True Measure of Love

This morning I am sitting here in the trailer taking stock of my life....... and realizing for the millionth time how lucky I am.  I never in my wildest dreams thought I would find this sort of love.

A love built on respect and caring and trust.

I was thinking of all the little things Sir Steve does that shows me the depth of his love......... besides sex that is..... the sex is fantastic and frequent and more than mind blowing......the spankings are spontaneous and never forced or begged for... 

Nah - it's more the normal every day things he does for me....... like getting the coffee ready before bed so when I wake up in the morning I only have to flip the on switch .... or coming home late from work and turning the barbecue on to cook dinner.... or his probing looks -- his insistent "tell me what's wrong" and fixing whatever 'it' is or assuring me it WILL get better.... it's how he wraps his arms around me as we climb into bed at night - and no matter how tired he is -- or how much his body hurts -- he whispers in my ear -- and we laugh together -- and finally he kisses me goodnight - soft sweet kisses..... and I fall asleep with his arm around me - protectively holding me close.

OH and he thanks me all the time -- for taking care of the lil one -- for a meal -- for thinking of something he has forgotten -- for all the little things I do. 

He honestly truly makes me feel loved and valued.... and that is a very good thing!

 

Innocent

The little one is curled up in Daddy's bed watching some cartoons on TV while I get organised.  As I walked past her (letting the dog out for her early morning pee) I smiled at that innocent face.  Soon enough the simple logic of a 4 year old will be replaced by the curdled logic of the adult world. But for now she believes in unicorns and fairies and 'happy ever after' endings.

This morning it's quiet around the campgrounds -- cold - very cold!   The heat is on and the trailer is snuggly warm and comfy.  Today is her last day with us... her mother is supposed to be home tonite from her holiday...... and we will get her back on Monday - school starts on Tuesday and our long lazy days here are just about over.

For today though we will squeeze in one more visit to the beach and mud baths and sand castles....... tonite one last barbecue dinner and one last bath/shower in the tub in the trailer.  

Tomorrow I will dash back to the city to check on the cat..... and this weekend we hope to have angelsquest come to visit for the day on Saturday and Saturday night Sir Steve and I have a date with some paddles and whips in the city (YAY!)  

Life keeps marching along at it's own pace some days dragging me along with it - other days I am keeping time and marching along with it.......

Expectations

The other day on Shut My Mouth Hermione left a comment asking about the babysitters Sir Steve lined up to look after the little one. 

I had problems with these babysitters - because -- the one at the campsite is not the most attentive mother or reliable -- and I  had my doubts about her as a 'babysitter.  The one in the city meant I had to take the lil one to the city and bring her back from the city.

When I sat here thinking of the reasons I haven't used any of the fail safe programs Sir Steve put in place -- I realized they were excuses.  The problem was with me!  I felt like I HAD to do this -- 24/7 no excuses.  

It got me thinking ....... at Sir Steve's birthday, a friend of his asked me quietly if I had seriously thought about what I was doing... getting into this relationship with a man who had a 4 year old.  I answered glibly "of course I have".  But the point is I really don't think I did.  I retired from teaching because I was tired...... my energy levels were low -- it happens ya know when you reach my age.... you don't have the energy or the patience for small children -- especially when it means 24/7.  AND being me I have been giving it 100% ........ planning her day like a classroom schedule - 9:00 breakfast/washed and dressed.  10:00 bike ride  11:00 swimming pool 12:00 lunch 1:30 arts and crafts......... etc etc etc....... 

Then this week happened.  A week from HELL that I have been dreading since I knew about it.  Sir Steve is commuting back and forth to Ottawa for work.  He leaves here at 5:45 and is getting back after 7:00 in the evening.  The grandmother (over the weekend) upped her vindictive campaign against us.   And I said "fuck it"   I have nothing to prove...... no matter how hard I try the mother and grandparents only find fault -- they have no interest in seeing the benefits for the little one.... only the perceived evil of me.  (in fact I have now started calling myself the 'evil stepmother' which the lil one finds amusing and now calls herself Cinderella..... )

So I am not scheduling the life out of our days anymore.   Oh the lil one is still working on her alphabet book to show her new teachers in a week.... she's still going to the beach every day and still going swimming on the warm days.  I am trying to take more time out of each day for me. 

The court case is in a month.  I will attend with Sir Steve and I will bring with me all my papers/degrees and most importantly the police check done just a year ago to prove I was more than suitable to work with children in this province.  Let them try their worst to discredit me I just don't care anymore.

My expectations on myself are lower now.  I am after all only human -- an old one at that.

I love Sir Steve.  I would move mountains for him if I could.  I will get through this with flying colours I am sure.... especially now I realize I really don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore!

Life is good when you lower your expectations for yourself!

 

So There!

Brrrrrrrrr

I am sitting here in shorts and a sweatshirt - freezing my ass off - thinking I should put on long pants and warm socks.  Weather wise this summer has been very disappointing!

The lil one wants to go to the beach party this afternoon -- and I am thinking we will be breaking ice on the lake.  GEEEZ! 

Camp time is winding down........ ending pretty much the way it started - with me in long pants and warm socks and the heater going during the night.  Two more weekends and we'll be back in the city.

And then the following 2 weekends we'll be packing up the trailer and winterizing it.  Three months ago I didn't see me living here - 24/7 - for the entire summer but I have.  Next summer should be easier -- I won't be a 'newbie' to trailers and the folks around here... and I'll be better prepared for the dramas and the noise noise noise. (small smile)

 

Shut My Mouth

I spend a whole lot of time every day with the lil one.  I spend a whole lot of time watching how the adults in her family treat / ignore her.  I spend a whole lot of time feeling like it's my job to amuse/entertain/help her.

I am exhausted.

And when I get exhausted I blurt things out -- things that really don't need to be said -- well out loud.

The other day 'mother' left on a holiday -- just up and left.  No communication with us about the length of this holiday -- no communication at all -- which shouldn't surprise me -- there's no communication at all between the adults in her life....... unless it is pure nastiness.

In case you missed this bit about me -- I have OCD.  I need to have control in my life.  I need to have routine.  I need to have schedules and dates marked on the calendar.  Otherwise the stress starts to build and with stress comes anxiety..... and with anxiety comes pure panic. 

Mother can bugger off on a holiday with no end date cause she simply hands off the lil one to Sir Steve.  Sir Steve can go to work without worry cause I am here to babysit the lil one.  The other night I just blurted out 'I am nothing more than a glorified babysitter'.  I honestly didn't mean to say it.......... but I am tired - exhausted really.  The anxiety is piling up.  The tears are always close to the surface.  I am tired of feeling like I am under some magnifying glass.  I am tired of trying so hard to please everyone.....and I feel guilty - so very guilty - when I blurt out to Sir Steve.  He has a lot on his plate too - trying to get his business started - working hard long hours to prove himself too.  Honestly it's the least I can do to help him right??? Pick up the slack so he can concentrate on the business......... 

But I am exhausted.

School starts in two weeks -- I never thought I would be one of THOSE adults that bitched they couldn't wait for school to start.  Not when I was on the other side of that equation.  But here I am .......................

AND the court date (for final custody I am hoping!!) is in 4 weeks..... and I am hoping against hope some sort of routine will be decreed by the courts.  I am hoping for some sort of control .....some sort of routine...... some sort of miracle to happen.... cause right now I need a miracle.

(OH and before anyone thinks the lil one is a difficult child - she's not -- she's charming ... and happy and really doesn't ask for much from me.  It's mostly me -- feeling inadequate and stressed)

Life will be really good if a miracle happens 

 

Miscellaneous Bits and Pieces

UGH -- yesterday I took the lil one down to her crafts group in the sunshine (walking not driving)... the weather man had issued a severe storm warning -- but the sun was out -- what does the weather man know?!

Well 20 minutes after we got there the storm moved in -- and people more in the know than me said that there was a tornado warning out  UGH!!!  I was so scared!  and the worst bit was I had left all the windows and vents open in the trailer.  After a couple of frantic text messages to Sir Steve -- and causing him stress -- the sun came back out and the lil one and I managed to walk back to the trailer -- just a bit damp.... and glory be the trailer was dry as a bone.

I came across some pics I haven't shared here and thought I would do it today .....

For Sir Steve's birthday the lil one and I collected some stones and a hunk of wood and with some help from me she made 'daddy' his birthday present (2 owls sitting in a tree) 

And just because we're camping doesn't mean we eat hot dogs and hamburgers all the time (or Kraft dinner) Sir Steve found a recipe on line for chicken chimichangas so one night I cooked up a huge tray of them..... yum they were good!!

A couple of weeks ago we took the lil one on an adventure to Prehistoric Land to see the dinosaurs.  I had some fun taking some of my arty farty pics (something I haven't done enough of this summer) 

And I'm not sure if I shared with you the weekend Sir Steve took me to St Raphael's - to visit the ruins of a beautiful cathedral

And just for the record -- Sir Steve has delighted in poking or slapping my ass since Saturday just to watch me jump...... my poor lil bottom is still bruised --

Life is good when it hurts to sit 3 days later !!

 


 

Sexy

I have had a dilemma for many years........ what is sexy??? W used to want me to wear short skirts with no under pants and no bra....... sexy?? not for me I felt like a slut... and try as I might to explain to him that when a woman reaches a certain age -- undergarments tend to help the dress fit properly.............. he insisted

W would have preferred to see me in something like this...........

So I have had this image in my head of what 'men' find sexy.

For Sir Steve's birthday I asked him what he would like me to wear -- he said 'something sexy' -- which honestly sent me into a tail spin!!  I wanted a new dress -- something sexy for him........ but what to buy what to buy??? 

On a whim I purchased a pretty burgundy dress - nothing special really in my mind -- but it had these fancy cut out shoulders that I have seen on other women and admired.  I wasn't sure if I would call them sexy -- but they appealed to me.......... I also purchased a pair of wedge heels -- that define 'strappy' with a zipper up the back of the heel.  I showed Sir Steve the shoes first and he said "Now those are sexy!!"  He didn't get to see the dress until the day of his birthday....... I put it on with my new strappy sandals (complete with painted toe nails) and came out of the trailer. (oh yeah --  I will add -- I had bra and panties on!) and Sir Steve's mouth dropped open.   This picture is very similar to the dress I wore..............

More than once during the party Sir Steve pulled me to him and whispered in my ear - 'you look so sexy!'

Sir Steve and I have discussed what defines 'sexy' for him... He was hestitant to tell me -- cause he believes whatever makes me feel sexy is sexy -- but I explained I needed some direction -- told him about my past ideas on what men found sexy -- and he agreed to guide me a little bit........... 

Life is good when you receive gentle direction with love...........

Adults Only

We really did have an "adults only" sort of weekend

We spent Saturday wandering through the museums of Cornwall -- and the street fair -- pigging out on Asian Tacos ( who knew such a thing existed?!) and the infamous Canadian Beaver Tails for dessert at lunch time and then Sir Steve took me out for the best Chinese for dinner.  I felt so spoiled - and exactly like we were on holidays.
 
Saturday night we watched some old movies and then Sir Steve took me into the bedroom - and all his favourite toys were lined up on the bed.  I had whispered in his ear "please leave marks" (sometimes I need my head examined - telling a Sadist to leave marks!!)  It was over an hour of paddles and quirts and crops...... I remember thinking at one point I couldn't take anymore -- but I did -- and my ass was burning hot and marked - well marked.  

In the middle of the play time I was dreaming about him fucking me -- but didn't want the beating to stop.  And when the play time was over I was too spacey to want or need a 'fucking'.  I whispered it wasn't fair -- why couldn't I have both?? And Sir Steve just gave me that smile of his and told me to sleep -- we still had Sunday.


And here it is Monday morning .........  and every dream / wish/ fantasy I had for our "adult only" weekend came true ........... and that dear friends is a VERY good thing!

Sunday Sentiments

Two for the price of one this morning -- cause I couldn't decide.............. 
 

Back in the City

We're back in the city for the weekend.  IF anyone is interested the picture today is an aerial shot of our little town.

I arrived back late morning yesterday - with the laundry to do and a shopping list.  Sir Steve got home late from work.  

Last night was another little 'appetizer' of the upcoming fun..... some nipple torture and pussy spanking.... and I could yelp and wiggle and make all the noise I wanted to (grinning)  Sir Steve teased me by making reference to my smart assed comment about the "masochist" coming for the weekend -- and in his mind she seemed a pretty wimpy masochist.  (smart ass!)

This morning Sir Steve is sleeping (gonna let him sleep till he wakes up -- it's been a long couple of weeks for him.)  BUT then we have some adventures of our own to do.... This is 'open door' weekend across Ontario (or so I have been told) and all the museums and tourist traps are free today and tomorrow.  I really want to see the old jail -- and maybe a couple of other museums.  

Then there is a big food fair that spreads for 2 blocks in the center of the city........... and I am thinking it would be fun to have lunch in those 2 blocks -- try some interesting foods/restaurants ............... only thing is I have awoken to a cloudy rainy day (see me pout?) BUT the weather man says there should be a break in the misery for a few hours around mid day........ keeping my fingers crossed.

Life is very good when you get a weekend off from every day routines (and nosy prying busy bodies)

Summer Bugs

Yeah summer bugs and I don't mean mosquitoes!  I managed to catch some mystery bug this week.  Let me tell you -- if you are gonna have the flu -- have it at home not in a trailer!!  UGH!  I was fussing cause Sir Steve and I have a 'date' in the city this weekend AND I wanted - needed -- demanded I be better by Friday!!

Fortunately (for all my fussing) it was only a 24 hour thing -- 24 hours of hell -- but at least I am on my feet and feeling feisty again! (big cheeky grin)

Hermione asked the other day on "Pillow Talk"  
 I'm glad you two are getting some private time together. Just wondering, though, aren't you worried about people in nearby trailers hearing you? They must be curious.

worried about the neighbours hearing us?? Yeah I was at first .... I can be a bit vocal during sex.... and at the beginning I used to swallow my moans and "oh gods" till my throat hurt and I would land up having a coughing fit.  As for playing here -- we really haven't done any spanking up here so it hasn't been an issue. I have relaxed considerably since that first night of love making -- and don't much care if the neighbours hear my moans... (cheeky grin).. let them think what they want.

BUT 

we hadn't played up here till that night when Sir Steve started to spank my ass.  At first I was shocked -- did a mental inventory of who was up (the campground gets pretty deserted during the week) and realized there was no one on either side of us and no one across the road.  IF the slaps and moans carried further so be it. 

 Hermione - I told Sir Steve about your comment tonite at dinner and he said if he was worried about the neighbours he would have closed the windows.  

At one point during the spanking I 'listened' to the sound he was making and grinned to myself thinking "one handed clapping".  It wasn't much more than a hard spanking.  For a masochist (and the Sadist) it was like an appetizer of what is to come this weekend.  The whole house to ourselves for 48 hours.  What a treat!!

Pillow Talk

We're alone this week - the lil one is with her mom 

And this morning I woke up to two small finger print bruises on my left ass cheek... leftovers from a night of loving......... 

They made me smile - I ran my fingers over them - gently prodding them -- remembering the feel of his hand connecting with my warm skin -- making my eyes widen and a moan escape... making me wiggle and beg for more.

When we go to bed - climb under the covers in our little 'sanctuary'  the stresses of the day -- the knots in my stomach -- the headaches (that have plagued me for over 2 weeks now) just disappear.  

I am HIS -- mind soul and body.  I surrender to his touch -- to his prodding fingers -- to his being.  And he is teaching me to be myself - totally myself.... to accept - no more than accept - to embrace all that is me -- my wanton desires.  He is helping me to grow ... to know it is ok to be a partner in this relationship.  

I am not just a 'thing' for his amusement -- I am a woman whom he loves to torture and tease and satisfy.  

And that is a very good thing!

Sunday Sentiments

Noise Noise Noise

I wonder how many others suffer from noise noise noise......... sometimes I think it is only me -- but I am not that special!  lots of folks suffer from social anxiety -- and panic attacks -- SO there must be folks who suffer from noise noise noise.

Some days I feel like the Grinch and I can his voice saying " oh the noise noise noise!".  

I love the campsite -- but there is always noise -- always someone calling 'hello' or 'nice day' or some other noise.  The only time it's quiet -- just me and nature - is early in the morning.  (and sometimes - rarely - but sometimes in the evening) I can feel my heart slow down -- feel my breathing level out -- feel calm settle in my soul.

And I realize I need the quiet times to formulate my words for here.  I need space to write my blog.  AND I don't really have much of either at the campsite.  Someone left a comment the other day that said "worried about you are you ok"  

I AM ok -- I learning to adust to the noise and to people.  I spent 2 years in my lil apartment going days without talking to anyone -- days without any noise.  I don't think it was very good...... makes rejoining society more difficult I think.  

So if I am quiet around here -- it's mainly cause my soul is desperate for quiet -- desperate for peace -- desperate to be alone with my thoughts. (not something that thrills Sir Steve - trust me -- he doesn't much like the voices in my head) 

I will try to write more -- my heart is full so there's lots to write about ..............



 

I'm Hanging in............

For some reason I can't upload pictures today -- it might be the old computer I'm working on........... 

Life is improving -- it took me longer to pull out of my funk after the weekend then usual.  Monday spent here in the city doing laundry helped a bit.  But I think it was Monday night when I crawled into bed with Sir Steve and he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight while he made sweet love to me that was the biggest factor in my improvement.  It's hard to explain but I feel more connected to him when we make love and that calm peace lasts for days afterwards.

It also seems Sir Steve is being a bit 'bossy' towards me now -- more than usual -- which is a very good thing... it helps me stay focused on the important things. 

We've gone on a couple of adventures this week with the lil one (Sir Steve's on vacation) and we've appreciated / enjoyed the unscheduled days together.

"life is not easy
life is not perfect
BUT 
life is good!"  

Exhausted

It was an exhausting stressful weekend.  Every nerve in my body was strung tight and quivering.  Every ounce of patience was used up two fold.  

But Sir Steve's party went off with hardly a hitch.  The rain held off till we had finished dinner and we simply pulled out the awning and had cake and dessert on the deck.

I haven't really slept in a week.  I had hoped I would sleep last night -- but I didn't.  I am too tangled up .... so I came back to the city this morning with the laundry. I am hoping mundane work and total quiet will heal what ails me.

Sunday Sentiments

Birthday Boy

The weekend is just about here.  I am in town again making shrimp pate and potatoe salad and getting all the food ready to load into my car.  

Last night Sir Steve threw me by telling me that the friend he had invited to stay on our site for his birthday party is actually coming TODAY??!!!  He thought I somehow understood his birthday party meant Friday through Sunday.  I was a little stressed.  See I had this special present for him......... and knew it was something between us -- not something I wanted to share until he had opened it,  (I'm strange that way) 

Anyway -- Sir Steve was up at the crack of dawn with me this morning.  We were sitting outside in the sunshine having our coffee together before I left for town and I realized today IS his birthday and that i could give it to him over breakfast.

I think I was more excited about seeing his reaction than anything else.  He was surprised!!  and he loved it!!  and it has a very special meaning for both of us........ 

I bought him a Samurai sword (decorative)..............

And now I am off to pack the car and head back to the campsite and much planning and organising and entertaining..............

Ridiculous Week

Sir Steve's birthday is tomorrow.  Saturday is his big birthday bash.  I have been going back and forth to the city all week to bake and shop and organise.  I haven't been sleeping (making my endless lists in my head) I think Sir Steve is tired of my obsessing over trying to make everything perfect for Saturday.  Why in god's name did I think I could pull off a fancy dinner party at a camp ground ??!!  I need my head examined.

On the bright side though -- all my baking has turned out perfectly -- only one hanging basket of flowers has wilted (his mom is a plant fiend and I wanted the perfection to extend to even the flowers) -- and I am on track to be totally prepared by tomorrow at 5 when his parents arrive for a pre birthday dinner.

but I am exhausted

and the tears of exhaustion are never very far away.


On a very bright note.... remember the cousin I told you about - the lil girl who hid behind a tree because of some nasty talk at the other trailer.  Well I have been talking to her whenever I see her -- smiling a lot -- being cheerful and interested and engaging whenever I have bumped into her.......... and last night she just bounced up onto our deck to have a visit.  looks like my plan has worked -- show her she has nothing to worry about......... 

Sir Steve's special present from me is all ready - finally.... despite my printer acting up ....... it's safely locked in my trunk until tomorrow night -- hopefully his parents will toddle off to their hotel early enough so I can give it to him before he poops out -- or I do......and maybe squeeze in some private time before the total chaos which will be my weekend arrives.

I realize as I sit here in the early morning quiet (when I really should be getting dressed and rushing back to the city ) that there won't be a whole lot of quiet time this weekend..... won't be any private time for my mind and soul to recharge.... I wish I could bottle this peace and quiet .... for emergencies (small smile)

But it is only one weekend and I love this man so much I would sacrifice just about anything to make sure THIS birthday is special.

Life is good when love can carry you through the chaos.

Intimacy as foreplay

Once a very long time ago I was having a discussion with a girlfriend about sex.  And I remember her telling me that I had had good sex -- but not terrific sex.  I didn't understand -- after all I could have multiple orgasms and that was terrific no?? And she had just smiled at me and said "wait -- when you start having terrific sex you will know -- AND you will never be content with good sex again".

Fast forward some 20 years and here I am ........ at my age! finally experiencing terrific sex.  And she was right -- I can't go back to 'good sex' -- I want terrific sex !

And this terrific sex does not happen when we strip and climb into bed .... no NO!  it happens all day long - from his mid day texts that say "hey sexy how's your day going".... to the soft kisses .... to his thanking me for the smallest things.  It is walking through the woods holding hands talking about whatever and he stops and kisses me cupping my face in his hand .... the sparkle in his eye while he is kissing me.  It's his grabbing my ass playfully as I walk past him.  It's snuggling up close together at bedtime and talking about silly things -- or serious things -- our bodies entwined hands touching.  It's his holding my breast softly gently till my mind shuts off and I fall asleep.

It's all those things and so much more.

It's the intimacy during the day that makes for terrific sex..... it's the knowing he loves me - despite my scars my worries my sometimes obsessiveness - maybe because of them.

It's also his knowing my body - exploring it -- getting to know it intimately.  It's allowing me to explore his body and get to know it.  It's his knowing when to wrap his hand around my neck and look down at me with 'that look' and knowing my body will melt and open to him....... or when to simply make soft gentle love to me.  

Terrific sex is his knowing me.. knowing my body.... and filling me up with love. 

 

Sweltering Heat

We have spent the entire month of July (well I have!) waiting for sunshine and summer heat.  

Yesterday I went back to town to do laundry and start the baking / prep work for Sir Steve's big birthday bash this weekend.  It was 30degrees C .....which is 86 for anyone who doesn't 'get' celsius ......  By the time I got back to the camp grounds around 4 I was a grease spot.  It doesn't help that Sir Steve is working outside this week -- contracted to put in a fence!! 

Today the temperatures are supposed to be the same and I am back to the city to cook again.  And Sir Steve is back to the fence contract.

Best part -- Saturday - the day of the birthday bash - is supposed to be cloudy and cool.  Ain't life grand?!