GRUMPY

This is gonna be a grumpy day.......... 

the lil one is off today -- it's a PA day -- so back when I wasn't grumpy I agreed to a day shopping with her and a friend from the campgrounds.. Today I am questioning my sanity

It's bloody cold and I am done with the cold -- yet because this friend is coming and we're gonna use my car for the day I was outside at butt crack of dawn shoveling off the back walk to my car so this friend doesn't kill herself

THEN Sir Steve called and said he had forgotten to put the booster seat in my car and now I have to run over to his work -- during his coffee break -- and get the seat....... so much for my schedule........ 

THEN as I was trying to eat my breakfast and most importantly have my coffee the contractors showed up to continue working on the ceiling...... only they can't start down here cause only one worker showed up......... so I have to report to them when I am going out.......... 

UGH

I am getting grumpier typing this.............. 

Keep your fingers crossed that by the end of today I don't bite someone's head off... it's that kind of day

Update

I want to thank everyone who took the time to encourage me to think about hearing aids from a different point of view.  Believe me I know how silly I was sounding... and how vain....... but ya know -- some days it's hard to see the trees for the forest.

I saw the ear doctor -- wasn't terribly impressed by his 'bed side' manner though I did like his technician who did the testing.  Got a question for those of you who have hearing aids..... did those ear pieces hurt you??? She did a test on my ear drum and dear god !!  I thought she had pierced it !!  It hurt so badly.  and those ear buds they put in for the test -- UGH!!  it felt like my ears were gonna explode....... sigh.... I was probably being a big baby

The final verdict though was........ I do have some hearing loss but nothing more than they see in people in my age.  The doctor did suggest I might want to get some hearing aids though I didn't really need them.  Why would he suggest I spend all that money on something I don't really need??!!  Anyway -- the final assessment was they don't need to see me for 2 years........

So for the next 2 years I will squirrel some money away so I can buy them when / if I need them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news........ we had more water problems around here.... only this time it was a broken water main across the street.  Didn't really affect us except for the short time they had to turn the water off to the street while they replaced the pipes.......and not much sleep all night while they dug up the street ........  

OH and Sir Steve was sick all weekend -- so no play time or snuggling time.... which is why there wasn't a Monday Morning Report per say.  He's on the mend so here's hoping this weekend will involve some 'us' time.

Yesterday the lil one had her check up at the doctor's.  Sir Steve and I have been watching her pack on the weight..... and have been a little concerned.  It's kind of a bone of contention....... she eats healthy with us but 'mom' bribes with food - and snacks mostly come from the junk food section of the food guide.  The doctor was very politically correct and we didn't hear the word 'fat' or 'diet' ....... but she did stress the need for cutting back on her sugars....... they weighed her of course and both Sir Steve and I were a little shocked.... she's about 10 pounds over the top of the scale. Now Sir Steve needs to try and sit down with the mother and see if we can't get her on the same page -- well at least in the same book -- as us.  We came home with some ideas to cut back on the sugars at our house -- and the doctor will see her in 4 months..... yes a follow up cause the word diabetes was bandied about during the check up.  

Life is good when you can muddle through .........

Struggling......

Most of the time I don't think about the age difference between Sir Steve and myself... most of the time (though I do believe it's always just lurking at the back of my mind)

BUT right now -- today......

I look in the mirror and see an old face looking back at me.... my hands are wrinkled and have age spots ....... 

I hate it !! I want to look younger and god if I had the money I would probably do something more drastic than using lotions and creams........ 

Sir Steve is always telling me it is only a number and it doesn't bother him at all -- and what the rest of the world thinks doesn't matter.  (yeah well when someone asked if I was his mother ??!!!  that was pretty much my worst nightmare)

It's all come to the surface again because a couple of months ago Sir Steve asked me to speak to my doctor about my hearing.  I frequently ask him to repeat things..... which then got me noticing how often I turn the volume up on the television -- or how often in crowds I can't follow conversations - it's all just noise.

Today I am seeing a hearing doctor for a hearing exam.  What if I really am losing my hearing?? What if I really do need hearing aids???  UGH!!  just another sign I am old -- as old as dirt.

And worse than that........ I have checked the prices of hearing aids...... dear god in heaven!!!  way over my budget -- between $1000 - $2000 per ear!!!!  AND our medicare doesn't cover it............ 

~~~~~~

AND yes I know I sound whiny and I should be counting my blessings...... but today in this moment I am feeling old .......... and ugly.

Sunday Music

A few years ago -- when my life fell apart and I do mean fell apart!!  and I didn't know if I could even get up in the morning...... my eldest daughter sent me the following song....

I listened and I cried ..... oh how I cried..... she was telling me she had faith in me ... I could do this!  I mustn't give up........






Then yesterday morning she sent me this version of the same song..... and I cried again!!  I have come so far from the first version........ from not being able to see myself getting out of bed and facing the world..... I have come so very far !!! 






I have taken back my life with the help of Sir Steve...... and life has never been better...

My 'power is turned on and I am being strong' .... cause I did have 'a whole lot of fight left in me' 

Life is good when someone believes in you

Just an Early Morning Chat........

I know I haven't been around much this week....... it's just been one of THOSE weeks.

It started off with a major snow storm and arctic colds on Sunday -- and went downhill from there.  There was so much snow to shovel we ran out of places to put it.... it was so bloody cold they cancelled school buses for 4 straight days so the children didn't have to stand on street corners (they said frostbite could happen in just 10 minutes!)  The schools were open so Sir Steve drove the lil one back and forth for the 4 days.......

The contractors were here working on the leaky bathroom upstairs and were in and out of our apartment ...... on Tuesday night the 'boss man' was cleaning up their crap down here -- and lifted his ladder to carry it out the door and managed to drop it -- right on top of my laptop breaking it!!

Wednesday was an ugly day for me -- tears over my precious laptop -- trying to find one similar to replace it (the contractor didn't argue at all simply agreed to pay for a new one) 

Thursday and Friday the contractors were working down here putting up gyproc and plastering over it....... can I say mess??  As well... I had asked a 'friend' who supposedly has a business to do lawn care and clear snow to come and push back our snow banks..... (and of course I was gonna pay for it) -- waited 2 days and he never came!!  GOD !!!  and all he does is bitch and complain he has no money!!  and business is slow and woe's is me no money to pay bills -- and yet he just doesn't show up to do a job??!!!  Thanks to our contractor who knew someone who knew someone -- I found a wonderful young man yesterday who was more than willing to move our snowbanks -- and said any time I needed him he'd come and clear our parking spaces !!

BUT --  people -- and talking -- and people -- and noise -- and people and dirt !!  I just don't do well with people around me all the time (obviously not Sir Steve -- people as in outsiders) ... I love my peace and quiet -- need my peace and quiet to maintain peace and quiet in my soul........ 

Ahh well -- it's Saturday -- the lil one is at her mom's .... the contractors won't be back till Monday (and hopefully with the new laptop which was ordered) and there's nothing major on the agenda for the weekend -- time to lap up the peace and quiet and soak in the love of my Sir....... 

A Meme.....

Hermione posted this meme yesterday -- I used to love memes -- and as it has been a while since I did one... and because I found this one to be new and interesting ... I decided to do it.

IF you decide to do it -- leave a comment saying so ... and then we can all learn a little bit more about you....... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


1.What bill do you hate paying the most?
Hands down it has to be car payments

2. When is the last time you had a romantic dinner?
The week before my birthday when Sir Steve proposed to me

3. What do you really want to be doing right now?
I would really love to be at the campgrounds soaking in the warm summer sunshine
BUT it's January ...... sadly have to wait another 4 months

4. How many colleges did you attend?
two


5. Why did you choose the shirt you are wearing right now?
Because it's warm and it's -27 outside

6. Thoughts on gas prices right now?
surprisingly low

7. First thought when the alarm goes off in the morning?
don't have an alarm clock and even when I did I always woke up before it went off
usually my first thoughts in the morning are what I have to do that day

8. Last thought you have before going to bed?
how nice it is to snuggle with Sir Steve

9. Do you miss being a child?
not really no -- being a child is hard work

10. What errand/chore do you hate doing the most?
shopping ....... any and all shopping

11. Up early or sleeping in?
always up early -- definitely a morning person

12. Found love yet?
Absolutely

13. Favorite lunch meat?
don't have one -- really don't like any lunch meat


14. What do you get at Walmart every single time?
every single time??? clothes for the lil one I guess

15. Lake or ocean?
Now that's hard -- love sitting by the ocean smelling the sea air -- but the RV is at a lake/pond......

16. Is marriage outdated?
No I wouldn't say outdated -- but not necessary for a loving relationship

17. Ever crash your vehicle?
Nope never -- had a couple of fender benders though -- but am proud to say they weren't my fault !

18. Strangest place you’ve brushed your teeth?
Can't say I've ever brushed them in a strange place

19. Somewhere you’ve never been but want to go?
Japan


20. At this point in your life would you want to start a new career?
Nope am totally enjoying retirement - this time round
 
21. How old are you?
(as my grandmother used to say) as old as my tongue but a little bit older than my teeth..... or another favourite " as old as dirt"

22. Do you have a go to person?
not really I am pretty independent -- though I will go to Sir Steve if things are out of hand

23. Are you where you want to be in life?i
in love ... loved... contented..... yup I would say I am exactly where I want to be

24. Growing up what cartoons did you watch?
I didn't really watch cartoons -- but I did watch Lassie and Roy Rogers
 
25. What about you do you think has changed since you were in high school?
almost everything -- more confident -- less insecure -- less of a people pleaser
 
26. Looking back was high school the best years of your life?
nope not at all 

27. Are there times you still feel like a kid?
yes -- at Christmas mostly|
and when Sir Steve and I play together

28. Did you have a pager?
No.


29. Was there a hangout spot when you were a teenager?
yes the look out in Westmount -- or the one at Mount Royal

30. Were you the type of kid you would want your children to hang out with?
I don't know -- probably not -- I was a "goodie two shoes"  - I still don't like "goodie two shoes"

31. Was there a teacher or authority figure that stood out to you?
Absolutely -- Miss Rutenberg my grade one teacher -- she gave me the love/desire to be a teacher


32. Do you tell stories that start with when I was your age?
God NO!  though I do tend to say to the lil one .. 'when "A" or "L" (my daughters) were little............ (fill in the blanks)

Kodokushi

(this picture from Google came with the Japanese word "Kodokushi" which apparently means 'dying alone')


Last evening there were sirens and flashers ..... a fire truck and then the paramedics and then the police arrived one block down from us.  There was a lot of activity -- a lot of people most of the evening.  

It turns out the neighbour - a block down from us - died in his sleep Sunday night.  How sad is that?!  I couldn't get over the deep sadness that built in my heart.... to die alone..... to not be found for 24 hours.  

Being me - my mind went to when I was living on my own - it could easily be 24 hours before anyone missed me.... especially since I am a loner and can happily go days without seeing/talking to anyone.  I have 2 daughters but we most definitely do not speak every day.  It could have happened to me -- pre Sir Steve.

In a world that is so connected by the internet and social media it is even more disturbing that people are dying unnoticed.  We the living are so busy with our lives we don't check on neighbours or family who are elderly (and even those who aren't) and live alone.  This past weekend with the subzero temperatures here in the Great White North the news channels were reminding us to check on neighbours -- to check on family -- make sure everyone was warm and coping.

And yet a neighbour died on Sunday ........ alone

The Reality of it .........

It was a cold snowy weekend and Sir Steve and I basically binge watched Lucifer all weekend -- well between shoveling the snow........... 

Sunday afternoon I was snuggled on the sofa not really watching the show -- just letting my mind wander...... and OH where it wandered...... 

This whole idea played out in my mind like a full length erotic film..... I was kneeling between Sir Steve's legs..... slowly undoing his belt and pulling it off ...... then unzipping his pants...... sliding my hand in... looking up at him as I did ... sensually licking my lips ... telling him how much I wanted/needed his cock....freeing his cock - loving the length and breadth of it as it sprang out of his trousers... lowering my mouth over the tip ... savoring the taste and smell of it... sliding my mouth down slowly..... listening to his soft moan... feeling his body arch up trying to force it further down my 
throat ...................... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Reality went more like this.........

I walked over to his chair and slowly painfully knelt -- while Sir Steve grabbed my arm saying "don't kneel - your knees!!!"  ........ I tried to undo his belt..... it took some struggling..... I didn't even try to pull it off...... I opened his jeans and tried to slide my hand in..... he was wearing track pants underneath!! (cause it was F**KING cold out when we were shoveling!)  and all I managed to grab were the red ties in the waist band..... that brought on the first fit of giggles...... 

Sir Steve wiggled around and made access a little easier.... I reached in and found his cock -- small and hiding (again from the F**KING cold) ... I coaxed it out (ok ok I yanked it out) By this point we were both laughing so hard!!  especially when I made a crack about how sensual / sexy this was.......

I did lower my mouth over the tip... did savor the feel of it in my mouth..... did question why it had been so long since I did this.......... 

THEN more Reality 

the dog started whining cause she wanted to know what we were doing....... my shoulders (already sore from shoveling) started to ache from the position I was in...... my knees (always stiff and sore when I try to kneel) began to ache with a pulsing reminder I wasn't 30 anymore...... my focus became trying to adjust my body to ease the aches..... and finally after a much shorter time than I had imagined I had to stop and struggle to get up...........

The Final Reality....... 

Sir Steve enjoyed a blow job ........ later we went to the bedroom and had amazing sex in the comfort of the bed ............ 

Life is good when you can laugh over the daydream and still have an amazing sexy time together.......

Sunday Sentiments

Light at the End of the Tunnel...... (maybe?)

Remember this .................

 from New Year's Day??? 


Well the contractor showed up yesterday and started the renos in the upstairs bathroom....... which made my day interesting -- as there's a hole in the hole and bits and pieces kept dropping through into our living room...... like nails and screws and the best bit was a piece of wood that nearly hit me as I walked under the hole (made a note to take the long way round to the kitchen when they are working)

They are back this morning hammering and sawing and clunking up and down the stairs making the dog bark like mad....... hopefully by early next week they will have finished the bathroom upstairs and be done here fixing our holey ceiling...... 


Life is good when I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel !!

Good News (for a change)

I've been kinda busy this week......... and couldn't share a word of it till I was sure.... I bought a new car !!!!

It's a 2018 Kia Soul.  

On Sunday I went on line looking to see what was out there - that I could afford.  Sir Steve had been making noises about getting me into an SUV -- a little bigger car so he didn't worry so much about me when I am out there driving.   I saw this lil one right off..... I groaned and said 'ORANGE?!  I don't think so!!' and continued looking.... but that lil orange car kept nagging at me.... it was kinda cute ... and I certainly wouldn't see it everywhere I looked..... I kept going back to look at it.  

Finally Sir Steve suggested we go take a look at it.... Unfortunately the dealer didn't have it on the lot and had to bring it in.  So we went back Monday night to see it and take it for a test drive.  While I was driving it I was sorta flip flopping on buying it.  I had done my research on Kias - especially the new ones.  By the time we got back to the dealer's I had made up my mind.  The lil one (who believes all cars should have a name) declared we should call it 'S's pumpkin' ...... I had an irrational dislike of the name........ it sounded mean and nasty !!  (ok ok so I had this sudden protectiveness towards my lil orange car) I said "NO it will not be called THAT.  I'll decide on a name for it!!"  (have I mentioned I'm a little bit cranky during this withdrawal process - grinning) 

Decision made -- paper work in the system -- we went home for a quick take out dinner.  

Last evening we went to pick it up.  I announced to the lil one and Sir Steve that IF the car had to have a name -- it would be - from this point on -- 'The Wild One'........ cause when I am puttering around town I will feel like a wild woman driving a bright orange car (at my age!!)

Once the plates were on it... the final paper work signed ........ they had to take a picture of me with the car.  They said it would go up on Facebook.  The lil one shrieked "S is gonna be famous ... S is gonna be famous!!!  Her picture is gonna be on Facebook!!"   

Life is good when you go a little wild and become 'famous' 

Best Laid Plans

What can I say?? how about UGH!!

It started when I weighed myself the other day....... remember I said my weight was only fluctuating by 2 - 4 pounds??? WELL I lied..... not really but ya know what I mean.... I got on the scales and threw a fit -- I was up 6 ... count 'em S I X.... pounds!!!  I thought the scales were broken!!  Then I thought about all the treats we consumed from December through to January... how many ordered in meals we had.. how many times we went to a restaurant for a meal.......... 


yup 6 pounds seemed about right.

It didn't make me happy -- so I vowed I would go to the gym 3 days a week and the other 2 days I would walk -- either at the gym or just around the neighbourhood. 

Today was supposed to be a gym day...... upper body strength.  When I woke up it was snowing lightly -- I checked the weather forecast 'possible flurries'.  When I took the lil one to the bus we have a full on storm -- blowing snow and cold... 

(big sigh)

There is no way I have any desire to venture out in THIS !!!

 Best laid plans................. (bigger sigh)

Exhausted

It was a busy exhausting weekend....... 

We had a delightful birthday celebration for my son in law.... all the family together feasting and laughing and talking.  There was a new addition to the family -- Chaos -- cute as a button and not the least bit daunted by the bigger dogs ..........

Sunday Sir Steve and I did some window shopping  ........ and had lunch out at a new restaurant....  beef kabobs and very fresh naan........ totally yummy!

The one thing missing from the weekend was play time and sex.  It makes me angry .... and guilty...... this no sex drive... these headaches and muscle aches that steal our adult times ..........  4 more months ..... maybe 5 ...... such a long time before I get my mind and body back.......... 

I did manage to get to the gym yesterday..... YAY me!!  and am heading off again this morning ..  I keep hoping that exercise will help .......... it isn't ....... but hope reigns eternal.

Sunday Sentiments

Saturday

It's a lazy Saturday morning..... coffee and DVR shows...... relaxing chilling....

Chilling -- yeah well chilly is a good word for it... it's -20 or so here (-4 for you Fahrenheit folks) but the sun is shining so the cold isn't AS noticeable.

Come lunch time we'll be moving and grooving ..... heading off to our Nation's Capital for son-in-law's birthday...... it's a big one -- a good excuse to party. 

Life is good when the sun shines and family gathers.

Guilt

I have to say right here at the beginning that I KNOW these feelings are mostly the withdrawals -- mostly the chemical imbalance in my brain and  body right now....

I feel so guilty -- I feel like I am not holding up my end of this relationship -- 
I barely got the laundry done this week -- I have struggled with making meals (thank god Sir Steve ordered in pizza one night!) -- I haven't swept or dusted or vacuumed (though I did get the bathroom cleaned)  I have only managed to get to the gym 2 days -- and my food cravings!!!  it's like being pregnant -- or pmsing.... I want salt and chocolate -- and trust me neither of those things are on my healthy eating program

Climb on my merry go round --- 

'if I went to the gym I would lose weight and my body would be more desirable -- If I didn't eat the junk then maybe I could miss a day or two at the gym -- If I don't go to the gym I should at least be cleaning cause it burns calories instead of sitting on the sofa'   

then it's 

'I have to be kind to myself -- I am going through hell with these withdrawals -- Sir Steve is always telling me he's proud of me for pushing through this -- Sir Steve has no expectations of me - other than doing what I can'   BUT I should push through this -- why can't I push this??? what am I good for if I can't even clean a house or make a meal???   

I think the emotional side effects are worse than the physical.........

 

BAD DAY

Today is a terrible horrible no good very bad day.

I think I did too much yesterday -- at the gym -- then I did groceries -- and ran messages.  My body hurt bad in the afternoon.  My mind hurt.  

Today I decided not to go to the gym...... take it slow was my thought.  By the time I put the lil one on the bus I was in tears.  Everything hurt -- not just my muscles but my whole body.  DAMN these withdrawals !! 

I want to clean the house -- I want to iron the clothes.  I want to curl up on the sofa and not move.

AND 
then I came to write this blog and discovered I had comments waiting to be moderated......... I have had the damn porn scammers leaving comments again.... and I put moderation back on...... and forgot !!  how could I forget???   Did I say I HATE these withdrawals??

It's a terrible horrible no good very bad day

Reset

About 4 years ago I made the decision to get healthy (with my doctor's encouragement) ..... my blood sugars were a little high.... and my weight had topped out higher than it had ever been !!  I bought a fitbit -- loaded a food tracking app on my phone -- joined a gym and got started.  I hit some bumps in the road...... but kept pushing forward....... I lost almost 70 pounds!  I LOVED the gym -- well loved to hate the gym....... but working out every day gave me extra calories to eat (or not in my case)
 
Then my life settled down -- Sir Steve came into my life and was my biggest cheering section.  He encouraged me to eat some of those extra calories -- encouraged me to maybe lose those last 10 pounds.  I joined a gym here BUT it wasn't MY gym from Kingston.  I missed it.  I tried -- I really did -- to go to the new gym -- but insecurities raised their nasty heads and I slowly cut back my gym days from 5 to 3 to none.

BUT over the two years I have been here with Sir Steve my weight has stayed pretty much the same (shifting 2 or 3 pounds up or down).  My sugars stayed low (YAY!) 
Over Christmas I noticed my clothes were fitting differently -- I looked 'fat' again.  I weighed myself and there was hardly a noticeable increase in weight (just those 2-3 pounds) WTF?!  Then I had an 'Eureka' moment -- it wasn't my weight -- it was my muscle tone.  The thought of finding a gym starting rolling around in my head.

Good news is..... my favourite gym from Kingston had opened a franchise here.  Could I settle in there??? I kept looking at their website..... checking out the equipment... building up my confidence to join....... figuring out how I would do this now I have the responsibility of the lil one (when I was in Kingston I was alone and didn't have to worry about schedules -- went to the gym when I wanted/felt like it)

Finally yesterday I decided to push the 'reset' button...... I went and joined the gym.  I am happy to report I got the same good feeling when I walked in to the building just like I did in Kingston.  All the equipment was the same....... the layout almost the same - it felt comfortable.....it felt like 'home'.

SO today I will start my daily trek to the gym....... sweating and cursing and hating it. but hopefully not missing a day.  I am also hoping that working out my body every day may help with the withdrawal symptoms (I have cut back again -- I am now on 1/2 my original dose!)

As much as I would like to participate in Fondlers FFF program -- it's just not something I can do comfortably.  I will post from time to time here on my progress BUT I can't do the public thing ....not comfortably (yeah I know sounds silly but that's me!)

Life is good when you can push the reset button.

 

End of the Holidays

Last evening Sir Steve and I were both pretty quiet...... at one point I asked him if he was ok -- yeah he was.. but feeling the downs that come when the holidays are over and work is looming.........

BUT we had a good holiday -- my favourite was last week when the lil one was at her mom's........ we didn't have to drive / visit anyone ........ and our days stretched out ahead of us free of responsibility and obligation.  

On our last weekend -- we stayed in our pjs...... played and had sex..... binge watched horror flicks........ chilled and relaxed.  It was amazing!!

I kept my 'resolution' to write a blog every day through the month of December.... and I have a couple of ideas for future blog entries........ 

End of holidays means meal planning again (dear lord I still haven't taken anything out of the freezer for dinner tonite!!) ...... laundry and cleaning (dear lord the house needs a GOOD cleaning!!)  get my ass in gear and go sign up at the gym (my favourite gym from Kingston has moved here and I am going to join up!)  



Life is good when the holidays end and routines return.

Sunday Sentiments

50 Shades (our version)

(this has an R rating)

Yesterday afternoon found me tied by my wrists to the headboard.  (be still my heart - it's been awhile)

The toy bag was on the bed........ 

Sir Steve brought out the clamps and clipped them to my pussy lips...... almost immediately I was moaning softly

Then the buggy whip came out........ it makes the sweetest music as it swings through the air....... hitting the clamps -- my breasts -- my belly -- my inner thighs and back to the clamps.  The tremors flowed over me and through me...... more more more please Sir!!

A pause....

Then the crop was hitting the clamps... my breasts... my inner thighs...... 

I wanted him so badly -- wanted to feel him buried deep inside me...... 

He reached between my legs and yanked first one clamp then the other off....... each time making me moan more... the last one -- the Sadistic SOB removed slowly and gently......... the blood flowed back into the tissue -- burning -- aching -- feeling so very good!!  My eyes were closed.  I felt Sir Steve climbing onto the bed -- I opened my eyes to see him kneeling tall over me -- pushing my legs apart -- ramming into me making me gasp and arch upwards to take all of him quickly -- feeling him hitting my cervix -- taking my breath away -- arching up more --  feeling him banging against it harder and faster........... his hand around my neck ... I can feel my pulse / my heart beating with each thrust........

Later we laughed about after care -- our form of after care -- "ready for a smoke?"  "Yes Sir" 

Life is good when you're a masochist and he's a Sadist.

Demons

It started just before the holidays..... I was unhappy with my body .... I got on the scales but my weight hadn't changed since the fall...... so what was wrong with it.... There was something wrong with it I knew... I felt fat..... very fat.  My clothes all still fit but they didn't look the same..... my body was saggy and droppy and it showed (well at least to me) in the mirror. 

Before the holidays I made a healthy decision to go back to the gym.  The one I used in Kingston had moved here ..... I LOVED that gym!!  and so - before the holidays - I decided all I needed was to get back to the gym after the holidays.

And then my new doctor and I had discussed my weight -- and my desire to lose maybe another 10 pounds (though the doctor in Kingston said I was at an ideal weight for me).  The new doctor suggested I get a book "The Obesity Code".  I did... and I started reading it a bit over the holidays.

It suggested that to actually lose weight and maintain it..... one should fast every couple of days for 24 hours.  At first I fussed a little bit over that...... fasting.  I did my battle with not eating...... of hearing the term "anorexic" being tossed around...... trying to get my daily calorie intake up to 1000 calories a day.......  BUT this doctor was giving it his stamp of approval........ the idea kept rolling around in the back of my mind.

Over the holidays with Sir Steve's family -- somehow the discussion of the age difference between us came up.  and that has been rattling around in the back of my head again....... once more..... maybe it never left?

After the holidays I got on the scales -- 3 pounds have been added to this body of mine........ and so today I sit in the early morning darkness and the demons are tugging at me.  The thoughts are no longer just rolling around in the back of my head.  There is an urgency to lose those 10 pounds -- to tighten up all the muscles -- to try and get the look of a younger body......... 

(and the demons are whispering about the dark spots on my skin -- whispering about the wrinkles on my face -- telling me how old I look -- asking how anyone could want this old woman......... )

The demons are talking again -- and it scares me a little........ 

Holes

Sir Steve and I have a new tradition for New Year's Eve - started last year.  We order in a feast of Chinese food - curl up with some good Netflix movies and binge away.  At some point during the evening Sir Steve takes me to bed... he beds me? (grinning) and we have 'goodbye to the old and in with the new' sex.  This year was no exception -- great food and better sex.

Only thing is ........ this year I have decided Sir Steve has a thing for 'holes' !!  and not just mine (cheeky grin)

Let me explain.......

On New Years Day (continuing an old tradition of mine) we invited neighbours and friends to a New Years Day open house..... very relaxed ... come as you are sort of thing... stay as long as you want or as little as you want...... it's rather a nice way to wind down the holiday festivities.

This year while we were all sitting around the living room eating, drinking and chatting I looked over at Sir Steve and noticed a small puddle on the floor beside him.... I jumped up and grabbed a towel (thinking maybe the dog in all her excitement had had a little accident) BUT nooooooo nothing so easy.... when I paid closer attention to the puddle that was growing on the floor -- it turned out it was flowing down from the ceiling.  Our upstairs neighbour was having a shower........ UGH!
 Sir Steve got on the phone and tried to locate our landlord....... But it wasn't till yesterday the landlord finally got in touch......... 

By that point Sir Steve had already climbed up and pulled down part of the living room ceiling looking for the leak... 

The plumber came in...... patched things up temporarily ....... and now we wait for a bathroom reno upstairs.......and live with a hole in our living room ceiling. 

(musing -- now if I could just get Sir Steve to stop stressing over landlords and ceiling holes and get him to focus on the one hole that needs him -- cheeky grin)

2019 might just be known as the year of Holes!!

Problem - Updated

 A BIG thank you to Windy who gave me some suggestions ........ by the time I got it I had access to my blog again -- but had no idea how/why...... in my frustration I had shut down Firefox and was using Chrome - then opened Firefox again to get a bookmark and tried The Journey and lo and behold it worked........ I am guessing restarting Firefox did the trick

Thanks again Windy :)




Today I changed the theme of my blog - Christmas is over after all.

BUT 

Now I can't access my own blog ...... can't get past the 'adult only' "I understand and wish to continue" page -- it just keeps recycling that page.  I have had that problem on other blogs from time to time but never on my own blog.

Anyone got any solutions?? Anyone have any idea what I have done??? 

IF I use Chrome I can get in... but don't want to switch to Chrome just to see my own blog........... 

Help please !!!

2019

From Sir Steve and myself....... 

Wishing you all a healthy loving New Year ......