I learned a long long time ago that there are bad 'things' out there in the real world that hurt........ that tear you up inside ... and don't even look back in regret once the deed is done.
Walls don't go up over night. At least mine haven't. Mine have gone up slowly over 50 years. Yup 50 !! It is really hard to learn to trust people.. to rely on people when your very first cry for help goes unheard. shrug.. as a friend of mine says "it is what it is" ........
But it would seem .. that those walls that I have built up are the very things that are stunting my growth.........maybe even hurting me more than they are keeping me safe.
In some of my conversations with the Heron Clan when I was visiting.. topics were touched on.. discussed... that brought up old hurts........ old fears.. old disappointments. And yeah they brought tears (which for those of you who don't know me well - I HATE crying!!! god I HATE crying) but I did realize the world didn't come to an end... the old pain didn't rear up and consume me. It just was... an old pain.
I have come to realize that I have hurt relationships and people with my desire to protect myself. And for that I am deeply sorry. But I am not a finished piece of work... more like a work in progress.
And I have no intentions of stopping that work. Quite the contrary. I want to work harder on perfecting my trust skills, on perfecting my sharing.. on perfecting taking care of me in a more open and adult manner.
Wish me luck.
Luck. Always. But also -- joy and contentment and adventure and the finding of what completes and fulfills you. Maybe those things come wrapped up in "luck."
ReplyDeletehugs, swan
Glad you had such a nice visit...
ReplyDeleteDon't know if this wiil help any, but just in case: I, too, have walls built in childhood to keep me safe. I've lived with them a long time, and have modified them to be a very practical, and useful tool. There are like swiss cheese now, and cover my soft spots where needed, from people who would hurt me, but let those who care for me in. I think that's a good thing. Don't beat yourself up for it; it's a survival skill. Just fine tune a bit.
Good Luck! I know you can do this..like Impish i also have walls..and have just recently decided to try and least crack them a little..abby
ReplyDeleteI learn so much from reading your journey...I share many traits with you when it comes to your writing of wall you have up to protect yourself. Thanks for sharing- there is always a lesson for me. :)
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