Conflicted

I am so proud of Sir Steve.  He is doing so very well at work.  He has received a raise.. and lots of praise for the job he is doing.... He received a bonus... and now he has received a promotion.

On the surface it looks pretty damn good doesn't it ??

But after the shine wore off the good news I started thinking......... who praises me for a good job?? Who gives me a raise?? Who gives me a bonus?? and there's no promotion possible in my 'job'.  And if it wasn't for the job I do....... Sir Steve wouldn't be able to give 110% at work.... leaving nothing left for us (or nearly nothing)

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Maybe.  I thought I had worked the pros and cons of starting a relationship with a man much younger than myself who comes with a small child.  Honestly I thought I had worked it all out and come into it with my eyes open.  But I missed the bit about being a stay at home Mom again....... with almost no recognition.... and always having to juggle my time to accommodate bus schedules and work schedules and ballet classes and home work.  After so many years of 'freedom' it is proving difficult 

And I feel very conflicted ....... cause I love this man and want the very best for him......and I know my being here .. my picking up all the slack... handling all the day to day problems makes it much easier for him to do what he needs to do...... 
but it's hard to go backwards ..... back to where I was 40 some odd years ago....... 

nodding

yup it's hard to go backwards