I went to my last therapy session yesterday. My therapist is joining the army -- yeah go figure! I wonder if I broke her (cheeky grin)
She booked me as her last appointment of the day -- so there was no clock watching. We talked a lot about my rose coloured glasses and how I always want my dreams to come true.. and often they don't. And how much it hurts when my dreams disappear into the great beyond.
We touched on something that happened this week -- my relationship with Hands and CG is over. It is for all the right reasons -- but I worry we won't remain friends -- that I have lost a couple of very dear people from my life.
We talked about my fear of letting anyone in to my heart.... my fear of not being able to get through yet another "it's over".
We talked about something I have never been able to put into words before....... it was like a ghost on the fringes of my vision..... I want human touch -- normal touching -- touch that has nothing to do with sex -- or inflicting pain -- I want the soft gentle touch of an arm around my shoulders -- of feeling someone slip their hand into mine and hold it tight.
And we talked about what I deserve -- I have trouble with that concept you know -- that I 'deserve' anything. Someone told me last week that I deserve to feel good........ and it made me cry. My therapist and I talked about those specific tears -- it wasn't sadness -- it was longing ...... longing for something I don't think I have ever really had.......... and dear lord I would like to have it ..... I would like to let down all the remaining walls and reach out .... open up my heart completely .......
When I was leaving her for the last time -- she hugged me so tight - and whispered in my ear -- "if anyone deserves to have someone really care about them - deserves a forever - it is you"
~~~~~~~~~
I walked out of her office with tears streaming down my face.
Aww, that made me cry. I've been doing that a lot lately as well as experiencing my fair share of longing. I hope we both find someone who can offer love, support, touch, and forever.
ReplyDeleteHuman touch is so very important to me too. I really hope you find that person, even in friendship who gives you what you need. Endings are so difficult to face and to cope with. I hope that facing them, writing about them here helps in some way. Sending you hugs which I wish were real life ones xxx
ReplyDeleteFirst of all....Big Giant Hugs. Whoever told you that you deserve to feel good needs a gold star..because you do! You deserve to be happy and you also deserve to be sad too. You deserve to have feelings..and you deserve to be loved. Stop apologizing for having feelings ( Stern stare....probably ending in giggles because you know me )
ReplyDeleteAs for the events of this week? Sigh... it wasn't an easy decision and it came with very heavy hearts but we both truly believe you deserve so much more than we have to give right now. You haven't lost us, we care about you too much to let you settle for less than what you deserve. It will only be as awkward as we let it be. We are most definitely still friends...you don't get rid of us that easy lady! We will always care about you and what happens to you...you may get sick of hearing my opinions on the matter eventually that's how much I care. LOL.
It's not over...it's just a different phase of what I genuinely hope is a lifelong friendship. Because very few people get me the way you do woman (smile) I do not have so many friends that I can afford to toss the good ones away. I've been hung up in post-holiday funk and haven't really been a good friend but I promise, 11 months of the year I'm really not so bad..honest :)
I'm sorry you are hurting, and I hate that I had even a small part of it. I'm hoping you'll let me try to make it up eventually.
CG
Even if it is for the right reasons, the loss of any relationship will hurt and have a grieving period. I am sorry for you, and I hope for the best - for continued friendship, for you to be happy and whole, and eventually, for you to find the right person(s).
ReplyDeleteCount me in as one more person in your fan club who is pulling for you all the way. Sending you a virtual {{{hug)))!
ReplyDelete