other than the lifestyle"

i was shocked... i wanted to prove we would be different friends.

BUT the thing is........ she was right. Oh i kept in touch with her for a while after they disappeared.. we talked about raising kids.. and teaching kids.. and recipes and all sorts of other things...BUT the problem was..... i couldn't discuss BDSM anymore.. i couldn't whine or pout about how 'mean' Sir was anymore.. that part of the friendship had just ended.. abruptly.

Now you might be wondering what has brought this story to light ........
Well i am slowly realizing that this blog.. The Journey.. is my connection to many people... and if it was no more.. then so would those people - be no more i mean. i guess i was a little shocked to read in private emails the number of people who said they really had no interest in the rest of my life........ and being the stupid naive sub that i am .. i was surprised. Ya see.. i kinda thought these people were interested in the other parts of my life.. the sum total of who i am.. but i guess not.
So maybe it is a good thing i have another place to discuss my other life....... i never realized i might be boring folks here.. with mundane talk of kids.. hobbies.. renovations etc..

i guess for most people the high priority is what i spew forth on here... about my thoughts and opinions on BDSM.....

AND don't get me wrong...... please...... that's ok......... it is a huge part of who i am.... it's just i guess.. i had hoped that there was a wee bit more of a connection ... i was wrong..... it isn't the first time.. and my god it won't be the last .........

And i guess the important thing is....... Sir is interested in the other parts of me.. that add up to make me who i am.. with the beliefs and philosophies and loyalties


Now having said all that... my forced holiday has been extended by another few days.. Sir took me to the doctor last evening ........ as i wasn't improving not one little bit........ and it turns out i have a sinus infection and a secondary infection in my glands and lymph nodes........ soooooooooooo i am guessing this is gonna be another quiet weekend around here ......... i feel so damn useless when i am sick and unable to serve.......... even my quirky need for pain is on hiatus........... so yeah another quiet weekend - while the meds do their work.

Short and sweet

After much thought...........

i have decided to start a new vanilla blog.. where i will post everything that doesn't fit in here......

If you wish the url you are gonna have to work a little bit for it....

click the email link on the right .. send me an email ... and i will gladly send you the new url......... if that is .. you are interested in the "other" side of my life...

Closing ranks....

Some of you have noticed that The Journey has been down for a few hours.. ok more than a few hours.

Yesterday for some reason - i decided to check the "visitors" log....... and i noticed that early in the morning someone from THE island had visited my blog. A small warning bell went off.. just a small one.

By last evening - when i checked the stats again - i noticed that i had had 3 visits from the same island........ and the small warning bell went to a loud clanging......and i had the neurotic desire to RUN.

i closed down The Journey for fear of my privacy being invaded.. for fear of my job being in jeopardy.. just out of plain old fashioned FEAR.

When i started this blog back in 2005 i kept things pretty generic...... worried a bit about who would stumble across it..........

As time went on.. i became bolder.. and posted more pictures and talked more openly about my life........... going from the generic to the personal..........

Now i have removed all the entries (at least i hope i have) that pointed a very direct finger at me....... the me the vanilla world sees............. and i have reopened The Journey.

BUT for now .. maybe for a long time....... this blog will go back to being generic...

The only thing i can hope..... is that whomever it is from THE island ....... who stopped by yesterday ....... will email me privately........ so that i can establish what their intentions are......... until that happens..... i am closing ranks.........





And it makes me sad ....... to think that my lifestyle.......my PRIVATE lifestyle might have a bearing on how the vanilla world sees me... rates me.. and judges me....

Sometimes life just sucks.

cranky subby

it would seem that sick = cranky ............

Sunday (for those of you who didn't bother reading the follow up comments) Sir dropped by with a whole box of Krispie Kreme cream donuts.... and yum they were good !!

Monday Sir dropped by to take me to the garden center to buy some supplies... and damn!! it felt good to get out of the house and mingle with real people..(the enforced quarantine having ended).. feel the sun on my face.. breath fresh air. Damn it didn't feel good when after 10 minutes at the garden center my head started to pound again and my legs felt like limp noodles.

Monday night i wasn't feeling any better.. so all the best laid plans of my returning to work this morning were shelved.

This morning my throat hurts again.. my nose is back to running.. i am desperately trying to cough up a lung.. and everything that goes in one end is......... well you get the picture.

For those of you who don't know me well .. i do NOT "do sick" well.. i do NOT "do sick" gracefully or graciously. i get as cranky as a bear with a thorn in it's paw. AND i lose all my self editing ability.. my diplomacy (what little i have)

Now .... this morning i reread the comments/emails on my blog entry on marriage.... and my temper flared.. just a tad..... first of all .. come on folks.. let's try and remember here that this is my blog and i am entitled to my own opinions .......

Secondly i refuse to enter into debates on the difference between a slave and a submissive.

Will someone please explain to me.. and i am dead serious here......

IF you are a collared sub or slave (or horse or dog or cow for all i care).... why is marriage so different a commitment??

i am thinking because it is legal.

i am thinking it is because it is seen as having more of a commitment

i am thinking it doesn't fit into the scheme of things for those that are burning the candle at both ends (let's say) and could never accept a marriage proposal from their Dom

i am thinking that being a slave or a submissive (or a horse or dog or cow for all i care) is really NOT about giving up the power .. but really means we all just pretend to believe the power has been handed over.. given up.. cause you really have no intention of ever giving up total control......... it just isn't in you to do that.......

Now if you read this and you start to get all bent out of shape...... maybe you should ask yourself "does the shoe fit"... and then go contemplate your navel..

Cause..

i am sick and cranky and have no patience or diplomacy.

Just thoughts

Despite my illness these past 3 days... despite the fever ravaged brain.. i did manage to float around occasionally on the net and touch base with the blogs i read... i didn't comment much because - honestly - i couldn't stay focused for too long on any one thing.. and when i did try to leave comments.. they seemed a bit garbled for me..( if you did get a rather confusing comment from me.. that is my story and i am sticking to it !!)

i don't remember much of what i read over the weekend........ i am just left with impressions......

one of the things that stuck with me .. was how young some of the bloggers are - my god some are younger than my own children !! (i feel so damn old!!) and they are so full of opinions and how it should all work.. and so many other enthusiasms we all suffered from when we were that young. i found myself smiling and nodding and thinking.. "just wait sweet thing till you have a little more experience.. in life never mind the lifestyle" - which sounds so damn condescending ya know?? but oh so true.

and somewhere i read - kaya's blog i think - that there was chatter on Fetlife (the young do so love to gather on "in groups" don't they??) about what to do if a Master ordered His slave to marry Him.......... something like that.. and i gather the slaves were all up in arms.. and oh how unromantic of Him... and Ya just can't order something like marriage.. and stuff like that...

And the old wise owls came out to scold and chatter and do their "tsks tsks" ....
i myself believe they will learn.. (or not) as they grow.... and one day look back and wonder what made them believe "a" or "b" or "c" .. when they were exploring and experimenting.......


i am of a different opinion from the young ones that gather in groups and chatter away like squirrels......... but then i had the "fairy tale wedding" that so many little girls dream of.. and look where it landed me???

For almost 8 years i have been collared to Sir... slave or submissive whatever you want to call it. i offered Him myself.. with all the bumps and bruises and imperfections... i offered to obey Him and trust Him and honour Him....

There was no "fairy tale" anything.. no wedding.. no big collaring ceremony - it was done in the privacy of our basement with only one other person in attendance... yeah i would have liked a big collaring ceremony like so many had........ but then when i look back now ... well not many of them are still together.... so i have come to the conclusion that the words between two people matter much more than the ceremony - or the hoards of people attending.

AND........... to get to the other point in my fuzzy brain.........

Why is everyone all a twitter over a Master ORDERING a marriage?? Is it not His right?? if you are His slave - isn't your job to obey His every order?? Is marriage somehow more binding than the collar around your neck?? Is it more real??

If it is ..........then what kind of slave are you?? Are you in it just till something more fun/more interesting comes along?? Is it just fun to be part of the "in crowd" playing at servitude and being a masochist?

It all brings back an image (that won't mean anything to most of you.. but will hit home with some) of a slave in fancy fet wear - being put up on a cross at a public play party - the weekend she became engaged to her Master.. and how she spread the fingers of her left hand wide and admired the sparkle of the diamond that adorned her ring finger - so absorbed in the sparkle - she was really totally unaware of her Master.

i am an old submissive........ been round the block more than a few times....... and this ring that i wear on my left hand is all the sparkle .. all the bling i need........





For you see.. i am Sir's submissive.. yesterday.. today .. and forever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and there is one other thing that is niggling at my brain........ there is website that is linking to a bunch of us BDSM bloggers - without our knowledge... and it would appear that when someone hits the link to our blogs.. it automatically puts an advert up on our site (for the duration of the visit) ......... Rather unethical if you ask me.... and for me at least... it goes against the philosophy i have of this being a totally free site.. free to view.. free of adverts.. just plain free......

i am contemplating a number of different actions............

BUT one action may be publically posting the website so that you can see if your blog is linked........

stay tuned.....

Delirium

It would seem i am delirious....

i have been dreaming about donuts.. about driving down the street to the Krispie Kreme donut shop and immersing myself totally and completely in donuts... piles and piles of sinfully delicious donuts.....

Only problem is Krispie Kreme does not exist just down the street anymore...
and i would never be able to immerse myself in piles and piles of donuts..
and i only really like the cream filled ones.. but a box of them all to myself would be very sinful............

AND i couldn't taste them
AND i would probably puke them up

must be delirium.........



cause the whole thought of sucking the cream out of the middle.... draining it completely and totally dry......... licking the cream off my lips and chin ...


is making me horny........


i am definitely delirious!

WARNING

Do not.. i repeat NOT... try and change your blog when you are feverish......

Now i can't even seem to go back to the old template..

my head hurts.. my eyes hurt.. hell even my brain hurts..

bear with me till i get things fixed around here ok???

piggish

As if i didn't have enough on my plate.............. last night i developed a massive sore throat.. coughing .. aching bones (but is it from the fall - who knows??) and a low grade fever.

Our school board has been very clear - anyone developing symptoms that look like the H1N1 flu (better known as the swine flu) is to stay home....... truthfully i couldn't go in today even if they didn't pass the rule........

So this morning - at the crack of dawn - after another night of no sleep - i called Info Santé - our community health offices. They told me - after hearing i work in a school - that i am to remain home for 3 days and chart my symptoms.... IF the fever gets worse - i am to call the local clinic and go in immediately - IF i start to throw up - i am to call the local clinic and go in immediately - IF i develop breathing problems - i am to call the local clinic and go in immediately.

i am to stay in the house away from children/babies and old people (no Sir this weekend!!) for 3 days. i am to stay away from crowds.

Now i ask you.......... if my symptoms increase to the point of needing to go to a clinic.. i am supposed to drive myself???? - cause public transport is not allowed...

Joy oh Joy.........

Happy long weekend !!!

early morning dawn

i am sitting here in the early morning dawn... listening to the birds singing (ok ok Sir says squawking) outside the windows... and just kind of soaking in the stillness and the quiet before i face the madness that seems to be my days.

i wonder some days how it is that i landed up working in a field that is staffed mostly by women............. and why it is .. after 20 some odd years of working with women in this field that i haven't learned to deal with their hormonal melt downs.

i read a quote somewhere that went (it isn't a direct quote cause truthfully i didn't write it down) "if i wasn't a feminist i would have been a masochist." AND i don't remember who said it either...... so shoot me!!

This morning i am wondering how i landed up being both.. a feminist and a masochist??

i think being a feminist at heart at least - makes it even more difficult for me to deal with hormonal melt downs......... and that somehow feels wrong... shouldn't i be understanding and supportive of my "sisters" ??? BUT to use hormonal meltdowns as an excuse for bad behaviour, for loud aggressive arguments, just seems to defeat the purpose .......some how... in my muddled brain

Anyway...i am sitting here in the early morning dawn wondering about tonite's speech (and yay yah i know.. get over it and just do it!!) Sir says i will do a great job... everyone (who has heard me do "speeches" over the years) tells me i will do great - but the problem comes from the fact that talking about her love of children....... her enthusiasm towards her job ........ just sounds soooooooooo .. yesterday's news. Everyone knows this about her....... everyone admires her for this....... and i can't help but think that talking about a job she DID - past tense - makes the whole thing sound a little bit like an eulogy ............

i am also sitting here in the early morning dawn thinking i have 33 school days left till summer vacation. And as much as i am not desperate for it this year (unlike other years) i do have to say i am looking forward to 6 weeks or so of sitting in my secret garden with my books, my coffee, and the cats, soaking up the sunshine. Just a side note to Cloud who has been worried i won't have my fairy garden now i have gone oriental - not so my dear friend.. i could no more move the fairies to some back shelf than i could give up my need for spankings and whoopings.. my fairies will have a special seat in the garden trust me...

And i have been sitting here .. in the early morning dawn.. wondering about my kiddies.... my special ones.. and how we will keep things together for the next 33 days.. and of course .. my yearly fuss over how they will be over the 8 weeks of summer break......... wishing i could change things.. have a magic wand to wave over them to keep them safe and happy and thriving for the summer.. and knowing i have no such wand.. and can only trust to some unknown .. unseen.. force to bring them back to me in the fall...........

Early morning dawn........... time for reflection - for great plans - for hopes and dreams ....... and squawking birds.

Take notes......

i have a speech to write...

for tomorrow evening...........

for a woman i worked with for almost 20 years........

and i discovered i should have taken notes over those 20 years..

When i sat down to write i sorta knew what i wanted to say - i wanted to be humorous and cheeky and make people laugh.... Retirement shouldn't be a time of sadness.. i kept thinking it isn't a funeral

BUT everything i wrote for this speech sounded like a funeral speech........ AND it wasn't funny.......

i have discovered i can't just BE funny...........

AND i discovered something else about this wonderful woman who ran the school with one hand tied behind her back and made it all look damn easy............
She was a pretty private person............ she listened a lot.......but she didn't talk that much......... (she must have listened to her mother's advice - listen more than you talk)

This woman loved the children......... it didn't matter how busy her day was.. she always had time to stop and listen to a child read.. or a child tell her some convoluted story.... she always tasted their cooking experiments and never once wrinkled up her nose... she listened when they came to sing for her and she was always impressed with the job they did......... she would look for dry clothes for those kiddies who had an "accident" and always managed to find just the right thing for the child to wear...... Her greatest enjoyment was going on a field trip with a class.. or pulling on her runners and doing the Terry Fox run year after year right along side all the kiddies.........

She and i had talked about retirement....... about how we both wanted to just be there one day and gone the next....... no fuss.. no party.. no being the center of attention........

And i wonder what changed for her.. and will it change for me when my day comes??

And i wonder if it changes for me.... will someone be sitting the day before the party trying to write a speech and just not know what to say in a few words that will really tell the story of my joys and tribulations...... will they be able to honestly say i made an impact .. or that i will be missed..........

i have a speech to write...... and i should have taken notes........

Let's talk about........

In a D/s.. M/s... BDSM... relationship we have contracts, we have rules, we have protocols. i believe - NO i know - we need rules of engagement!!!

First let's define the term..........
"rules of engagement determine when, where, and how force shall be used."

Now this makes perfect sense........

So if i am curled up all snuggly and comfy ... it is not fair to "engage".

So if i am getting ready for a vanilla event - even if it is just mentally preparing myself - it is not fair to "engage" in any form of force..........

So if i am curled up in the living room - it is not fair to "engage" in a vanilla room

So if i am preparing to go out - it is not fair to "engage" when time is short.

AND for the most important part of "rules of engagement" .... the HOW.

It is not fair to "engage" in pinching or slapping or cropping or otherwise attacking the soft gentle skin found on the inside of the thighs...even if it leaves bruises !!

It is not fair to attack the soft spot just beneath the ass cheeks...even if it has the sub doing a subbie jig...

It is not fair to whoop or whip or start any session without a nice sensual warm up

It is not fair to ambush during the making of a meal - during the clean up of a meal - during bed making - laundry or any other house hold chore.

And if all Dominants follows the rules of engagement then they might just get a smart salute and a confident "YES SIR ....... NO SIR........ 3 BAGS FULL SIR !"

thick skinned..

The comment has been made - several times actually - that i need to be more thick skinned. My new principal has said more than once "if you were more thick skinned" .. but has come to admit i am who i am and growing thick skin would probably change the essence of who i am...

Sir has said (in a different way - but meaning basically the same thing ) that i should be thicker skinned... and i think from time to time He gets frustrated by my lack of interest or ability in growing a thicker skin...

yes i know i do react too easily to outside influences... i do react to screaming/angry parents.. i do react to screaming/angry employees... to drama inducing subbies.....i do react to salespeople and workers and .. well you get the picture.. i react to other people way too much!!!

Sir has tried so hard.. so many times over the 7+ years to toughen me up.. to give me strategies to handle these situations... He has even ordered me to do things..... i try honest i do!!! BUT they don't work - they just aren't me!!!

Now selkie had a theory - in her blog about conditioning and training that made sense to me... IF a slave/sub wants unconsciously to have a certain attribute (shall we say) then her Dominant will be able to train/condition her to perform or exhibit that attribute. (Have i lost you all yet??)

Good example.. my going naked. i couldn't do it.. at all... not even alone in the house .. when i met Sir.... Sir trained me to go naked in the house - alone... and then to strip in front of Him.. and then to strip in front of others..........and i was proud of my acquiescing to His demands - BUT what if i couldn't .... physically could not - come to terms with being naked... would it have happened?? nope probably not.. .Much like Sir's trying to condition me/ train me to do anal play - we have tried and tried and tried.. but there is always something that locks down the body / mind .......

Is it safe for Sir to push.. or any Dominant that is .. to push that lock down of mind and body?? selkie is right when she says it could conceivably cause serious damage to the pysche of the sub..... and does anyone actually want to do that????

ok.. so back to my not being thick skinned....... can someone train me.. condition me.. threaten me.. enough to make me thick skinned??? i honestly and truly doubt it.. because innately it is NOT who i am.....

OH i have learned steps to take to cope better with these outbursts from outsiders... but they still take their toll on me.. Yesterday is a good example.. outburst from employee - i didn't react.. i stayed calm .. dealt with it.... and when it was over.. picked up the phone called Sir..
NOT for reassurances.. not for advice.. just to hear a sane person's voice.. cause outburts are not based on sanity - trust me!!! and non-sane moments tear me into shreds.. in fact.. i find they can be contagious if one is surrounded by these non-sane outbursts regularily

IF i can protect myself from being around non-sane outbursts.. and from drama filled lives then i am gonna do just that! And i think Sir understands this. In itself.. that declaration on my part to remove as much drama .. as many drama creating people from my life as possible... has made me stronger .... not thicker skinned no... but definitely feeling like i am ok... definitely lowering the blips on my emotional radar.. definitely making me OK.

And yeah .. i suppose one could argue that my not learning.. my not following Sir's advice and training .. is very unsub like... makes me a bad sub .. and definitely not a slave......

BUT ya know what?? i like not being thick skinned.. i would rather set up (or have Sir set up) some boundaries to protect me from the outside dramatic forces that drag me down.. and make me feel just a little crazy......... i like that i can create... and have Sir enforce a "no drama " zone around me....... so i can stay just the way i am...

fact or fiction

i started this entry on fact or fiction ....... and had planned out a nice essay on slavery...........i have started it (for the record) 4 times now... and erased it. If you want to read a really good, thought provoking, essay on BDSM slavery - conditioning and training may i suggest you trot over to selkie's blog.

Right now.. right this very moment .... there has been a small eruption here in the Great White North.... and it has me thinking.......

i went to bed last night.. and lay in the darkness - no radio softly lulling me to sleep.. no television quietly playing out in the background. i lay in the quiet stillness of the night and thought about slavery and submission... i thought about me.... and how /where i fit into this equation or even if i do.

Ya see .. a major event happened yesterday in Sir's life. i knew it was going to.. have seen it coming for some weeks now.

Back in August '08 on this blog.. i announced that Sir had a new "subbie" (though i wasn't sure that was the right word and settled on "trainee") The relationship between the two of them didn't last all that long (i take a huge amount of the blame for that).......but they have been chatting via emails and facebook again...... and i saw it coming.

i was good last night.. when i was chatting with Sir.. i didn't ask if He had met up with her.... and for the most part i was able to forget they had tentative plans to meet up.

Just before i logged off for the evening, Sir announced that they had met up.. and He had whooped her ass. He added that she is now willing to accept a beating from me.

And it was as though i had planned out my reaction to this non-event - without even knowing it. i calmly and quietly told Sir that i was worried about "my" toys that are at His house being used on her....... and "my" ropes. (the ropes bring back a nightmare from a time long past....... when Sir arrived here at the condo - handing me the ropes He had used to tie up another submissive and told me to wash them. They were soaked in her menstrual blood. i vowed NEVER again!! )

i quietly told Him that i thought it would be best if He played with her at her house or His house.. but not here.. not in front of me.... to keep me out of this equation totally this time.

In this new turn of events .. the only thing i am even slightly concerned about is that "my" toys and "my" ropes not be used. To me.. weird as this sounds........ they are a bond between Sir and i ... and i would like it very much if that wasn't broken.

i figure let her figure out how to make toys - the same way i did in the beginning.. or let her buy Sir toys to use on her.. the same way i did in the beginning....... let her find her own bond to Sir...

And as i lay there in the dark of the bedroom last night.... i realized i don't much care one way or the other if the two of them play together... there wasn't even a small blip on my emotional scale......... i wish the two of them much success at playing....... and i remembered i even told Sir (as a good sub / slave am i even allowed to suggest such ideas??!!) that "wendy darling" can take over cleaning His house... weekly.

So am i a sub or slave...... or is it all some fictional delusion i am suffering from??

The little black book

Sometimes i am amazed how simple things can have a dark and evil side......

Take the lil black book in today's picture...........it appears to be a simple black book... THE lil black book of phone numbers of potential "hot dates" for some gentleman.... or some notebook for writing down "stuff"....... or maybe even for taking notes in class.

BUT what if .... in reality .... it was a lil black book of names............ names that were blacklisted??? Not so simple anymore is it???

A few years back - i organised and headed up a subbie group here in the Great White North...... (yeah yeah i know i have already told you that - but bear with me here)........... The purpose of the group was a "safe haven" for submissives and slaves alike to come together and bitch and talk and praise and help and support each other. The idea was a good one - on paper. It was a good one for probably a year or so...........

Then someone came up with a plan to protect innocent newbie subs.. scratch out newbie.. add ALL subs. The cry went up "let's make a list of BAD doms"........ and it spread like wild fire. Everyone wanted a list of BAD DOMS...Beware of Doms.... Nasty - throw their Asses in Jail Doms.

The problem with black listing Doms (or subs for that matter - cause i believe if you are gonna do one.. you have to do both.. cause yes yes .. believe it or not .. there are bad subs out there too.) is finding the one person who has no axe to grind to make this list - our Diogenes of sorts - looking for an honest man.

Oh these subs were nothing if not persistent.. they wanted this list. i bowed out... after stating my opinion of our need for a Diogenes. Because in my mind.. this blacklist was gonna be built on rumours and opinions and a sort of popularity poll.

Before i backed out...... i did give them something to think about. i told them a story of a sub who had come to Sir and i, lodging a complaint against a Dom we knew.......... saying he had been abusive. i asked for examples of this abuse (because quite truthfully i couldn't see it in this Dom - but then i am more than a little naive ) She said when he bound her in ropes for some bondage .. they were too tight. He could only put two fingers between her skin and the rope. (i thought of all the times Sir had bound me with no room for any fingers never mind two!!) i asked if she had "called her safe word" and what had happened. Well she explained when she did use her safe word he tried to explain it wasn't that tight......... but yes she admitted he did remove the ropes almost immediately.

A few months later this same sub came to me and complained of yet another Dom who was beating her too hard. She had BRUISES from the beating. i asked what he used and where were these bruises. She said he had used a cane and the bruises were on her ass. i asked (though jealous of her bruises) if she had used her safe word and what had happened... and she said yes she had used her safe word and he had stopped immediately............ AND...... he decided they weren't suited to one another and shouldn't play again. (she even pouted at that)

It seemed this sub had a list of Doms who were dangerous and should be blacklisted.

And i thought Sir could land up on that list too.. because one evening at a public play party a Dom interferred with a scene we were having.. He stopped Sir and said "You have nothing to prove - stop hitting her so hard".......
(you should have seen me stamp my foot at that comment!! that man needed to review the definition of a masochist!! )

The lil blacklist of DD's (dangerous doms) never came into existence - per say. BUT there are lists....... in people's minds. And those lists are spread via gossipy .. run off at the mouth subbies......... whispering warnings and did you hears into other people's ears... watching as the word travels like ripples in a pond.. spreading ever outward.

i guess one should feel some sympathy for a person who has nothing better to do with their time but spread nasty evil rumours.... or feel sorry for someone who has such low self esteem that they try to bring others down to their level.

i don't feel either... sympathy or empathy. Seems to me.. in my warped lil mind these are the people who should be put on some sort of blacklist.. some sort of warning should be tattooed to their foreheads.. " i spread gossip and rumours" just to save us all from getting worked up over nothing....... and most importantly to protect the victims of their vicious gossip and rumours.

i say we should burn all black books real or imagined and just let people learn for themselves........... and as for the gossips and rumour mongers let's push them outside the city walls and leave them to the wild beasts!

cranky......

just plain cranky!

And i have no idea why..... but god i HATE cranky

i did realize that the internet is a blessing when one has a big dose of the "cranks".. because when i talk to Sir via chat... even with the camera on.. i can mask the crankiness. BUT last night Sir was going out for the evening.. and He called me to check up on me... and how the day went. i couldn't keep the crankiness out of my voice........(shame on me)

i am overwhelmed...... i honestly am. Things at work are frantic - 40 days till the end of the year..... and all the usual crap to get done before July 1st. i put in 8+ hours at school and then come home to work here... paperwork for my PreK group (which is a GO for next year!!) .... the house to clean.. the laundry to do.. and windows that need washing... and gardens that need digging.... and there just aren't enough hours in the day........ and i can feel the panic settling in.

It's funny - when i used to get the "cranks" i knew if i had a good long session of spanking and flogging and fairies... the "cranks" would improve. This time i can't even think about it........ Sir even granted me an orgasm last night.. and i barely managed it. The body just wasn't willing..... and the mind sure as hell wasn't able.

i got the "cranks"

Sooooooo if i miss a day or two around here.. it doesn't mean much....... just me struggling to keep my head above water............