Sunday Sentiments

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The lil one and I have had a really rough month...... We took away TV... we took away using my computer... and her attitude towards me did not improve.  She treated me with disdain mostly.  I was feeling at a loss -  a total loss.  I have never had a 6 year old who was as stubborn ........ the whole situation was coming to a head.  There is only so much I can 
handle ...........

On Monday night I brought her home from the bus after a weekend at Mother's....... and the attitude was bad.  When Sir Steve came home I put the dinner in the oven and went to our room and closed the door.  I did not eat with them. I did not come out till after she had gone to bed.  I was licking my wounds ........ 

Then the other morning I said she didn't have to wear her winter hat (she could pull her hood up if necessary) I asked her to throw her mitts in her school bag just in case..... she looked at me...... opened the door and went out........ leaving the mitts on the shelf........ at the bus I kissed her and said goodbye and she didn't acknowledge me... I nearly blew it!!!

(I have to add here -- I had a chat with eldest daughter this week -- on a day I was feeling my lowest ... most useless... really ready to give up.  She said to me 'you've never had a kid get the best of you "MrsW" - no kid ever broke you no matter how hard they tried".  That rolled around in my head...... and helped me realize that even though I don't have any 'standing' in the lil one's life - not mother - not aunt - not grandma - not teacher - just the 'outsider'  I could still take a stand)

So yesterday when I brought the lil one home from the bus...... I laid it on the line.  I asked her if she wanted me gone from the house....... she looked shocked and mumbled 'no'.  I told her she had been treating me very badly and I had let her.  BUT I was strong -- stronger than she was - and after all the years working with children I had never given up on any child!  I was NOT going to give up on her !

This morning I told her I thought it would be a good idea while she was at her mother's this weekend if she found the 'reset' button and pushed it.  We'll see what happens when she comes home on Monday........


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On a much brighter happier note......... Sir Steve got his 3rd raise in less than a year that he has been with this company.  In January they gave him a big promotion into the office doing design work...... and now another raise.  To say I am proud of him is almost an understatement.... He is shooting for the stars and succeeding!!! 

Life is still good even when there are bumps in the road.

Out of Sorts

Life quite truthfully has gotten to me....... knocked me down.  I need some time.

 

Vanilla - nothing but vanilla

Sometimes I do wonder if kink has taken an indefinite leave from our lives.  

I miss it ya know -- the whips and floggers and knives and the pain.... and memories are a cruel tease -- remembering the night he beat my ass -- made it pulse with pain -- and then plunged deep into me -- all the while kneading my tender ass........ once - only once cause he doesn't entirely believe in pain and sex together....... despite my hope that it would happen again.......... it hasn't.  And the beatings have become almost non-existent.  

I wonder if time is our enemy -- time and obligations....... or is it familiarity....... 

OR god forbid -- 

Boredom.

Life is good with only vanilla - but it could be even better with a little spontaneous sprinkles of different flavours....... ya know?

Sunday Sentiments

Spring????

It rained all day yesterday.......... I kept it together thinking of all the snow the rain was melting..........

Then Sir Steve came home with a surprise for me............ 

a little bit of spring for the house. 

Then around dinner time I looked outside ........... AND...........

it was snowing again!! 

 

Then and Now

The other night when Sir Steve and I were snuggled together in bed having our nightly whispered chat...... I said to him "ya know -- you don't irritate me" 

I know -- weird sort of thing to say...... Sir Steve looked perplexed but after 2 years he's kinda used to my 'out of the blue' comments.

Now I understood my comment -- it came out of my mouth as an "eureka" moment.  I had been (still am) thinking about past relationships and how 'bitchy' I used to be.  In my past BDSM relationship I was always being punished for some sarcastic comment or other..... or just plain arguing.  Mostly in that relationship my brain was saying

frequently.....

I seemed to spend so much of my time stressed and aggravated and pissed off.  

Since I have been with Sir Steve I  have been so much calmer -- and honestly don't think I have ever been sarcastic with him -- or short tempered with him ....... god when I think back - my youngest daughter saw a huge difference 2 Christmases ago when she remarked on how calm I was and asked what drugs I was on (and she was serious!)

I have been analyzing why things are so different this time........ I don't know for sure -- but I think the reason that I am not the bitchy sub I used to be ...... is........ I feel valued and loved and most importantly supported.  I used to get spanked a lot -- mostly as a punishment for my mouth........ now I never get a punishment spanking and that's a good thing.  I think I always had a problem being spanked as a punishment -- it made me feel like a failure..  IF I am acting up -- talking back -- maybe we need to have an adult conversation about what is not working ........ and fix the problem!

I may not get spanked very much now -- but at least when I do I know it is for our mutual satisfaction...... and fun.

Life is good when there is no need for bitchiness or sarcasm.

1st Day of Spring

Yesterday - first day of spring - actually dawned sunny and the temps were close to spring like (CLOSE  -- but not really!)

I decided to take the day .... and my camera ....... and go exploring.  I have been here for 2 years and have not taken one day to go explore and shoot photos.  Back when I first retired I took photography classes at the local college.  I loved them !!!  We learned not to rely on photo editing programs ...... and I still believe that.... photo editing can correct a lot of mistakes you make -- it can turn your photo into a work of art that has nothing to do with the reality.

I got dressed in my arty farty photographer clothes ..... packed up my camera and my lenses and headed off.  

I love -- absolutely LOVE - abandoned run down buildings.  Just 2 minutes from our house is an area called the Cotton Mill (obviously many years ago it was a cotton mill) They are starting to 'gentrify'  the area -- turning the weaving warehouse into $400,000+ condos.... and the other buildings are already undergoing change....... so I got in just under the wire.

Enough chatter........ here are some of the pics I took....

Old and New

    

Just Old

wandering around the buildings -- I turned a corner and this made me jump... and then laugh....... it's an old water heater that someone gussied up.......... 

and then I moved on around the city...........  and took some nature shots...

 before I headed home I took this shot of a museum the lil one and I visited the first summer I was here...........

Life is good when I have my camera and a free day ...........

Renos (part 2)

About 9 days ago Sir Steve started the renos on the house.... I talked about it HERE....I was so impressed .... the living room /hallway and kitchen were painted in one weekend..... the following week - after work - Sir Steve worked at installing the back splash in the kitchen.......... 

I LOVED the final results.............

The only room left (on the schedule of renos this time around) was the bathroom.  Sir Steve set out to get it done last weekend.

One of the decisions he made was to change out the vanity..... I was happy at the thought of the bathroom getting a fresh coat of paint -- BUT a vanity too??!!  

We have a wee tiny bathroom -- and it came with a wee tiny vanity........ Sir Steve wanted a bigger one........ with some decent storage space...... he found one on line with a sliding door rather than the conventional door -- which usually meant banging our knees.  Unfortunately it wasn't available here -- but was available in our Nation's Capital... which is why we had a road trip on Saturday.

Sunday saw Sir Steve up bright and early painting........ and then after lunch he installed the new vanity -- and actually fixed the ongoing plumbing issue (like the hot water came out of the cold water tap and vice versa -- big sigh)

By dinner time we were hanging the towel racks and adding some personal touches and it was done!!!  AND I was in love -- with my man and the bathroom!!  Sir Steve (despite being exhausted from all the work) gathered up all his tools and ladders and paint tins and got everything put away so the house was ours again!!  neat and tidy and sparkling clean....... 

BEFORE

 AFTER

Life is good when the house becomes 'ours'.... and love shines through.

Success and Failure

I love to cook (don't much like the clean up -- and oh dear god there is always a lot of clean up when I cook -- which is why I am thrilled with the new back splash!)  

For the last couple of weekends or so I have been trying new recipes... This weekend was no exception.  I had found a recipe for cheese danish.  I LOVE cheese danish -- so does Sir Steve.  I had also wanted to (for quite some time now) try my hand at Dim Sum. 

With the Dim Sum in mind -- I had ordered a bamboo steamer which arrived this past week.  Dim Sum was definitely on the menu for the weekend.

Because of the road trip to our Nation's Capital on Saturday both recipes were bumped to Sunday.

While Sir Steve started the painting in the bathroom Sunday morning I started the cheese danish recipe.  It was much easier than I thought!! And instead of making individual danishes -- the recipe suggested using a 9x13 pan.  Around mid morning I suggested Sir Steve take a coffee break....... coffee with cheese danish !

It was declared a BIG success -- it was really yummy and definitely on the 'keeper' list.

Sunday dinner was Dim Sum with homemade won ton soup.  To be honest I didn't like the smell of the bamboo steamer .... it might be my overly sensitive sense of smell (from the withdrawals) I'm not sure.... but I wasn't looking forward to eating the dinner even before it was cooked.

The won ton soup was pretty good -- it had ginger and garlic in it.... and I'm not used to ginger in my won ton soup.  It was ok -- but not exactly my favourite.  Sir Steve on the other hand was gobbling it down smacking his lips 

My timing was pretty damn good -- as we finished up the won ton soup the Dim Sum was ready. 

I enjoyed plating it -- presentation after all is everything right???  

Except when you don't like the taste - ughhhhhh I didn't like it all...... we had shrimp dumplings and barbecue pork buns.  The pork buns were ok but (shuddering) I didn't really like the texture.  Sir Steve enjoyed the pork buns and ate the shrimp dumplings but didn't love them...... I marked the Dim Sum as a failure

I have stored the bamboo steamer away for now...... maybe I will find another use for it... dumplings maybe?? I do make pretty good dumplings -- mainly cause I fry them just before serving to make them crispy.

Life is good when you share the successes and failures.

Life is Good

I was taking stock this morning of the week off I had....... what an amazing week it was!!  I might just get almost a week's worth of blogs out of last week (grinning) writer's block is gone.

This entry is more a moment in time of feelings ............ 

Feeling his hand on my neck -- tightening -- feeling his breath on my cheek as his hand tightens..... feeling my body go limp with need/want........ 

Feeling his hands flip me over .... feeling him thrusting into me -- feeling him stretching me -- feeling him grow -- feeling the pulse -- the throbbing .... feeling his hands on my hips..... feeling the intensity .... hearing him ... yes hearing him is the best -- the very best !!

And after -- feeling safe and grounded wrapped up in his arms -- feeling his heart beat -- feeling loved -- feeling fulfilled 
I want this feeling to last forever -- the world gone -- just the two of us -- naked -- lying wrapped together in love.

Happy St Patrick's Day

SO excited

We have a 'ritual' around here on Fridays.  Every Friday Sir Steve brings home Tim Hortons coffee (french vanilla for me) and an apple fritter.  Dinner is always late... we just kinda veg out.  At some point I always ask....... 'what's on the agenda for this weekend' and Sir Steve will lay out what plans - if any - he has.

Yesterday was no different.  Yummy french vanilla and an apple fritter (who counts calories on Friday?!)  and my asking 'what's on the agenda for the weekend'.

Sir Steve told me he planned to store his tools away .... and..........

paint the bathroom !!  

I got so excited I think I was actually bouncing up and down.

BUT

it got even better.  Sir Steve said he wants to change out the vanity...... and that means a quick trip to our Nation's Capital to pickup the one he wants. 

Life is good when your man wants to redecorate as much as you do !

Renos

Soooooooo last weekend Sir Steve started the redecorating....... he got the living room painted, the hallway painted and the kitchen.  

On Monday he started installing the kitchen back splash.  This kitchen is the first one I have seen without a back splash.  I am a good cook but not a clean cook.  And every time I baked/cooked I would wash the wall down ....... and wash the paint off.  (to say the paint in the house was not the best is an understatement)  We had selected a glass tile that sorta kinda matched the counter tops.  I couldn't wait to see it finished.  Sir Steve was just as determined as I was to see the job finished.  Every evening this week -- he would get home from work and before dinner he'd put in an hour or two working in the kitchen.  

Finally yesterday he put the finishing touches on the back splash and I got my kitchen back.  

OMG!  it looks amazing.............. 


This is the before back splash................

And this is what we have now.............

ummmmmm when do you think I should bring up the redecorating of the bathroom?? 

Calm

Our evenings have been busy ...... well that's not exactly true........ Sir Steve has been coming home and working on the kitchen.  It's almost finished -- YAY!! -- only the grouting of the back splash left (I promise pictures coming).

But I have been calm -- not stressed at all this week.  I think I feel a little bit guilty about it too.  I know it has to do with my having my days completely to myself and no worries about the lil one or homework or routines.  I also know it is short lived -- one week -- and by this time next week I'll be right back in it -- homework and dance classes and swimming lessons ...... and routines.

But for now.... for this week...... I will enjoy the stress free calm 

Definition

About a month ago we had the hole in our living room ceiling...... if you missed that fun blog entry you can read it HERE........... 

A month later the living room wall still hadn't been painted (because of a screw up with paint colours) The landlord finally told us to go pick paint colours and get it done.... (oh he said he would do the painting BUT I wanted it done before the summer ya know)  So we went and picked out a brown (called pottery wheel -- looks sorta/kinda like cafe au lait) for the living room and we picked a soft grey for the hallway and kitchen.  

I had pointed out to Sir Steve the house hadn't been painted in over 5 years.... it was a generic paint colour AND the whole house was the same colour (boringgggg !)  Sir Steve told the landlord we were gonna paint the entire house -- and put a back splash up in the kitchen.  I half expected the landlord to say 'no' instead he told us to give him the bills and he would cover the cost.  WOW !

Sir Steve said on Friday night he would paint on Saturday -- he planned to get the living room, the hallway and the kitchen done over the weekend -- and with any luck he'd get the back splash installed in the kitchen.  

Saturday saw Sir Steve painting the living room ...... then we took a break and went out for lunch and to pick up the back splash.  A while back we had been at the shop and I had spied a back splash of glass tiles that were a mix of greys and black and one bit that had a brown stoney looking tile that I swore would match the kitchen counters.  We found them again -- and purchased enough to do our kitchen.  I couldn't wait to get them home and put them up against the counter ...... would it be as good a match as I thought??? 

It was perfect!!

Saturday night we went out for dinner at a new Cafe Bistro ..... had a delightful (if rather expensive) dinner .. came home and crashed.  

Sunday I was sure Sir Steve would be done...... he had done a lot of work on Saturday.  BUT he got up and got going and finished painting the kitchen (a lot of work in the kitchen -- moving fridges and stoves and china cabinets -- cutting around all the cupboards.  We did a quick run to pick up soft white light bulbs because Sir Steve didn't like the harsh lighting we had ....... it distorted the new colours.  (talk about attention to detail!!)  But when we got home Sir Steve was done!  done like dinner!  We pulled the kitchen together and he kept moaning and whining about how sore the muscles in his ass were...... said it had been too long since he had done any renovations/painting and was out of shape.

I was just SO sympathetic ya know?!  Every chance I got I would poke his ass muscles -- or knead them -- or slap them.... then giggle and tell him it was pay back time........ for all those times he had left my ass bruised and all those times he would test the extent of the bruising for days .... slapping it.. or poking it....... 
Seemed pay back was fair .......no?? (sweet angelic smile)

The back splash didn't get done --  but Sir Steve promised that he will get to it tonight when he gets home from work.   AND the bathroom is next on the list to paint and redecorate -- my job is to find something (shelves I think) to replace the ugly white bamboo cabinet over the toilet. 

You know -- there are many definitions of 'love' ..... but the one that means the most to me is not diamonds or flowers or expensive gifts....... it's saying you will do something and getting it done !!!  It's understanding my love of redecorating and - in this case - making this house truly 'ours' and honouring that desire.

 

Sunday Sentiments

Making it "Ours"

Sir Steve promised (after the mess of the ceiling leaks) that we would start redecorating the house.

We've decided on colours for every room in the house........ the paint for the living room and hallway and kitchen has been purchased......... 

Today Sir Steve is starting in the living room

 here's the 'before' shot

Colour me happy and excited........... 

Spring Break

Today is the beginning of my spring break.  The lil one will be at her mother's all next week.  And that is a VERY good thing!  I am more than ready for a break from being 'step mom' and all the questionable joys that go along with that title.

I posted on FB something about my doing the happy dance because of spring break... and asked the question "is it wrong that I'm doing the happy dance?".  What surprised me was a comment I received from an acquaintance..... she said... 

 I am actually quite impressed with the fact you can tolerate being step mom to such a young child. I have ZERO interest in every playing step mom again. Cudos to you for stepping up daily

At first I didn't know what to say........ I still don't know what to say....... It's not like I had a choice ya know?  It was a package deal -- Dad + lil one.  I thought it over a lot .... I thought I had a good handle on it..... I was wrong of course.  There's no way you can really understand what it means to become a mom again -- at my age.  You can't fully grasp the amount of compromise and sacrifice that needs to happen.  It's way different from becoming a mom ......... I did that in my 20's when I was young and stupid and had energy.  

I could have stayed in my apartment.  I could have made my own life -- and only spent time with Sir Steve on weekends when he doesn't have the lil one.  Had a grown up relationship -- part time.  I am guessing more than a few people would have done just that.  But I don't do anything half way ya know?!  I waited all these years to have him in my life -- to be in his life -- why would I wait another 10 years or so?! 

Are there days that I feel put upon and taken advantage of ....... oh yeah... days when I feel like I am the only one doing homework and working on social skills and how to take responsibility ...... oh yeah... are there days that I want to just pack it in and leave ... oh yeah.......... will I give up........ nope not gonna happen. 

So I will go back to doing my happy dance at having 10 whole days off !

Stuck.....

When my girls were little they used to say that 'Mom' had two sets of menus...... the winter one and the summer one.  And they were right...... winter meals involved hardy meals -- meat and potatoe types of meals -- summer meals involved a barbecue and salads mostly.

When I was living on my own I didn't have the two different menus -- I just kinda ate what I felt like ...... as the spirit moved me sort of thing.  Now I am back to making family dinners I am back to the two menus............

AND dear god !!  I am so bored with winter dinners!!  I am stuck.  I swear if I make another curry chicken... or meatloaf... or sausage dinner or even a pasta casserole I will implode.  

I  think it came to a head this weekend.  Mother Nature was teasing us with lots of sunshine and almost warm temps (well it was kinda / sorta above freezing) and Sir Steve and I went for a drive in the country.  We stopped at this restaurant that we had read excellent reviews on for lunch.  I ordered their hamburger......... on a pretzel bun.  I took one bite and thought I had died and gone to heaven........ It had been cooked over an open flame and tasted just like summer!   It made me wistfully dream of camping and fires and barbecues and wine in the sunshine.

Monday it snowed a bit -- yesterday it snowed more.  and it was winter COLD again.

Tonite we are having sausage and pasta for dinner (combining two winter meals into one ... le sigh... I am so stuck)

Anyone else fed up with winter dinners?  Any suggestions how to break the monotony??

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On an entirely different topic......... 

I want to thank the folks who sent me private messages asking if I was ok because there hadn't been a blog for over a week.  Even Sir Steve commented on how I hadn't posted since February...... geez louise!!  saying it that way made it sound like FOREVER when it had actually only been a week (grinning)  me thinks he likes knowing what's going on in my screwy head.

I guess I felt like there was nothing much to say........ winter blahs me thinks....... I'll try to be more regular again...... so no one worries :)

Life is indeed very good when I am missed. 

And life goes on.......

About a year ago -- my youngest daughter announced that she and her hubbie were going to take the boys and go on a cruise this year.  It was the first real family holiday they had ever had.  I was happy for them.  (ok I wondered how they could afford it -- but that's just the mother worrying)

Then at a family function in November the other grandmother announced she couldn't wait for the cruise......... that she was going......... and that my daughter and hubbie had paid for her...... (though she did say something about paying them back a little bit at a time)

I was gob smacked.  I thought "family" holiday meant mom, dad, and the boys.  Apparently I was wrong.  and it hurt.  A lot.  The thought screamed at me "guess you're not family"

I did try to approach the subject (ok ok my method was pretty passive aggressive ) and daughter said " so come too".  Sorry there's no way I could wrap my head around finding the money for a flight/cruise and assorted expenses in under a month.  AND if I was really wanted ........ why wasn't I 'invited' a year ago?!

I thought I had handled the whole situation -- put it behind me.  Until Sunday when they left......... and posted a "family" pic at the airport....... Mom Dad 3 boys AND the other grandmother. It hurt me -- deeply.   

This week my voices have been nattering at me......... mostly stuff like I drove her away... wasn't attentive enough .... didn't do enough for her.... looking back - far back -- tough mother I was... probably not a particularly good mother.  That's why she has settled on the inlaw family as her family......... I deserve it......... (that sort of thing)  But I only have to look at my eldest daughter to know I did something right in my mothering.... something right for one of them.  

It's not a good week for me to try and be rational about this...... after 2 months I have cut back those nasty drugs again...... and my body and mind are reeling....... 

Sometimes life can be hurtful........ and that's not a good thing.