Travel log

Ok folks.. for the next lil while I am gonna bore you all with pics from my trip to The Heron Clan - yeah yeah I know .... you all HATE vacation pics... too bad..... I am dealing with yet another AFOG ...... and travel photos seems a good way to fill the space without sounding like some nut case!!

(Oh for those of you who don't know what AFOG is .......it stands for " Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth")

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Before I arrived in Heron Land....... they had sent me an itinerary of things planned but not set in stone. One of the possible activities was a trip to Jungle Jim's. Personally I thought it sounded like an amusement park........ and wondered what they had in mind for me - the one who HATES amusement parks.

Well dear T is the shopper in the family - and she was saddled with the "visitor" on the Jungle Jim trip......... Jungle Jim's is a grocery store....... but a grocery store like none I have ever seen before...

Come walk with me through this adventure in grocery shopping........

This is what greeted me when we pulled into the parking lot...... a grocery store you say????!!!

Soup Aisle

Veggies - if memory serves me right.

Fresh Fish aisle

Just more "scenery" for one's shopping pleasure.



Hot sauce aisle

Oriental food stuffs


obviously cereal aisle


Mexican foods



British foods

Indian foods

Natural Honeys


Everything you could want for your pet and then some!!

All I kept thinking was "thank god I don't a) have a Jungle Jim's close to me and b) thank god I don't have room to bring back food !!!"

Walls

I learned a long long time ago that there are bad 'things' out there in the real world that hurt........ that tear you up inside ... and don't even look back in regret once the deed is done.

Walls don't go up over night. At least mine haven't. Mine have gone up slowly over 50 years. Yup 50 !! It is really hard to learn to trust people.. to rely on people when your very first cry for help goes unheard. shrug.. as a friend of mine says "it is what it is" ........

But it would seem .. that those walls that I have built up are the very things that are stunting my growth.........maybe even hurting me more than they are keeping me safe.

In some of my conversations with the Heron Clan when I was visiting.. topics were touched on.. discussed... that brought up old hurts........ old fears.. old disappointments. And yeah they brought tears (which for those of you who don't know me well - I HATE crying!!! god I HATE crying) but I did realize the world didn't come to an end... the old pain didn't rear up and consume me. It just was... an old pain.

I have come to realize that I have hurt relationships and people with my desire to protect myself. And for that I am deeply sorry. But I am not a finished piece of work... more like a work in progress.

And I have no intentions of stopping that work. Quite the contrary. I want to work harder on perfecting my trust skills, on perfecting my sharing.. on perfecting taking care of me in a more open and adult manner.

Wish me luck.

on the road again

All day yesterday I had the song "I'm comin' home Cindy Cindy I'm coming home" going round and round in my head......... Because yes indeed - after 10 wonderful days in The Heron Clan land it is time for me to come home.

So when you read this - god willing and the creak don't rise - I will be on my plane winging my way back to the Great White North!!

Life lessons?

Every day here in Heron Clan Land I start my day outside on the patio with my cup of coffee and my first cigarette of the day. The patio faces a pond.. a man made pond which seems to be common here in Cincinnati - man made ponds that is.. not my drinking coffee and smoking (cheeky grin). It is a quiet time, a peaceful time. The various animals have yet to make their appearance.

When I first arrived here 8 days ago - swan introduced to me the ducks that live in the pond. Mama ducks and their ducklings. It is always entertaining to watch baby ducklings marching or swimming frantically behind Mama duck. But there was one bunch of ducklings that swan pointed out to me that were orphaned. No one knows what happened to Mama.. but it is obvious they are all alone in the world.

At first I felt sorry for these lost and lonely lil ducklings.

But I have been watching them for 8 days now.. studying them. They are managing just fine in this cruel cruel world that robbed them of a Mama and a role model. None of the other duck families seem to pay any attention to these orphans. Yet they manage just fine. I have watched them over these last days develop into quite a "clan" themselves. They have - by election - or deduction - or just plain drawing straws - selected a leader. Not much life experience but this one lead duck is doing a pretty damn good job of marshalling the troops and keeping everyone on task, moving together in duck formation all the while keeping an eye out for everyone's safety.

The only strange thing.,.,. is these ducks seem to have no natural fear of humans. They come marching up onto the patio in the mornings - I like to think they have come to wish me a "good day". They have even allowed me to grab my camera, move a little bit closer and snap some shots. The lead duck keeps a wary eye on me.. and has some duck rule about how close I am allowed to come before clacking his bill together - making a weird tapping on wood type of sound - and the clan swing 'round and move off.

I am not entirely sure what life lesson to take from these orphaned lil ducklings.. maybe none is necessary. But it has added an interesting twist to my morning coffee.. and for some strange reason has brought a calmness, a quietness, a peace to my soul.

The changling

I have been with the Heron Clan for 7 full days now. I came for a holiday and I am going to leave a 'changling" .

This time away has been hard ........... not because I am home sick.. or don't like being with the Heron Clan - nope not at all. But more because this time with them has opened my eyes... made me really evaluate my life and how I have been living it for all these years!!

When I first started reading the Heron Clan - I couldn't get my mind around 'poly' anything.. couldn't figure out how it could work.. assumed (yes makes an ass out of you and me - but in this case mostly me) it would never ever be something I could live.

But I have seen it in action - this poly family - and I have a deep appreciation for how smoothly it works... how everyone feels included and appreciated and loved and cared for - even this outside Canadian who just sorta parachuted into their lives.

The other night Raheretic and swan were talking to me.. about life in general and my life more specifically. I found it very difficult to discuss - as I do with anything that requires me to open up ........... I honestly don't remember everything we discussed .. I do remember them suggesting I read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. They had the book.. and I started reading.........

The book may be what they consider a so/so handbook on poly relationships... for me it was a book on living one's life honestly and openly. It is a book that is teaching me how to deal with emotions - all of them - and how to broaden my horizons.

I have always been quite happy being a bit of a loner.. having one or two friends.. but nothing to strenous or time consuming. Just folks out there that I could socialize with when I felt the need to socialize.

I most definitely am not a social butterfly!!

But I have been slogging my way through The Ethical Slut - and feeling scared and challenged ... this book may be a poly handbook for some.. for me it is challenging me to change the basic tenents my life has been built on.

From the simplest of actions - making more friends - to dealing with the scary emotions that seem to plague my life and be the reason it is so much easier for me to be a "loner".

It is teaching me how much fun life could be if only I could let down my walls...

the other night I read something that rocked me.. a light bulb moment that will probably make you all go DUH !! (I was gonna quote it .. but for the life of me I can't find it now... so you will all have to make do with a paraphasing ) It said something to the effect that 'when you are feeling most vulnerable - that that is the time to share those feelings... because in sharing feelings of vulnerability is the time the bond deepens and friendship grows.'

I am still reading.. still learning.. still feeling mighty scared and yeah vulnerable... but it is time for change.. it is time for me to break out of the cocoon that has kept me wrapped up tightly .. feeling safe... while all the world around me has gone marching by..............

AFOG

"another fucking opportunity for growth"

In praise of older women

I came to "Heron clan land" with a bit of an ulterior motive. I really truly needed to step out of my world - walk away for a little bit - get a different perspective and then go back.

But it would seem ever since I got here I have been stuck on one aspect of life/living.. stuck as in cement and cannot see my way around it.. over it,... or through it.

I am old.

I have lost that "come hither" teasing flirting part of me ........... where did it go?? cause I know it is gone. At least on the outside.

Inside I still feel very sensuous and sexy and yeah horny too!! But it doesn't translate to the me that the world sees. When did that happen?? How did it happen???

Last night I had 2 glasses of wine.. the music was playing and I was laughing and moving to the music and Raheretic made some comment about how I should have wine every evening.. how relaxed I looked how much younger I looked. It was meant as a compliment I know that !! But when did I need a glass of wine to look relaxed and young??? WHEN THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN???

In my head I am still a 30 something... with all the drives and needs of a 30 something... in the mirror there is a woman looking back at me that I don't recognise.. When did she appear??? Can I make her go away?? I don't much like her.. this woman I have turned into..........

A few weeks back Sir F was having a discussion with me about males.. and how it is really easy to have a one night stand - a no strings attached sexual encounter. And all I could think was "yup easy for you - young and perky and fresh and daring" but definitely not easy (maybe not even possible) for me - this older woman.

And so I am left wondering ......... am I destined to grow even older with my cats.. and my masochism.. and be labelled that crazy old masochist????

Is it too late to become the poster girl for "In praise of older women"???

The Gift

No matter how hot the air .. no matter how hot the skin is.. the steel of the blade is always cool for a moment or two against naked skin,

It is easy to sense when the play has gone from the heat of leather or wood to the cool cutting tease of the blade.


My heart beats a rapid tattoo against my chest as the blade travels along my skin .. leaving in it's wake rising welts in it's wake. Always the chance that the skin might open like a ripe tomatoe.. always the chance of a nick...


The adrenlin rushes through the veins.. pounding in the head.. pulse beats.. eyes close....


My mind's eye watches the blade travel - down my back .. over my ass.... down ..between my legs teasing... breathe catching in my throat... feeling the tightening deep inside..


This is my sensual play - always the threat?? promise?? of more..


And like with all play it ends way too soon... leaving me wanting more - the bane of my existence - the wanting more ............ push me further, higher, harder.

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I have never had my own knife.


Before this......

Raheretic has gifted me with this beautiful knife. A heavy knife with more edges and points than I have ever seen before.... and it makes such lovely patterns on my arms... (I couldn't resist trying it last night !!)

It is mine forever - a souvenir/reminder of these dear friends I call the Heron Clan

What is it???

So here I am with the Heron clan.......... and am relaxed and happy and feeling as though they are family !!! Ok ok I have only been here 24 hours and they may grow tired of the "bossy bottom" before the 10 days is up....

I thought for fun I would play a little guessing game with you ... see the picture below.. what is it??? I love this coffee table in swan's living room.. nice and big and sturdy - hell you can even sit on it.

Imagine my surprise when they opened it up to reveal a flogging frame !!

Damn I want one !!!!!

En Vacance

By the time you all read this I will be winging my way southward to the Heron Clan.

I'll be gone for 2 weeks.

While I am gone everyone play nice.......

I'll see you all on the flip side........

The Beast

Sometimes the need inside is huge.

Sometimes the need is a hungry beast....... a demanding beast.

Sometimes it claws at my innards - tearing them to shreds.

Sometimes it wraps its claws around my throat and I cannot breath.

Sometimes it grasps my heart and squeezes it - till it feels as though it will burst.

And when it is done ravaging my body - it leaves me weak and helpless and afraid... curled into a little tight ball ..... crying.


Sometimes I wish I could kill the beast inside.

family

Family is a fundamental word. A word we all recognise and understand - in one form or another. Some of us came from happy "Norman Rockwell" type families, some of us came from less than picture perfect families. But we all came from family.

Some feel that family is best framed hanging on a wall... some feel that the very best family is the family you choose. I am lucky. I have my biological family that is less than picture perfect - but pretty damn close.... and now I have a leather family....... a family of choice.

Confession here..... I didn't understand how poly families could work - I couldn't get past the feeling that there would be some form of jealousy rearing it's ugly head from time to time. I never thought I could live in a poly family. But now I realize I am in a leather family - and it makes sense to me. AND yes I know there are major differences between the two...... but there are similarities too.. if only in my head.

I think full credit has to be given to the 2 Sirs for making sure that each of us feels valued, needed and special. For making sure we all are encouraged to do what we do best.......that we all have our special place in the family. *I* am the social secretary - keeping a calendar of upcoming events - times - and making sure the family knows when/where these events are happening. Restrik is our french liaison. Do NOT laugh. Here in Montreal it can really help to have someone who is fluent in patois french .. and is known in the french community!! Many a night at play parties he is called in to translate.

And we all protect each other - fiercely... like a family should (in my humble opinion) And it doesn't matter if one is bottom or top......... we defend/protect/support each other.

We laugh and we share and we compromise and we work it out. We communicate (ok ok I am working on the communication thing) but I know that there are family members standing just a little bit behind me pushing me forward - and there are other members just in front - offering out a hand to pull me forward.. all of them supporting me while I move forward.

That is what family is. Support. Love. Caring.

I don't much care if this information is in a profile on some obscure web site. For all of us... this information is in our hearts... where it matters most!

Whys??

In less than 3 days I will be winging my way southward to visit with the Heron Clan. This trip has been in the planning since March !! I am excited and overwhelmed (a bit) and feeling as though I am doing a very grownup thing. Stupid I know.. grown up .......... sheeesh !! by this point in my life you'd think I would be used to traveling and visiting and being on my own.

I have a serious case of separation anxiety - separation from my family (youngest daughter just told me today she is going for some pretty serious tests and that is pretty worrisome for this mom) separation from my cats (yeah yeah I know - they probably won't even notice I am gone........ probably gonna miss the 2 Sirs more than me ........ but still .. ) separation from my lil safe haven I call home - separation from my Sirs and friends........ AND yet I am going to "friends" into their open arms....... they promised !!

And I know - being a teacher and all - just cut the strings and go ....... everything will be fine........ everyone will survive !!

And while I am in this soul baring - soul searching - WTF is wrong with me - mode..... I have to ask - again - for the millionth time!! why I let people get under my skin and irritate me?? WHY must I be like a dog with a bone and not let it go?? WHY must I always try and correct misconceptions?? And while I am on this why tangent....... why the hell are some people such chicken shits and come to me with questions instead of going to the people that really have the answers?? HUH?? why??

Sir F is always telling me......... put it out there - into the universe and wait for it.. cause ya know the universe is gonna hear you...........

So I am putting it all out there........ all my whys........ and hopefully the answers will find their way to me...........

Cause right now........... all I have is whys??

Challenge = growth

Challenge = growth shouldn't be too surprising to anyone. If one is challenged and one tackles the challenge......even if they don't succeed the first time - or the second - or the third - they still grow....... because they are learning.

I have no problem with that concept. In fact I am always teaching my kids that at school. Face the challenge head on.. and you will be a better person for it.. you will grow and become stronger.

My two Sirs are always saying they only take on strong submissives. And they encourage them to continue to grow even stronger. Over the last 4 1/2 months I have had more than one person - Dom or sub - it doesn't seem to matter - challenge me to think in new ways...... to question the befores........ learn from them and grow.

No problem ...... right??

Yeah I thought so too.

But I have a huge challenge I have never been able to .. overcome .. for lack of a better word. I have great trouble talking about my feelings.... about stuff that scares me.. about stuff I would like....... oh that isn't to say I can't talk.. hells bells I can talk up a storm.. usually about mundane everyday stuff that doesn't touch me deep inside. I touched on it in yesterday's blog - about my fear of topping from the bottom............... or in my case .. asking for something I really want.

BUT I have always been able to write (duh !! yeah I know .. those of you with gobs of patience have waded through the multitude of words I have written here) ....
This week I sent both Sirs an email. I talked about my feelings ....... scary stuff for me ......... and I told them what I was hoping I could look forward to this weekend.

After the email was sent - I gave myself a pat on the back and a gold star... and then I proceeded to hold my breath....... hoping it was ok.. hoping I hadn't done something wrong........ hoping... well being me just hoping.

Yesterday Sir F and I spent the better part of the day together.... and the topic of the email came up. I was feeling quite proud of myself for putting the words/feelings down and sending them off to them. However - she was not as impressed. (insert BIG sigh here)

She pointed out that writing was in a way the easy way out. I needed to take it one step further.. I needed to actually sit down with them and open my mouth and let the words flow out. They needed to see my body reactions.. they needed to hear the emotion behind the words.. I needed to grow.

And I understand why. I need to change past behaviours. I need to know that no bolt of lightening is gonna come out of the sky and strike me dead for voicing my emotions/needs/wants.

And I think - though I could be very wrong - that I need to give the ones I am sharing with - the right to reach out and hold me when it gets really tough. Writing from a safe distance - still keeps those damn old walls I love so much firmly around me.

This is my challenge.........to break down those walls.......... learn I can talk about emotions and needs and wants .. and that I will grow from the challenge .. not die from it.

Openings

During a recent blog hopping expedition - you know what I mean - you hit a link that leads to another link that leads to............ and suddenly you are finding stuff on the net that you have never seen/read before. Well I found this blog and I almost didn't read it.. but something in that day's entry caught my eye and went on reading... she was talking about "topping from the bottom" that HUGE sin of sins in the lifestyle.

I don't know why - but this bit hit home......... light bulb moment.
By voicing my desires and verbalizing my submission to him, I am allowing Daddy to penetrate ever deeper into my psyche in order to further dominate me and push my limits.

Now you see - as much as everything seems rather rosy around here..... on the Adventurous Journey - there have been little speed bumps. In some ways I have been in "tough old bird" mode...... gotta protect myself at all costs. And in lots of other ways I have been mixed up and confused .. and trying to clarify my thinking and the way I process things.

The rule with the Sirs is........ whatever goes into the toy bag is what I want used on me. It doesn't mean it WILL be used - but ... it's got my stamp of approval. So I figured that was it... no need for me to say anything else....

But there were things/situations that I wanted to talk about... I wanted more or less (more more than less) But I wasn't communicating those desires.. so .. come on... how were they supposed to know??!!

Interesting enough - they don't see my asking for something as topping from the bottom......... nope... they see it as my opening doors for them to step through - IF they so decide. They don't cluck and hiss and act all superior if I do ask for something.. I personally think it takes a load off their shoulders.. I am allowing them to get closer to me.. to know me better... to peak behind those massive great walls I built up around myself back in March.

Stranger even for me.. was the realization that those walls were slowly opening to them.. and I didn't see it happening.. but I was letting them in..... letting them get closer to me.. trusting them more and more.......

Like a flower slowly opening to the warmth of the morning sun.... our relationship together is opening ......... what great adventures lie ahead as I learn to be more open and verbal - and leave my fears behind??

TA DA !!!

nice bit of leg dontcha think??

stencil on

work in progress

just finished

close up view

Ok ok yes it was gonna go on my shoulder.. but between here and Sir F's I changed my mind and went for the ankle. Wanna know how twisted I am? I actually verified it would hurt more on the ankle than on the back of my shoulder... LOL

AND even more twisted - I complained it didn't take long enough!!! So the tattoo artist offered up a suggestion - I might like adding some cherry blossoms ... next time!!

Wanna know the best bit??? The tattoo artist was looking at my pics on FetLife - don't even ask why or how that happened. He saw my tack bra - asked if I was into needles.. to which of course I answered YES.. He asked me if I would allow him to do a piercing corset down my back !!!! (temporary) and photograph it ..... the two Sirs have said they will organize something while I am away !!!!!!

What an adventure this is turning out to be !!!

Breaking News

Today is tattoo day.........

Stay Tuned..............

Film at 11:00


(or when I get back to my computer)

Intensity

This may become "mission impossible" but I want to try and describe the intense fragments of play that happen on occasion during a play time with the two Sirs.

I am not talking about the strike of a paddle, or a sting of the whip... but more the intense rattle your soul feelings that happen in a flash of an eye and are gone - never to be recaptured in the exact same way again..........

* opening my eyes and seeing Sir F holding my trembling arms tightly and hearing her whispered murmurs

* feeling the hard almost brutal thrust of a hand against my hot ass - massaging a stinging burning ache

* my head moving forward seeking solace and finding it against Sir F's breasts - inhaling her scent deeply

* feeling Sir M's body slam down across my back pinning me to the equipment - almost knocking the breath out of my body

* the hard thrust of a leg between my legs pushing harder upward pinning me to his leg....... feeling the cool of the leather against my hot burning skin

* the huge silver handle of his flogger thrust roughly and firmly between my legs the large nob banging against my clit jewelry - slowing the tremors yet causing my heart to leap out of my chest

* The knife tracing patterns only he can see down my body...... but most especially over my breasts......... and days later running my fingers over the raised welts - eyes closed - remembering

* opening my eyes and staring deep into his eyes - feeling my soul opening to his gaze - no walls to stop him.. letting him see deep into my soul - feeling my knees go weak from that look........ wanting it to stop and wanting it to go on forever.

Intense moments............ more precious than any bruises or welts left as souvenirs.

Questions

Does the pain play replace a desire for sex, do you dislike sex or just some of the variations? I've never been able to figure it out.

That was a comment left from my last blog entry.

I am constantly being asked questions about my being a masochist - how I process pain.. always questions and I find it difficult to find the right words to explain to folks ......

On a BDSM website.. someone asked these questions..........

'What does pain do for you? Is the pain itself an actual sexual button? Do you have an orgasm from the infliction of the pain?
Or do you find it to be a release of a different kind? Does it become a type of stress relief? Something that centers you? A challenge?
OR, is it a combination of several things?'

This was my answer

I have to say it is a combination of all of the above.

When I am sitting (as I am now) waiting for the clock to tick off the hours till I am played with - my mind tends to focus on the pain and the craving my body has for it.

When I am over some piece of equipment at a play party then my body responds - at the beginning - to the pain with foot stamping mind numbing curses - and then I feel the endorphins or the adrenline - I don't know what nor do I care - and then I become one with the pain.. and it is like a delicate ballet - a dance between my body and the floggers or whips or paddles and my Sir is leading and it is beautiful,

and my Sirs know how to lead the dance .. how to coax more and more from my body.. I feel the tightening in my lower belly.. and I ask for more and more.. harder and faster.. and the orgasms rip through my body.. lifting me up literally and figuratively - on tippy toes I feel the waves wash over my body and as the last shudder leaves me weak .. I go back down and offer my body up for more pain.... delicious delightful pain.

And when it is over .. I am deep inside myself .. focused and centered and fulfilled.

Now to clear up the bit about sexual drive outside of pain..... YES I crave "normal" sexual relations.......... I do not have sexual relations right now because my Sirs are married - to each other - and do not have sex with their submissives.

Is it hard not to have sexual relations - hell yes !!!

Do I dislike sex - hell NO !!!

If I could find .. what I am calling....... a "full service Dom" I would gladly enter into all the aspects of life.. satisfying all my cravings.. pain... sex.. companioship..

There are days I feel lonely ... and as though something vital is missing from my life.. I am working on that... maybe I will never find what I am looking for.. maybe I will find something else.. a compromise.. I honestly don't know. Life is fun.. but it isn't perfect.

Subtle energies

There are a whole mess of subtle energies that can affect a play session........ even one you have been waiting for........anticipating...... jonesing for.

I had been looking forward to yesterday - we were going down to the gay village to wander around and see the exhibits (they had art exhibits going on in the village) grab a bite to eat and then head off to a play party/birthday party at a local club.

In case you don't live in the area........ it has been hot and HUMID for the last week - unbearably so. Yesterday wasn't much better - but the predicated thunder storms had hit - and we had had torrential rain for most of the day. All I could think of was "I am gonna look like a drowned rat by the time we get to the party"
(I took an umbrella - and between that and the gods smiling on us and the rain turning to showers by evening - the drowned rat look was not my fet wear for the evening)

I tend to classify clubs in my head....... my classification system - only mine !! and probably won't make a whole lot of sense to anyone else.

Last night's club is my "more formal" club. I always feel - a bit - like I have wandered into a library when I am there. There is no loud music - the lights are dimmed - candles burn - there is quiet conversation.

Last night - almost as soon as we arrived - I felt the ambiance had changed - drastically. To start off - it was unbearably hot. Turns out their AC kept blowing the circuit breakers. Within less than an hour of our being there, it was crowded and noisy and HOT! People started drinking - a wee bit too much for my liking.

We went upstairs to play - and because of the heat - Sir M closed the door on the room we were in - to make the most of the AC that was limping along. Within less than an hour of play - my ass popped. (well that is the way it was described to me) two small holes opened up and started bleeding. (what in god's name is THAT about !! it hasn't happened to me before - well at least not in the first session!!) Sir M went in search of paper towels to stem the flow of blood and stumbled across someone giving someone else a blow job. (can I say ewwwwww)

Downstairs again...... the party had taken on the air of a frat house drunk. (ok ok I am probably being a bit judgmental here especially since I rarely drink - and NEVER drink when I am playing) Mid way through the evening I had some drunken woman trip over me and nearly land up in my lap - big laughs all round - except from me.

I went into another room where I hoped to find some air movement and perhaps a little quieter crowd ..... to see a Dom lifting his kilt in front of the AC unit and airing out his .......ummmmmmmm... wiggly jiggly bits. I scurried back to Sir M.

He took me upstairs for a second play session (and to help me escape from the subtle energies that were playing havoc with my mood) ......... And it was fun - just what I needed. Sir M managed to chase all the weird vibes out of my head with a swing of the flogger........the thud of the paddle...... and the cut of the knife. Oh yeah......... and a band-aide on my ass to stop the stupid hole from bleeding.

Tonite there is another play party - at a club I class as the "party club" loud music - louder people........ and usually loads of fun !!

Subtle energies surround us......... and sometimes invade our space and our minds. But it would seem I have a magician for a Sir - who can make 99% of the bad subtle energies disappear.
YAY !

Foreplay - redefined?

Have ya given much thought recently to "foreplay"???

I went to the dictionary to find the definition of foreplay - hell I am old - I forget things, things change, I wanted to see if foreplay still meant "foreplay" from days gone by.

The definition I found said:
"foreplay [ˈfɔːˌpleɪ]

n

mutual sexual stimulation preceding sexual intercourse"

which was a HUGE relief - things haven't changed that much !!! Well the definition is still the same.

BUT what is mutual sexual stimulation??? ok I didn't even bother to look that one up......... cause we all know what is sexual stimulation for one person doesn't necessarily mean it is sexual stimulation for another.

BUT we all know what feels good to us.......... and hey that's all that really counts.

Ok - so what got me going on this topic ??? Swan from the Heron Clan wrote an interesting piece on foreplay (not entirely sure that is what she expected me to take from that entry - but it is what it is!!)

I was remembering what foreplay used to be - way back in the day of sex in the back seat of the boyfriend's car. I liked it a whole LOT !! foreplay that is. I wasn't all that interested in the sex part....... but the foreplay ........... hell yes !!

All that touching and stroking and feeling and sweating and moaning ........ the building of anticipation........... (fanning myself) ok ok you get the idea.

Then marriage came and there was barely time for sex never mind foreplay. It had gotten to the point I had almost forgotten what foreplay was. I called it "the mating dance" .......... and I so preferred the mating dance to the culmination......... (ok ok so the guys I was with were probably doing something wrong!! BUT I did prefer the foreplay to the final act)

Where was I ?? oh yeah - thinking about swan's post. She was talking about how spankings are her foreplay. I found myself sitting here at my desk, nodding and smiling and remembering what spankings/floggings/whippings (oh my!!) do to my body. How my body comes alive .. is electrified ... and every touch ..... every sting.. every bit of pain keeps me teetering just on the edge of earthquake proportion orgasms.

And with the right rhythm - the right amount of pain applied in just the right way.. this lil ole masochist can have one of those earthquake orgasms .........

Doesn't happen like that for everyone...... hell it probably doesn't happen to too many - no need for penetration... just the right amount of pain.. yummmmmmm yes sir .. that's my kind of foreplay. Like my opening picture says... "you sure got strange ideas about foreplay Becky Sue"!!!

Life update......

Back in March I said I would keep this blog going and be perfectly frank and honest about the "process". (going from being collared to uncollared) Ok so this is the 4 month report.

As most of you who read my scribbles regularly know... I am doing ok.. (alright - better than ok!!)

I have managed to redefine myself - sort of - kind of....... from the polite words "pain slut" to the in your face definition "masochist".

I have found not one - but two - amazing Sirs who are Sadists to play with me every single solitary weekend !!! for hours !!! bless my cute lil ass !!

Something I haven't talked about is a kind of a side effect to this uncollaring new life journey. I have lost weight. I am one of these people who can NOT eat when they are upset / stressed / unhappy...... So obviously in the first month I lost a fair amount of weight. Then of course I caught the "I wanna die virus" in the second month that kept the weight loss program going.......... and now..... well now I have plateaued ........ things have slowed down....... but I have been told by very reliable sources that my ass now has definition and my midriff is smaller. I know my feet are smaller cause I had to buy new shoes.. and my breasts are smaller cause I had to buy new bras. Not a bad side effect right??!!

On the negative side...... I have lonely times. Times I long to have someone to snuggle with ........ oh hell.... snuggle is such a polite word. I miss being "fucked". (ok - it's out there ) Most of the time my numerous toys fill the need...... but there are days when I just wish there was someone else in the bed with me. Thankfully those days are few and far between........ and don't last long. And no one died from not being "fucked" right??

So the long and short of it is....... the pluses far out weigh the negatives....... This is still an Adventurous Journey and I am having the time of my life !!

Thinking.......

It's one of those days........ where I have a multitude of random thoughts floating around in my addled brain........ bits and pieces.......... this and that............

I have been wondering (just recently) about boundaries and personal space...... (a place I seem to find myself more often than not). A few years ago .. ok ok more than a few... W was playing with me at a public venue where the dungeon was in the basement. It tended to be isolated and not many folks ventured down to play. He had me up on a cross going at my ass with some toy or other... I had my eyes closed enjoying the sensations ........ when I felt like someone was watching me.. Know that feeling??? I opened my eyes to see this guy leaning against the wall right beside me watching .... and........ jerking off. Talk about a quick drop back to reality. I remember feeling like I had been someone's personal porn flick........ and ewwwwwwwww I wanted a shower NOW !!

A couple of weeks ago we were all out at a local club and Sir F was playing in a hallway with restrik (her male sub). Now the hallway was narrow and it was a bit awkward for folks to squeeze by - but most of them quietly said "excuse me" and Sir F adjusted her position to allow them room to walk by. There was a male sub watching the impromptu scene taking place. This didn't bother either Sir F or restrik as we are all accustomed to people watching our play ........... and hell if you play publicly you sorta expect it.

But what one doesn't expect is what happened next. This male sub went to move past Sir F and in doing so ..took the time to press his hard cock into her back! And as often happens to any of us when this sort of indignity happens.... she was shocked and speechless at his actions.

After the fact everyone had an opinion on what should/could/would happen next time.

But I have been thinking how different the reaction is when a male presses his hard cock into a woman...... versus when a woman presses her body - breasts or whatever - into a male. I am wondering why males don't speak up as loudly as women at the indignity of it ??? Is it because they enjoy it?? I find that a bit hard to believe........ honestly there must be some men that find that rude and socially unacceptable. Or is it because a hard cock is far more an indication of the sexual arousal than a pair of hard nipples pressed into a back??

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And I have been thinking about how people complain there is no one to play with ........ but I watch them...... and if they come out to a club they circle like vultures barely making polite conversation with anyone. How can you expect anyone to even know you WANT to play if you don't make some sort of 'human' contact with them??? And that observation doesn't just apply to submissives.. I have seen a number of Dominants trolling around play spaces like hungry wolves trying to cut submissives out of the herd.. corner them ... it makes my skin crawl honestly !! Why not try using some of those social skills your teachers tried so hard to teach you........ conversation works really well as an ice breaker.

And while I am on the subject of wants and needs and inappropriate ways of fulfilling them........ What about all the 'newbies' who go on and on ad nauseum about how they need a mentor........ how they want to learn...... yet when they are offered various methods of learning - from an actual breathing mentor - to articles to read and research on the net they lose interest?? Are people growing so lazy these days they want everyone else to do their work / learning for them???



I love the energy that comes from playing publicly. The exhibitionist in me loves the reactions of people who watch the Sirs play with me. I love (yeah I honestly do!!) the chance to mingle and chat with folks and exchange ideas ...........

But some days I do think about the behaviors of some folk.

Poll

Ok.. I need help. Really I do !!

I have decided I am going to get my 3rd tattoo.

I have a celtic butterfly on my right breast. I have the BDSM symbol on my left thigh....

And now I want another one ......... I am thinking I will put it on my back - high up near the right shoulder - or maybe the left shoulder???

I originally said I wanted a fairy - seeing as they have so much meaning in my life.

But then so does everything oriental.

Can you see the quandary I am in??

Oh yeah and I don't want it big. I am more a discrete tattoo type. I don't want it advertising on my body. I want it big enough to draw your attention but not so big it is screaming at you..........

Ok - so here's where you all come in..........

I love this picture........... but if I shrink it down to about 3 inches - it will lose the detail no??? And I am wondering how it will look on white skin... and when I say "white" I mean WHITE..... (there won't be any black background)




and this one



I am thinking it is just toooooo colourful - and worry it would lose some of the depth and interest if the colour is removed and it is done in black and white and shades of grey........

Ok.. so then while I was hunting down faeries to tattoo on my body... my mind was whirling around and suddenly I am asking myself - "why faeries??" why not something oriental - as I have always loved oriental - even more than faeries...

So I came up with these..............



This one carries on with the butterfly theme.......... BUT I hate the colours!! and wonder if it wouldn't be difficult to change the colours - god !! I couldn't change the colours / shouldn't change the colours I am colour blind for god's sakes !!!

Then in total frustration I thought I will just have the symbol for submissive (which is - if I am correct - really woman) tattooed to my ankle.

And that idea is really winning my vote - cause it is the simple way out.......

And then I found this geisha...... and thought I could have it tattooed to my right or left shoulder with the symbol for submissive under it and just off center of it.......



Ok.. come on folks.. tell me what you think.. which one.. HELP..
I have nearly 150 visitors a day....... surely a good portion of you "visitors" will have some opinion............help me out here ........... PLEASE!!!

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editorial note: there appears to be something wrong with the comments... they aren't showing up in the comment box.. but never fear - they are showing up in my email.... so I am getting everyone's thoughts and votes on the tattoo issue!!

Words

Words........ we use them to try and express our deepest thoughts, emotions, wants and needs.

Sometimes we are good at using them correctly - to be understood and heard. Sometimes we are not so good ...... and the words fail us and we are misunderstood and listened to but not heard.

Some people use curt words - short and to the point. Others use thousands of words .. words upon words...... words spilling out and over flowing and filling up time and space. Neither one necessarily is any better understood.

Despite dictionaries and all ways and means of understanding words... we each have our own definition of what a word means. And we each hear parts of the words - not all the words, not all the meaning.

In face to face conversations we use other prompts as well as the words - we use body language and eye contact...... and even distractions around us to try and interpret the words we are hearing.

The written word is possibly the most difficult to understand - as there are no emotions that come through - it is impossible to see the frown, the lifted eyebrow, the tear in the corner of the eye, the cheeky grin, the smirk.

And then there are the words behind the spoken words. The mixed messages we send out. I can remember my mother - when I was all of 4 years old - dressing me in a little white dress - with white socks and white sandals - brushing my hair and putting a red ribbon in it.... and telling me to go out and play and have fun - but don't get dirty! Yeah mixed messages !! The words behind the words.

I write words........ reams of words ....... nearly every day. I write them because they ramble around in my head and get louder and louder. Some days they are quiet - and I don't write...... but most of the time they are loud and annoying ........ and so I write them....... mostly here....... and a lot of the time I am surprised by the comments I get.. I wonder what language I had posted in....... because obviously I hadn't been understood...

There are good words and bad words......... and by bad words I am not referring to the four letter variety...... hell FUCK is only a word......... SHIT is only a word - get over yourselves... bad words are words that cut straight through to the heart - they wound and they scar. Wounds heal - scars do not. A wise man once told me the wounds would heal - but the scars would remain forever. And if I poked the scars they would always hurt...... always........ but just a little bit. I shouldn't be afraid of the hurt from the scars because it was a way of learning.....of remembering.. of growing and moving forward.

For me positive words are like little gifts - especially when they come unsolicited ... "I am proud of you" being an excellent example. "Proud" is a powerful word.... it makes your heart beat faster, it makes you try harder, it makes YOU proud.

"Sorry" is a sad word - most of the time I do not accept "sorry" ...... it is an easy word to say - and one that is bandied about way too much. "sorry" is a word that should come with major attitude changes....... "sorry" should be a verb that means I am going to change.. I am never going to do that again. Most of the time it is not a verb.

Have you ever noticed how often people use words to fill the silence. Why does silence worry so many people?? Silence can be a good thing. It can be a comfortable time of coming together and being content with whom you are and content with the people you are with.

Most of the time I have noticed in a large group of people I am more quiet than talkative. I like to listen. Listening to other people teaches me so much more about them than when they try to tell me who they are.

The words from a song "Words and words are all I have to steal your heart away" keep running through my head. Words do steal, and blind, and hurt. But they can also support and heal and strengthen. Words are powerful things, and we should use them carefully.

Electrified

I have been trying to figure out for the last couple of hours what is going on with me today... I couldn't figure it out..

Then I realized that I am jonesing... I am jumpy and anxious and electrified.

I wonder why some weeks I don't notice the jonesing and other weeks it haunts my waking and my sleeping.

Only a few more hours......................

House of cards

The other day I read a blog entitled Risk written by CarrieAnn - it touched something deep inside of me...made me nod and say "yes" .... and I decided then I should do my own version on the theme.

That being decided it usually is just a short hop skip and a jump to a blog entry. It appears this is not nearly as easy.

I know that my thoughts/views can (and probably will) upset a whole mess of folks out there who firmly and honestly believe in TPE and D/s and all the rest of it. Remember I too once believed... I too once tooted the horn and rang the bells of a total 24/7 D/s TPE whatever the hell you want to call it - relationship. I loudly and firmly announced that "we did not play at this thing called BDSM".

And then one day - I didn't.

And that had to be confusing to a whole lot of people. Hell it was confusing to me.

I have been analyzing what happened - really happened - from my perspective (cause ya know that is the only perspective that I have) since I read CarrieAnn's piece.

The one phrase that kept popping up in my head was a quote from Lord Action circe 1880's "Power corrupts - absolute power corrupts absolutely".

It is never easy for the Dominant to have absolute power over another human being. The weight of that responsibility can be daunting. Beat me hurt me guide me love me care for me .. keep all those plates spinning in the air and don't let one fall. 24 hours a day. every day. 365 days a year.

When I open myself up to the total vulnerability of turning over...... the wrong kind of hurt can slowly but surely shut me down. Make me pull into myself...... make me doubt myself - make me doubt my dominant.. make me doubt the world.

And it doesn't have to be just one hurt....... as CarrieAnn put it so well ...... it isn't the one hurt.. or the hundred and one hurt.. maybe even not the thousand and one hurt... but it is an accumulation of hurts finally being the one puff of air that knocks the delicate house of cards down. And all that was left was two people blinking at the scattered cards lying helter skelter and wondering what the hell happened.

I think that is perhaps why now.......for me......life is very different. I am so not ready to go back there.....not yet. Feed my masochism yes..... ask for more than that... ask me to lay my vulnerabilities out there at your feet.. ask me to trust you... ask me to close my eyes and believe ..... and I will disappear in a puff of smoke. I am not ready for the "more" ...... not yet... and maybe not ever.