On growing older

Over the last couple of years I have noticed a slowing / drop of interest in sex.  I LOVE sex - have ever since I hit my 40's but suddenly the love ........ interest...... has started waning - until ............. there is none.

I don't know for sure when it happened -  I just know I have it now.  AND when we try .......... it hurts.  And I bleed afterwards.  Now I like (used to like) rough sex.  It used to turn me on - to be grabbed by the hair and bent over the counter - or the table - or whatever and feel W forceably enter me - YUM!!  And when all was said and done - my juices would be running down my legs puddling on the floor.

Somewhere along the way - it stopped........ the puddling........ the wetness.  It just stopped.  WTF???!!

Back in October when I was bleeding after sex I didn't think much of it....... cause ya know it happens sometimes.  BUT the next time W was more gentle - slower and more cautious and still I bled afterwards.

I know bleeding at my age is NOT a good thing.  I called my doctor.  She saw me - she listened to my stumbling blushing description of what was going wrong.  I was scared that the "abnormal cells" that had gathered in my uterus some 5 years ago were back.  I was ............... AM............. scared.

She talked about other problems that could cause the irritation she was seeing (when she peered inside me) and she tested for 3 of those problems.  The tests came back negative.  That quickly whittled the problem down to two causes - the abnormal cells again - or something called vaginal atrophy. 

She gave me a prescription for estrogen - not in pill form - but suppository form.  I balked.  Hell I went through menopause and all the joys it brings - without taking one damn pill for HRT.  and now??!!  Now I have to take estrogen??!! not just take it - but put it right up inside me - against the cervix - melting close to the uterus that had those "abnormal cells".  The more I thought about it the more scared I became.

I called her office back.  Could I please have a referral to go back to the doc that treated the abnormal cells.  Yes I wanted a second opinion.

Wednesday I was scheduled to see that doctor.  I won't go into the massive screw up and incompetency that prevented me from seeing that doctor........... that resulted in my having to wait another month - till Jan 8th !!!  

In my research into "abnormal cells" and vaginal atrophy - the one common theme I am finding is that women do NOT talk about "post menopausal" problems.  What the hell is wrong with us??!!

Men can't get it up - they run to the doctor for the magic blue pills.  We??? we hide in our minds and pretend we can live with this new stage in our lives.  AND each one of us who gets to this point in post menopause - we don't talk about it....... so each and everyone of us feels as though we are the first and only one to suffer from whatever this is........

I always thought once I had paid my dues and survived menopause - life became more care free ........... and sexy .......... and all my dreams/fantasies could come true.  WRONG! so very wrong.  

In frustration on Wednesday night I told W I was gonna fill the damn prescription for the estrogen.  I was gonna use it and see if all my problems disappeared.  On Thursday I came to my senses.  Am I honestly ready to use a drug that is known to cause cancer ........... especially since I was so close to that only 5 years ago???  and you should know once I start using it...... from what I understand...... I don't stop using it..... oh I can cut back on how often I use it - from 3 times a week to maybe once a week..... but unlike the lil blue pill - I don't use it just when I want to have sex..... nope doesn't work like that.   

In the light of day I realized I would rather wait another month and see the doctor ........ and get a second opinion.   I want to be damn sure I have this vaginal atrophy and not "abnormal cells" before I start using chemicals in my body. 

Growing old is like crossing a mine field - you never bloody well know when something will silently go click - and you will be left standing like a deer caught in the headlights wondering what to do next.............