Sex talk to myself

I have a problem.  My woman's bits and pieces have dried up.  So the doctor told me.  And is the reason I bleed after sex.  The doctor talked me into using some estrogen cream once a week to re-vitalize my womanly bits and pieces.

 I didn't really want to.............. it made me angry I guess.  I went through menopause without any HRT because of my fear of cancer.  And here I am happily sitting on the other side of that fence - safely through menopause - and now I need hormones.  Doesn't seem fair to me........... honestly it doesn't.

No one talks about this drying up process - shriveling up in my mind.  Growing old and just shriveling up.... good for what???  

The other problem is - my womanly bits and pieces may be drying up - but my desire - my need - has grown stronger.  Now that makes sense right??? Shrivel it all up - make it useless but let the body still crave it.  Yeah - some big joke on me.

That is not to say it hurts to have sex - it doesn't.  But bleeding for days afterwards is not much fun............. bit of a turn off to be honest.  

Anyway I have been on the cream for 3 weeks now and the other day I asked for permission to masturbate.  I got it...... and I did it... and .. lo and behold I didn't bleed.  That was a pleasant surprise.

But masturbating is not like it used to be........... cause now W is around .. and it embarrasses me........... and it doesn't help that W tells me not to make too much noise.  So when I did it I was as quiet as a church mouse...... but the vibrator sounded loud - like a giant cement mixer........... and when I asked / joked the next day about whether or not I was quiet enough.......... W said he heard me.  and I just kinda dried up inside.  Not the womanly  bits - but my soul.

W doesn't use me for sex anymore - and masturbating is now embarrassing - so now I am wondering do I really need this damn estrogen cream anyway??? Maybe if I just don't think about it... my need.. my desire will dry up like my womanly bits......and that will be the end of it.  

Old ... dried up....ugly ... not desirable/sexy anymore... 

(shaking head)

 just not a very pretty picture in my mind.