early morning dawn

i am sitting here in the early morning dawn... listening to the birds singing (ok ok Sir says squawking) outside the windows... and just kind of soaking in the stillness and the quiet before i face the madness that seems to be my days.

i wonder some days how it is that i landed up working in a field that is staffed mostly by women............. and why it is .. after 20 some odd years of working with women in this field that i haven't learned to deal with their hormonal melt downs.

i read a quote somewhere that went (it isn't a direct quote cause truthfully i didn't write it down) "if i wasn't a feminist i would have been a masochist." AND i don't remember who said it either...... so shoot me!!

This morning i am wondering how i landed up being both.. a feminist and a masochist??

i think being a feminist at heart at least - makes it even more difficult for me to deal with hormonal melt downs......... and that somehow feels wrong... shouldn't i be understanding and supportive of my "sisters" ??? BUT to use hormonal meltdowns as an excuse for bad behaviour, for loud aggressive arguments, just seems to defeat the purpose .......some how... in my muddled brain

Anyway...i am sitting here in the early morning dawn wondering about tonite's speech (and yay yah i know.. get over it and just do it!!) Sir says i will do a great job... everyone (who has heard me do "speeches" over the years) tells me i will do great - but the problem comes from the fact that talking about her love of children....... her enthusiasm towards her job ........ just sounds soooooooooo .. yesterday's news. Everyone knows this about her....... everyone admires her for this....... and i can't help but think that talking about a job she DID - past tense - makes the whole thing sound a little bit like an eulogy ............

i am also sitting here in the early morning dawn thinking i have 33 school days left till summer vacation. And as much as i am not desperate for it this year (unlike other years) i do have to say i am looking forward to 6 weeks or so of sitting in my secret garden with my books, my coffee, and the cats, soaking up the sunshine. Just a side note to Cloud who has been worried i won't have my fairy garden now i have gone oriental - not so my dear friend.. i could no more move the fairies to some back shelf than i could give up my need for spankings and whoopings.. my fairies will have a special seat in the garden trust me...

And i have been sitting here .. in the early morning dawn.. wondering about my kiddies.... my special ones.. and how we will keep things together for the next 33 days.. and of course .. my yearly fuss over how they will be over the 8 weeks of summer break......... wishing i could change things.. have a magic wand to wave over them to keep them safe and happy and thriving for the summer.. and knowing i have no such wand.. and can only trust to some unknown .. unseen.. force to bring them back to me in the fall...........

Early morning dawn........... time for reflection - for great plans - for hopes and dreams ....... and squawking birds.