(not a particularly happy post - but it is truthful!)
I look in the mirror and dear god I don't see ME looking back - I see someone old.. with age spots and wrinkles and gray hair. It's a shock you know? cause my brain says I am maybe 50.... maybe!! But my reflection says old lady.
This decade that I am in is really a "I can see the end of the road from here" and that is a scary place to be. Logically I see 10 maybe 15 good years ahead of me -- if I take care of myself....
I wonder some days if Sir Steve really thought about what he was getting into ..... hooking up with someone who is 17 years older than he is. Yes you heard me right - 17 years older!!! (and if anyone calls me a cougar I will slap you silly!! ) See I didn't really see the age difference....... until this year...... did the math........ and asked myself 'what were you thinking??!!" WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING??!!
I am angry -- not because I am old -- but because I feel as though so much of my life was wasted. Some days I feel a little panicky -- I don't want to waste one precious minute. I keep feeling if I don't get stuff done today I may not be able to do it tomorrow....... everything from reading books - to eating foods - to sex .... oh dear god !! I want to have sex every single day........ and spankings ...... I want to fill every day with all the 'stuff' I love/crave/desire. BUT especially want to fill my days with Sir Steve - fill his mind with memories...and love - enough to last forever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my Sir Steve - for loving me enough
I'm right there with you with that old woman in the mirror. The strangest things catch me off guard. I look at the youngest royals and I'll think something like, 'I bet their wedding will be specular.' Then I realize there is a fair chance I won't be here to see it.
ReplyDeleteThese years of Covid make it worse. This shouldn't be a time in our lives where we're 'on hold.' I guess we just keep planning and grab all we can as soon as we can. It definitely sounds like you grabbed the right guy.
Sigh.....I don't think we should concentrate on numbers....they are arbitrary. Mean nothing really.
ReplyDeleteEveryone needs to take care of themselves (hence I took a couple of days to de-anxiety) but that just makes you smart, not old.
Lil one and Sir Steve are so lucky to have you!
Hugs
Boo
I dunno, I think that sometimes you have to look at the advantages of being the age that your at. I don't want to but I could take up building model railways now and no one would think it weird but if I did that in my thirties, a lot of people would have been critical.
ReplyDeletePrefectdt
oh hell Prefectdt - build the model railway - I know lots of folks who build them and play with them at any age !!
DeleteHoly cow! There certainly have been those times where we've differed significantly but reading this made me think I was reading something I myself had written.......right down to the age difference with spouses. Exactly the same for us....talk about a freaky coincidence. 17. Not 16 or 14, or 18. 17, just like you two, ( I tease Rosa that I was driving when she was born.)
ReplyDeleteIt is scary when age is a factor rather than an imagined boogie man lurking in the future. At a certain point it actually DOES matter. My arthritis is limiting me. My hands which used to be steady as a surgeon's now shake now now and then. And it hurts to just get out of bed.
I used to hike like a mountain goat, now Rosa ends up yards ahead of me. People say age isn't a big deal and maybe they're right about the "big"......but it is a deal of some proportion. And mortality is a much bigger issue than it used to be.
(Have you ever seen the "San Junipero" episode of 'Black Mirror'?)
nodding I think you do possibly understand what I am talking about kd...
ReplyDeleteas for Black Mirror - I don't watch science fiction.
Hi Morningstar, My older brother is also 17 years older than his wife. Hell, she is a fair bit younger than me too lol.
ReplyDeleteI love your last sentence. You and Sir Steve are meant to be together, you have such a wonderful, loving relationship.
Hugs
Roz
Roz
Deleteyes I am a very lucky woman to have Sir Steve in my life - he is my rock!
It really does matter. Age. It's just a number. but that number is significant.
ReplyDeletei see lines that i never saw before... softer in places that used to be all muscle. Saggy flab where there used to be nubile flesh.
but on the flip side, I can tell errant teens off on the bus when they misbehave, I can totally haggle at the shops and get a good bargain, and when I'm tired I can head to a seat on the train or bus and the young 'uns will give me way.
So I focus on the good stuff! Besides, it makes playing with fashion quite challenging and fun!
Fondles
DeleteMy grandmother lived to be over 90 and no one believed she was that old!! She moved into a senior's residence at the age of 85 .. was the oldest one on her floor and she complained bitterly about all the old people... they landed up giving her a job !! working in the little shop they had... She always maintained that one stays young by refusing to hang around with OLD people. If that's true - I'm never gonna age ... LOL
My sister is 18 years older than I am and I see her NOW when I look in the mirror. My hair isn't the same as it was even 4 years ago. I'm obviously younger than you are as my milestone birthday is coming up this year and it's the year you still think you are in your brain. Lol. I try to remember that growing old is a privilege- that many don't have. But the truth of the matter is it's scary, and depressing at times- but it think scary is the best word for me. I can relate to the clock ticking and the wanting more before it stops. As PK said the pandemic isn't helping. Nor is winter!!!
ReplyDeleteHope writing this and getting feedback helped a bit
willie💕
I think willie - I wrote this really for me... to put it out there - to see/hear the words instead of holding them inside and feeling them fester ya know?
DeleteAND yes it always helps to have feedback and support :)
I can certainly appreciate that. I used to write(to myself)a really nasty letter when someone hurt me- I call it expelling the venom. It usually helped calm my brain/emotions. So why not apply that technique (loosely as you didn't have venom. Lol) to one's self?
DeleteI see my grandmother when I look in the mirror (sigh!). But I too think age is only a number, and I feel young inside. However, my body is starting to produce a different ache or pain each day.
ReplyDeleteI would love to build a model railroad, especially the model village to go with it. I love miniatures.
Hugs,
Hermione, who has a significant birthday coming up.
significant birthday??? oh yeah........ tell us when so we can all celebrate with you :)
DeleteI'm not having any more birthdays - actually it was the only good thing about this pandemic - no one could throw a party for my birthday this year !
I feel you! I get shocked and frankly avoid mirrors like the plague. I remember asking my mother what she saw when she looked in the mirror - she MIGHT have been in her 50s - and she said it (and this was DECADES ago) being shocked when as she put it "20 year old me looking out of these eyes that were 50!" - I feel the same way ... realizing that the majority of my life is BEHIND me and there are limited years ahead. But it seems to me you ARE living life to the fullest - meeting Sir Steve, talking on the challenge of a young child, making the massive changes in yourlife - that is all wonderful and I admire you - and yeah, sex, well my sex life died at 52 so consider yourself lucky - your glimpses into your life with your Sir sound FULL of life and love and fun - you got this girl!
ReplyDeletethank you selkie - as always you know exactly what to say :)
ReplyDelete