Wednesday, January 15, 2020
I am - finally - honouring ME. I am accepting my weaknesses and my strengths. I am accepting that some days I just need to be quiet in our home.
I used to joke that I had 'adulted' enough...... or that I had 'peopled' enough. The truth is - it isn't a joke. People exhaust me. People's lies stress me (I can't understand WHY people lie!) People confuse me. I used to see that as a weakness - something I had to overcome. I had to learn the 'rules' to this game called life - figure out what everyone else seemed to know....... I had to be more like 'them'.
That was a mistake. I can't be 'them'. I can only be ME.
NOW that I can more or less pick and chose when I venture out into the big world -- I am so much happier........ less anxious. Now I realize ... no not realize.. more like I give myself permission to live my life my way.
I have been healing wounds caused by my past - from family who didn't /couldn't hear me - to lovers who were socially inept and insecure (and blamed me) .
I had to reach down deep inside of myself -- to find out who I was ... what I wanted... and honestly to learn to be a little bit selfish ........ being selfish isn't always a bad thing... being selfish has allowed me to find what makes me happy - what makes me tick.. what lifts my soul and frees me.
Little things are allowing me to live more authentically..... like redecorating the house in an oriental theme (thank god Sir Steve loves it as much as I do!!) .... like accepting I must have quiet days alone...... like accepting I have made some rotten choices in my past - and trying to let go of those mistakes ........ like accepting I have my own style and that I won't allow anyone to define that style for me anymore.
Life is good when you learn to honour yourself and learn to live authentically.