Friday, January 04, 2019
It started just before the holidays..... I was unhappy with my body .... I got on the scales but my weight hadn't changed since the fall...... so what was wrong with it.... There was something wrong with it I knew... I felt fat..... very fat. My clothes all still fit but they didn't look the same..... my body was saggy and droppy and it showed (well at least to me) in the mirror.
Before the holidays I made a healthy decision to go back to the gym. The one I used in Kingston had moved here ..... I LOVED that gym!! and so - before the holidays - I decided all I needed was to get back to the gym after the holidays.
And then my new doctor and I had discussed my weight -- and my desire to lose maybe another 10 pounds (though the doctor in Kingston said I was at an ideal weight for me). The new doctor suggested I get a book "The Obesity Code". I did... and I started reading it a bit over the holidays.
It suggested that to actually lose weight and maintain it..... one should fast every couple of days for 24 hours. At first I fussed a little bit over that...... fasting. I did my battle with not eating...... of hearing the term "anorexic" being tossed around...... trying to get my daily calorie intake up to 1000 calories a day....... BUT this doctor was giving it his stamp of approval........ the idea kept rolling around in the back of my mind.
Over the holidays with Sir Steve's family -- somehow the discussion of the age difference between us came up. and that has been rattling around in the back of my head again....... once more..... maybe it never left?
After the holidays I got on the scales -- 3 pounds have been added to this body of mine........ and so today I sit in the early morning darkness and the demons are tugging at me. The thoughts are no longer just rolling around in the back of my head. There is an urgency to lose those 10 pounds -- to tighten up all the muscles -- to try and get the look of a younger body.........
(and the demons are whispering about the dark spots on my skin -- whispering about the wrinkles on my face -- telling me how old I look -- asking how anyone could want this old woman......... )
The demons are talking again -- and it scares me a little........
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