One Day at a Time

Yearning (part 2)

I hadn't exactly planned on doing a "Yearning part 2" but something Lilac said yesterday in the comment section prompted this entry.......
Do not settle for anything less . If you do not like waiting , find someone who will give you more attention. You must be happy to have a healthy relationship .


 This time things are going very differently........ very differently.

And I like to think I am doing it better this time.  

We're talking almost every day.  We've seen each other publicly 3 times (does the first time count when his wife told me / pushed me to go and talk to him?? grinning) 

We have spent time together the three of us -- testing the waters -- finding common ground -- becoming closer friends.  I like to think the 3 of us are building a firm foundation for this -- whatever "this" becomes -- to grow on.  It's important to me that there is openness and honesty and lots of communication between all 3 of us. 

He and I are building tension for sure between us........ good tension!!  weak kneed tension for me!!  He and I are testing the waters - -  or maybe a better term is negotiating ....... hard limits soft limits everything one is supposed to do before jumping in with both feet.

AND more importantly -- I am re-learning what it feels like to be submissive again (see my even bigger grin?? )  I am learning to trust Him -- that when the time is right we will have what he calls "private time" together. 

In the mean time 

Yearning

Waiting looks serene -- and patient.

That's what it looks like -- but inside the feelings are anything but serene or patient... it feels a lot like a bubbling pot -- bubbling higher and higher ...... the top rattling...

So I keep busy -- and practice the art of distraction -- I lift weights - I walk - I shop - I clean - I do laundry --  the bubbles continue bubbling -- 

And I wonder -- when the waiting is over -- will I implode??

Weekend Fun

Have I ever told you all how much I love this city ??!!!  Summer arrives and there are so many different things going on it's next to impossible to be bored.

This weekend there was an Arts Festival in a local park with quite a history.
It used to be a graveyard until the graves were moved and the area became a park......

the only thing is - rumour has it - that bones used to rise to the surface -- so today the park has been nicknamed "Skeleton Park".

I spent a good part of Saturday soaking in the sunshine -- and the sights -- 

and the music. (which truthfully left something to be desired -- at least the bit I heard)  

Then Sunday there was a "Porch Jazz Parade".... which was a bit like being in New Orleans at Mardi Gras..........

The parade would stop every so often for concerts on "porches" 

  
It was absolutely amazing!!  

I didn't stay for the whole thing as I had yet another event to squeeze into my weekend.  

There was a Bondage Picnic in the Park --

so despite a whole lot of sun -- but with a song in my heart I headed off to yet another park for some bondage.......   

 
As the saying goes "all good things must come to an end" and I toddled home Sunday evening - exhausted, and more than slightly crispy --  but it was worth it !!!

 

Sunday Sentiments

Rule Book

I had another therapy session this week.  Usually we spend the hour talking about food and weight and why......... BUT in the past we had touched on something that has bothered me my whole life.... my feeling that everyone has the rule book for this game called 'life' but somehow I didn't get a copy.  And I wanted to talk about that this week - - as part of my journey towards gaining control over my life  -- my whole life.

We talked a lot about my relationships with people - males and females - friends and acquaintances and yeah 'enemies'.  (Well I did a lot of talking she did a lot of listening) Someone once told me I was too naive...... too trusting......too much of a bleeding heart... that I should be more cynical and more hard hearted.  

Somehow we got onto "boundaries" and my therapist asked me if I had any idea what it meant?? Of course I do!  BUT in talking I realized that I build boundaries for other people but none for myself. I just assume people will return in kind the boundaries I built for them.
 
She pointed out that I need to build boundaries for myself.....I need to start saying "that hurt me" or "I don't agree" or "I won't accept that" ...... I need to start valuing myself for myself.  I need to stop trying to be everything for everyone -- I need to start "loving myself" not just saying the words.

AND I think this 'boundary' thing may just be that rule book I have been looking for all my life...... 

 

Changes

There are gonna be some changes in my life....... it started yesterday with my taking my Fetlife profile down............. so if you are looking for me over there you won't find me 

I have some work to do on me -- and I am going to do it -- 

know why??

Because it's way past time I put myself first -- simple as that!

Symbolic message

It was suggested to me early yesterday morning that I get a strip of paper -- write a specific message on it and carry it on me all day - right up till bedtime.  

The concept made me smile ...... it was (I thought) a way of keeping me focused / grounded and a little bit curious.  

Half way through the morning I got another message that clearly explained the symbolic message I was carrying.  I laughed out loud -- some people have breath taking ways of focusing my mind.

The rest of the day seemed easier in many ways -- I had only to feel the strip of paper to refocus my mind........not sure that it focused exactly on what I should have been dealing with -- but it was focused !!

Yesterday was a lesson (in many different ways) on how a simple suggestion can redirect one's thinking - one's way of overcoming -- and how clever some people are!

 

Finding My Truth

There is a Cherokee legend that goes like this.......... 

"An old grandfather said to his grandson who came to him with anger at someone who had done him an injustice.  Let me tell you a story.......

I too at times have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do,  But hate wears you down and does not hurt your enemy.  It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy dead.

I have struggled with these feelings many times.

He continued -- It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one is good and does me no harm.  He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended.  He will only fight when it is right to do so and will only fight in the right way.

But the other wolf - ah - he is full of anger.  The littlest thing will send him into a fit of temper.  He fights everyone. all the time, for no reason.  He can not think because his anger and hate is so great.  It is helpless anger for his anger will change nothing.

Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside of me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit.  

The boy looked  intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked -- Which one wins Grandfather?

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said -- The one I feed." 

Which one do you feed?

Finding the Truth

Sometimes I doubt myself -- I was taught that if everyone else disagrees with you -- what makes you think you are right.

So thanks to that slightly skewered training -- I tend to believe when I don't agree with a situation I shut up because I must be wrong right?? 

Until recently I have never actually been part of a poly relationship -- but I have witnessed some good poly relationships and had a vague idea of what they should look like / feel like.

I know no partner in a poly should feel manipulated - or lied to - or made to feel less...... 

I know that though poly partners do not have to be together 100% of the time -- that some time together - some time laughing and sharing and being FRIENDS goes a long way to building a strong relationship for everyone. 

I believe respect is an important part of a poly relationship -- respect for each person involved in it.

I believe it is not a competition either -- it should be team work - where everyone works together for the best of the GROUP -- not the best for ONE.  As a coach once said "There is no*I* in the word TEAM"

I honestly believe (now) that the important thing about poly is caring about each member in the relationship -- equally.  The one with the cock does not deserve the most of the attention....... The ones with the pussies do not plot and plan and scheme to have the most attention from the 'cock of the walk' .  The stronger the leadership the less disquiet in the group.

I have been told to walk away from the poly group I was in.  It wasn't a big surprise.  I have felt the hand on my back pushing me further and further away -- and I didn't fight it.  It just got to a point that I realized it wasn't worth it -- it wasn't a poly group -- it felt a whole lot more like a competition -- and I don't DO competitions.

There may be a name for what I was involved in -- but poly wasn't it.  Open relationship maybe??? but definitely not poly -- not by my definition of poly. 

I will continue learning what poly really means - what poly really looks like and feels like... and I am confident I will find the right fit for me -- where I feel valued and cared for and loved by ALL members of the group.... I will find a poly relationship where there are no secrets - where openness and honesty is an important foundation for the growth of the group.  Where there is real communication - not manipulation.  

And then I will have come home............

 

A Quiet Moment in Time

It was late and dark as I climbed in my car to do the long drive home.

My mind was reviewing the evening - feeling the knots of discomfort -- feeling the awkwardness ......... and then I caught a whiff of a scent... 

My senses heightened -- it was in my hair and across my shoulders. A small smile came to my face - the awkwardness and the discomfort disappeared .  In it's place was the memory of his scent....... of his soft voice speaking soft words ... of his strong arms pulling me close in a hug - soft words apologizing for not being able to fix it ... calm words - strong arms and a soft kiss.

The drive home was not so long anymore - or so miserable -- his scent was with me and I felt surrounded by his calm and his peace and his strength. 

Sunday Sentiments

Misunderstandings

What did you see in the picture above - a duck??? a rabbit?? something else?? 




Misunderstandings are a bit like the picture -- everyone sees something different - interprets words / phrases/feelings differently.   

And misunderstandings can start small -- with different interpretations for a word - flirt becomes stalker - stalker becomes predator ...... feelings that were slightly bruised can spiral totally out of control.  Then more words are said -- more feelings are hurt -- and it starts to all spiral out of control.

And usually when I think that things have blown over - cause they should have -- they haven't and they bubble up again..........and I am left feeling confused and hurt and feeling just a tad insane .... cause I don't know what anyone is talking about any more.... and I land up feeling at odds with everyone.  

Mostly - MOSTLY - I have been caught in the middle of a misunderstanding.. 
I say mostly because at the very beginning I did have an opinion - and in my usual brush it off attitude -- I kinda made a joke (ok a bad one I admit it ) but then I figured just let it go -- it's really not about YOU.  BUT it did involve two friends -- and I did get caught in the middle.  

Have I told you I don't like being in the middle -- and I most definitely do NOT like having to pick sides.  

AND I do NOT air dirty laundry in public...... EVER........ I believe in private conversation -- rational conversation -- diplomatic conversation -- cause I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  

But people's feelings did get hurt -- and yeah some of it was my doing.  People don't believe I was loyal to this party -- or that I didn't say a, b, or c to that person - I feel like people are watching every twitch I make and interpreting it to mean something much more than it means.  (I itch I twitch - sometimes it's as simple as that)

Last night was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I felt like I was being accused of saying something someone else said.  It was suggested to me that everyone have a big sit down discussion - ohhhhhh a whole lot of things were suggested.

AND I said NO
I am DONE
It's over for me

Because at some point trying to convince people that it is a rabbit when they see a duck is impossible.

And the one thing I DID realize -- I can not change anyone's opinion of me -- I am a duck I am a rabbit -- I am wrong.  BUT what I can do - I can shut the computer off... I can shut all the noise out ... I can remember my grandmother's words -- the truth will come out eventually - you may not be there to see it happen -- but the truth always wins out.

And my last word - very last word on this whole thing is............. 

Perfection -- NOT!

Got a couple of newsflashes for everyone....... 

1) I am NOT perfect -- and I'm never gonna be -- and I never claimed to be
2) I am loyal to a fault -- even if some don't believe it 
3) I don't like "drama" and believe it or not -- try very hard NOT to contribute to drama
4) I would never intentionally hurt someone -- EVER!
5) IF I do hurt someone - i will always apologize and always mean it !
6) I naively believe in the good in everyone

AND the big one....... 

This blog -- this place I come to share my inner most thoughts -- are 99.9% of the time about ME -- about my observations -- about my mistakes -- about my joys -- about my failures - about my short comings.

I want to apologise to anyone - ANYONE - I have hurt with my words here.   I will most certainly think twice before I post anything that is controversial from here on out!

I am not perfect -- I am just me ........

Courage

Tragedy

Hands

I was driven to distraction on Saturday evening by a pair of hands.  Honestly I have never seen hands so large - so strong... and I couldn't stop staring at them.  It was almost embarrassing ya know?!  It is difficult to carry on a civilized conversation when your mind keeps wandering to those hands.

Wondering what they would feel like touching your bare skin....... 

Wondering what they would feel like gently grasping your neck... 

Wondering what they would feel like wrapped in your hair...... 

Wondering what they would feel like spanking your bare ass....... 

Then longing to feel them - the longing so strong you felt your heart beat faster  -- felt your knees going weak -- felt your mouth go dry and your words get caught in your throat.

I think I may have fallen in love -- with a pair of hands!

Sunday Sentiments

Gold Star

ME!

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday - at the request of my therapist.  As you know I have been struggling with an eating disorder.  I wasn't sure why she wanted me to go -- and I was kinda angry -- it made me feel like a child - like I wasn't working hard enough to stop it.

I had the blood work done -- and got the results about a week ago.  They were all normal - including my blood sugar (which was one of the goals) !!  That made me feel a little better

You see some days I feel like I am running as fast as I can and getting no where - it's a frightening scary feeling.  But at least there is no damage being done yet.

So I got weighed in - blood pressure taken  -- and the doctor came in.  And we talked about what's going on .......... but he didn't do what I expected.  He asked me what I knew about anorexia - and I told him 'enough' - I had worked with a couple of girls over my career who suffered from it.  He asked me what my goal weight was - REALLY was.  And I had to admit I really didn't know.  I had thought that when I lost 55 pounds I had hit the "magic number" but the feeling hadn't lasted.  He pushed a little bit -- but I told him I honestly didn't know anymore.  

I told him I am smaller now than before I got pregnant with my first child some 40 years ago.  That I am in the smallest dress size I have EVER been in.  BUT I don't feel thin.  I don't look thin.  
  
He started ticking things off - 
x my blood sugar was normal
x all my blood levels were normal 
x my BMI had dropped from 33 to 25 and that was normal
x I had not been sick at all during the winter - not even a small cold
x I was working with my therapist
x I was very aware of my problem and wanted to fix it

He said I should just continue on -- and if I lost another 5 - 10 pounds it would be ok.  He told me that I was doing a good job.  AND he wished all of his patients would go to the gym 5 days a week and walk for an hour every afternoon (that made me smile) 

So the final diagnosis - more blood work in 3 months - and another follow up appointment.  I thought as I left his office - following the feeling like a child comment above - I felt like I had just been given a gold star for effort.