The other day on Shut My Mouth Hermione left a comment asking about the babysitters Sir Steve lined up to look after the little one.
I had problems with these babysitters - because -- the one at the campsite is not the most attentive mother or reliable -- and I had my doubts about her as a 'babysitter. The one in the city meant I had to take the lil one to the city and bring her back from the city.
When I sat here thinking of the reasons I haven't used any of the fail safe programs Sir Steve put in place -- I realized they were excuses. The problem was with me! I felt like I HAD to do this -- 24/7 no excuses.
It got me thinking ....... at Sir Steve's birthday, a friend of his asked me quietly if I had seriously thought about what I was doing... getting into this relationship with a man who had a 4 year old. I answered glibly "of course I have". But the point is I really don't think I did. I retired from teaching because I was tired...... my energy levels were low -- it happens ya know when you reach my age.... you don't have the energy or the patience for small children -- especially when it means 24/7. AND being me I have been giving it 100% ........ planning her day like a classroom schedule - 9:00 breakfast/washed and dressed. 10:00 bike ride 11:00 swimming pool 12:00 lunch 1:30 arts and crafts......... etc etc etc.......
Then this week happened. A week from HELL that I have been dreading since I knew about it. Sir Steve is commuting back and forth to Ottawa for work. He leaves here at 5:45 and is getting back after 7:00 in the evening. The grandmother (over the weekend) upped her vindictive campaign against us. And I said "fuck it" I have nothing to prove...... no matter how hard I try the mother and grandparents only find fault -- they have no interest in seeing the benefits for the little one.... only the perceived evil of me. (in fact I have now started calling myself the 'evil stepmother' which the lil one finds amusing and now calls herself Cinderella..... )
So I am not scheduling the life out of our days anymore. Oh the lil one is still working on her alphabet book to show her new teachers in a week.... she's still going to the beach every day and still going swimming on the warm days. I am trying to take more time out of each day for me.
The court case is in a month. I will attend with Sir Steve and I will bring with me all my papers/degrees and most importantly the police check done just a year ago to prove I was more than suitable to work with children in this province. Let them try their worst to discredit me I just don't care anymore.
My expectations on myself are lower now. I am after all only human -- an old one at that.
I love Sir Steve. I would move mountains for him if I could. I will get through this with flying colours I am sure.... especially now I realize I really don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore!
Life is good when you lower your expectations for yourself!
My maternal grandmother was like you, a teacher (of 7-9 year olds). When I went to stay with them, in holidays and so on, when I was little, I'd get similar things that you've done for Sir Steve's daughter. We'd go out for the day to a local stately home or some other history place (I was a history nut even then). We'd come home and I'd be told to sit down and write about it, and she'd mark my English (see, teacher). I'd forgotten about it, till just now, because what I DO remember is the time that I spent with her and my grandfather. She was a hugely influential lady to me. I remember painting with her, creating beautiful flower arrangements for church with her. She eventually relaxed, as you've figured out, and became a grandmother rather than a teacher, and I learned from her without ever realising that I was learning. I still can't paint to save my life, but I can arrange flowers. I can sew. and I'm still a history nut (doing it at uni). The point I'm making is this: his daughter will cherish this time with you not for the activities, but for the *time* she spends with you, and sometimes, she can learn from just doing what you're doing. so if you need to read, show her, by doing, what it is that you get out of it - make her do it too. It sounds like she likes and admires you already so it won't be difficult to say to her "I'm going to read now, quietly, and i want you to do the same" ... or similar activities. :) The fact that you can joke about being the evil stepmother and she jokes right back about being cinderella... tells me that there's a lovely relationship growing right there that, if it continues (and is allowed to continue), she will cherish as an adult looking back. Contact with a healthy, balanced individual, from all you've said, can only be good for her - contact with you, AS YOU ARE. :)
ReplyDeleteCrossing everything for the hearing... that the judge is sensible!
keth
xx
Thank you keth (long time no 'see') for your support and kind words. We just need to get through the hearing and then I am sure I will breath a whole lot easier. :)
ReplyDeleteOh I read every day, morningstar, and sometimes comment - I just forget to stick my name on the bottom. Signing into blogger is such a hassle that it's easier to do it as anonymous... why don't these companies recognise that people have multiple logins/identies? ARGH!
ReplyDeleteBut yes, hearing - will be thinking of you all!!
keth
xxx