Fantasy versus Reality

Last weekend - over on My Bottom Smarts - Bonnie asked us to plan an imaginary spanking festival/exposition.  (You can read all the clever ideas at this link..... Spanko Brunch)

I don't always offer up submissions to Bonnie's Sunday Brunch discussions - but that one caught my imagination.  I have been thinking about it during the week.  As much as what I wrote was fiction - it was based partially on reality.  W and I have been to more than a few BDSM weekends - complete with demos and lectures .. goods for sale and play parties.

One of the activities at one of the festivals we have been to is a "slave auction".  Slave auctions have always been real good fodder for my overly active imagination.  Images of nubile naked slaves (both male and female) tethered to an auction block dance around my mind.  Heads down - shame and humiliation playing games with their heads - Masters inspecting every inch of their bodies - refusing some - bidding on others.  Being led away by the chain attached to one's collar.  OH YES...... definitely fodder for my imagination.  

BUT the reality of it is........... it's very scary - and daunting - and not so much fun.  How do I know?? Cause at one of the festivals we attend - they hold slave auctions.  (oh and they auction off Dominant's skills as well)  At the last one W and I were at - I couldn't bring myself to volunteer for the slave auction.  Hell I couldn't even volunteer for the spank-o-thon (a line of submissives bent over - asses in the air - receiving spanks from any Top feeling the need to spank) 

The reality is I am shy - and fairly insecure - and definitely not bold enough to offer myself up to some stranger.  The reality of it is you don't know the person who may bid on you and win.  The reality of it is bad things could happen.  

But it is fun to fantasize about being chained to the auction block - nearly naked - heart pounding - being led away to some cruel fate............. yup the fantasy is wonderful - the reality - not so much.

Into Every Life a little Rain must Fall

A little rain is one thing ............. torrential downpours are a completely different thing.........

I awoke yesterday to torrential rain - and severe thunder storm warnings for the day.  I do not have an umbrella because I lose them - all the time.  BUT I do have a rain coat with a hood - which is so much better than an umbrella. I got tired of fighting with umbrellas - trying to open them outside the front door without getting wet.. trying to close them up when I got in the car without scratching the paint - or getting wet.  I got tired of trying to hold on to the damn thing and my book bag and my coffee and everything else I carry between house and car.  I got tired of trying to keep them from blowing inside out on a really truly blustery day.         AND  I got tired of losing them.    


Yesterday morning I got ready for work while the rain pounded against the windows and made small rivers in my gardens.  When I went to get my rain coat with the hood - I remembered I had left it at work - hanging on the back of my door.  (am I now losing my rain coat as well as umbrellas??!!)  So I made a mad dash for my car without any protection and managed - just - to get there with out acquiring the "drowned rat" look.


By the time I was ready to come home for my morning break - the rains had stopped and the sun was peaking out.... I grabbed my rain coat (I'm no fool!!)  I dragged that rain coat back and forth to school between the morning break .. the lunch break.... BUT when I ran home for an afternoon break - the sun was shining brightly and the heat and humidity was sky rocketing.  I left my rain coat sitting on a chair in the kitchen. 

At 4:30 the sky got black - threatening dark black - and just about the time I would have left for the day and headed home - the severe thunder storms hit.  The torrential rains were so bad - cars were stopping in the middle of the road - people were hudding inside the school - I could barely see the houses across the street.  And my rain coat ?? well it was sitting all safe and dry in my kitchen.

When it all let up enough to allow me to run to my car - the water in the parking lot was about 1/3 of the way up the tires of the parked cars... The roads were overflowing with mud puddles....... My mind had turned to building boats............ 

In the evening - after the worst of the storm seemed to have passed....... W called me.  He asked me if I had checked the basement??!!!  I asked why as I got up and moved towards the stairs........... because he told me his basement was flooded - lots of homes had flooded basements......... I began to worry - seriously worry.  But I was sitting high and dry and breathed a huge sigh of relief.  

W on the other hand had had visitors interested in buying his house there when the basement started to flood (OMG) and had the second set of visitors cancel out because their basement was flooded.  

This morning the sun is shining and all's right with the world again........ the storms have passed .. W is trying to dry out his basement before the next set of visitors arrive.... and me?? well I am thinking I can safely leave my rain coat at home today...... tomorrow is another story - more rain forecast for tomorrow............

Friendship

I have been thinking about "friends" recently.  And I realized all the "friends" I have had have come from the places I work - or the schools I attended - or (back in the day) the churches I attended.  And when it came time for me to move on - or for them to move on - we lost touch.  So they aren't friends anymore are they???

That's an honest question ......... honest true !!  I honestly don't know the answer.  

Ya see I think I need remedial work on "friends".  I think I am a bad friend.  I don't keep in touch and I make very little effort to make new friends. 


And funny enough it doesn't bother me one little bit.......... that I don't have friends.... BFF .. or close acquaintances - or any sort of friend really.  If people pass through my life I am delighted.  I laugh with them and visit with them - have them over for meals and parties............ But once they (or I ) move along I rarely think of them again.


BUT when I look around me people who surround me have friends and seem to understand how this whole "friendship" thing works.  I don't.  So I have been watching - paying close attention - almost taking notes.... cause I think it is supposed to be important......... this having friends.  


I was thinking about when I retire - when I move out of province.  I have said and will continue to say - "we'll keep in touch"........... "you'll come out and visit with me and W" but deep down inside I know once I move - the friends will disappear.


I think a part of me envies those that have close friends - but there is a larger part of me that can't figure out how they find the time to have all these friends.  When do they find quiet time for themselves??? 


And there is my problem - I believe.  The agoraphobic in me ... the hermit in me........ likes my alone time.  I am ok with one friend - like W - living with me - being in my life....... but parties and crowds of people - they exhaust me.  The logistics of phoning people and making dates and actually going out and doing things together???? It boggles my mind..... my orderly mind - where do I fit it all in???


But I will continue to work on this failing of mine....... friends - finding them and keeping them - cause when I move - I will have to start all over again...... because the folks around the edges of my life now will disappear -just like all the other folks that were sprinkled into and around my life have done in the past.


Friends are what normal people have - right?? Friends are who normal people socialize with and play with and laugh with - right???   I would like to be normal I think - at least for the last part of my life.

Vanilla Time

It was a quiet weekend this past weekend... 

 Oh there was a play party we could have gone to........ but we opted to go to dinner with eldest daughter.  She used her brand spanking new barbeque (her belated Christmas gift from me) and made us fancy dancy "pizza" hamburgers and grilled asian potatoes.  We drank wine and mom got a little plastered (it doesn't take much to make me tipsy) and sat outside by candle light and enjoyed quiet conversation.  

Sunday morning I made fried eggs and bacon and toast and W and I watched the Sunday morning news show.  Then we picked up eldest daughter and went to the market to buy some flowers for ALL our gardens.  Mission accomplished - flowers bought and planted -  W and I went out for a quick lunch at a sausage shop near me.  They make the very best sausages everything from Jamaican sausages  to bacon and maple  to swiss cheese - the choices are endless and so yummy !!!

Then W returned home and I went for a hot bath to ease the aching muscles from digging the gardens for the new plants.  Then I curled up on the sofa with my "other" man - Bruce Willis - and watched a couple of his movies.

It was a quiet weekend - compared to our usual ones - but oh so very nice.  It helped me recharge my batteries for the next bout of busy-ness ........... 

Everyone needs a quiet time every so often.

Sunday Sentiments

Slow down you're moving too fast..........

I have always had a problem of wishing time away - wishing I was grown up - wishing the holidays were here - wishing the school year would start - wishing the summer was here - wishing the week over - the day over - Always wishing for some time in the future.

The problem with that is ...... I get so caught up in wishing the future here - that I miss the present many times.  I feel like a race horse in the starting gate - waiting for the bell to ring - the gate to drop - and the race to start......... BUT it seems my mind is always in the gate - even when I am cantering along at a nice easy pace.

I was sitting here this morning - in the early morning sunshine - coffee in hand - looking at houses for sale......... and with each house I saw I was picturing how I would decorate it - what changes I would make - fussing and fuming over combining two complete households into one - AND - adding the new bits and pieces that I want for our new life.  I was also thinking about the cleaning/laundry I should be doing this morning.  I was also thinking about the next 4 weeks - June my dreaded month - with next weekend prep time for W's garage sale - the following weekend His garage sale - the need to clean out the Prek rooms out on the island before the end of June - our possible next visit to Kingston.

I suddenly realized that 2 hours had passed and I hadn't enjoyed the birds singing outside my window - or the sun streaming in the window or that first cup of coffee that is now cold sitting fore lonely on the corner of my desk.  

I fear I am going to race towards the future and race and race - and I will land up skidding into my grave  not having appreciated the journey - 

I would prefer my journey to be:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the 
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well 
preserved body, but rather skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other,
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
WOO HOO what a ride!"  (by Florence Ondre)
  

Punching Bag

I am so tired  of being a  punching bag- for all the folks who think they can plunk all the blame for their inadequacies at my feet.  


From  the black woman at work who believes that she doesn't have to be a team player that somehow she is entitled to special privileges because she is black - and NO I am not imagining that - cause she has played the "black card" or threatened to so many times I am tired of hearing it.  I don't see colour - I see a woman who won't join the team for meetings - who uses reverse discrimination by refusing to do anything and I do mean ANYTHING with the white women on the team, who becomes aggressive and verbally abusive when she doesn't get her own way.  And I am tired - so damn tired - of a school board and union who get all a-twitter when she opens her mouth and says the dreaded words "It's because I am black" 

I am tired of being knocked about by folks who think I have nothing better to do than operate/run their fund raisers - and who become more than a little indignant when I refuse to get involved.


I am tired of "secret" emails to W complaining about how nice someone is - how willing to cooperate  - how no one understands her pain....... and that it is MY fault - all my fault that W doesn't go running every time she snaps her fingers. It is all my fault - ad naseum - 


I am tired of hearing it all - ALL.  I just want to smack someone........ 


And the worst part - there is nothing I can do to fix it........ 

The black woman will run (once again) to the principal and the Board if necessary - I will have to spend time defending my stance (I am right - this time anyway - but I will have to prove it ) 

The fund raisers will sulk around and be in my way and get under my skin - and I am gonna have to tolerate it - or do it myself - which I have no intentions of doing.  

The not so secret emails will continue to pour into W - He has said he will not forward them to me anymore ........ but that won't make them disappear - they will slip to the back of my mind and play their insidious games in my subconscious..... 


I am very tired of being someone else's punching bag...........

Two Solitudes

I had written a rather long post about the two solitudes of Kingston.  I had written about the second group we met on Saturday evening.  I had written about the THE LEADER of this group.  I had written about my dismay with HIS attitude towards us. I had written about my perceptions of THE LEADER.  This morning I erased it all.

This play party we went to on Saturday evening was one of the strangest ones I have ever attended.  First off - we had to sit through a "lecture" on Rubber and Latex (which we have no interest in - but - shrug - sometimes you do what you gotta do) But I did take exception to being made to sit through a porn video - that involved a whole lot of footage on golden showers.  Definitely non-consensual participation on my part.  

Then we had to sit through a meeting............ yes I said a meeting.  Requests for volunteers for various projects they want to undertake - requests for fund raising (though we were never really told what the money was needed for) Reminders (ad nauseum) about confidentiality.  

As a friend said " well that was 1 1/2 hours of my time wasted".  

W and I did get to play and we had fun playing.  We always do.  Unfortunately the flogger with the metal tips opened up my ass and I bled - which wasn't ok cause we had to stop playing. We did visit a bit with the new folks ......... and then we headed back to our motel.

It definitely wasn't the best play party I have been to......... wasn't the worst ........ but definitely not high on my list of good parties.  

Then the day after there was some "fall out" from THE LEADER's misunderstanding a bit of conversation he overheard...... and then my knuckles got rapped for the post I put up on his "google group".

The nice thing is........... THE LEADER's group isn't the only game in town.  AND we can still drive back here - or up to the Nation's Capital for a play party or two..... hell - depending on the house we find - we could even hold a play party or two of our own - without the Board meeting atmosphere.

Now I believe I have worked my way from the middle of our weekend - out to the last edge.  We are back to W trying to get his house on the market and me putting in my time at school for the next 16 months.  We know which areas we would like to move to.. we know which group welcomed us and was fun... we have the ground work set for our move........ and that is all that matters !

Disappointing

So Sunday we met - for the first time - the real estate agent.  The one who has been very good at sending us listings every week.  


First problem was - no matter what area I suggested - he would ask if I had any idea how far away it was.......... (le sigh).  When we met I asked if he was born and raised in Kingston..... he was .. which explains his fear of having to travel any distance.  Honestly if you get lost in Kingston you are never more than 10 minutes from where you should be.  Where W and I live - we are both about 20 - 25 minutes from the center of town....... so a 20 minute drive to town is nothing for us... for a Kingstoner - it's mind boggling.

On Saturday .....with time to fill....we had checked out  a neighbouring town - but weren't  that pleased with the feel of the town.  So we settled in to look at homes in Kingston.  

To be honest I really wasn't all that impressed with our agent.  He knew nothing about the houses he was showing us........ from the one with the cement floor all dug up and cracked and heaving - to light switches in the ceiling - to the neighbourhoods he took us to.  After seeing 6 houses - without a break - he announced that was it.  I kept getting the feeling he was gonna be glad to see the back of us.

I asked if there was anything in two other neighbouring towns that perhaps we could see on Monday...... but he said no.  That night in the motel I cranked up the pc and did a search......... not only were there houses in the other two towns.. one of the houses was one our agent's listings .. WTF??!!! 


I went to bed feeling more than a little disappointed.  I hadn't fallen in love with any of the houses he had shown us - or for that matter - the neighbourhoods.


On Monday morning W and I discussed taking the back roads through the two towns we wanted to see.  We figured we wouldn't get to see any homes - but we would get a feel for the towns... and like the town we visited on Saturday ... find out if it was a "fit" for us.  


So after breakfast we packed up and started on down the road.............. 


We came to the first little town - that is approximately 15 minutes from Kingston.  We drove up and down some of the streets - soaking in the ambiance - admiring the homes... and actually finding one we had seen on line - and knew the price.  As we headed out of that town and down the road to 15 minutes on the other side of Kingston W said that he liked the first town..... a lot.  So did I .. it felt .. like home.


The second little town - is small and really a tourist area.  But we both loved it too.  W said he would like to live in town 1 ..OR town 2 ....OR finally in Kingston. 

We took the long way home - enjoying the sunshine and the views... and the comfort of being in each other's company.  The disappointment from Sunday was gone - there is hope ..........

A good cuppa please

We are home - well truthfully we got home yesterday late afternoon.  It was a busy weekend - lots of running around.  I almost don't know where to start.... 

So I will start in the middle and work my way out to the edges over the next few days.  

Sunday night we were pooped - exhausted - from looking at homes and trying to remember areas / communities and all the assorted things one tries to remember when one is house hunting.

We had curled up in our motel for the evening and I figured we would watch some TV and fall asleep.  

BUT 

W had different ideas.  He had brought the cupping set we have.  He decided it would be fun to do some cupping.  I thought 'easy peasy play time.  I get to just lie here and W will attach cups and then take them off' .  It had been so long since we did it - I honestly had no memory of what it felt like.

Well it took the first placement to remind me.......... can I say WTF??!!!  By the time my ass was covered I was breathing deeply and feeling very light headed and floaty..........

in my addled brain I was trying to remember how they came off... but it seemed to me it was simple - just release the suction and they popped off.  So I settled back down to enjoying the burning pain.  

Oh yeah - I should add that this cupping was done on an ass that had been well beaten the night before - so well beaten that it bled.  

W played with the cups - tugging them - knocking them - pushing them together so they touched........ I remember moaning softly.  

Then W said he wanted to do my nipples. So he started to remove them.  Know what it feels like????  Like having a band-aid ripped ...... RIPPED ... off - only 10 times worse!!!  


Unfortunately my nipples couldn't take the pressure of cupping so W put one on my clit.... 

 Can I say OUCH??!!!!

Here's some pics of my ass once the cups were removed... if you look closely you will see a small pinpoint mark in the middle of each circle.............. 

That's because each cup has a rod with a point.... 

all I can say is - it was a LONG ride home in the car - each bump reminding me of the nice "cuppa" 


 
 

Sunday Sentiments

On the hunt..........

Know where we are??  We are in Kingston 

Know what we are doing??  We are involved in the Great House Hunt.

Well - except for tonight.   Tonight we are going to the Great Kingston Play Party.  
Hey you didn't think we would set down new roots in a new city without finding a BDSM community to join do you??? 

I'll tell you all about EVERYTHING when we get back on Tuesday ........... yes Tuesday - it's a long weekend up here in the Great White North...... 

TGIF

I made it !!  I did .. I did .. I did!  It's Friday - finally!

What a bloody week.......... from drama with the daughter ... to drama with my staff... to drama with my parents......... I honestly wondered at one point if I would make it to Friday.

No seriously - I honestly wondered if I would make it.

I had one parent on Monday give me hell .. HELL... because I didn't give her children a message - despite the fact I never spoke to her (she did come into my office last evening - eating humble pie - she had dialed the wrong number - and as fate would have it she got a daycare - she didn't listen to anything after the word "daycare" just assumed she was talking to me...... le sigh)

Then I had a parent - who is collecting money from all the families in her child's class - come bouncing into my office and inform me all these families would be dropping off the cash with ............... ME.......... yup me. I said "absolutely NO" and she threw a hissy fit......... le sigh

I had 30 parents - yeah 30 !!  forget they had cancelled their child's hot lunch on Thursday.......... which meant at 12:30 I had supervisors storming into my office asking for lunches - 30 of them total............... now I am running a restaurant......... le sigh

I have staff members who think they are god ............ well then I must be the devil right??  So I have been shaking up some long held beliefs on who is the boss and who isn't..........it's May for god's sakes - you'd think they would have the basics down by now right?? ............ le sigh.......

On the slightly sweet side - and silly side - my principal called me into her office to go over the budget with me .......... why??   because, according to her, I am SO good at accounting....... go figure !! ...... le sigh

Throw into that mix - the usual kid problems - the fact I have more staff out sick than I have working - that the vacation schedules have to be done by today - that I am over due getting a bank deposit done - and a million other jobs............... 

And yeah I am looking an awful lot like the cat in the picture - and I am chanting TGIF TGIF TGIF...........  

The Lil Engine who Could

I tend to put the finishing touches on my lesson plans/themes in August - when I am sitting totally relaxed ... totally refreshed... under my lil red umbrella in my secret garden.

Last August when I was looking at what would add some pizazz to my theme "Around the world in 180 days" I came up with this brilliant idea to hold a celebration at the end of each country.  That celebration would involve food for the children from the respective country - music - and maybe some entertainment. 

It is now May - 9 months into the year and yesterday we finished up our second to last country - India.  True to form we had to have a celebration.   

Remember the story of the lil engine who thought he could??? "I think I can ....... I think I can... I think I can. ................. I KNEW I COULD!!"  that one - remember it?? 

Well that was me yesterday.  I was at the Board in the morning - then back to school for lunch to handle some problems - then off to pick up the supplies/food for the party.  By the time 3:30 rolled around I was (and there is no polite way of putting this) dragging my ass.  WHY in god's name did I think - way back in August - that this celebration idea was such a good idea???!!!   ................ right I remember now - for the kids !!

So the tables were set in bright colours - the diwali pots were set with lit candles - the samosas fresh from the oven were on the tables (thank you god there was a restaurant that agreed to make fresh piping hot samosas for 3:00 p.m.) And the kids filed in......... you could have heard a pin drop when they saw the lunch room decorated in Indian style.  Then there was laughter and chattering and scrambling for places at the tables.

I have to say the funniest part of the celebration was when my wee lil ones decided to dip their samosas in the dipping sauce........ all of a sudden I had about 12 wee ones jumping up with their mouths wide open - tongues hanging out - rushing to the drinking fountains.  

Unfortunately I cannot  put up pictures of the children celebrating India - I would love to share with you two of my young girls dressed in traditional Indian costumes.  BUT I can show you the tables .. and the samosas and the diwali pots........ 

 Now we're packing our bags and heading off to Hawaii (seemed a suitable country to visit as we head into the heat and muggy weather of June) .......... with one last celebration on the horizon at the end of June.......... one last celebration !  I think I can .. I think I can.. I think I can............. 

Protection and Love

I do not - NOT - handle conflict well ....... conflict at work is bad...... but conflict at home - with my family - is the worst.  

I don't want to talk about the conflict - the hurtful words - the pain - that happened on Sunday - on Mother's day. I want to talk about yesterday ......... 

I arrived home from work - drained.  And as I got out of my car - there was W walking across the parking lot towards to me.   We settled in in the living room and W wanted to know what the &#&# had happened.  At first I couldn't speak - you see W loves me - he wants to protect me from hurt - from people who hurt me.  But to some degree his protection of me is part of the problem......... not THE problem - but definitely a part of it.  

But finally I started talking - and crying - and talking some more.  I made him promise he wouldn't go after youngest daughter ... I made him promise he would just listen to me.. help ME find my way out of the darkness - and so we talked ........ for over an hour.

And I am here to say - to you - and to W (are you listening W??? ) that W's sitting listening to me talk - sitting there letting me cry it out .... reminding me every so often to breath........ was the BEST thing he could have done - that only HE could have done - to help me crawl out of the black hole of pain.   I wasn't alone with it anymore.  I could share the pain - the hurt - the doubts.......... and once it was over - I felt the release wash over me.  Almost like when W takes me up up and up - to my land of the fairies - the relief was / is beyond words.  


I was able to share with him a worry that has been eating at me ever since we agreed to move to Kingston together........ my fear that my girls wouldn't be welcome at our home.  I begged him to try and find it in his heart to start to heal the rift ........ so that when he leaves me - and moves - I will know in my heart that the girls will be comfortable coming to visit us - coming to see the new home W and I will have created together.. 


Whatever is going on - really going on - with my youngest is her problem to fix.  I know - as I have always known - that whether I am here in town - or living 2 hours away - I will always be there for her.  Hopefully one day - she will realize that too......... 


But for now........ I have W to hold me tight - to help me fight the fears and pain...... W will protect me ......... not from family or others - but from myself !!  From my need to take everything on my shoulders...... to play the blame game - IF I had phoned more - IF I had gone out more - IF - IF - IF ..........

Having someone love you so much they are willing to hold you tight - to fight the demons inside your own head - to comfort and soothe - that's the real definition of protection and love to me.  

Thank you W ............ for loving me enough

Sometimes..........

Sometimes it happens.......


Sometimes the blackness just comes and there is no fighting it 


Sometimes the pain is so severe it feels like your heart has been torn from your body

Sometimes it just feels there is no fixing it.

Sometimes............






But I know - I pray - I hope........


The rainbow will come to end the storm....... 


But nothing will ever be the same again.

Porn

Garden porn that is.......... it's that time of year again ......... 

I told you on Friday that I was gonna pull on my sexy yellow duckies.................

and go work in the gardens this weekend.

Every spring I forget how much work it is to dig the gardens and get them ready ....... how much effort is needed to turn some black dirt into my secret garden........... 

Here is one of the four flower beds... you can see it is half done... 

Here it is all done - ready for the sun and the rain....... and the new sprouts to start sprouting.

Even miss ashes came out and spent the day supervising the work .. and keeping the neighbouring squirrels from visiting............ 

It took all day Saturday to finish the gardens... I am old (cheeky grin) and it seems to take longer every spring........... but it is done and soon (in about 6 weeks) I will be on summer break and sitting outside under my red umbrella - in my secret garden - soaking up the peace and quiet with a good book..............

Sunday Sentiments

 

ok yeah I know - I got sappy......... kitten pictures.... very sappy!!!

BUT it is Mother's Day and I think I am supposed to be sappy on Mother's day (I think)

Don't like it??!!  well suck it up buttercup - it's MY Sunday Sentiments post !!! (cheeky grin)

Finding the positives.

I am guessing that a goodly number of you won't have a point of reference for the above lines.  

BUT you don't really need it.

Like so much that goes into this Journey - those words are for me........ if they catch your eye - attach themselves to your psyche - all the better - but this is really just for me.

This week I have been feeling a wee bit sorry for myself.  For the second weekend in a row I won't be seeing W.  Not seeing W makes me sad.  I think some of it is - the realist in me knows that when he moves away - despite the best laid plans of alternating weekends - there will be more weekends alone than together. 

W has stuff to do at his place - I have "Mother's day" with my children.  Unfortunately the stuff to do at W's doesn't correspond with stuff to do with my children........ and so the weekend is being spent apart.

Yesterday was tough - I couldn't even get into the mind set of "2 days off - to do exactly what I want"  Instead I was doing the "damn another weekend without W - another weekend without spanks - another weekend without snuggles" 

This morning I awoke to sunshine.  (yeah I am blaming the sunshine for my change of heart) And I realized I have gardens that need to be tended to......... flowers that need trimming....... earth that needs turning...patio furniture that needs to be brought up and put into the secret garden.  

HEY !!  how many of you have seen the ad on television - where a garden statue of a bunny says to the woman reading - "He may have his man cave - BUT you have " wonderland?" and the camera spans out and you see her sitting on a wicker love seat with a book - with lanterns hanging from the trees swaying in the breeze - making it look for all the world like "Wonderland"??   When I saw that ad - the first thought that leapt to mind was when W and I move ....... maybe I can have a "wonderland" in the backyard !!

And so today I am going to pull on my grubbies - find the garden shovel - the garden shears- my yellow duckies (boots) and head out into the sunshine and play in the mud. Even miss ashes will get to play outside with me.  

I am going to accentuate the positive of the day - eliminate the negatives - and definitely ignore the inbetweens...................

No More Talking........

For those of you who haven't heard - the college students here have gone on strike.  For 180 days.  Because of proposed tuition hikes that work out to 50 cents a day.

For the last 180 days (day after day after day) they have marched through the streets blocking traffic - causing havoc and from time to time throwing bricks and stones at police .. at windows... police cars .. private cars...

People have been hurt and hospitalized.  People have been arrested.  People have been blocked from entering stores, businesses, and blocked from leaving stores, businesses.

Chaos has ruled.

Yesterday "someone" threw smoke bombs in our metro (subway) system.  Not in one station but in many stations and managed to completely and totally shut down it down.

Yesterday afternoon our "beloved"  (tongue firmly planted in cheek) mayor held a news conference.  He said everyone had to get involved and talk to the students - show them the error of their ways.  That was his solution.  Talk to them. 


I think the time for talking is over.  I think it is time the police move in and clear these kids out - go to school or go to jail. pointe finale.  I believe it is time that the hard working citizens of this province take back the streets.


I think it is past time.

Adults Only please (edited for clarity)

ok this blog has been so vanilla recently I might have to take the "age advisory" off.  

BUT

just in the nick of time - before the vanilla started melting and dripping down the page... I found THIS this morning.........Trust me when I say it is NOT for the faint of heart. It is also NOT something I would recommend.  

BUT hey - if it floats your boat - go for it. 

Though it does leave me wondering what might happen in 5, 10, 15 years from now.  Breast tissue is so damn sensitive - 

oh ......... and you can all thank Kaya for this video...... she likes to make me spew my early morning coffee all over the computer screen. 

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AND W.......... just cause I posted that link does NOT mean - I repeat NOT MEAN - I want to try that ..........k??? 

One

Almost 12 years ago for the first time in my life - I moved out on my own.  Can you imagine that ??? 50 years old and the first time I had ever lived on my own !!!  What an adventure !!

I loved it !  I would expound on the sheer joy of living alone - the ability to do what I wanted when I wanted - to eat when I wanted what I wanted - I had only my mess to straighten up - only my dirt to clean up.  Only I was responsible for everything that went right and also everything that went wrong.  I had only myself to argue with.  I couldn't imagine ever ........ EVER........... going back to sharing my space with anyone.

Until........ 

One got pretty old - and lonely and everyday normal.  I started having yearnings for someone to share my every day life.. the good .. the bad .. and the ugly.  Was I really willing to give up my space - my privacy ??? 

Then last week - when I made my dumpling dinner - arranged so nicely on the plate.. one plate... one dipping bowl.. one set of chopsticks...... And I realized   'one is a pretty lonely number'.

I did such a good job of selling living alone that when we announced (W and I ) that we were starting the plans to sell houses and move .. to another province.. together.. people started questioning me......... Was I sure??!!  Was I ready ???? Had I thought this through????

What could be worse than moving in with the man you love and honour and respect?? What could be worse than living with your best friend??? And as W put it so succinctly - we have both reached a time in our lives (translated - 'we're old now') that even if over time the BDSM fades away - we would live together as friends .. right?  I smiled inside 'cause truthfully folks - I can't imagine ever getting so old that I won't want / need at least a snuggle time with this man of mine!!!  AND I can always put him in a rocking chair with a paddle in his hand ..... set the rocker to rocking and bend over in the path of that paddle (cheeky grin)  I am sure we can and will work something out !!


One was good (for a long time) now two will be even better - for an even longer time !!
  

Small Things

 Some times the small things mean so much......... much more than the big things.


I was missing W badly this weekend.... (between changed plans and a train show - we didn't see each other)


At 7 p.m. Sunday night,  the phone rang.  W was down the street from me and wanted to know if I had had supper (I hadn't) so he picked me up and we went out for a burger.  It was wonderful to have an hour or so talking - catching up - being together.  


Yeah sometimes small things count more than the big ones.

Trials and Tribulations

I don't know too many families who don't have some Norman Rockwell definition of "happy family" as... their goal??... their desire???... their ambition???


I know I for one have always felt a great sadness when - after some family celebration - I am not left with Norman Rockwell type pictures of a happy family reunion.


The truth of the matter is........ Norman Rockwell painted posed fictional families.  Every family has it's problems - it's "characters" - it's trials and tribulations.  


Mine is no different.


No matter how hard I strive to have this "happy well adjusted family" it just ain't happening.......... never has ... and I am slowly coming to the realization that it never will.  (yeah yeah I know I hear you all saying "DUH"... well I have never claimed to be a bright spot)

For the last year or so......... there have been rumblings underneath the pretty happy family veneer that we present to the world.  W won't come to family functions anymore because words were said - hurtful mean spiteful words - and no sincere apology has been forth coming.  I have been trudging along with the plastic phoney smile plastered to my face - working harder than ever to try and create a Norman Rockwell happy family......... but it is all wearing very thin...... very thin indeed.

Now things have been said - straight out - plain as day - to me.  And I am hurt.  I don't think I deserved the criticism .......... I have tried for 30+ years to be a good "mom" .. to do what everyone expected of me - ok ok except maybe divorcing the girls' father.. except maybe trying to be more independent... except maybe trying to find my own life - and living it.  That was wrong - oh I know that now.  (tongue firmly planted in cheek folks) 

But it would seem I have allowed one of my children to get away with murder....... to throw temper tantrums as bad as a 2 year old -  tantrums over  - are you ready for this??  her birthday.  That's right - her birthday. You see she was working on the day - and the weekend after - and so it had to be postponed.  I am a bad mother because I didn't make her feel special on her birthday - I didn't find a way to celebrate her birthday.  (We'll ignore the fact I sent off birthday wishes at 12:01 the morning of her birthday - we'll ignore the fact that her card and gift are sitting here - we'll ignore the fact that her sister and I had arranged a party for this weekend - only to be told she was working) 


Ugh.


So I have been mulling over an email this daughter sent me a week ago - the day before her birthday - filled with anger and hurt and pointing fingers at how hard SHE works to make everyone else's birthday special and NO ONE ever does it for her.  


I sent her an email on Saturday night.  I had waited till I cooled off - it took a week for me to cool down....... cause IF I had sent off an answer to that angry email immediately I would probably be "estranged" from my daughter and her family and my grandkids for the rest of my life. 

If anyone had told me I spoiled my kids I would have denied it vehemently.  I don't believe in spoiling - I didn't EVER spoil my kids.   

BUT I am rethinking that 

Perhaps I did........... and perhaps now I am reaping the rewards for that spoiling.

It makes me very sad. 


I guess I failed in raising independent free spirited women.  I guess - like so many others - I raised (at least one) spoiled "me me me" woman. Maybe it is way past time for me to burn those Norman Rockwell images of a happy family - and replace them with more realistic pictures of "trials and tribulations of family life". I think it is way past time for me to finally cut the umbilical cord and literally and figuratively move on with my life.........