More thoughts on Poly

I have removed "poly" from my Fetlife profile.... not because I don't believe in it cause I do.  But then I also believe in socialism - on paper.

A lot of things look good in theory.  But in reality -- shrug -- not so much.  

I don't respond well to being lied to -- or finding out someone is cheating on me.  The thing about poly that really appealed to me was that (in my world) there could be no cheating or lying in a poly relationship because the whole thing about poly was other partners - right?

And it meant I didn't have to let anyone 'in'.  I could safely keep everyone at arm's length.  Certainly the relationships I did get involved in were not designed for "love" -- they were designed to fulfill needs.....nothing more.  And that was comfortable for me - that was safe for me.

As this past year has gone along -- I came to realize I was missing some vital ingredients in my life.  I would look at Hands and CG for example and envy them their snuggle times....the hand holding... the deep caring that they shared.  A part of me wanted that ....... for me -- just for me -- not shared.  And I came to realize as long as I was happy /content being the 3rd -- that I was never gonna get my heart's desire.  I came to honestly believe I didn't deserve to find that kind of relationship -- that I wasn't 'lovable'.  I had never felt more broken in my entire life.

What brought these feelings of needing to be snuggled with -- to hold hands....... to be more than a 3rd to someone else's relationship -- to a head was when my 'long lost friend' came to visit two weeks ago.  

We spent a lot of time talking -- reminiscing -- and he put his arm around my shoulders while we watched TV -- and he reached out and took my hand when we were leaving the munch.  

After he left I cried -- because he touched that need inside of me.  He made me look at it straight on.  I know I can't 'settle' anymore ..........not for any superficial need..... I am learning (slowly) I am worth more ........ that I 'deserve' more .........

And that is a very good thing !