Friday, April 02, 2010

Award???!!


It would seem that serenesub has granted me an award....... The Beautiful Blogger Award. It always kind of embarrasses me when someone gives me an award... i never actually feel like i did anything to earn it....

Though to be truthful - it was kinda nice to get it.. now. The stuff i am writing about isn't all that "beautiful" ............ honest yes....... beautiful no.

Seems to me ..... this blog is anything but beautiful these days..... it has been filled with pain and unhappiness and behind the scenes a running snotty nose and tear stained face. (don't you just hate it when you cry and then look in the mirror... and this ugly blotchy face stares back at you?? )

Even as the good days are outnumbering the bad days...... the bad days still tear at my heart. i know the stages one goes through with "endings" - be it a death or a break up......... i haven't gotten to the angry stage...... i have had moments of anger.. but they pass and i go back to the sobbing snotty nose crying stage. (mind you i am not any prettier to see when i am angry..... LOL .. i have looked in the mirror then too)

If there has been any anger.. it has been directed at myself. stuff like "how could i have been so stupid??" " why didn't i see it before??" and the best one.... "How stupid am i being........ just let go and move on"

Last night ..... though...... as i lay in my bed.....i did manage to peek at some of the good things that had happened over the 9 years....... i had had a little chat with dear swan (from the Heron Clan) earlier in the evening... and one thing led to another and memories came back. So when i was in my bed i had the warm fuzzy feelings of happy memories.

And the very best part...as i slept.... i dreamed i was being flogged.... and how damn good it felt......... and it made me feel 'hot' and 'sensuous' and maybe started a stirring inside me for things i thought were gone.

Anyway....... i really hadn't meant to ramble on ...........

i wanted to thank serenesub for the award......... and i am supposed to pass it on to other "beautiful bloggers". i hate that part..... cause i have to pick only three bloggers to receive the award.......... and how mean and cruel is that???

so i am going to cheat..........

i am going to award the "Beautiful Blogger" to swan of the Heron Clan for being a beautiful friend and staunch supporter and a really damn good listener !!! And if you haven't read her blog...... go read........ she writes from the heart too.... tells it like it is........ no sugar coating.... honest and beautiful...... that's swan and her blog!!

And i am going to award the "Beautiful Blogger" to ................... Blazin Scarlet because... joy of joy ......... she is getting married in a month !!! (even if she won't let me be a bridesmaid) she deserves the award....... she too writes from the heart.. the good and the bad...... no fairy tales (well unless you count the wedding in the Caribbean - i am SO jealous !!)

And ........ to everyone else ........... you deserve it too........... so count yourself in as well.......... you all deserve some sort of award .. for coming here each day. .reading and commenting.. and supporting......... thank you.... again.. one and all.


3 comments:

Florida Dom said...

Congrats on your award and you deserve it for being so honest.

You have certainly shared your pain and I hope the support you've gotten from this community has helped you deal with it.

Good luck as you continue your healing.

And hope yuou don't get cut in school anymore. Sounds like school has become a dangerous place.

FD

swan said...

Thank you, Dear, for the kind words and nice thought. Much as I am inclined to decline these kind of "awards," somehow this feels good just now. So... who knows?

I am glad to hear you feeling more and more balanced as the days pass. Glad to hear that you are beginning to be able to value what was valuable, even as you put away and move on from those things that did not affirm you and your life. I hope that continues as you heal from the hurt and travel the path that is unfolding ahead of you.

Mostly, today, I am wishing you a wonderful weekend, shared with those you love and care for.

Hugs, swan

Dinora said...

Please don't get hung up on the stages of grief. Although most people go through them they are not universal. I never went through anger when my father died (I was an early teenager). Go with the flow of your emotions. Hope peace is a more and more frequent 'visitor'.
Dinora3228