The Dating Game

The continuing saga of my dating adventure.............. (I think I have told you I am trying on dating - sorta like when one tries on shoes)

I joined POF (Plenty of Fish - or as one of my friends told me - Plenty of fucking) After the initial rush of emails from horny men who didn't bother to read my profile - I got one one liner - "so define artsy fartsy"   I was impressed - he read through my profile and came up with a catchy one liner (beats "hey you wanna fuck") 

Turns out he is an artist complete with studio and gallery.  (I think I have already recounted this story - but hang in there it gets better).  We had the first compulsory coffee........ then I went to his studio and gallery.  He seemed like an ok sort.  Though - I didn't feel any twinges in my gut - no weak knees - but was determined to give him a fair shake,

Now I haven't done any "vanilla" dating in eons - so really was unsure how it should go,  At the gallery he was a gentlemen (by most people's definition and I was told - when I bitched - to be patient) He certainly found me pretty - and sexy.  We kissed and held hands and kissed some more and snuggled.  

BUT still no weak knees - no twinges.

Again I told myself I had to be patient and give this man a chance.  I mean he's not hard on the eyes - is more than a little intelligent - is self-supporting - and is more than a little artistic - and a completely different personality than I am used to.......... good points right??

SO .......... we had a date yesterday.  He told me that he had to come into town so why didn't we hook up and do something.  He suggested he would come here - to my place.  I thought we would have a coffee and then head out to do whatever it was he wanted to do in the city.  

We had set the time to meet at 11:00 - but I was running late from the gym and phoned to ask if we could make it 11:30 - he was running WAY behind and asked if we could make it 1:00.  

Now I will admit - over the Christmas break I had thought of him more than once - and had had some sweet fantasies............ so I was really looking forward to yesterday - had cleared my calendar for the entire afternoon/evening.  I had "plans".  I was ready..... hell I was horny as horny can be!!

He arrived at 1:00 sharp........ when he walked in the apartment - before I could even get a "hi" out ...... he had pushed me up against the coat cupboard and was kissing me - deep sensual kisses that took my breath away.  

BUT not in a good way.  I felt - I am not sure how to explain it.......... uncomfortable I guess.  I  broke away and said " hell let me catch my breath" His response was "breathe through your nose".  I managed to get his coat off and hang it up (in hind sight I should have opened the apartment door and pushed him out) 

He made himself completely at home - scoping out the apartment and spending an uncomfortable amount of time eyeing my bedroom up and down.  Again I felt uncomfortable.  

We sat on the sofa and before I could catch my breath he had me pinned (sort of) to the sofa at an odd angle - half sitting half lying - and he was kissing me again - actually shoving his tongue down my throat.  ewwwwwwwwwwww

When I managed to sit up and push him off - I noticed both his socks had holes in them........  that was my undoing - holey socks??!!!  I couldn't help but wonder what his underwear looked like - and then decided I didn't want to go there - double ewwwwwwwww

Mini me had suggested before this relationship went too far - to tell him about my clit piercing and see if he 1) got the hint that I am into some kinky shit or 2) ran the other way.  SO I told him I had a piercing and some tattoos and asked if it bothered him.  He didn't seem to care - definitely wasn't on his radar.  I asked if he had ever read the book The Story of O - and he hadn't - didn't even know what it was - he did ask if it was anything like that 50 shades of something......... le sigh...... definitely a vanilla.. through and through.

After a couple of hours of his groping and sloppy kisses - and my explaining I was an "old fashioned sort of girl who didn't DO sex after only 3 meet ups" He finally decided he should leave............. and I breathed a huge sigh of relief!!

As he sauntered down the hallway towards the lobby - I thought " well you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince".  

He was definitely a frog............. 

Now the question is - do I have the patience to kiss a lot of frogs??? LOL definitely not if they have holey socks !!!

Finding my power

Over the holidays I realized I could talk about the break up between W and I without any pain - but more importantly without any anger.

Anger had been the emotion that was holding me back from healing I think.  Anger was eating me up........Anger was making me cry ...... Anger was making me build walls and push people away......... Anger took away my trust.

I realized at one point that pushing W away - keeping him at arm's length was what I needed - for a while.  BUT the other day he posted a comment on The Journey and asked me to NOT delete it.  I emailed him and told him that as long as his comments are appropriate I had no reason to delete them and not post them.  I was setting boundaries - setting down the ground rules.  It was - in a funny way I guess - me taking back my power.

Then on the 28th it was his birthday - and I automatically went to wish him "happy birthday" on his facebook wall - and realized I couldn't because I had "unfriended" him.  I sat staring at the screen for a bit - poking the scabs - were they healed enough??? Could I have him in my feed daily and not have the anger swamp me again?? Could I read his writings and not feel the pain?? Could I really take back my power and not let him rule my emotions?? 

And the answer was YES.  I have come a long way from the sniveling basket case I was just 5 months ago.  So I sent him a message and asked if we could be "friends" on Facebook.  

The power is mine again. And that is a good feeling.......... it's a healing power........ I am standing on my own two feet again......... a bit wobbly - but moving forward with more strength then I have had in a long time.  It's a good feeling. 

I am thinking finding my power again is a massive step forward...... I am feeling free to really move forward with my life............ leave the guilt behind......... opening my world wider to welcome new adventures................. 

 

Making Memories.........

When I was getting ready to go to Montreal for the holidays - someone said to me "Go make some wonderful memories".  I am pretty sure we all made some wonderful memories over the 5 days I was there.............

Christmas Eve was delegated to me - I brought down the supper and activities.  The kids used to come visit me over the month of December and we did crafts and decorated ... on the 24th the family came to me for a buffet of finger foods easy to choke down foods for the kiddies who were barely able to sit still because "SANTA COMES TONITE!!"  We did it all in one afternoon,,,,,

Two of the grandsons and I made the Gingerbread House - and  some special sandwich sugar cookies that youngest daughter (and eldest daughter) love  - I wear icing and jam quite well - yes sirree I do!!

I set the table in full Christmas colours complete with crackers for pulling and we pigged out on barbeque casserole, cheeses and dips, veggies and dip, sausage rolls and bread rolls and a Yule log for dessert............. 

At bedtime I was presented with my very own stocking - even had "Granny" written on it - and I was given the instructions to hang it on my door ............. I felt so much a part of the family again with that simple gesture!  (and YES I did wear my Elmo onsies with the feet - the kids - even the little one - rolled their eyes.  )

Christmas day there was a steady stream of friends and family popping in for breakfast and then 25 (yes 25!!!!)  people for dinner - family traveling from all over to come for Christmas ............. some I hadn't seen in years and years!!  

At one point as I sat at the long table I looked around the room and everyone was eating and laughing and talking - there were no angry words - no stress - it was in my humble opinion a true 'Norman Rockwell' Christmas - my heart was so full I thought it would burst!!  (of course the 2 glasses of wine could have helped with my nostalgic emotions!)   

On Boxing Day my youngest daughter and I went to see the Nutcracker Ballet - thanks to my son-law's gift of a pair of tickets so we could have some Mother / daughter bonding time.

So yes - I did make a whole bunch of Christmas memories and came home feeling warm and fuzzy and am looking forward to my next visit :)

Sunday Sentiments...

I really have to say -  that despite some pretty rocky roads the last couple of years - despite a whole lot of hurt - despite some nasty words and more than a few tears - I feel like the luckiest "mom" alive ........... and so very blessed to have found my way back to my girls ........... usually  it is the parent waiting for the child to come home - in my case - it was the kids waiting for  mom to come home. 

I came home and they were waiting.

Best feeling in the world!

Boxing Day

Merry Christmas

Wishing everyone much joy and happiness this Christmas.

Christmas - minus 1 day

Christmas minus 2 days

Rush Rush

Driving home on Saturday night from the munch - in the dark - in the snow - I noticed that on the shift console - the light for "drive" was lit up BUT so was the light for "neutral".  My heart pounded.  Something was wrong - and I have to drive to Montreal on Wednesday - what to do what to do??? 

Yesterday morning at the crack of dawn (nearly) I was at the garage with the car - dropped it off and came home.... and started coming up with a Plan B to get myself and the presents and the food and my clothes to Montreal.  I did laundry - but other than that I pretty much sat around wondering what I was gonna do.  

The mechanic called.  Good news and bad news.  Good news they had patched up the problem (which wasn't / isn't my transmission) and it should be fine to drive to Montreal.  Bad news - the part needed to fix the shift console would take 2 weeks minimum to get here.  Good news it's all covered under my extended warranty (thank god for some good judgement 3 years ago)

So basically yesterday was a write off - didn't get much if anything done to get ready for Montreal.  

Today I had a friend drop in for an early morning (8:00 am early) coffee and chat.  At 10:30 I was out running around picking up last minute stuff I absolutely have to have for Christmas!!!  

Now I am home - and suddenly realized I had not posted a blog today .. and dear god I don't want anyone to think I have dropped off the edge of the world (cheeky grin) 

So while I eat my lunch I am writing this blog for you all............ then I am off to make a casserole and some finger foods for Christmas Eve supper......... then organise my clothes and pull out the suitcase and organise the presents into HUGE bags - get my meds and my make up (yeah can you believe it - I am now wearing make up!!)  and make lists of food I can NOT forget........... cause tomorrow I am outta here !!!  I am SO excited !!!  Can you tell??? 

I am taking the laptop with me - and might - MIGHT - post some updates while I am away -   or maybe just some pictures ,.......... I'll be back around the 27th / 28th.... god willing and no snow 


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Christmas giggle for today...........

 

 

Stalled

I went to dinner with friends on Saturday night.  I felt really good about me - I knew in my heart of hearts I looked good and because inside I knew that - I carried myself with pride and confidence.  I was happy and bratty (my old self peeking out).  I was brave and stayed later than I have in a long long time.  And I might have even flirted a little bit (shocked look!)

When I was driving home in the snow (ugh!) in the dark - my thoughts took over.  I had a 3rd date coming up on Sunday - a fun one.  We were supposed to go on a photo shoot.  He was gonna take me down the back roads - show me things I hadn't seen - take me to an old old cemetery.  But on the drive home my old voices started talking to me.... doing all the old dialogue... killing my self assurance - my confidence.

By Sunday morning I couldn't do it....... couldn't go on the 3rd date.  So I emailed and cancelled with a very lame excuse.  All day I felt bad.  I don't do lies - even white ones  - well.  And I was questioning why - the real why - I had cancelled - the real why I feel myself pulling back - making excuses why I shouldn't be seeing him.

On Saturday night a couple of good friends told me "just fuck him enjoy it - and go home"  I am not sure I can do that - just fuck someone and walk away........ well maybe I could if I thought I was a good fuck - but you see - after all these years I have lost all confidence in myself (and yeah I know I have probably talked about this before) ....... But you see - IF I believe I am a poor lay why would I let someone see that side of me?? Why would I let myself be that vulnerable again??!!  It's so much easier to run away........ throw up the walls and run away.

Now I think I understand why both my therapist and my doctor said it is too soon to be trying to find someone to replace W....... there are too many wounds still that need to heal - still a mess of work to do on my confidence.................

I don't know what I am going to do............ right now I could just let sleeping dogs lie - not call him - not email him - and just let it die a natural death.............. BUT then I'll always wonder if I could have ........ fucked him........... without disappointing him too badly - ya know???



Anyway - enough self examination - time for another Christmas picture - to keep the mood somewhat light and fun................

 

Sunday Sentiments

ummmmmmmm it's been way TOOOO long since I felt the whip - so this is just a little self applied masochism (cheeky grin)

Today is Saturday

And life feels good today.

I feel blessed and happy.

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Today's Christmas smile..............

Best Friend

Remember my first date on Sunday?? 

Well I had a second date yesterday.  He is an artist and he invited me over to his place to see his "sketches" (cheeky grin)  Seriously - he owns an art gallery/studio and I went to see it and his paintings and have some coffee.  I was fully aware that this studio/gallery was attached to his house. 

Mini me (my best friend EVER)  and I talk about everything - including - especially - my re-entry to the dating scene.  (just for the record mini me is on the same dating site and has been tutoring me on dating site protocols)   Mini me and I joke/talk about everything........ and I do mean EVERYTHING!  Oh hell - let's be honest here - mini me has a whole lot more street sense than I do - and she does her best to educate me ........ she teases me that I will probably get laid before her (which is amusing as I am not exactly looking to get laid)

I was a bit nervous about going to his house........ hell was this an invitation for sex??? I was nervous I don't mind saying it.  Was I ready for sex with someone ??? 

Yesterday morning at the gym - on the treadmill - I let my mind wander  and realized it wouldn't be such a bad thing to have sex........... or was it?? I am more than a little rusty when it comes to vanilla sex........... my imagination ran through all sorts of scenarios - and by the time I was getting ready for my second date I was even contemplating pulling out a vibrator and taking the edge off - so to speak.  

At his house/studio - a couple of times I found my mind wandering to sexual scenarios - now I was in the house - there were major possibilities for some kinky sex...... like his tall kitchen table that was I was leaning on while he made coffee and my mind's eye realized how well positioned my ass was.......... (shake head - move on) 

We did not have sex - I sorta ran when the feelings overwhelmed me - made my excuses and headed home.  

Once home I texted mini me - I really needed my best friend to talk  to me - to help me understand these feelings......... I was confused.  Was I just horny because it's been 15 years since I had a male fuck me - really fuck me?? Or was I sexually attracted to THIS man??? 

My opening line in my text to mini me was "I almost got laid before you"....... and as I hit send - I was giggling.  I waited for the response ....... and it was "You BITCH!" and I burst out laughing.  That's just who we are together.

After the giggling ended - we talked... and I confessed I wasn't sure if I was just horny (god it's been so long I forget what it feels like) or was I attracted to him.  Mini me suggested I go get my vibrator and take the edge off and see how a session with the vibrator and him in my mind worked.

I told her I had toyed with the idea of doing that BEFORE I went - which sent her off giggling and asking if I had seen the movie Something about Mary (which I hadn't of course) so she filled me in on the "advise Ben Stiller got about jerking off before his date" which had me giggling and gagging at the same time.
 
When we hung up I knew I had made the right decision - as long as I am conflicted about why I want sex I am not going to have it....... I have to KNOW for sure that I am not just looking for a working penis.......... (blunt yeah - but truth too) 

And yeah - for those of you curious - I did go and find my vibrator and had a lovely time all by myself.  I'm not sure "he" was too much of an influence in that session - though he was in my mind - I do know for sure - my body was influenced - WOW !  it's been a long time since I had that "much fun"......... 

I don't know where my artist and I will go - but I do know one thing for sure!  There is no one at all as special as mini me!

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Now for today's Christmas smile............

 

 

 

 

Party Time

Over 30 years ago I started holding Holiday parties for my friends.  Thirty years ago people were excited about them - the RSVPs rolled in quick - and usually said "YES" ....

Then it became next to impossible to plan a party before Christmas so I reverted to a family tradition of holding an Open House (come for a drink and eats and leave when you are ready )  on New Year's Day.  (stems from the Scottish side of the family)   And that worked really well - we always had a house full.  In fact one year I had so many people show up - and STAY - that I sat on the stairs - chin in hand - just marveling at the crowd laughing and mixing and feeling a bit overwhelmed and very blessed to have so many good friends.

Then we moved to Ontario - and people weren't quite so used to me or my customs.  The RSVP's didn't roll in - in fact I had to chase folks.  (I fuss over numbers to make sure I  have enough food) 

Last year we had a good "turn out" and folks stayed and stayed and I thought  all had fun........ BUT this year once again I am having trouble getting the RSVP's back - and it seems some are waiting to see if they get a better offer (well that's how it feels) 

And yes I know this party is mostly vanilla themed - I don't have any play space - but I don't apologize for that....... this party - especially this year - is a celebration of 1)  The New Year 2) a House Warming for my new apartment and 3) a celebration of my New Life.  

BUT numbers don't matter - if only 4 or 5 good friends show up we'll have a blast... I might even put on a BDSM DVD instead of Christmas music - why the hell not ??!!  no sound just the pictures - make up your own dialogue...... LOL now that could be interesting.. 

Anyway - I intend to have some fun !!!  It's my Celebration - my Party !!!  hell I might just throw open the doors and invite anyone who wants to come........ are you interested??? (grinning)



And because I promised myself for the next couple of weeks there would only be joy and fun on The Journey here's another Christmas picture for your viewing enjoyment...

I'd love to have a pair of thigh high socks like those!!!

7 Days

In exactly 7 days I will be on the highway heading down to Montreal to be with youngest daughter and family.  I am SO damn excited - just like a kid waiting for Santa!

Everything is pretty much done.  The baking is done and packaged up, the gifts are wrapped, my wardrobe is planned.  And I have been watching the long range weather forecast holding my breath - no storms please!!

It really has been a long time since I have felt this good about Christmas.......... no   stress (well ok - not much stress) ........ I have been very relaxed for me - enjoying the twinkling Christmas lights every night ........ I sit by my Christmas tree and just grin like some old fool.  This year I don't have to share my excitement - I don't have to try and joke about the Grinches/Scrooges in my life - cause I don't have any!!  

I know there are folks who are going through a tough time - go through tough times every holiday season - but just this one year - I am gonna be a little selfish and wrap the joy and happiness around myself like a warm snuggly blanket - and soak in all the memories and love ......it has been a long time coming ............ 



BUT sometimes you just have to be a little devilish at Christmas - you can't (well I can't!!!) stay good all the time..................... so here's a little picture for you ...........of the beloved (much hated?) Elf on the Shelf !

 

Hindsight

Yesterday someone over on FL loved one of my writings.  I went to see which one it was..... and when I read it I thought it was something I had written in the last few months.  But when I checked I had actually written it 3 years ago!

I fumed for a bit.  Was gonna write a huge long post about it - 

Then I realized it just isn't important anymore.

I don't need to prove to you - OR myself - any longer that I did everything possible to save my relationship...... It just doesn't matter any more.

It was kinda interesting to me - it just doesn't matter anymore ,......WOW a few months ago I couldn't picture myself shrugging my shoulders and just not caring.  

Me thinks this is another BIG step forward on the road to healing.

 

First Date

So - as you know I joined an online dating site.  

 And if any of you have ever been on one - or know anything about them - it's a bit like a meat market.  Within 24 hours of my joining I was a little overwhelmed by the number of men wanting to "date" me but I realized a few things - mainly I wasn't desperate ........ I wasn't in a hurry ... and I was gonna be picky,

I realized it wasn't important to have a date - what was important was to be ME - and if they didn't accept ME I wasn't gonna change one lil thing to be more acceptable.  I matter more - much more - than finding a date.

One chap contacted me - he was clever in his writing - challenging a bit.  He intrigued me.  On Friday he suggested we might meet up for coffee.  I figured why not - let's not waste time - there either is chemistry / interest  or there isn't.  So I agreed.  We were set to meet yesterday at a local restaurant for coffee.

It went ok.  We had good discussions about everything from kids/education to family to  politics.  

My observations following the date ............ 
The best part of this date - the very best part - it felt so damn good to be ogled by a man again - and know he was impressed with what he saw.  

It felt good to be seen as a woman - maybe even a reasonably hot woman!  It's been a long time since I felt pretty and desirable.

And he kissed me - softly and very gentlemanly - I grinned inside and was bold enough to take it up just a notch or two before gracefully stepping out of his car (where we had been sitting having a smoke)

And it felt pretty damn good when he asked if I wanted to see him again ........... and I didn't jump at it - didn't feel desperate to hold on - to see him immediately - instead I said yes I would like to see him again- but we'd have to play it by ear - it's Christmas time and I am busy.

When I walked away from his car I had a spring in my step and dare I say a little wiggle to my ass............ 

I felt like a woman again - a good looking woman - a woman worthy of a kiss and a second date.

And the other thing I realized - there IS life after 65 ........ and it looks pretty damn good to me!

Sunday Sentiments

Mental Health Check.

Two months ago I saw my doctor for my yearly check up.  At the time (if you remember) I asked to see a therapist - I felt like my world had imploded and couldn't find a way to patch it back together.  He got me an appointment with a therapist - AND insisted I come back to see him in 2 months.

Yesterday was my 2 month mental health check up.

The doctor saw me... not a resident......... which told me how worried he must have been about me 2 months ago.  Usually I see a resident and if necessary the doc will drop in at the end to say "hi".  Not this time.

First thing he wanted to know was how I was doing............. but also said he had a feeling I was doing much better ...... yup much better.  We talked a little bit about some of the awkward moments that have happened in the last 2 months..... like W sending me gift cards for my birthday....... and how - for the first time in 4 months - we actually bumped into one another at the shops this week.  

I had commented a couple of times - that seeing how close we live - that we basically shop in the same stores - it was amazing we hadn't bumped into one another before.. and then there I was facing him in the drugstore - thinking "this is awkward!" We smiled at each other made awkward mumbled comments and kept on moving....... I guess the first meeting is the worst.   The doc agreed - first is the worst ...... and then moved on to tell me what he hopes I will accomplish with the therapist ......... like not making the same mistake twice - choosing someone who is so wrong for me....... 

Then the doc brought the conversation around to the weight I have lost.  He showed me a graph on the computer that was just this red line that started in the top left corner of the screen and angled straight down to the bottom of the right hand corner.  He wanted to know how much weight I was planning on losing....... I said I thought another 20 + pounds.  He rolled his eyes at me and asked if we could compromise - say maybe 10 more???  I promised I would consider it....... but that I did plan to take a "holiday" from walking my 10,000 steps and measuring and weighing my food for 2 weeks over the holidays.  I earned the right to celebrate,  He laughed and said I had more than earned the right!!

YAY me!

In my heart of hearts I know I am going to go for the 20+ pounds.  In my logic the weight will stop coming off when I have reached my "ideal" weight - that my body knows what that weight is.  

We did talk a little bit about my joining a dating web site.  The doc rolled his eyes again - and that's when he brought up the topic of my discussing not falling into old traps with my therapist.  

I think I know what he means..... I am not cured for sure - but I do know I am being very picky who I even correspond with..... I am not settling.  I have had a few offers of coffee/dinner and turned them down - they were too far away - or not my type etc..... but there is one that peaks my curiosity.   BUT I am not desperate to have a man in my life... I am not looking for anything more than a date here and there - an excuse to dress up and go out and hopefully have challenging conversations and light hearted discussions and some laughs.  Nothing more ............. thank you very much.  I learned a very hard lesson with W....... my walls are up ........... and I am not sure there is anyone who is gonna take them down ever again.  

Anyway - all in all the mental health check went well...... got a gold star for taking control of my weight and sugars....... and don't have to see the doc for at least 4 months.  (though I do continue with the therapist)

Primal

The other day on Fetlife - I read a post on "Primal".  It was interesting in and of itself - but what surprised me was the emotions it aroused in me.  Memories flowed back - swamping me - taking my breath away - making my knees go weak.

Almost a year ago I played with a Dom who (and I wrote about this before) was an excellent match for the masochist side of me............ but during the scene I swore I heard a "growling" sound.  After the fact he owned up to the growling.......almost shyly.  I told him there was nothing to worry about - I had found it intriguing - almost "hot".  I had never played with anyone who "growled" before..............

Let's get something straight here - this "growling" wasn't put on - it was very real!  It was a gut reaction to the scene - something reached down deep inside of him and pulled out this primal instinct.  

The post on Fetlife got me thinking........ mostly about MY reaction to this primal sort of play.  It was violent - it was rough and .......... primal.  I can't come up with a better term.  But I wondered out loud (so to speak) in a comment on the piece - if the Top was primal what was the bottom??? 

I didn't feel primal - or did I??? 

Since then we have played a couple of times - each time we took this primal play to a new higher level.  Each time it left me weak kneed........ panting........... feeling vulnerable .. yet protected .... and definitely a little frightened of the responses from my body.....I can SO understand the Top's hesitancy to allow this primal being out.  
 
As the bottom to a primal Top - does that make me prey??? baring my throat ... my body for more and more - 

One thing I do know for sure - that primal play is raw and very real.  You can't pretend to be primal - you can't act it out - you either have it or you don't.  And I admit - here and now - it is a form of play that is "HOT"...... at least for me!

Boredom?

The one thing I HATE about Christmas is that "my shows" on television are playing repeats.  I have been tuning in Netflix just to kill the boredom.

But I have noticed on some of the television channels they are running Christmas movies - all day every day - for about the last 2 weeks. 

Originally I thought when I saw Christmas movies - that it would be all the old favourites - The Grinch - It's a Wonderful Life - Scrooge - etc ............ but they haven't been.  They have been ( I am guessing ) low budget no big stars probably written on the back of a napkin............. 

The other day around dinner time - I had left the television on one of these movies - so when I sat down I decided to watch it - out of sheer boredom. and yes - low budget - no big stars and definitely scribbled out on the back of some napkin............. they seem to be using a formula to set out the plot....... fill in the blanks type of film..,., seen one you've seen 'em all type of movies........... 

Boredom is a strange creature - you land up doing things you wouldn't normally do......... like watching low budget Christmas films - hell they don't even have any recognizable Christmas music...........

BUT the one thing they all have in common - I always cry at the end....... le sigh - sappy movies with happy endings always make me cry - and there isn't a Christmas movie written (that I have seen ) that doesn't have a sappy "happy ever after" ending..............

Aww well - it's kind of a trade off for me - to have the Happy Christmas season - I have to give up my television shows!  It's boring - but hell - in two weeks I'll be so busy I might just be wishing for a little quiet boredom ............ 

 

Why now?

Yesterday's post dragged up a whole slew of memories - and questions and finally a conclusion.

Let me take you back a bit.   When I was much younger - living at home with my parents - I was given a mantra - "when you lose weight you will be pretty".  So I was always trying to lose weight to be pretty.  It didn't work for long. And I always felt like I failed and therefore was ugly.

I spent more than half my life eating healthy - but craving sweets and junk.  I was a mood eater - when I was happy I would binge eat sweets and junk (in secret) ... when I was sad I would binge eat sweets and junk (in secret) .. when I was sad or depressed I would binge eat sweets and junk (in secret).  No one I lived with ever ate junk or too many sweets....... it was my forbidden fruit.

Fast forward a few years ........ I met W who didn't seem concerned about my weight and often coaxed me to go out with him to fast food restaurants or buy a dozen donuts - to enjoy the forbidden fruit.  AND I loved it!!  It was like Nirvana.

Then about a year ago W convinced me to go with him and join the Y.  He and I had such plans !!!  He would swim I would work out in the gym.  I was "playing" at getting fit - at being active.  BUT not so much about losing weight.

For the first few months I went because I thought it would please W.  It didn't please me - but I didn't count - only pleasing W counted.  I went 3 times a week - spent an hour playing on the machines but my heart wasn't really in it... I was doing it for him after all - to please him - hoping to earn a pat on the head and a "good girl"

Then around February last year I decided to get one of the fitbit bracelets like everyone else had....... W had one - my girls had one - my son in law had one - it seemed like everyone had one.  So I got one and strapped it on........ discovered I was more than sedentary doing only about 3,000 steps a day.  UGH!  I had read and my doctor had told me I needed at least 10,000 a day to lose weight.

Then my motivation for going to the gym changed - I wasn't going to please W anymore - I wasn't even going to try and get the 10,000 steps.  I was going cause it got me out of the house for an hour or so.  I went for a walk most evenings after dinner - not because of the 10,000 steps (though that is what I told everyone) No it was to get me out of the house for a little while.

Then there was another little shift in my motivation.  I was going to the gym to plan - to plot - to dream about a life on my own - something I was scared to dream about at home for some reason.  And I found I was working harder on the treadmill - pounding out 7,000 8,000 steps as though I was running away from something - or maybe more truthful - running TO something.

My therapist described my month of August as "putting your head down and pushing through whatever had to be done"........ and god she was right.  And that was what I was doing at the gym in August and September - pounding out the hurt and frustration and anger on that poor treadmill.  

The weight was coming off - but I was still too much in my head to see it ... to fully see it.  That has happened only in the last couple of weeks.  As my moods have improved - as I have started to find my confidence in myself - I began to notice my weight was dropping off.  (ok ok not exactly dropping off - but going) I wasn't eating my way through each mood swing each problem.  I was facing them and dealing with them and patting MYSELF on the back..... 

Which brings me to yesterday on the treadmill.  I realized the reason the weight is coming off.. the reason my moods are improving - the reason the world is looking brighter is because I have taken charge of MY life - not depending on anyone - not relying on anyone - not needing or wanting approval from anyone.  

This feeling is invigorating ............. cause I do "still gotta lot life in me"

 

Short and Sweet

Today is a good day............ in fact the good days are outnumbering the bad ones ........ and we all knew that would happen eventually..... when the open wounds started to scab over and the heart and mind turned to better options.

A weird thing about me - something a doctor remarked on many years ago - is that I don't see myself - or desire to be - thin and fit.  Even when I do lose weight I tend to stay in my "big" clothes - this way no one sees the changes happening - including myself.  I look in the mirror and see the clothes I have always worn - not the me hiding inside them.

A change started a couple of weeks ago - when I bought those one piece Pjs ....... and I looked (and saw myself) in the mirror - wow!!  who was that woman??!!

Tentatively I have been purchasing new clothes one piece or so at a time - I don't try them on at the shops - I just make sure if they don't fit I can bring them back.......... but every single thing fits.  I even found a dress and two suede skirts hiding in the back on my cupboard and tried them on - and they fit too!!

Slowly I am transforming - a bit like a butterfly climbing out of its cocoon - if that isn't too bold a statement to make.  I look at myself in the mirror every day when I put on a new outfit (never used to look in the mirror) and surprise myself every single day.  

Confidence is building - 

Maybe - just maybe - I am building a life I deserve - not for anyone else - but just for me!  It is a good feeling!

Blech

We have had days and days of clouds and rain.  It's December for goodness sakes!!  Where's the snow?? At least with snow there is a feeling of brightness - a feeling of Christmas........... 

But with this weather it's hard to know if we're in December or March.............

I was quite literally sulking this weekend - thinking if I don't see sun soon I will loose it!  I tried going to the Mall on Saturday - spent money - didn't feel any better.  Sunday went to another mall - spend some more money - still didn't feel any better.  (AND didn't come close to my 10,000 steps a day)

I did do something I wasn't sure I would ever do............ EVER.... I joined a couple of online dating sites.  Dear GOD!  they say it's free - but if you don't pay their fees you can't actually do anything except see the males who are looking - see that some males are viewing your profile - see that some males are liking your profile - see that some males are sending you emails............. but I can't access them unless I want to spend a small fortune every month!!  I am finally ready to dip my toe in .. see if there is someone interested in a little dating - a little flirting and have no idea how to do it.......... le sigh........

It just happened - I realized I wanted to start meeting people again - well not just people but gentlemen.  (which is what I said on my profiles on these dating sites - I would like to meet a gentleman - and I added I am not a one stand kind of girl - which I hope chases off the guys who are looking for quick lay)

We'll see what happens ............ maybe it would be worth paying for a month??? Just to see if there are any "gentlemen" out there.............. 

And in the midst of my angst about the weather - and dating sites that charge an arm and a leg........... real life was happening for a dear friend.  Sometimes I wonder how much the human spirit can handle.  My problems pale in comparison trust me.  I know she wouldn't want me going on and on about it.............. but after our morning text today I sat here feeling very grateful for my life - and realized  - on the bigger scale of things - my problems are pretty minor.