No More Rose Coloured Glasses

I have been off the evil drugs for 2 full months now....... and had a follow up appointment with my doctor on Monday.  Truthfully I was dreading it...... I had such anxiety about it -- and the worst part was - I don't know WHY I had anxiety.  (have been having a lot of that recently - anxiety for no good reason)

Have I told you all how much I love this doctor??!!  I really have lucked out with finding excellent doctors since I moved to Ontario!  

He asked me how I was doing and I said "the best way to explain how I am feeling is -- it feels like I have taken off my rose coloured glasses....... and I don't much like it".  And I told him how I am not sleeping well........ hell I am averaging about 3-4 hours of sleep a night........ I am an 8 hour a night girl and without that I feel like crap.

He sat and listened and really made me feel like he was hearing me.  He explained that even though I have been drug free for 2 months -- the adjusting is far from over.  I was surprised and asked 'how long for the adjustment period?' He smiled and said that everyone is different so there was no firm answer -- and considering how long I was on the drug it would take my body a whole lot longer to adjust......... I have to be patient -- and gentle with myself.  He said he could offer me something for sleep -- but as the 3 drugs he is willing to try can cause some dependency issues I said NO -- I am done with dependency issues/addiction issues. He suggested I might want to try melatonin and I am considering it.......... BUT I have hope renewed cause I am not finished adjusting ....... who knows the lack of sleep might just sort itself out.

The doctor also told me he saw a marked improvement....... I was surprised!  He explained my body seemed more relaxed -- I wasn't fidgeting as much -- and I appeared calmer......... WOW colour me shocked it sure didn't feel like things had improved!

He then recommended a program offered here in Ontario that is for folks dealing with anxiety / stress brought on by drug withdrawals and or life.  Believe it or not it is an online program....... I go fill in questionnaires and they set up work sheets/reading material for me....... I do it -- they evaluate and send both myself and my doctor the results.  It's kind of a 'heal yourself therapy' AND as I have had therapy more than a few times in my life -- and the one that worked the best was my healing myself -- I am seriously considering doing this program....... who knows? it can't hurt and it might just help.

In the meantime the doctor is fully supporting my meditating and colouring and doing some yoga........ He will see me again in 2 months but told me not to be the 'hero' if I need to see him before then - just call!

Life is good when there's hope and light at the end of the dark tunnel.....  

Fun Times

The week ended on a very positive note......... though Sir Steve says it feels a bit like we're living in an alternate universe.  Let me explain......... 

Last week the lil one was determined to learn to ride her bike without training wheels by herself..... it was hot and exhausting BUT she did it!!  On the road to success - her grandparents (who haven't spoken a nice word to us in 3 years) came out the first day on the road to watch her and cheer her on....... the second day the grandmother came and stood with me and chatted a bit about how well the lil one was doing...... by the 3rd day the lil one was successfully flying up and down our rocky back road ....... the grandmother came over to our trailer and started chatting about the lil one's mother and how fed up she was with how lazy her daughter was..... how she told said daughter she was not going to raise the lil one........... and then started telling me about some pretty sad events in her time as a 'mother'.  During this conversation she actually broke down in tears !!  I was flabbergasted - she actually allowed herself to be vulnerable with me!  Since then she has smiled at us as she goes by - and calls hello.....  alternate universe for sure !!!

Sir Steve and I - and eldest daughter and son-in-law - went to the Rib Fest on Saturday........ 

we pigged out on ribs and pulled pork and finished up with mini donuts.

I got a henna tattoo just for fun........

I actually managed to come home with a lil heat stroke........ sigh........ and went to bed with a sick tummy and spinning head and sore muscles.

Sunday morning though I was much better and Sir Steve and I went on a 'brunch' date.  The food was amazing and I admit I pigged out again......... BUT I didn't have anything else much to eat all day so not too many guilts (grinning) 

Life is good when you move to an alternate universe and people come together....

Sunday Sentiments

Quietness

So many good things have happened around here this week -- it boggles my mind!!  And truthfully I am almost afraid to put them into words in case they vanish like a puff of smoke............ 

BUT........

Last year my eldest daughter sat here with the lil one and I colouring........ I watched and thought I would never have the patience to do that!!
Fast forward one year and I asked eldest daughter if she had something I could colour over the summer............ God bless her !!  she brought me a huge colouring book (mandalas) and beautiful coloured pencils.  This past week with the lil one we have been colouring.  Today the lil one went back to her mom and I pulled the colouring out and have been sitting colouring ever since.

I may have found a way to help with the emotions/stress/anxiety....... this is sooo soothing (though it probably helps I am doing it out on the deck in the beautiful sunshine with bird songs to soothe )

Life is good when you can use the whole box of colours 

Early Morning

It's still my favourite time of day....... early mornings.  The world is still sleeping and quiet.... the birds are singing - greeting the new day -- the sun is peaking over the horizon.  The lil one still asleep..........

The weekend was busy and hot -- damn hot!!  We managed to get in a day of mini putt and picnic lunch and a trip to the farmer's market -- but we were all toast by the time we got back to the campground.... well done toast!

Then yesterday we were in jeans and sweaters.... WTF?!  I froze all day..... and it was cloudy and not so nice a day ....... BUT I won't complain as the weather (though hot) has been wonderful.

Today the lil one and I are off to the city to shop - run messages - and do laundry..... a busy day.  This weekend (after the lil one goes back to her mom) Sir Steve and I have a rib fest to go to........ and surprise surprise we are going on a 'date' - brunch on Sunday. 

Life is good when the sun shines and the birds sing

Sunday Sentiments

Sorting Things out

It officially has been 6 weeks since I took my last dose of the meds I have been withdrawing from ..... the doc warned me this last withdrawal could be my worst and the longest.... he told me to hang on and he would see me at the end of 8 weeks.

This past week or so I have suddenly been aware of my thought processes or my emotions.... it's pretty difficult to explain........ just suddenly I would 'see' something clearly ......... For 20+ years I had had a drug that masked any number of my emotions... and then as fast as that clear thought would appear it would disappear -- it is driving me crazy !!!

This week I took a stand against the lil one's grandparents blatantly disregard for the rules around here -- I didn't think 'what will happen if they get mad at me' - I couldn't care less..... I took pictures of their infraction and sent them to the owners of the campsite (we live way in the back in the old section and the owners don't wander around here much) 10 minutes later the owner showed up and dealt with the infraction in no uncertain terms. I didn't gloat or anything like that -- I just felt better cause you don't - DO NOT - break rules.

Since then I have been doing some thinking -- where the hell did that come from??  That's when I realized I have been reacting to a number of things differently -- like I am seeing things without a fog in front of my eyes........... it's just plain weird.  

The doctor had asked me - before I went on this drug - how did I react to situations - who remembered?? It was over 20  years ago.  This weekend I remembered I stopped reading newspapers and watching the evening news more than 30 years ago because it upset me.......... 

Now I am thinking I need to find a better way of dealing with the world around me - the world that doesn't necessarily play by the rules (the rules I understand) 
One step I have taken is I am starting to meditate again -- every morning.  I am going to start doing my yoga again......... I am going to find a new way of interacting with this world............ 

Life is good when you slowly start to find  your own way..........

Damage

Someone dropped by our campsite a few weeks ago to unburden herself..... she told us she had been keeping it in but decided we needed to know.  Apparently she had over heard the lil one's mother being inappropriate  - the mother had said something along the lines of "it took me 9 months to bring you into the world - it won't take me 9 months to take you out".  The lil one responded to this by moving to the other side of the picnic table and turning her back on her mother.

Then a week or so later - I had contacted a mother of a playmate of the lil one.  I had hoped to arrange a play date for the girls - maybe here at the campsite.  This mother honestly didn't know me from 'Adam' ..... but her response to me was mind boggling.  She told me that the lil one and mother had visited.  That the lil one's mother had been inappropriate verbally with the lil one and this mother had made up her mind that the mother wasn't welcome in her house again.

Add this to other stories we have heard - like mother calling her 'evil'  (shaking head) and other inappropriate comments and you can imagine how upset Sir Steve and I are.  There was an incident the other night where the mother was telling Sir Steve that she had handed off the lil one to another family for dinner -- the mother actually said "thank god - one less mouth to feed"..... now considering (technically) she only has her mouth and the lil one's to feed makes one wonder no?

Sir Steve and I have talked and we have more or less decided that the courts have closed the file on the lil one.  Sometimes there is just nothing more one can do... and the courts do believe a child should have both parents in their lives even if it's not always the best family life.  (I know !!  I have been involved in more than one court case where the child was returned time and again to an unfit household)

Soooooo - before the lil one toddled off to spend this week with her mother I tried very hard to give her some tools if things get out of hand..... I told her she could tell mother 'when you say that it hurts my feelings' - there's not much else I can DO ya know?? I just want to try and give the lil one some power over the hurt .........

 





 

Conundrum

Yesterday I was vegging out on the deck in the warm sunshine - listening to the birds and thought this is perfect !!! 

Well it would be more perfect if I had a friend to share it with......... 

I pondered that for a long time........ a friend........ not a novel thought for me... I have had friends - good friends - and as happens we went our separate ways...... I believe I was thinking it was time to make some new friends again............ 

I sat and thought about that idea for a bit....

and then I thought 'oh shit I'll actually have to talk to people and socialize'

And I decided that I like my own company like the quiet - like the peace - like not having to live up to anyone else's expectations............. 

And I smiled and went back to enjoying my peace and quiet and the songs of the birds.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to add - after dinner a woman who lives across the way from us here at the campsite dropped by for an after dinner chat (she's been doing that regularly when she's up here)  She stayed for over an hour......

And when she was leaving another woman who lives down the road and around the corner from our site wandered over and she spent an hour with us chatting..... 

Life is good when friends just show up and grow on ya

Just a Moment in Time

He was in the shower -- I was lying in bed watching Trevor Noah on Netflix...... relaxed and sleepy

He climbed into bed - between my legs - forcing them open - forcing me open to him....

I wasn't really in the mood - too many emotions over this past week -- just not feeling it......... 

He didn't care -- OR -- he knew better....

He pushed into me -- it was dry and ouchy -- and in a weird way very hot!!  

Feeling him in me the world seemed to melt away..... it was just him inside me -- feeling the length and breadth - feeling the head swelling -- everything fitting tight....

Feeling my lower belly tighten and my body responding without thought or prompting...

One orgasm after another...

And then him lying down beside me - behind me - pulling me in tight against him - his lifting my leg over his hip - thrusting back into me -- my legs pulled in tight to my belly -- ass against him -- him slamming into me -- 

My hand against the wall - pushing back against him -- moaning loud - trailer rocking

Briefly -- for a minute -- I wondered what the neighbours must be thinking - wondering if they could hear my moans............... 

Finally he pulls out and pulls me tight against him -- he grabs my breast tightly - I turn the soft light out - 

And we sleep.

 

Sunday Sentiments

Lost

The lil one has gone back to her mother after my first week of having her.  (wait wait that should have read 'after our week' of having her....... but ya know it feels more like my week).

I wore so many hats this past week - stepmom, swimming coach, teacher/tutor, therapist (don't even ask what happened to necessitate THAT hat!) cheering section, chief cook and bottle washer........once a week I get to schlep all the clothes back to the city -- wash and fold and pack it all up ... do the grocery shopping and run messages....and get it all back to the camp and put away.... and this week - oh joy! - I got to do that all with the lil one... I didn't even get to feel pampered at the hairdresser cause I had to keep an eye on the clock and the lil one .......... the rest of the week was organised swim in the morning - crafts and swimming in the afternoon...... manage to get dinner prepped so Sir Steve can barbecue it (make dinner as he puts it - big sigh) clean up the dinner mess - put everything away and tidy up...... fall into bed and start all over the next morning.

I haven't had a decent shower in over a week -- I need a manicure and really need to shave my body -- but I don't have the energy and can't help but think what's the point even Sir Steve isn't noticing if I do or don't.  

I am losing myself.............

 

A Rant

We had an Amber Alert go off on our phones at 3 this morning..... and some time later to say the children had been found.

Today I am reading on Facebook all these heartless people going on about how their sleep was disturbed because of the Amber Alert -- 'how dare they!' sort of posts .... and some even saying how the alert should only be sent out to police departments.

I can't believe it!!  What is wrong with people these days??!!!  If one of my children ever went missing I would want the world woken up and looking - ya know??!!!  These people either have no children or are cold hearted SOB's. (basically I am thinking the second as I know one of the whiners)

IF you don't want your precious sleep disturbed why are you sleeping with your phone???!!!  Or why not find out if you have a 'do not disturb' setting AND use it !!! 

It makes me so sad to see what little empathy people have.......

Life can be so sad some days....... 

Sunday Sentiments

Gourmet Camping

Back in April I bought myself a camping cookbook.......... and I googled camping recipes because I was drawing a blank on menus for the summer.  I wanted to cook something other than the usual on the barbecue -- something a wee bit more challenging and tastier than the norm.  

And I have to say I think we are batting a 1000 ...... I say 'we' cause I do all the prep work and Sir Steve barbecues it.  

Our first meal was lobster tails and steak -- Sir Steve made that request -- he said it would be a celebration of the start to summer at the trailer...... 
Despite the fact he had never cooked lobster - never mind on a barbecue -- it turned out perfect and sooooooooo damn good!!

In my research for camping menus I found a lot of menus that required something called a 'pie iron' ......... every recipe I found seemed to have 4 of these pie irons sitting on a fire (or barbecue).  So I thought 'great I'll pick up 4 of them too' until I priced them!!  dear lord - they were like $25 each!!  I went to Canadian Tire - thinking I would buy one and we'd just be patient and cook one at a time -- but it was my lucky day and they had them on sale for $19 so I bought 2.  On the weekend Sir Steve and I had 'gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches. I put gouda and swiss and cheddar cheese in the sandwiches and topped them with a generous helping of bacon....... another success story!  (though cleaning them - despite they're being well oiled -- was a challenge in my small kitchen sink)

The other night I made 'oriental beef and mushrooms' over japanese noodles -- again another huge success!  

We've also had garlic and herb pork tenderloin and curry sausages and gobs of homemade caesar salad.


The lil one is joining us today for a week -- so the gourmet cooking may be dumbed down a little bit to accommodate a 6 year old (like no lobster or shrimp this week) But I have made an apple and cheddar cheese pasta salad to go with hamburger patties for tonite's supper.  The weather is topping out around 35degrees Celsius (which is about 95F) so am thinking cooler suppers may be in order for the next lil while.  

OH yeah - I almost forgot - I think we may try 'banana boats' cooked on the campfire one night while the lil one is here for dessert one night -- and the lil one and I are gonna make blueberry scones for breakfast this weekend.

Life is good when camping includes loads of sunshine and good food!

Hot Summer

We're all settled into the trailer for the summer.  Friday and Saturday evening were spent enjoying the campfire with my eldest daughter and her husband.

BUT

On Sunday I suggested to Sir Steve that maybe we could leave the fire early and have some 'adult time' in our BIG bed.... he thought that was a great idea.  

So we settled in around the fire at my daughter's site after announcing we would be having an early evening.  

I was feeling all warm and fuzzy and (I'll just say it) horny.  Sir Steve and I were snuggling like kids ..... when a BIG HUGE dog appeared on the site next to us.  My daughter had her dogs outside with us all of them tied up on long ropes.  We kept an eye on this dog (new to the campground)  It just kinda stood watching us........ the smallest of my daughter's dogs was standing at the end of her rope watching this dog.... 

Then with virtually no warning this huge black dog lunged at us...... so fast and so hard it broke her collar and she was free..... she went right after lil willow.  My daughter was trying to grab her dog and I was yelling at the campsite to come get their dog.

Fortunately it ended with no blood loss and no real damage.  Except to my equilibrium....... 

Sir Steve and I soon retreated back to our trailer but the sexy horny mood was gone.  I nearly cried.  

Sir Steve announced he could fix my mood........ and soon had me flipped over on my belly on the bed and had removed his belt.  He used the belt a little bit but went to his hand and gave my ass the best ever (well ok not ever -- but best in a long time) spanking... OMG it was amazing!! And I hardly worried at all that he was doing it just for me...

There is something very sensual about feeling his hand beating a tattoo on my ass... and then between swats caressing it and kneading it.. and then back to beating it... I was wiggling and moaning and thoroughly enjoying the heat building in my ass -- AND -- in my lower belly  

When Sir Steve climbed up on the bed between my legs - IF I had had any doubts about his doing this just for me - his rock hard cock banging against my body banished those doubts. 

Life is good when the summer starts off with a spanking and hot sex..........

Happy Canada Humour

I thought seeing as today is Canada Day a little light hearted humour on Canadian culture might be in order...........  (from 'Meanwhile in Canada')

AND a little lesson on our wild beasts..........

Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian visitors!!