Final Showing..

I told you all about the redecorating that got done the week after Christmas ... well everything is finally in and up so I thought I would give you some snapshots of our redecorated home...... 

The duvet cover came ....... and we both love it!!  such a perfect fit...........

The shelves arrived and up and displaying my oriental items............

The lil one's room is probably the biggest change..... it had been a rather ugly pink and green ... we let her pick the new colour (with some guidance) and she picked a nice grey/purple........ I bought her a canopy to complete the princess bedroom....... 

and she absolutely loves it!!  Every day she curls up in her 'castle' and reads and reads and reads........ 

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to be honest though this is not what I wanted to write ... I have been struggling with a post I keep thinking I have to make -- write it then delete it...... 

I tell myself it's all in the past -- leave it there... 

It's not always easy for me to let go of things....... especially when the disillusionment is so thick it spills over to me........

I am trying to apply the strategies I learned in the Bounce Back program -- some days they work - other days I grind my teeth and want to shout from the roof tops....... 

(whispering in a wee small voice) but I won't write the post ..... cause he still scares me -- after all this time he still scares me.

Dark

As the end of May has drawn closer and closer I find my thoughts are more and more on the end of the withdrawal period.  Over 9 months my lil white pills have been getting smaller and smaller....... until this month when it is but a few small grains of white powder in pill form so small they get lost under my nails.  Every night for the past 9 months I have swallowed the pills and hung on to the thought that it would be soon be over -- and OH I wanted it over!!!

But now when I see only 2 small bits of white pill left in the bottom of the orange bottle - only 2 more nights - does the reality of it sink in........ and I am scared.  

What will happen ?  Am I strong enough to be done with them?   Will my body and mind crawl through this last withdrawal period to come out the other side free from the drug - finally?

Can I do this?

Worrying Time

I am due for my cancer test this Thursday.  I have/had bladder cancer.  I'm never sure if it is past tense or present tense.  5 years ago they found a big tumor that they removed in surgery.  Since then - when I go for the re-tests - they mostly find small spots that can be removed by laser immediately.  

Sounds easy right?

Yeah except they put the tube with camera inside me without any freezing....... and they do the laser zapping without any freezing.

AND
it hurts like hell !!

The last time - a year ago - he found a 'wrinkle'.  He said it didn't look like cancer -- looked just like a wrinkle -- but better safe than sorry he said.  It took 10 - TEN - zaps to eradicate the 'wrinkle'. 

This Thursday Sir Steve will drive me back to Kingston (cause I love my oncologist and can't imagine starting with someone new).  Sir Steve says everything will be fine.... probably will be.  Nothing more than what I have already been through -- but I still stress.  Whoever says you forget pain didn't have bladder cancer...... didn't go through the tests or removal.  I am not worrying about whether they find it again -- but worried about the pain I endure......... too bad being a masochist doesn't extend to every sort of pain........ 

All that to say -- if I am quiet for the next couple of days -- it's because I don't have anything to write about -- and one post on worry per test is my limit.

Good thoughts ..... prayers... good vibes would be appreciated..........