Freeing the inner me

After all the writing I did last week -- it seems my head is empty.... I am basking in his attention 

So for today I will leave this for you all .......... 

Making it 'official'

A week or so ago I told my girls about LLF.  My eldest already knew him -- having met him 8 or so years ago.  But not the youngest.   LLF wanted to meet them when the timing was right....... and like so many incidents in this new relationship -- the opportunity just kinda presented itself.

This weekend was the eldest's birthday -- and the youngest was hosting the family party.  I asked if I could bring LLF -- because -- well -- it's serious -- and my girls need to see that -- see him -- and know "Mom" is in very good hands.

I spent Friday night with LLF.  On Saturday morning he took me to meet some of his close friends.  And then after lunch we headed out to watch the grandkids snowboarding and then to the birthday dinner.

My eldest grandson (almost 16 years old) snowboarded over to us as we stood at the bottom of the mountain -- and I introduced him to LLF.  At the time I didn't think too much about the fact he kinda hung around with us for a bit.  Apparently in the car with his parents he fired off questions..... how old is he?? does he have any kids? etc.. Needless to say I was floored!!

We hadn't arrived at the house for long before the youngest asked me to run to the store and pick up some forgotten items.  I thought LLF would come with me -- apparently I thought wrong..... 

While I was gone the kids got to cross examine LLF -- the man needs his head examined to volunteer for this "getting to the know the family" ...... when I got home everyone was laughing and seemed happy and contented.  We had a good visit -- and left later than expected for the drive home.

There was another small step towards being "official".
On Saturday morning both LLF and I changed our profiles on FL acknowledging our relationship.  It's been a long long time since there was another name attached to mine....... a name that means something -- really means something!

(whispering) you know what the best part is -- the most fun -- listening to LLF looking to the future and talking about what WE will do.......... yup -- it's really nice to know that there is a future !!

 

Sunday Sentiments

The Truth about Fairy Tales

Possibly a Fairytale - continued

chapter 5

I feel a little like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz -- I'm so close - so very close - I just have to click my heels together to be home..........

LLF is very much like the Prince Charming from the fairy tales.  He has kissed me awake.  He is reminding me -- showing me -- what life should be like.  He leaves me little messages on facebook that cheer me up -- encourage me on -- and give me hope. He pushes me gently to leave the past lessons behind.  He hushes the voices in my head sternly.  

He has reached deep inside me and slowly one by one - removed each brick that completed the wall around my heart..... leaving me feeling quite naked and vulnerable.

He has chased away some flying monkeys -- and like a Knight of ole he has promised to do battle to keep me safe.  He is a man of honour.  He is in no rush.  He left me a note the other day on FB 

This tale is far from finished.......  we will write it chapter by chapter together....... There is just one thing left to do -- one thing I have left to do

click my heels together -- and I am home. 

 AND it is done!

Possibly a Fairytale - continued

chapter 4 

And then my reality shifted yet again.  The times with Hands and CG came to an abrupt end.  And the yellow brick road stretched ahead of me......... 

(I have mentioned here a little of this story -- referring to the Sadist as my long lost friend.  From here on he will be "LLF" )

LLF started messaging me every morning early -- before I left for work.  We would chat during lunch.  We would chat more in the evenings.  He would push me to ask questions freely -- to voice my opinion -- to ask for things I wanted.  I dug in my heels.  I searched for my words -- I held on tight to my fears.  He would say to me - repeatedly when he sensed my withholding / withdrawing - "what is my name?!"  and I would smile knowing he was trying to get me to see HIM -- not any of the others who have been in my life in the last 7 years.

Slowly - tentatively - I talked about my fears...... I took a big breath and told him I was scared because the feelings from 7 years ago were back.  And he quietly told me he had the same feelings.  He told me 7 years ago when we parted ways he had had strong feelings for me too.  I never knew. 

He would say "I promise" and I would gulp and whisper to my computer -- "don't say THAT -- don't ever say that!" because promises are made to be broken..... and when promises are broken it hurts a lot !

He started checking out munches around Kingston and one night I took a deep breath and asked if he had any idea when we would see each other again.  Truthfully expecting a vague 'I don't know - we'll see" 

His answer was " Seriously I don't know -- but am thinking the weekend after next" -- Just two weeks.  I only had to wait two weeks.  But there was a little voice in my head that said 'we'll see -- he probably won't come -- something will happen'.

Our evening chats run the gamut of topics -- sometimes light and teasing -- other times serious and deep.  He has prodded and exposed some of my weaknesses - he has held me close when I struggle with my old ways of thinking/doing.  And the two weeks passed quickly.

Last Friday morning LLF sent his usual "good morning" and we chatted .... and I kept waiting for him to say "I hate to tell you this -- but I can't make it this weekend".  It didn't come.  I couldn't stand the suspense -- so I asked "are you still coming today"??  and his answer -- as strong and reassuring as ever -- "why wouldn't I be?" 

Ahead of schedule (well my schedule) he arrived at 6:30 Friday evening.  My heart stopped pounding and he wrapped his arms around me pulled me close and kissed me gently and tenderly.

end of chapter 4

Possibly a Fairytale - continued

Chapter 3

That first message on Facebook set my stomach in knots.  I answered him -- but it was days before I heard back from him.

And so it went for a month or so -- intermittent messages -- catching up -- walking on eggs.

Then in November he suggested that the next time I was going up to Montreal that I might stop in and have a coffee with him.  

I sat looking at that particular message for a long time.  I knew I was going to Montreal that coming weekend ..... did I really want to meet up for coffee ??? What was the point??? Finally I made a decision -- explained there was no way I could stop on the way TO Montreal -- but maybe I would try and stop on my home.... maybe.

On the Sunday morning I was up early and texted him saying I would be driving past his town in about an hour -- did he still want to meet for coffee?? He answered immediately "yes" and told me which Tim Horton's to meet him at........ 

I expected a 30 minute pit stop ....... but when I saw him it was like the 7 years had disappeared in that fog that had been surrounding him ....... and it was just him and me and memories.  It was 2 hours later that I pulled back onto the highway.  

We went back to messaging on Facebook -- it felt right.. and very scary.  We talked about our plans for Christmas.  He suggested he would like to come and visit me the week after New Year's.  I put him off.  I suggested we wait till the time was closer.  

No one knows how much I struggled with a decision on his visit. We had been good close friends.  We could be good close friends again.  BUT the feelings from 7 years ago were awake in my heart -- so could I still be just good friends??? 

Finally I told myself I was over thinking things (as usual) and there was a munch we could go to on the Friday .... so I said "sure come up for a visit" - I said I would play tour guide for Kingston (as he had never visited our fair city)

Then I just went on with my life -- with my plans for New Year's.  On the Sunday New Year's day -- he messaged me and we were chatting and he asked what I was doing on the Monday.  He suggested he might come up and have lunch with me.  I was confused...... drive all that way for lunch???   

He did come -- and we had lunch..... and long talks.  He texted me when he was home.... I took a deep breath and asked if he would still be coming up on Thursday.  His answer -- 'yes why wouldn't I?" 

WHY?? because I was confused...... I honestly couldn't understand why he wanted to be with me ...... it just wasn't possible you know? 

He came up on the Thursday and we spent the afternoon seeing all the sights of Kingston -- laughing and talking and I found myself relaxing...

On the Friday we went shopping and drove down old Hwy 2 just looking at the farms and talking ..... we went to the munch ....... and when we left the munch he reached out and took my hand -- and we walked to the car holding hands like teenagers. We sat watching television when we got home and he kept his arm around my shoulders pulling me close. And I felt a lump in my throat.

And then he left ....... and the house felt empty and quiet.  And my heart hurt -- and I asked myself "what the hell are you doing??!!!"  and repeatedly told myself - "this is NOT a fairy tale -- this is real life!"

There was no talk of seeing each other again -- just vague mentions of "we'll do this again"

end of chapter 3

  

Possibly a Fairytale - continued

Chapter 2

No matter the endings -- no matter how we swear we won't survive the endings..... Life continues and at some point we rejoin this thing called living.

I returned to W -- put my collar back on -- and continued with day to day life.  The Sadist moved on -- disappearing into a thick fog.  Occasionally I would catch glimpses of him ....... and I would smile and move on....... in time I was able to see him clearly and not have my heart bleed into my soul.

I changed schools -- I made plans to take early retirement -- I sold my home and finally moved to join W in Kingston.  Sometimes you just follow whatever 'yellow brick road' looms up in front of you because it's there -- despite the flying monkeys and wicked witches.

And there were so many flying monkeys -- and detours on this 'yellow brick road' I have been stumbling along.... looking for something lost a long time ago.  Trying to find someone who could fill some mighty big shoes  -- mostly not knowing exactly what I was looking for.....

And along this yellow brick road - I picked up bricks from time to time and reinforced the wall I had built up around my heart.  I couldn't see me surviving yet another broken heart.

I told myself I was 'ok'.... life was good.  If I said it enough -- I would believe it right?

And then in September -- out of the blue -- I got a message on Facebook from the Sadist.  

end of chapter 2  

Possibly a Fairytale

Chapter 1

Once upon a time -- a long long time ago -- I was suddenly single - uncollared.  I was understandably hurt and withdrew to the safety of my castle.  But there were friends - good friends - who wouldn't let me hide.  They pestered -- they cajoled -- they pleaded and threatened.

One night I weakened and agreed to accompany a friend to a play party.  He had promised me some 'eye candy' and the possibility of some play.  He didn't lie -- the eye candy was pretty good --and the play was awesome.

The only thing was -- the eye candy he was referring to was not the eye candy that I wanted.  In fact it was the eye candy's husband that caught my attention and held it.

The husband was a Sadist -- and as luck would have it -- my friend -- the eye candy and the Sadist and myself became a 4some of sorts.  We would go out most weekends and play and party.

Oh the lines were drawn very clearly in the sand -- they were a couple -- monogamous -- so any deep feelings/longings were to be ignored -- or buried deep.

The Sadist and I had some pretty amazing scenes -- mind blowing scenes to be honest.  He could dole out pain with floggers and paddles....... he could pull out the knives and draw pretty patterns on my body.

There were so many memorable times together it's almost impossible to sort out the best ones to share.... 

Probably the most 'infamous' scene -- was an evening where I had been beaten -- and then enjoyed the path of the knives across my body......... people had been watching (they almost always gathered around to watch the Sadist play with me)  The scene was over and I was just lying there enjoying the pretty colours and dancing with my fairies while the Sadist was extolling the virtues of some of his knives.  He picked up his favourite knife -- his grandfather's Boy Scout knife.  Somewhere in my foggy brain a voice rose up and taunted the Sadist (one should NEVER taunt a Sadist) and said " that knive wouldn't cut through warm butter" 

I heard him say "REALLY?" and before I could back pedal -- I felt the knife slide under the side of my thong (please note -- it was the only article of clothing I was wearing)..... felt the material lifted up off my skin and then felt that side of the thong fall away from my body.  I was speechless -- then immediately felt the knife slide under the opposite side of the thong - and again felt the material slide away from my body.  I slid off the table onto the floor like melted butter ....... spluttering "I can't believe you just did that!!!  I don't have any other underwear" and I was laughing and embarrassed.  His wife (eye candy) was laughing and she leaned down and said " from now on you'll know to always bring an extra pair".

And there was another time that stands out in my memory.  He had been playing with me (and I should add here -- play time was always intense and usually lasting at least an hour).  The way I remember the incident - he was again using his knives to tease and taunt me .. making me hot - very hot -- and needy.  And quite often when he sensed that heat - that need  -- he would do something spiteful (small smile - after all he was a Sadist).  This time -- from deep inside the heat of my body -- he changed the intensity from sensual to masochistic pain.  He was standing, straddling my legs when this pain hit.  And I had a natural - knee jerk reaction -- I bent my legs up.. quickly and with some force.  My heels caught him in the groin and I got to hear a thud.  I turned my head to find my Sadist on the ground with his family jewels delicately cupped in his hands. I was a little mortified -- but largely amused.

Our play times were frequent and fun - full of laughter and good natured teasing.

On Sunday after our play times my phone would ring and eye candy and the Sadist would pop over for coffee and long talks that would last in to the early evening.  It makes me smile now -- because I realize that was their 'after care' their way of making sure I was ok -- grounded again.   

Over the weeks/months that we played I became more and more attached to the Sadist.  I never said a word -- it was - in a sense - my burden to bear.  And bear it I did..... to do otherwise would put the relationship we had in jeopardy.

I clearly remember the last time we played.  Remember it like it happened last week.  My feelings for the Sadist bubbled up -- threatening to boil over.  I was scheduled to leave the following week on a two week holiday.  The thought of not seeing him..... not playing with him.... not feeling his hands on my body -- was too much to handle.  We were at a play party out in the country -- playing in the great outdoors under the stars.  I remember sitting quietly off by myself --- feeling the tears welling up -- feeling so lost and frightened.  I got up and quietly walked away from the group -- went to where the cars were parked and went and sat on the hood of my car and smoked a cigarette.  The Sadist came and found me.  He was cross with me for wandering away -- there was only one rule he had with me -- if I was going anywhere I was to tell him.  I had broken that rule.  

I lied to him when he asked me WHY I had wandered away -- when he asked WHAT the hell was wrong with me.  I couldn't tell him I had fallen in love with him !!  So I lied -- I said I was worried about this trip -- about traveling so far away by myself  -- alone.  

That was the last time we played -- two weeks later he picked me up at the airport and told me his marriage was over.  He was clearly very hurt.  My heart broke -- I knew that this wonderful relationship I had been enjoying was over.  

end of chapter 1

Sunday Sentiments

Dancing

Time Travel

It has felt a little bit like 'time travel' this last week or so....


 Last weekend angel came over for coffee on Saturday and stayed till after dinner (just like old times).  We talked and laughed and I cried -- and it felt like the time had fallen away and everything was just like it was before the spring.  Yesterday she was in Kingston and messaged me and came over again for coffee and again we laughed and talked (no I didn't cry this time) and I even got to meet her special someone who popped in to have coffee with us.


 Do any of you remember 'The Sadist' who used to come to play about a year ago.  He has continued to read here from time to time... and from time to time I would get an email -- just him checking up on me.  Those emails always made me smile -- it's nice when casual play brings with it a friend.  
Well I heard from him at the beginning of the week and we had a quick coffee on Wednesday -- cause he wanted to check up on me -- wanted to see how I was 'really' doing in person -- not trying to judge from words here on The Continued Journey.

And then of course there is my long lost friend who came out of the fog of the past in September and since Christmas has been pretty much in my life via messenger.  He's coming to visit me this weekend.  There's a rather long story to tell there I think...... but one that will keep till Monday -- and will most likely be told piecemeal - because dontcha know the very best stories are told in chapters....... or sequels. 

Yes in many ways it feels like time travel -- and maybe just maybe -- my time travel will take me back to a happier more self assured time a time when my heart was light and I trusted and loved with my whole being.
 

New Rules

all 12 steps are pretty damn good -- but there are a couple that I really need to work on.......

#2 - say exactly what you mean -- I have to learn to say / ask for what I want .... really want -- directly -- no beating around the bush -- no being coy - just ask. Simple as that.

# 3 - people pleaser that's me !!!  learning to please myself first and accept that others may want to please me is a difficult lesson to learn.

#5 - never speak bad of yourself -- I read something yesterday that struck a chord with me.  When we don't accept our bodies -- when we put our bodies down -- we are actually hurting the people who love us.  We are saying their opinions/desires for us is wrong.  That was an eye opener for me

#7 - don't be afraid to say 'yes' -- if you only knew how many times I didn't say anything when my body/mind was screaming YES -- but I was too shy or too scared to say it out loud.

BUT 
the biggest one for me -- the most important one for me is

#6 - Never give up on your dreams!

 

More thoughts on Poly

I have removed "poly" from my Fetlife profile.... not because I don't believe in it cause I do.  But then I also believe in socialism - on paper.

A lot of things look good in theory.  But in reality -- shrug -- not so much.  

I don't respond well to being lied to -- or finding out someone is cheating on me.  The thing about poly that really appealed to me was that (in my world) there could be no cheating or lying in a poly relationship because the whole thing about poly was other partners - right?

And it meant I didn't have to let anyone 'in'.  I could safely keep everyone at arm's length.  Certainly the relationships I did get involved in were not designed for "love" -- they were designed to fulfill needs.....nothing more.  And that was comfortable for me - that was safe for me.

As this past year has gone along -- I came to realize I was missing some vital ingredients in my life.  I would look at Hands and CG for example and envy them their snuggle times....the hand holding... the deep caring that they shared.  A part of me wanted that ....... for me -- just for me -- not shared.  And I came to realize as long as I was happy /content being the 3rd -- that I was never gonna get my heart's desire.  I came to honestly believe I didn't deserve to find that kind of relationship -- that I wasn't 'lovable'.  I had never felt more broken in my entire life.

What brought these feelings of needing to be snuggled with -- to hold hands....... to be more than a 3rd to someone else's relationship -- to a head was when my 'long lost friend' came to visit two weeks ago.  

We spent a lot of time talking -- reminiscing -- and he put his arm around my shoulders while we watched TV -- and he reached out and took my hand when we were leaving the munch.  

After he left I cried -- because he touched that need inside of me.  He made me look at it straight on.  I know I can't 'settle' anymore ..........not for any superficial need..... I am learning (slowly) I am worth more ........ that I 'deserve' more .........

And that is a very good thing !

A Week Later

It has been a week that I have been on the B12...... the druggist told me it would take at least a week or more to see any changes.

Within 4 days the horrific pain in my muscles and joints had lessened -- not gone but I wasn't having to live on Tylenol either...... and was able to go back to the gym! 
 I'm still waiting for the energy to increase and the mood swings to improve.

On the down side - the pills go under my tongue and I have to let them melt.  Let's see if I can draw you a picture of what this is like ............ suck on a piece of blackboard chalk.  Yup it's that bad!  Add to that the one side effect that has hit me like a ton of bricks - nausea ! and it is taking a whole lot of will power to pop one in my mouth every day.

The problem with the nausea is I still have (will always have) this eating disorder.  Food is definitely not my friend -- even more so now. 

I mentioned a week or so ago about a long last friend.   He hasn't disappeared (even after enduring my drunk texting on New Year's Eve) -- quite the opposite.  We chat every day -- and he is gently prodding me to eat.  There is something about his words "what did you have for (fill in the meal blank)" and then some days a little coaxing is necessary -- "just try to eat a little something - a snack" that is truly helping.  

I noticed the nausea lasts for about 6 hours ...... so why not take the damn chalky pill at bedtime instead of in the morning??!!  I tried two nights ago and lo and behold I went all day yesterday with no nausea .......... IF I had nausea during the night I don't know cause I slept........ 

Here's to rising B12 levels -- no pain -- return to my normal amounts of social anxiety -- and gee it would be really wonderful if my forgetfulness disappeared too!!  

And here's to long lost friends who reappear magically and lend an ear..... a shoulder..... and some encouragement to keep me eating!

Life might be improving on many different levels........

Just Me

Introspective weekend....... 
 
It's not really all that complicated -- I am a simple woman -- I don't need roses or fancy dinners -- I don't need or want diamonds or jewelry....... 

I want someone who fully understands that the best gift is the gift of time spent together -- of laughter and holding hands -- and soft kisses -- and quiet talks -- 
someone who wants to know my heart and will guard it carefully when I give it to him.

I'm just a simple woman.........
 

Sunday Sentiments

Mundane

In case no one has guessed -- last week was pretty damn emotional.... between health issues (the B12) .. my 16 year old cat's health starting to fail (and knowing I may have to make a decision of quality versus quantity) the end of my therapy sessions -- the end of some dreams -- exploring lost relationships and to top it all off nicely, Friday I attended a funeral.

I think for the most part I held it all together really well for me ..........until the closing hymn at the funeral -  Amazing Grace - played on bagpipes and that was my undoing. 

The weekend stretches ahead of me -- quiet time for reflection.  I have been thinking (silly me!)  that maybe I jinx my relationships...... maybe I try too hard ...... maybe I need to not share so much ....... maybe all the endings are in some obscure way my fault ......... 

OR 
maybe I just need to get some more B12 into me so my thought processes settle down and god willing I become less emotional .. less self critical..... and a wee bit more 'normal'

Though a friend posted something on Facebook -- that made me smile.  I have no idea if it was directed at me BUT as the expression goes -- 'if the shoe fits, wear it!"

 

 

Dreams

I went to my last therapy session yesterday.  My therapist is joining the army -- yeah go figure!  I wonder if I broke her (cheeky grin)

She booked me as her last appointment of the day -- so there was no clock watching.  We talked a lot about my rose coloured glasses and how I always want my dreams to come true.. and often they don't.  And how much it hurts when my dreams disappear into the great beyond.

We touched on something that happened this week -- my relationship with Hands and CG is over.  It is for all the right reasons -- but  I worry we won't remain friends -- that I have lost a couple of very dear people from my life.

We talked about my fear of letting anyone in to my heart.... my fear of not being able to get through yet another "it's over".  

We talked about something I have never been able to put into words before....... it was like a ghost on the fringes of my vision..... I want human touch -- normal touching -- touch that has nothing to do with sex -- or inflicting pain -- I want the soft gentle touch of an arm around my shoulders -- of feeling someone slip their hand into mine and hold it tight.  

And we talked about what I deserve -- I have trouble with that concept you know -- that I 'deserve' anything.  Someone told me last week that I deserve to feel good........ and it made me cry.  My therapist and I talked about those specific tears -- it wasn't sadness -- it was longing ...... longing for something I don't think I have ever really had.......... and dear lord I would like to have it ..... I would like to let down all the remaining walls and reach out .... open up my heart completely ....... 

When I was leaving her for the last time -- she hugged me so tight - and whispered in my ear -- "if anyone deserves to have someone really care about them - deserves a forever - it is you" 

~~~~~~~~~
I walked out of her office with tears streaming down my face.



 

Message in a Bottle

Deficient

As most of you know I have been battling an eating disorder for a little over a year.  I have been seeing my doctor and my therapist -- I have been getting blood tests done -- I have been fighting back.

And because I have been fighting back and genuinely trying to eat more calories in a day -- the doctor never discussed my blood results in detail.

I had a blood test -- my last one --  last week.  I didn't expect to hear anything.  

Except

The doctor called me yesterday. He told me my B12 which has been very low hadn't climbed at all -- even though I am eating better.  He said it was time to take a B12 supplement.  

I am a smarter?? no maybe more confident patient now and I ask questions.  So I asked what were the numbers on my B12 - they were 136   and then I asked what should they be - between 300 and 600. 

Yup my B12 is low and so I will take supplements.  The interesting thing for me was the symptoms of low B12 -- fatigue - forgetfulness - anxiety and depression - aching joints and bones.  I definitely checked ALL the boxes. 

So I will go pick up the supplement at the drugstore and take the pills every day -- and am hoping against hope -- the symptoms will improve..... cause boy oh boy I have had the symptoms in SPADES!

Here's to a healthier - happier - less anxiety filled 2017! 

 

Trust Issues

I've had good reason over the last month or so to do some serious soul searching.

I knew after the break up that I had major trust issues.... which is one of the many reasons I have been going to therapy.

I have met and played with a few people over this last year..... didn't much trust any of them.  I kept them all at arm's length for the most part.... I was always 'on guard' so to speak.  Then I met Hands and my trust levels grew.  

I trusted him with my body -- I knew he wouldn't deliberately hurt me.  I knew I could trust him to put his hands gently around my neck.  I knew I could trust him to push my comfort zones. 

BUT my heart -- well -- no -- just no -- I wouldn't let him go near my heart.

I have been doing a lot of thinking since the weekend about my trust levels -- and my heart.  My heart hurts ya know.  I think it is straining against the walls I have put up to protect it.  

I realize I am fighting with my heart.  It wants to trust again -- it wants to open up and let people in again.  But my head ........ my head is screaming.... "NO NO NO" because I can't be hurt again -- not like I was.  I don't think -- honestly don't believe -- that I will be able to survive another blow to my heart.

How much time does it take -- how much consistency does it take -- for my heart to be free to trust again??

Sunday Sentiments

Gold Star

12 hours to complete the ramped up tasks assigned by Hands.

BUT I did it !!

I won't say it was easy -- cause it really wasn't...... but his final words to me were "if you don't complete them - I'll just ramp it up again"  and trust me when I say I knew he would and dear lord I didn't want to see the ramped up version of the ramped up version!!

He didn't exactly give me a gold star -- cause ya know i should have done what I was told the first time.  In fact when I asked him if I was out of the doghouse -- his response was a simple "did you do your tasks?  Then you don't need to ask" 

That's who Hands is no nonsense -- get the job done -- kind of Dom.

And that -- I am learning -- is a very good thing!