Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Buying the cow
As most of you have probably figured out - if you have been reading here for any length of time - I have more clichés and old adages to live by then most folks. I was raised on those clichés and old adages !! (god bless my grandmother and mother!)
I remember when I was just starting to date....... and my mother figured she had better have the "mother/daughter talk" with me. She started the whole thing off by saying "if he can get the milk from the cow - why would he buy the whole cow?" Now to be honest - I didn't have a clue what she was talking about...... cows did not equal sex to me... it took some head scratching and a whole mess of other old adages and clichés for me to realize what she was really talking about. She was gonna make sure I did not turn out to be a "slut". (and for the record I didn't - being a virgin when I got married. Now that is not always a good idea either.. but that is for another day and another post)
But recently I have been thinking about that old cow adage.... (and no that is not a reference to my age !!! cheeky grin)
Since March last year - I have not been collared......... which makes me ... by my definition... a "bottom".
Now W and I may be back together - but NOT as Master/slave or Dom/sub ........... more as Top and bottom (and in the vanilla world we are boyfriend/girlfriend) No serious commitment on either side needed.
However I find myself falling into old habits. On Saturday talking with someone at the play party - I referred to W as "my Sir"............ and then bit my tongue. He is not "my Sir". I need to remember that.
Oh he plays with me at play parties - and we do vanilla things together...... BUT not "my Sir". And for those of you curious - but afraid to ask - we have sorta / kinda decided to leave things as they are......... W being the Top and me being the bottom............ for now.
Which brings me to the buying the cow adage............ and trust me it has nothing to do with sex.... but it does have a whole lot to do with withholding. IF I give W everything a sub/slave gives why would he want to have me as his collared sub???!! Why indeed would any dominant want to have a girl who gives everything over immediately, without working for it............. and by working I mean - talking about the parameters of the relationship...... the needs/expectations/requirements/desires and a whole multitude of other stuff that SHOULD be hammered out before the collar is placed around her neck??
I don't believe it should be a casual thing........ the rights and responsibilities of both Dom and sub. I believe they should be worked on... earned. (and maintained for the life of the relationship)
I have always preached the submissives are not...and should not be.........doormats. Over the years of living in this BDSM community - I have come to equate the duties/roles of a submissive as being "the milk from that damn cow"..... I don't wish to be seen as "easy". (cause trust me I am not.......... not in any definition of the word!!)
I believe that just cause you are a dominant - it does not give you the right to hold the reigns (so to speak) on a submissive............ Some commitment is necessary. And in the BDSM community commitment comes in the form of a collar.
Now I have discussed this many times before............ there are different collars a submissive can/may wear....
There is the training collar
There is the collar of consideration
And there is THE collar.
Until THE collar is on........ I believe the submissive is still partially free. (radical thinking in this community of protocols and rituals and stagnant beliefs).
You want the whole cow (the pleasures of having a submissive - in all it's forms) then buy the whole cow! Until then................. the submissive should be free to do more or less as she pleases when he is not Topping her.
Just more of my radical thinking .......... (that gets me into soooo much trouble)