conflicted

See if any of this makes sense to you...

When I was Warren's submissive the one thing that always bothered me the most was when I was under the weather and unable to "do my job". I hated not being able to serve him... not being up for any play .. not being myself. It felt a little bit like I was a failure..

Now we are working our way back together.... and I have found myself from time to time dropping back into sub mode.. calling him "Sir" .. spending some time wondering how I could be true to my masochist side.. and be a submissive to Warren... submissive not slave - I know I can't be a slave.. but surely there must be some sort of compromise .. can't there be???

And then I got sick ......... and Warren has been wonderful making sure I wasn't alone on those trips to the clinic.. and I cried and felt safe having him by my side.. but that old nagging belief that somehow I can't be a good sub if I am sick... and yes I know it all sounds damn stupid and hormonal ... but these are the thoughts that are banging around (loudly) in my head.

There was something comforting yesterday knowing that I could just curl up and be sick all weekend (yeah yeah I am not feeling much better) and not have to talk to anyone.. and can nap when I want to.... but IF I was a good submissive I wouldn't feel that way would I ???

ugh.... I am so conflicted over this.... and yeah right now I admit it .. I feel as though this gall bladder issue is never gonna end... and I am weak and frustrated and not very logical........

Sometimes you just gotta laugh,...

Ok so some days you just gotta laugh - cause the alternative - crying - isn't gonna help.

I have a routine when I get home. I curl up on the sofa pick up my lap top and play some mindless games on the net till I am hungry for dinner,

In the middle of my relaxing game last evening my internet crashed....nothing else .. just the internet signal.

Now I have been having this problem every 2 weeks since April. Every two weeks since April I have called my ISP and given them hell. On Sept 4th they sent me a techie who looked like he knew what he was doing. He changed the phone cables outside the house. I have had perfect internet service ever since.

Well that is .. until last night.

I will spare you the total stupidity of the level one tech.. and the level 2 tech... and the fact they changed the password on my computer and forgot to tell me... I will say that they did send a technician out to the house tonite... (he just left)

Anyway...... I am trying to calm down last night.. telling myself I will watch some mindless television. So I put on some new show and am actually getting into it when POOF the channel disappears.. just .. disappears!! All the other channels were working fine.. including the baseball channel !! .... but not the one I wanted to watch.

I do believe I had steam coming out of my ears.

Anyway.... I kept busy at work today and when I was home I managed to "steal" a rather poor signal from one of my neighbours so I could at least d/l my email. (not nearly as satisfying as playing mindless games but hey you gotta do what you gotta do)

At 6:00 on the dot the tech arrived.. corrected the password error created by the dipsticks last night.. et voila .. my pc is up and running again,.

Of course the initial problem wasn't even looked at.. cause there is no problem ... NOW.

So I am back - up and running... you gotta laugh.. honest you do!! Cause we all know in 2 weeks I am gonna be off line again... and the merry-go-round goes round and round.

Now I am off to play some mindless games........ and chill out.

Cancelled

I had in the works - a BDSM birthday party for myself. Warren and I had found this cute little intimate dungeon that was for rent on weekends. I had invited 18 of our closest most intimate friends to come and help me celebrate. We had even purchased loads and loads of helium filled balloons (well they were to be filled) I had planned the menu - and had some ideas formulating in my head for some fun activities for the evening.

Then I got sick.

This past weekend I kept thinking god only knows how long it will be before I am really UP to partying again.. never mind receiving a really good long spanking (birthday spanks and all that!!)

And so this morning I sent out emails to everyone canceling my birthday party. Honestly it is all I can do to drag myself through my daily routine - never mind think about partying till the wee hours of the morning.

I have mixed emotions about this cancellation - I am sad - very sad - but I am also relieved. I kept saying "I will feel better soon" only I wasn't - feeling better soon. And I have to admit that this might be as good as it gets for a little while. AND "this" just isn't good enough to party.

So now I have cleared my calendar of social events. Freed myself up to come home and lie on the sofa and nap when I am not at work. To feel crappy without having to apologize for it. To just hang on and ride this out to the bitter end.

I am not sure how much I will be writing here in the interim... Life is gonna be rather dull and boring around here........... but when I have inspiration I will come and write......... Otherwise I will curl up on the sofa and nap...... and wait...... for strength and enthusiasm and energy to return.

I'm special !

Yesterday was my birthday celebration - my "cake and coffee" day.

I awoke feeling like something the cat dragged in. It took every ounce of energy I could muster just to shower and do my hair.

Warren came and picked me up at 2:oo ish and we headed over to eldest daughter's house. As I walked through the door I heard youngest daughter calling to "pig pen" to come quick granny was here !!! I was worried about the dog jumping and was surprised no one was rescuing me.

As I walked down the hallway the first thing I honestly noticed were all the helium filled balloons... I LOVE helium filled balloons and don't remember the last time (if at all ) anyone gave me some. Then faces started to swirl into focus. Family from Toronto had driven down.. eldest daughter's inlaws were there, my ex husband, even Darklight was there (representing as he said "the dark side of my life")

As I wandered around the room the whole theme started to sink in....... my girls had really and truly outdone themselves. The theme was oriental. There were chopsticks and oriental food, bamboo trays, oriental napkins and lanterns, even the birthday cake had my geisha tattoo as a decoration - complete with the cherry blossoms I want to add to it.





Then I started to notice the helium filled balloons. Each balloon had a picture of me .. from birth till my last birthday and everything in between. I couldn't stop laughing and crying all mixed up together.

This birthday was all about me... my likes my hobbies my family and my friends. My girls worked so damn hard to make me feel valued and special and loved. The best birthday present - the best present period !!- is being made to feel special and the girls succeeded completely and totally !!

Health care

Ok so I dragged myself off to the hospital yesterday morning to donate blood and other specific bodily fluids.

I kept telling myself to suck it up.. I am just so damn tired and draggy.

So after I had done my donations I stopped and picked up a few groceries and dragged myself home. The sofa looked damn good let me tell you. But before allowing my ass to settle on the sofa I did manage to put the groceries away and throw a load of laundry in. Then I felt I deserved a rest.

Approximately 6 hours after I had left the hospital the clinic called me. They already had the test results back and needed me to come in immediately. I was so scared. I figured I was off to the hospital, surgery, all kinds of monstrous scary things. So I called Warren and he promised he would meet me at the clinic.

When I got there the nurse took my vitals and was going on about how high my white blood cell count was. How they would do the ultra sound in emergency. I was wondering if there was somewhere I could run and hide..... I know that makes no sense....... but it just seemed so fast and out of control.

Then the doctor came in. Quiet older woman who read my file and asked some questions then said "Right - you need your gall bladder out - so I will give you a referral. And the white blood cell count tells me your gall bladder is infected so I will give you some antibiotics and pain killers"

I could have kissed her. She was so calm and reassuring. I explained how the nurse had been talking about emergency .. and she just smiled and said no emergency - antibiotics and bland diet until you can have the gall bladder removed - 2 - 4 months.

OK OK so 2 - 4 months seems like a really long time..... but at least it wasn't some major emergency!!!

One of the things I haven't been doing since the attack on Sunday is eating. Oh I have been having broths and juice but nothing very substantial. Now I have to eat with the meds... so I expect my energy levels will start improving too.

I started all this really because I wanted to praise our health care system. We are so quick to find fault. But 6 hours from tests to results!!?? Pretty impressive if you ask me.

ouch

About 8 years ago I had a gall bladder attack. It is not something one quickly forgets. After all the tests the doctor left it up to me if I had surgery or changed my eating habits. I decided to change my eating habits.

Things have gone swimmingly well for 8 years. And like most people I got lazy. I still stayed away from very spicey foods - but every once in a while I would cheat. I stayed away from fatty foods - but every once in a while I would cheat.

That is what happened this weekend. Friday night I had a spicey fatty hamburger .. on Saturday I had some spaghetti with spicey sauce. On Sunday I thought I was dying. Warren was here and I kicked him out. Hell if I am gonna die I am gonna do it alone.

I slept most of Monday and a good part of Tuesday. By Tuesday night the fever broke. On Wednesday I went back to work.

Wednesday night the pain hit again.

Thursday morning I emailed Warren I was going to the clinic.

I am not sure I can honestly explain how lonely I felt sitting in the clinic by myself. How scary it was.

Then I looked up to see Warren coming through the clinic door. I cried. Suddenly it wasn't so scary anymore. (and yes Lea - from yesterday's comments - Warren is the same "Sir". We are working our way back together)

So the long and the short of it is...... I am off for blood tests today, an ultra sound as soon as they can book it. And the gall bladder is coming out as soon as they get a bed for me.........

OR

I have another major attack with fever. Then - doctor's orders - straight to the hospital for emergency surgery.

LOL day

Well folks it has been a whole year....... can you believe it??!! A whole year has passed since the last LOL day.

I can hear you asking - yes I can !!! - WHAT IS LOL DAY???

It is the day we bloggers celebrate our lurkers. Yes lurkers like YOU !! Today is your day .. LOVE OUR LURKERS DAY

For one whole year almost every day I have 150 visitors .... and at most 6 comments....

That's just wrong!!

So today ....... YOUR day....... I am asking all my favourite lurkers to come out of hiding and post a comment......

Come on celebrate the one day in the year dedicated just to YOU.....



Gotta love our lurkers !

Processing Pain...

Just recently - for some reason - I have been involved in more than one discussion on how "we" process pain. (we being submissives or pain sluts or masochists) And why it is some days it is like heaven on earth and other days it is sheer hell.

The latest discussion was with younger women who are still going through periods and pms.. and it was decided that during those days one is more sensitive than other weeks. (can I say duh!!!)

But that got me thinking to what happens to me.... I don't do pms anymore.. don't have periods anymore.... BUT I most certainly do have times when I don't process the pain well.. and spend my time more or less white knuckling it till it is over.

I found myself almost apologizing on Saturday evening for not being "on top of my game". At the time I really had no idea I was gonna get hit by a 10 ton truck called upset stomach.


I may not have periods or pms anymore.. But I am older now... and truthfully I just get tired more... and my needs and desires are not as strong anymore. It is almost comforting to know that there is a gradual cessation of needs..... weaning almost. Because now when I am in heaven on earth - it is special and I hold it close to my heart and treasure it

That is processing the pain when you don't have periods or pms any more. When you are a dignified "old lady"

Fevered thoughts

Ok so this weekend I over ate .. and over ate spicy foods.... this does not make for a happy stomach. So I am home with a low grade fever and feverish thoughts rolling round and round..




On Saturday night Warren and I went out to a munch and play party. I was asked if I was submissive. I said no.. I was a masochist. I was a little surprised at the reaction around the table. One male slave finally said (as though he really needed to define me) "So you are a masochist bottom" ok.. if that makes you happy I am a masochist bottom.........

He was an uncollared slave... Warren and I drove him to the play party. He carried the toy bags out of the car for Warren and once inside opened up the bags and hung the toys for easy reach. Warren mumbled that he missed having a submissive/slave. That kind of tugged at my heart strings..... and I am not so stupid to think that the day won't come when Warren will go looking for a submissive/slave.

But then yesterday in one of my more cognitive moments I went on line to read my blogs. And swan wrote a blog entry that was right up there with my questioning all this D/s M/s stuff.. she ended her writing with a very sad "I just don't know. I just do not know."

It made me feel sad.. for swan and for Warren. They both believed - really believed... in the M/s D/s dynamic. And now they are trying to re-invent how life will be.

I am at a point that I think there may be a mid way of doing things. Warren and I were discussing it (at least I think we were discussing it yesterday - honestly everything is a little hazy) and Warren pointed out that there are all sorts of folks out there in the big wide world who do it 24/7 ....... and we know some of them in real life.

Why does it work so well for some folks and not so well for others???? I am thinking some of it has to do with the power dynamics... if the submissive stays home and relies on the Master for everything.. that it is a little easier to do the M/s D/s all the time...

For me .. the D/s didn't work (I think) because I went out to work every single day. I have a position of some authority. It got more and more difficult to leave that persona at work ..........

I am wondering if there can be some sort of half way D/s relationship.... I am wondering if there is a way to please everyone. It's called compromise... and I always thought it was a very important part of every relationship........

stay tuned..... who knows I may just come up with something.......... after the fever subsides - or not.. LOL

Plan B step 2

Ok.. step two of Plan B...


This summer a well meaning female friend (around my age) asked me why I didn't colour my hair...... she said the grey/white hair I was sporting made me look old. At the time I wasn't suffering from the angst of turning 60........ but this past month all that angst I have been putting myself through (besides adding more grey/white hairs to my head) made me remember her comment.

So today I went to see my hairdresser. He is a big sweetie.. been doing my hair for many years.... has been through the catastrophy of the last dye job that had my hair breaking off at the roots.... he has been through the chemical treatments that made my hair lifeless and thin ... he has been through the birth of my grandchildren.. the break up of my relationship with Warren .. he is like a good bartender (if the stories are true about bartenders) he listens with a sympathic ear and rarely offers up any advise .. just a gentle squeeze of the shoulder and a sympathetic smile.

So when I told him dye the hair... he was uncharacteristically outspoken about my choice. I actually had to assert myself to get him to even think about getting rid of the old grey/white hair.

I have also avoided cutting my hair for the last 2 months as I was determined to go a little longer.. (not to my ass long.. not even shoulders long ..... but chin long)

We poured through a book of colours and despite the young girls urging me to go purple .. or fire engine red.. he and I selected a colour pretty damn close to the colour I was some 60 years ago.

Then he started to cut........ I did say "layer it" and didn't pay much attention to the cutting he was doing... as I figured he was "layering" it........

Anyway....... the final outcome is....

I love the new colour....

HATE the cut


yes cut!!! He layered it down to nothing for god's sakes!!!! All those long weeks of letting it grow and I am back at square one.......

Oh well one of two ain't bad.. love the colour hate the cut......

(if I pull on it will it grow faster?? )

Plan B

Well THE day is fast approaching....... my BIG day... my dreaded birthday. In approximately 10 days I will be turning 60. It is even hard to write the number never mind think about it !!

BUT STOP!!

That was Plan A. To hide away and let the day pass with out any fan fare and nonsense.



Plan B looks a whole lot different.

I had someone on FetLife say (in reference to finding a rocking chair) "fuck the rocking chair - and with a good dildo that is possible!!" She made me laugh. and from that laugh (believe it or not) came Plan B.

NO I am not going to use a rocking chair and dildo - well maybe not.. it's something to think about.

I AM undergoing some BIG changes.

1) I have a hair dresser's appointment for this Saturday. I have been letting my hair grow (remember the 30th birthday and how I cut it all off.. shrug.. so I am doing the reverse !!) and am going to get it styled............. AND......... coloured. Gonna wash that grey right out of my hair......

2) I have booked a make up make over. I am not sure how true "make over" is.. as I seldom if ever wear make up......... but hey.. I am gonna give it a try.

3) I am in the process of planning a spanking good birthday celebration a week or so after my birthday.

This past weekend Warren and I went to a new dungeon. It is small and intimate - holding about 20 people comfortably. I was very impressed with the layout and the ambiance. So I asked if they ever rented it out to private individuals. They did!! And for an amazingly reasonable price too.

So the invitations have been sent out... and despite my fears that no one would come.. I have already had 9 YES's !!!

I am thinking this new decade I am entering could possibly be the best one yet... I am gonna be saucy and cheeky and full of piss and vinegar.

OH WAIT

I always have been !!!

I guess as much as things seem to change.. they really stay the same.

Empty Nest

For those of you who can't read the writing on the t-shirt ...... it says:

"For over 2 decades my #1 pursuit was raising my children well and now the job is over and here I stand like a high level, high stress, but low paid CEO who's company just got bought out"

For over the last 9 years actually I have been struggling with the empty nest syndrome. Only thing is I never identified my struggle with empty nest.

Almost from the day they were born I raised my girls to be independent, free thinking women, who would one day strike out on their own. It was (no it is still my belief) that the best gift we can give our children is to give them the strength to be independent self sufficient adults.

I know I did my job well.

So why then does my heart ache??

Because I realize there are other people filling the space I once filled in their lives. Both my girls are now married with "mother-in-laws" ......... and I have seen a slow shift in the way things were...... from "mom" to "mother-in-law" and I am here to say it hurts.

Baby daughter's mother-in-law lives with them. She is the babysitter for the children when mom and dad are at work. She is the extra pair of hands when company comes. She is the one who tells me .. ME.. to go and sit down when I visit. She is the one the grandbabies run to when they need something or are hurt. I am the "visiting granny". She is the one to tell the grandbabies to go and hug granny - kiss granny - thank granny. And it hurts deep inside.

Oldest daughter has a mother-in-law that has stepped in and adopted the daughter I guess she always wanted. She has more than taken over my job as mother. (though truth be told - I guess I was never really the "mother" my eldest wanted) She fusses over her like a mother hen...... from a - z and everything in between.

I sat on Saturday and watched with interest the interactions between my eldest and her mother-in-law and honestly I felt redundant. Yes I was the CEO and my company has been bought out. And I have been put out to pasture. And yes it hurts. A LOT.

Perhaps I was not as good a mother as I once thought. Perhaps I strove too hard and long to create independent women. And maybe I have worked so hard making them independent that I have kept my needs and desires to myself - for fear of not having independent self sufficient daughters - with an independent self sufficient mom.

Perhaps it is all my fault.

I do know that there is very little I can do about has happened. I do know that my daughters will always be MY daughters in my heart, and that I will love them with all my being.

But sometimes empty nest sucks ........ big time.

Vanity versus Frailty

When I was in high school I was introduced to Shakespeare - Hamlet came first. And I was totally and completely in love with the play. That love drove me to read more and more of Shakespeare. I didn't love all his plays - certainly wasn't fussy on his comedies - but the dramas caught me in the first lines spoken and held me till the last dying lines on the last page.

So I guess it isn't all that surprising that from time to time quotes from one of his plays will skitter across my consciousness. So it was this week. I kept hearing the line "vanity - thy name is woman" ............. EXCEPT.... that is not from Shakespeare.. well not really. It has been bastardized over the years. The actual line was "frailty thy name is woman" and it comes from Hamlet.

It has made me think......... could frailty and vanity be two sides of the same coin??
Could it be that vanity comes first........ and then the frailty (of standards or beliefs) follows??

I remember when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She pleaded with the doctor not to remove her breast. Vanity ...... she openly admitted it.. she could not - under any circumstances - picture her life without her breast.

I didn't understand it....... it was only a part of her body.... a part that was going to slowly kill her. She certainly didn't "need" it any longer - not really. Vanity was preventing her from ok'ing the removal of said body part. I kept thinking 'if it was me I would say take the damn thing'.

A few years ago I was faced with uterine cancer. The first words out of my mouth were "take it" ...... No vanity .. no frailty.. take the damn thing that was making me sick. They didn't and life has gone on.

Today I realize the difference is obvious. The breasts are part of how a woman looks, the uterus is part of how the woman functions. One visible - one not at all. It made sense to me .......... finally. (and yes I know .. the uterus can be tied into how a woman sees herself - but not in my case)

And now I am wondering ....... as I look in the mirror ........ if vanity is not my name too. I never ever thought I was vain. EVER. I accepted who I was....... how I looked... and damn everyone else. Which is probably the major part of my problem. I don't much care what other people think about how I look. So when friends and acquaintances lecture me that I don't look my age.......... even when my doctor tells me I have beautiful skin - with no sun damage (which apparently is rare) I don't care.

Vanity is MY name.
And I freely admit it.

Plan B

to be studied and expounded on............

stay tuned.

Alice through the Looking Glass

I am going to start this entry with a disclaimer. These are my opinions and may not be the opinion of most others.


Now having said that....

I was just going over the "events" listed for this weekend here in the Great White North (well my corner of it) ...

At a local BDSM club - this weekend's activities involve the art of sensual massage. The requirements - bring your own mattress. (and massage oils) but MATTRESS?? are they going to spread their mattresses between the spanking benches, crosses, and suspension frames???? What is going on???

A few weeks ago we had a full fetish weekend.... I get fetish - I don't have one - but I get it. It used to mean (at least to me ) that you dressed up in black leather or latex and went out to a club and beat your sweetie.

Now it appears (from the photos I have seen of the event ) that it is an early hallowe'en party.

There were vampires galore..........



There were goths at every turn..........



There wasn't one (that I could see) leather clad BDSM player in the lot.


I truly miss the strength of a leather clad dominant, or the beauty of a leather clad submissive kneeling at her master's feet. I am tired of beauty pageants. I want to see play ... edge play.. flogging......... want to hear the crack of a whip (yeah yeah even though I don't much like the crack - I bloody well miss it!!) I want to see sweaty dominants and red stripped asses. Forget perfect makeup and perfect costumes. I want some reality... (or what passes for reality for me)

Someone mentioned the other day that the new group of BDSMers are "MacDonalds BDSMers" - they want everything fast - and disposable - and without a whole lot of substance. They buy their toys at sex shops ......... have no patience or appreciation for quality work.

Society is becoming a "throw away" society. Grow tired of something - throw it away and start over. More's the pity.

I feel so much like Alice through the Looking Glass - everything is blurred and fuzzy and doesn't make much sense any more.

Memories

Remember my visit to the Heron Clan this summer??

Remember Raheretic gave me a gift of a knife (the one pictured above)???

Well I brought the knife with me on Saturday evening when Warren and I went to the play party. Up to this point it had never been used on me. It worried me a little bit..... It is heavy... very heavy... I think all on it's own it could pierce my body. Honest true I do !! Hold the tip against skin and just let the weight of it press down ....... and BINGO !! pierced.

Well at least that's how my imagination worked.

It was the first thing Warren pulled out of the toy bag on Saturday. I discovered three things about that knife........... it doesn't pierce automatically - but it is heavy and it damn well hurts !!! and is SCARY... I mean it.. it is scary !!! Warren also discovered that my nipples fit through one of the holes very nicely... and all I could think as he was fitting said nipple through the hole - 'just don't let the hole be sharp' - cause it was a tight fit!!

Secondly I discovered - much to my surprise - that that knife packs quite a wallop. Warren turned it on the side and swatted my ass with it. I honestly thought he had grabbed another toy out of the bag. The wallop from the knife bounced me forward and upward. OUCH.. it really did pack quite a thud !!!

Thirdly I discovered it doesn't take any effort at all to make pretty patterns on my body. No going over and over the skin to create patterns, one pass of the blade and the skin separates quite nicely - leaving welts - and every so often a single drop of blood.

AND the patterns last..... it is Tuesday today and I still have faint welts over my back, ass and breasts.

The knife scene on Saturday was intense - at least for me. It is a knife that demands respect.. demands attention... demands concentration.

Here are some of the patterns ............

doesn't my ass look a little bit like it has a spider web carved into it??

I do love knife play - yessirree bob I like knife play !! The edgier the better !! I am wondering if I am heading towards scarification....saw one nice bit of work on Saturday and haven't been able to get the image out of my mind since.........

new beginnings?

Over the last month or so Warren and I have been working on mending fences and becoming friends. We have had coffee dates, and dinner dates, and talking and talking - probably more than we talked in the last 3 years I was collared to him. We even struck up a deal to play together if/when we were at the same events.

I know some of you who read here.. who followed the nasty emotional break up... are probably sitting there staring at your computers wondering "WTF". I appreciate everyone's support during that trying time... and I understand that to those of you looking in.... it seemed I made the right choice. But in the final analysis Warren and I are really the only ones who know what is best for "us".

I have also come to learn over these months.. that even the most inspiring couples.. most inspiring dominants.. most inspiring submissives have bad days.. bad weeks. bad months - and make bad decisions. No one is safe on that pedestal.

I don't think I will ever go back to being a submissive by definition.. with rules and protocols. Never mind those things - I don't think I will ever be able to go back to being subservient to any one ever again.

This weekend I went to Warren's on Saturday ... we went to an event together.. and I spent the night at his house. (god I feel like a teenager who is admitting she had sex for the first time - for god's sakes !!!) We had a wonderful time. And I had a sort of epiphany. We could do BDSM for a few hours and then be boyfriend/girlfriend the rest of the time. No one standing over another.. but both of us standing side by side.. discussing what to do.. how to do it.. when to do it.. and it felt so damn good.

I have no idea - truthfully - if Warren feels as good about this weekend as I do.. all I do know is that it felt right for me. All of it.... every single solitary minute of it.

And that is where things stand right now....... a possible new beginning.

mixed feelings

I know I have written about my upcoming birthday....... and I read the comments.. and yes I know the alternative to having a birthday is not what I want.. and yes I know age is only a number.. and yes I know all the platitudes one offers up at birthday time..........and I know I should just "suck it up buttercup"

BUT


I am very conflicted about this birthday. (oh yeah and before I go any further - my birthday is not till the end of October). Baby daughter called and she suggested "coffee and cake" in the afternoon...... on the Saturday .. cause she has to go to work on the Monday........ and all I could think was "cake and coffee"???
Why is it no one can see past the "tough old bird" act?? Why is it my kids.. MY KIDS.. don't even want to celebrate a big milestone in my life???

It got to the point yesterday that I was even thinking I should throw my own party.... cause ya know what.. as much as I HATE the fact I am gonna be 60 and feel old in comparison to everyone around me... It is still MY birthday.. my celebration.. and damn it.. I want to be spoiled and celebrated and valued.

BUT it kinda defeats the purpose if I plan my own celebration doesn't it??? And besides ... biggest fear.. what if I plan a celebration and no one comes. who wants to find that out??? on their birthday??!!

So maybe I will give myself an extra special birthday present.. something just for me.... die my hair red or blonde or pink...... buy a red hat and actually wear it!! Maybe I will actually join the Society of Red hats and be proud of it!! Maybe I will just be another "Aunt Olive". (and that's not such a bad thing)

And one more thing I will do...... I will blow raspberries at all the 40 somethings that say I am OLD.... cause I know ........one day they too will be turning 60 ........ and pay back is a bitch.

Another moment in time.

As of noon yesterday - I had faxed my numbers to the government. Closing the book with a resounding "bang" on the September deadlines. Done done and done !!! And as it happens every year, I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.. .DONE !!

Except for one small snag (I have been informed that the measures I took to ensure I have a full staff will probably be overturned) ...... everything was looking pretty damn rosy when I left school yesterday afternoon. I even had rock music on in the car, and I was "bopping" my way home in the pouring - monsoon-like rains.

When I arrived home there was a police car with flashing lights blocking my entrance to the driveway. I thought 'silly damn fool - traffic stop in my driveway??!! WTF??" I sat for a couple of minutes on the street with my flashers going showing I wanted to drive in. I was ignored.

Finally I squeezed my car into a parking spot - half in half out of a no parking zone - and got out of my car. There was a nice cup of steaming hot coffee in my future - just at the end of this driveway... and no one was gonna stop me getting to it.

I climbed out of my car, juggling my book bag, my purse, my car keys, and the umbrella. Under my bright yellow sunflower umbrella I made my way past the police cruiser that blocked the entrance to the driveway. That was when I noticed a second (unmarked) car off to the side. There was a man standing behind a young female. She was looking over her shoulder..... and I realized that the "man" was a policeman and he was handcuffing her hands behind her back.

I think I was a little bit in awe of the scene in front of me, and I wasn't really paying attention to anything else going on around me, as I stepped forward - a woman on a mission - and nearly collided with another policeman holding a gun. Then the whole scene unfolded in front of me... There was yet another unmarked car parked right behind a green car, there was a young man being frisked over the trunk of that green car by a policeman in uniform (this time) and the cop holding the gun was 'covering' the two of them. And here I was the dipstick teacher walking boldly right into the middle of the whole thing !!!

All 3 men turned to look at me. Can you picture this??? Here was a police operation underway, and here I was ... this silly old lady with a huge book bag, purse, keys still jangling in her hand, and a bright yellow sunflower umbrella picking her way past them all. The scene was frozen in time for a brief second.

Finally the cop holding the gun motioned for me to get out of the way, which I did in record speed.

Once I got past the scene - I stood in the pouring rain with some neighbours standing a safe distance down the driveway - watching the TV like police operation take place in front of my eyes.

After a short time - not so short when one is standing in torrential rains getting soaked despite the bright yellow sunflower umbrella - some big wig showed up and the cars were moved to the side. I went back out onto the street and retrieved my lil car and eased it past the commotion and safely into my parking spot. Scooted inside and had my steaming cup of coffee.

Which is when the foolishness of what I had just done finally sank in. Who in god's name walks into the very middle of a police operation - where there are guns drawn??? Who?? ME.

Yup another moment in time... only this one wasn't a sexy daydream.