Ultimately

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday ...... and another cancer screening test. I did not want to go through the test.  I feel as though my body has been poked and prodded and scrapped and cut too many times in the last 4 years....... way too many times.

Sir Steve reminded me I could refuse to go through the test -- ultimately it is my decision.  I had more or less made up my mind to refuse the test.

Then on the drive to the doctor's office I realized it wouldn't be a very mature / grown up thing to do - to refuse a test.  So I made a deal with myself -- I would have the test -- but I didn't want any male doctors!  IF they couldn't/wouldn't give me a female then I would refuse the test.

I had a female ...... a resident -- and dear god in heaven!! I hope gynecology is not her specialty.  She could not find my cervix........ WTF??? she poked and she prodded and poked some more.   Ever had a nurse try to take blood and they can't find a vein and poke around with the needle?? yeah?? well multiply that discomfort 10 fold and you have an idea what it felt like to have her hunting around for my cervix.

Finally she found it and took the scrapings needed AND then took some other scrapings.  Then she said they would call if they found anything and left.

I just sat there - naked from the waist down - hurting -- really hurting.  I felt violated for lack of a better term.  AND of course 'anxiety' my old friend reared it's nasty head and I had a minor panic attack.

I made it home doing a whole lot of self talk -- mostly calming myself with the thought I would talk to Sir Steve and have a little cry and he would make it all better as only he can.

BUT as luck would have it -- as I logged on he was trying to dash out the door..... so our talk was postponed.

I took some tylenol for the discomfort and curled up on the sofa under my snuggly blanket.  I realized... when it comes right down to it ....... ultimately we are all on our own to go through medical tests or emotional pain -- ultimately it is up to us to find ways to cope / deal -- and get through whatever it is life throws at us. 

Ultimately there is only "me".