I knew after the break up that I had major trust issues.... which is one of the many reasons I have been going to therapy.
I have met and played with a few people over this last year..... didn't much trust any of them. I kept them all at arm's length for the most part.... I was always 'on guard' so to speak. Then I met Hands and my trust levels grew.
I trusted him with my body -- I knew he wouldn't deliberately hurt me. I knew I could trust him to put his hands gently around my neck. I knew I could trust him to push my comfort zones.
BUT my heart -- well -- no -- just no -- I wouldn't let him go near my heart.
I have been doing a lot of thinking since the weekend about my trust levels -- and my heart. My heart hurts ya know. I think it is straining against the walls I have put up to protect it.
I realize I am fighting with my heart. It wants to trust again -- it wants to open up and let people in again. But my head ........ my head is screaming.... "NO NO NO" because I can't be hurt again -- not like I was. I don't think -- honestly don't believe -- that I will be able to survive another blow to my heart.
How much time does it take -- how much consistency does it take -- for my heart to be free to trust again??
It took me a very long time...and many baby steps. Luckily I met a man...now my Master...who was patient and understanding. Oh, He did his share of pushing me, and I did not always think I was ready...but I so wanted it I was willing to risk a little. So, it is possible to get to that place where you risk your hear again...and do not regret it. hugs abby
ReplyDeletemore of the above...should be risk your heart again...and do not regret it. Is it worth it, for me it so was worth it, might be for you also. hugs abby
ReplyDeleteI'll let you know when I figure that out. In the meantime ((hugs))
ReplyDelete