Wednesday, December 09, 2015

Why now?

Yesterday's post dragged up a whole slew of memories - and questions and finally a conclusion.

Let me take you back a bit.   When I was much younger - living at home with my parents - I was given a mantra - "when you lose weight you will be pretty".  So I was always trying to lose weight to be pretty.  It didn't work for long. And I always felt like I failed and therefore was ugly.

I spent more than half my life eating healthy - but craving sweets and junk.  I was a mood eater - when I was happy I would binge eat sweets and junk (in secret) ... when I was sad I would binge eat sweets and junk (in secret) .. when I was sad or depressed I would binge eat sweets and junk (in secret).  No one I lived with ever ate junk or too many sweets....... it was my forbidden fruit.

Fast forward a few years ........ I met W who didn't seem concerned about my weight and often coaxed me to go out with him to fast food restaurants or buy a dozen donuts - to enjoy the forbidden fruit.  AND I loved it!!  It was like Nirvana.

Then about a year ago W convinced me to go with him and join the Y.  He and I had such plans !!!  He would swim I would work out in the gym.  I was "playing" at getting fit - at being active.  BUT not so much about losing weight.

For the first few months I went because I thought it would please W.  It didn't please me - but I didn't count - only pleasing W counted.  I went 3 times a week - spent an hour playing on the machines but my heart wasn't really in it... I was doing it for him after all - to please him - hoping to earn a pat on the head and a "good girl"

Then around February last year I decided to get one of the fitbit bracelets like everyone else had....... W had one - my girls had one - my son in law had one - it seemed like everyone had one.  So I got one and strapped it on........ discovered I was more than sedentary doing only about 3,000 steps a day.  UGH!  I had read and my doctor had told me I needed at least 10,000 a day to lose weight.

Then my motivation for going to the gym changed - I wasn't going to please W anymore - I wasn't even going to try and get the 10,000 steps.  I was going cause it got me out of the house for an hour or so.  I went for a walk most evenings after dinner - not because of the 10,000 steps (though that is what I told everyone) No it was to get me out of the house for a little while.

Then there was another little shift in my motivation.  I was going to the gym to plan - to plot - to dream about a life on my own - something I was scared to dream about at home for some reason.  And I found I was working harder on the treadmill - pounding out 7,000 8,000 steps as though I was running away from something - or maybe more truthful - running TO something.

My therapist described my month of August as "putting your head down and pushing through whatever had to be done"........ and god she was right.  And that was what I was doing at the gym in August and September - pounding out the hurt and frustration and anger on that poor treadmill.  

The weight was coming off - but I was still too much in my head to see it ... to fully see it.  That has happened only in the last couple of weeks.  As my moods have improved - as I have started to find my confidence in myself - I began to notice my weight was dropping off.  (ok ok not exactly dropping off - but going) I wasn't eating my way through each mood swing each problem.  I was facing them and dealing with them and patting MYSELF on the back..... 

Which brings me to yesterday on the treadmill.  I realized the reason the weight is coming off.. the reason my moods are improving - the reason the world is looking brighter is because I have taken charge of MY life - not depending on anyone - not relying on anyone - not needing or wanting approval from anyone.  

This feeling is invigorating ............. cause I do "still gotta lot life in me"


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